Author Topic: Can't stop crying today...  (Read 721 times)

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Offline Gabriel_C

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Can't stop crying today...
« on: May 06, 2019, 10:04:08 am »
Today is one of those days... I just want to grab a knife and cut this hanging junk on my chest...

Why did I have to take a shower today...? <darn> dysphoria hit me like never before. I hate this body...

Today is just too much. Couldn't keep the tears away and now they won't stop.

I don't have the courage to end my life... but I wish for my own death every second...

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2019, 11:25:02 am »
Big hug! I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Some days it's hard to see the light.
Please stick with us.   :)

Hugs, Devlyn
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Offline Bea1968

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2019, 10:45:07 pm »
You are not alone.   I am sorry it’s hitting you hard today. Patience is something hard to master and anyone bhete who knows me, patience isn’t one of my strengths.  I try hard but the changed come do slow.  Slow because my body betrays me, because doctors and insurance suck and because I never seem to have enough cash to get that next treatment.  Hang in there. 

Best regards

Bea

Offline Listlesswanderer

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2019, 05:35:11 am »
Today is one of those days... I just want to grab a knife and cut this hanging junk on my chest...

Why did I have to take a shower today...? <not allowed> dysphoria hit me like never before. I hate this body...

Today is just too much. Couldn't keep the tears away and now they won't stop.

I don't have the courage to end my life... but I wish for my own death every second...

You have strength, the strength to carry on. I understand your pain in having feelings that just won't stop even though they seem to be destroying you--to live is to cope, and I am hopeful that you will experience solace soon to the point of not suffering such strong dysphoria. You are who you want to be, even if things may not seem perfect right now, your destiny is yours and we have to win the battle in our minds to get where we need to be. Much love and understanding your way, you will be ok, I am rooting for you--we all are!
Life moves fast? I remember when I couldn't wait for the day at school to end, and now I count in years for my life to change.

Time is all we own, and it is preciously wasting.

--Josephine

If only I had someone to hold my hand...

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2019, 06:23:49 am »
Gabriel_C, and Listlessswanderer, many of us here have been in your place. I was there earlier this year, and for months, everything looked black. I felt I had no future, I was only going to hurt those around me, and I just couldn't tolerate who I was any longer. Thankfully I did. Things changed. Those around me showed they loved me and supported me. There was light. I changed. Now I can see a future, and it looks pretty good. For some reason we wallow in negative thoughts, when our situation isn't hopeless. Give it a chance. Start working on your transition, talk to someone who will support you. Give yourself some time. You are not alone. It does get better.

We care about you, you are one of us. Keep talking to us so we can move forward together.

Hugs,

Allie
« Last Edit: November 05, 2019, 02:08:53 pm by Allie Jayne »

Offline Listlesswanderer

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2019, 02:00:21 pm »
Listlesswanderer, many of us here have been in your place. I was there earlier this year, and for months, everything looked black. I felt I had no future, I was only going to hurt those around me, and I just couldn't tolerate who I was any longer. Thankfully I did. Things changed. Those around me showed they loved me and supported me. There was light. I changed. Now I can see a future, and it looks pretty good. For some reason we wallow in negative thoughts, when our situation isn't hopeless. Give it a chance. Start working on your transition, talk to someone who will support you. Give yourself some time. You are not alone. It does get better.

We care about you, you are one of us. Keep talking to us so we can move forward together.

Hugs,

Allie

Hello Allie,

You truly seem like a very lovely person! I wasn't expecting anyone to reach out in support of me, honestly! I totally, 100% get what you are saying about hurting others, for me the pain my wife was emoting was too unbearable, and the wall seemed pointless to climb as it appeared my family (wife and young son) would be a casualty of me admitting I am at minimum not the typical gender set that we are taught exists.

I suppose for me continuing really equals therapy since I do not feel comfortable moving forward with an unwilling spouse and need to understand if that relationship is something that should continue (I have substantial doubts). Like anything in life its super complicated, but in a nutshell she is an INTP and I am an INTJ (Myers Briggs test) which means we are (per a random website) 61% compatible, but our biggest issue is implementation. She is content with status quo (for most things, not just any glimmer of a transition of any real substance) and I am always the change-maker, so there's that. Also she has difficulty in her role as mother due to a lack of cooking knowledge and other basic skills but does not want to work--technically I could support us all after a split, but lifestyle would have to adjust or she would have to work. In either case I see my son suffering from the collateral damage that change would bring (my wife has never worked).

As an INTJ I crave being alone and focused (my mom told me I also was diagnosed with Aspergers, which now is not a diagnosis I believe--not sure--but that this was done to get speech help, so I am not even sure if its really apt; but if feels right) and my wife is clingy, and so I cannot get stuff done a lot of the time other than my basic work (I have other ambitions, writing, music, I even bought a domain name, and I own real estate, etc.)

I wish it were simple and that I was single, like I stayed until age 25--the dysphoria just became too much and I thought it was loneliness, my wife had good timing and an agenda to get pregnant shortly after marriage--and wants to do it again--I feel trapped.

I do have love for her, but its more of a parental love as I am really the doer in the family; she gets all "babytalk" on me all the time even in serious conversations (like the repeated "I want a kid" conversation; last night she talked about how we should use genetics to choose our child's gender and eye color when I, in desperation, talked about a sibling for my son who has substantial behavioral issues (he is in speech therapy as well, but with no diagnosis yet), and I tried to, again, speak to how she would need to mature, learn to cook, etc.; and then we basically have a nonsense Gattica discussion--I mean I get she wants to interact with me, but sometimes things need to be serious; consequences/responsibility are 100% on me, so I guess for her its not relevant).

Sorry for the rant, very non-sequitter, but I genuinely appreciate your reaching out and I hope you are well, maybe some day I will figure out this puzzlebox of a life I have...
Life moves fast? I remember when I couldn't wait for the day at school to end, and now I count in years for my life to change.

Time is all we own, and it is preciously wasting.

--Josephine

If only I had someone to hold my hand...

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Can't stop crying today...
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2019, 02:54:08 pm »
Listlesswanderer, I’m so glad you found my words to be of help! I have to admit that I wrote that in response to Gabriel_C, and at 4.30 am here in Australia, I mixed the names up! We are all facing the same challenges in general, and this forum gives the opportunity to learn from others experiences. You have faced some dark times, and posted to help another facing those times, as I did, but my words are for anybody facing dark times.

Your situation has touched me as well. I married at 25 to a woman who wanted children , but did not have the basic skills to look after them. She was unsupportive of my trans side, and complained that I made her feel inadequate when I helped her care for our 2 babies and with her domestic duties. She couldn’t even wake for night feeds even though she was breastfeeding! I was at my limit, working to support us, and carrying the bulk of childcare and domestic duties. Then she left us.

I raised my daughter and son from 5 and 3 years old by myself, managing to work and cater to all their needs, but it was really tough, and left me no time for myself. Raising my kids was so rewarding, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else!

Work on making the best of your current situation first, as it doesn’t get easier to walk away. I couldn’t save my first marriage, but I’m giving it my all to save my second! I wish you the best in whatever way your life goes, as I know this struggle wel myself.

Hugs,

Allie