Topic: Faith's Progress 2.0

[JudiBlueEyes]

accepting what others say about/to me?  I tend to look to see what they are being snide about, looking for the contemptuous laughter behind the smile even when I know that it is not there.

Who really cares about what others think?  The only one thats important is you.

I like those pants too. 

[Faith]

Who really cares about what others think?

I do, when it is someone I care about of course I want reciprocation. do we always get it, no. However that wasn't the basis and meaning behind my comment. I'll expound below.

The only one that's important is you.

no, I disagree. when one thinks only of themselves they will ever be alone. There is always a give and take. True, you cannot be there for others if you are not there for yourself yet it (whatever IT is) cannot be all about you.

I like those pants too. 

thanks, one of my favorite pair with a couple others similar. What can I say, I am a product of my childhood. Thankfully, as others have told me .. I have the right legs to get away with wearing them as well.


Now, as to my meaning. My comment was all about me and my perceptions, not what others think feel or otherwise react.  Let's see if I can word this correctly .. I meant that no matter whether it is someone I care for or cares for me or even never met before, my first reaction is to look for the guile behind the praise. I look first for the ridicule rather than take it at face value as it was likely intended. That is one me and my insecurities, not on the other person.

did I clarify that? I could drink more coffee and try again. One of the reasons I slowed down and stopped posting was trying, and failing most times, to put my thoughts and feelings into words that actually convey my intent.

[RandyL]

Your clarification was spot on, Faith. I understand, and empathize.

For myself, I'm bold in the sense of willingly putting myself out there. Yet at the same time I worry about what others think and have a hard time meeting their gaze. Starting a conversation is nearly always difficult. I zoom by somebody on a walk, nod and say Hello; and then after I'm past I berate myself for not slowing down and saying more, perhaps commenting favorably on their coat or dog. I usually miss these opportunities for social interaction due to my own insecurities.

Hugs, Randy

[SoCal_Holly]

Hi Faith!

I think you look great and are terrific just the way you are !

The holiday season and winter can be a downer. Sometimes, I have a hard time too articulating my exact feelings too. Keep posting, the self introspection (is this a word, lol) is great therapy. Just know you have a lot of supporters here.

Glad you are doing well health wise.

Hope this note makes you smile!

Stay strong!

Hugs,

Holly

[davina61]

As someone that finds it hard to write (and speel) to put down what I want to say or mean I know what your saying. You know I think your daft beating your self up over (not warranted as far as I can see) your perception of yourself . Wish I could send you a Christmas gift of some of my "don't give a * what any one thinks" attitude . Wishing you a good Christmas and New Year . Love and BIG HUGS xxxx
BTW only used spell checker 6 times for this!!!

[Rachel]

Hi Faith,

 Kate Bornstean's has a book called, "My Gender Workbook" and she has a newer version on line called, "New My Gender Workbook".

When we transition we go from what people thought was a Male to Female. We further go from Female to Transgender Female in others eyes. How people see us changes. How they react to us change. How we are treated and socially treated changes.

Woman have it more difficult then Men. Trans woman have it more difficult than cis woman. It is the whole social order that changes. When we adapt to the new normal and compensate then we find our place again in the hierarchy. It is a different place than we once had. We are treated differently than before.

Woman are treated differently in health care, jobs, social situations and everything you experience.

I am glad you are having better control of the HRT and the kidneys are peachy.

Rachel

[Faith]

Unfortunately my perception of others "opinion" is biased by my own thoughts about myself and not in any way reflective of their intent - well intended or otherwise.

I'd @ mention each person but that feature never works for me.

I have trouble during any holiday, it seems like the more enjoyment of a particular day is supposed to be the worse that I feel. Then I get depressed about being down and depressed .. it's a vicious self-fulfilling circle and one that is very difficult to break. To top it off, my wife is very sensitively empathic so my mood infects hers even from a distance. If I am in a bad mood and she is in a good mood her mood will shift negative as soon as she's in my general vicinity regardless of whether she sees me or knows my mood. It's happened many times, too many for coincidence.  We are too closely linked I think. We tend to think the same thoughts and make comments just before the other does. We tend to start singing the same songs. then there's the answering of questions that we didn't have a chance to ask out loud.  It's scary sometimes.

I do put myself out there. I am full time, wear what I like, I just wish I didn't cringe on the inside once I get to where people actually see me. I do avoid public social occasions for fear that someone I know from my past life will see me. COVID is a blessing for me in that regard, also a curse since I cannot force myself to go out and overcome *sigh*

I don't know that I have a more difficult time at work due to my coming out or due to managerial changes and other staff changes. The new personalities around my work environment are not conducive to a comfortable work environment even aside from my changes. I worked there for 9 years, transitioned on the job, still there @11 years .. so far.

Today, I feel so down and muddle-headed. It's a good thing that Lori works today so that she can avoid me. She was home for lunch, I think she was relieved when break was over and had to go back (works close enough to come home for lunch). I did apologize for being so moody and affecting her, I doubt that helped at all.

anyways (yep, there's that word again) I don't really have much to say beyond feeling like worthless <poo>. I would like to make note that while I did not run a speel chck or auot-keerect, I do look for the red underline and fixit as I go. it helps alot. 

[Rachel]

At one time I had very bad depression. I had to go on medication for it. My boss was making threats about my job, divorce, ex and daughter were very hostile. I was really bad at clothing choices and makeup. Add in I was heavy and tall.

Things changed. The root of my depression was all the huge change and swamped coping mechanisms. I went to a bunch of groups and post here. I am up front and honest to others now ( I know i may be too honest). It took years but I learned clothing choices, makeup and am comfortable in my skin. 

It takes time. It is huge change and it is normal to be overwhelmed. Remember you are like everyone else and are allowed to have off thoughts and days. Most of all, if it were a friend that was in transition wouldn't you cut them a lot of slack? Then why not cut yourself the same slack.

I hope you have a nice holiday,
Rachel

[Pammie]

Unfortunately my perception of others "opinion" is biased by my own thoughts about myself and not in any way reflective of their intent - well intended or otherwise.

I'd @ mention each person but that feature never works for me.

I have trouble during any holiday, it seems like the more enjoyment of a particular day is supposed to be the worse that I feel. Then I get depressed about being down and depressed .. it's a vicious self-fulfilling circle and one that is very difficult to break. To top it off, my wife is very sensitively empathic so my mood infects hers even from a distance. If I am in a bad mood and she is in a good mood her mood will shift negative as soon as she's in my general vicinity regardless of whether she sees me or knows my mood. It's happened many times, too many for coincidence.  We are too closely linked I think. We tend to think the same thoughts and make comments just before the other does. We tend to start singing the same songs. then there's the answering of questions that we didn't have a chance to ask out loud.  It's scary sometimes.

I do put myself out there. I am full time, wear what I like, I just wish I didn't cringe on the inside once I get to where people actually see me. I do avoid public social occasions for fear that someone I know from my past life will see me. COVID is a blessing for me in that regard, also a curse since I cannot force myself to go out and overcome *sigh*

I don't know that I have a more difficult time at work due to my coming out or due to managerial changes and other staff changes. The new personalities around my work environment are not conducive to a comfortable work environment even aside from my changes. I worked there for 9 years, transitioned on the job, still there @11 years .. so far.

Today, I feel so down and muddle-headed. It's a good thing that Lori works today so that she can avoid me. She was home for lunch, I think she was relieved when break was over and had to go back (works close enough to come home for lunch). I did apologize for being so moody and affecting her, I doubt that helped at all.

anyways (yep, there's that word again) I don't really have much to say beyond feeling like worthless <poo&gt. I would like to make note that while I did not run a speel chck or auot-keerect, I do look for the red underline and fixit as I go. it helps alot. 

It sounds like you have lots of positives in your life. Maybe you could go down the old fashioned route of listing them to help you focus on the good stuff?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Faith]

Depression. the intensity of my depression was severe for over 6 months which, I've found, was mostly due to my ~3000 E level.  Now that I'm getting back into normal ranges the intensity has eased off. Not gone though It would have been nice to have it magically take my depression away, that's too much to hope for. At least I've dropped all of the anti-D pills that my primary was throwing at me. Now I'm back to my 'normal' depression. I have a good handle on the why and wherefores of that. I don't feel like getting into the litany my why's, suffice to say they fit in with many different trans people here and elsewhere, a mix from everyone. The high points are "Lack of intimacy" and dysphoria (self and externally triggered).

Intimacy, yeah .. my wife loves me, there is no doubt there. Intimacy was fading for both of us prior to my coming out (prior even than me being aware of myself). It seemed a natural fade and one we both welcomed leading us into our golden years happily side by side. Now though my needs have shifted. The cravings for intimacy are high. I'm not talking about sex. While I would enjoy a good session, that's not where I am coming from. Heck, a sensual session of hugs and kisses and old-school necking would suffice. Not to be though, she has no interest in me or anyone else for that matter. Is asexual the right word? Even strong emotional attachment does nothing to pique her interest. Even if it did, I'd be out of luck .. she's not into women and I am too much a woman for her, though she did try early on.

.. enough of that ..

The rest, well, you list dysphoric points and I have it to one degree or another.

I guess loneliness is the biggest thing that gets to me.

got to run

[RandyL]

Faith it is interesting to me, to read of your loneliness and unfulfilled desire for intimacy, despite remaining with your wife. I'm also sorry for what you are going through.

In my case, my wife decided we needed to split, for what sounds like pretty much the same reasons. She is not attracted to women, and if I was going that direction she did not want to be with me.

It's unfortunate either way, but interesting that the net result can be similar -- increasing loneliness and loss of intimacy. It helps me to shift my perspective -- for my relationship, preserving it at all costs despite the lack of attraction by her may not have been a good solution anyway.

Hugs, Randy

[Faith]

At times I think that a split would be easier, yet I know it wouldn't be - at least, not for me. Splitting up would bring all kinds of additional issues of it's own. Sure, it'd make it easier to look elsewhere yet where would I look. Split up we'd still be in the same house (albeit as friends), I'd still have the same responsibilities, I'd still be stuck under social restrictions for who knows how much longer. I never was much for 'going out' - no party time for me, not that I'd have any extra money to do so in any case. And who would want a halfway something or other that is me? If they see me as a woman then it's "Oh, by the way, I have extra bits"; If they see a man (feminine, it's true) then "Oh, by the way, it doesn't work".  Too feminine for some, too masculine for others.  It's all moot in any case, I know I'm not going anywhere.  Hope for improvement is dead. This is how I am for however much time I have left be it 1 year or 20 or more. I need to accept that this is my life and it won't get any better. A lifetime of loneliness and depression.

Where's the dark clouds? There should be dark clouds outside, not sunshine.

[Faith]

Had another impromptu chat with the misses. Another bout of 'give me time' from her. It really seems to be boiling down to throwing away 37 years of knowing each other as him/her while I learn who I am as she also learns who I am and how to relate to me. The past 3 years have certainly been rough. She is trying to reconcile all she knew of me before with all that I am now and, trust me, there are significant differences (not physical).

I don't doubt her sincerity of wanting to rebuild I just fear that she's convinced herself of something that isn't there (for her).  Kind of like being in love with the idea of being in love rather than actually in love .. ya know? sure, you can say that love transcends and I would agree yet there are things that cannot be overcome for some people through no fault of their own and that will affect the depth of love.

Whatever the case, I know what I feel and I am willing to keep working at it .. though painful and agonizing. Loneliness is the worst.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Faith it is hard for some as you have seen.  We went through a rough patch but have hung in there for 45 years (50 of knowing each other).  I miss snuggling but we hug and kiss.  I guess this is what "golden" years is all about regardless of gender situations.  Keep working at it.   

[Faith]

Every day the same struggles, only different. I do know that I don't want to be alone

[Faith]

here I am again, I don't know why. I guess because I can type in private yet still have someone see it .. well, one or 2 anyways. Kind of like writing a diary in the hope that someone finds it and reads it.

Today my brain is yelling at me .. type, say something, share, except I have no words to share. Is this a byproduct of loneliness? The need to share yet not knowing what or even with whom?

I feel off so I contacted PP to ask for new bloodwork to check my levels. Their answer? We need a session to ask questions to find out what you're feeling before requesting a blood test. Say What? I could go get one on my own just to check levels, it costs more is all. It seems more like that they want the appointment fee to pad their coffers.  They don't have to review the results, I am the one that wants to see them. I really dislike Drs where they call for an office visit (even telehealth) before doing any simple thing. Like my Blood pressure meds. I'll bet when it's time to renew he will want to see me again even though my BP is consistent through all my previous 10 monthly visits. That's just an example, I'm weaning myself off the BP meds. My dose is so low that they don't even prescribe it at that level - next step is stopping.  Exercise (walking) works better for me and better for me overall.

two panic (or anxiety, I get them mixed up) attacks this week. hugging myself, rocking in place, trying not to cry. I can't watch my favorite shows or movies as a distraction, some I lost interest in after HRT (must be the T loss) others simply show too much love and intimacy and I get triggered .. more crying *sigh*

maybe it's time to drop HRT and get my T up .. at least on T I didn't care. ... NO .. I am not contemplating that, not really, it's just something that runs though my head as a way to stop caring. But then, I'd had the other changes that would recur and I don't think I'd survive that.

triggers, everywhere triggers. Can't stop them, can't avoid them, they are expected an a total surprise at the same time. More changes needed to ease them, can't get anything done. No money. Any money goes into house and home where it's needed. Can't spend it on me and then have no home to relax in. except I can't relax. I am tense all the time. My teeth and jaw muscles hurt from clenching and grinding. Happens when I sleep as well.  I'd drink to relax but I can't handle that either, makes my head hurt.

right here .. right here insert here a bunch of 4 letter words, many repeated, that the forum won't let you type. I really really want to type them. Primordial Scream .. yes, that could do it .. not here at work though, probably get fired.

I have no idea what all I just typed, I am not going to proof read it. I let my fingers rattle the keys on their own.

[AllieSF]

Faith,

Typing is a way of talking with your fingers and is always good therapy.  We are here for you.  Reach out to any of us personally and we will try to listen and be there for you.  You are not alone here.  We are a big mixed up family that has a lot of love and caring to share.  Your mind took you to the right place to vent.  We love you.

Allie

[davina61]

Vent away dear, you know what happens to a pressure vessel when the relief valve sticks. Looks like you need to find something to blow of steam on safely . Hugs dear ,look after you and yours XXX

[JudiBlueEyes]

Speaking with and to others here, even if just online is good therapy.  It's helped me in the past.  In the midst of the virus lockdowns its more important than ever to be in touch with those who care about us.  I will offer one PSA for not drinking as it costs money you might better apply elsewhere and as you note it doesn't help.  I don't have a solution but I am here to listen.

Judi

[Faith]

No, I am not much of a drinker. I drink maybe 1 mixed drink every 3-4 months. Partier and imbiber I am not

thanks all for the feedback. I am a strange one. I post or talk to get things out, get myself heard, yet when someone responds or perhaps tries to dig a little deeper to help out, I close up. Too many years of hiding even from myself I guess. If no one reaches out or responds I withdraw more and hide away.

what a mess

I keep looking for validation of self and even knowing that I won't find it anywhere except within, I still keep looking elsewhere for it.

did I say I was a mess? Oh, yup, there it is just one line up.

now, on top of everything else, my wife went back to work. 5 days a week I am completely alone at home all evening. This is not a good thing. Too much time in my own head. No one should be in there, especially me.

I need therapy. they are all shut down, no in-person. I don't respond to voice only or tele-meetings, I need one-on-one. Maybe I can talk someone into it if I bag my whole head.

I've reached out to some online friends, one reply then nothing. Either they are worse off than I am or they don't really want to relate with me. Let me count how many people, outside of immediate family, who relate to me .. hmmmm ... none.  I have no one that I can get together with even with proper distance and PPE.

<poo> I am so lonely. I just want to curl up and let the world go away.