Author Topic: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know  (Read 20444 times)

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Offline Stepheewt

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Ok, so I have been asked a bunch of times about me. It’s time I talk about it. Even if just for my own therapy. First of all I am calling this the Pod Cast not because it’s some cool thing you can listen too on line. It’s because, It’s how I feel......I have been stuck in a pod or body of someone I’m not my whole life. Now I’m casting out myself to find the inner girl inside. Funny she has been there the whole time.
 
I actually feel like, I’m always acting or reacting to people but I am never my true self ever. I plan on being that person here. I encourage everyone to let down there guard and be that person No lies, no trying to be better for others. Who am I to judge. Well now I laid down the basics.....next I will get to my story....if you want to reply, ask me questions or give opinions please do. I hope this becomes interactive and everyone can be openly helping others. Maybe my story will be weird or maybe exactly where you came from and make you feel your not alone. Possibly that is the reason I’m doing this. Just to see if there are others with this kind of experience. ( ok already on with it)..... my next post will be the start of my story....which I will be doing as soon as I post this
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2019, 07:39:03 pm »
Ok where to start. How do I know I’m Trans ( not like there is a guide book out there or something) I guess I never truly figured it all out. I lived in Denial forever.

My first memory of this was actually at about 4 or so. My aunts would dress me up in my grandmothers wigs for fun. It was just silliness, but I remember. The feeling I got was so electric. Later I remember Being so attracted to the undergarments. Didn’t matter who’s, all of them from bras in the laundry to hosiery. I guess it was even exciting to me at a young age. Weird since I felt for the longest time it was just a sexual turn on. How could that be. I wasn’t sexual back then. I was like 5.

When I was about 8 or so, I would get home from school before anyone else. (my parents in those days felt, I could be home for an hour or so before them by myself without there being a problem)
 They were right. I never got into any trouble, but I did discover (since I was alone) I could get into Moms under clothes. I would cross dress alot for a bit there. Weirdly I would get on the pantyhose or tights. Then want to jump on there bed in them. (Not sure why other than I was so giddy and free) I of course went on to trying on more things. Dresses, bras, you name it. It was a exciting thing to do. When I was done, I always wanted more. But I couldn’t never let anyone know what I felt. It would be considered SICK.....unnatural. What would they do to me. So I went on getting more and more daring. Even trying on pantyhose hose in the bathroom while they were home just to ge my fix. Never got caught. Door was locked.

Now here is the weird thought I just had..... I have forever believed I did this stuff for a sexual fetish. I would think back while being a teenager later on believing that it was a sick perversion. But once again all of this happened before the years of puberty or masterbation even. 

It wasn’t a sexual thing it was really just the inner me trying to get out.

Either way back to it.... I then tried on pantyhose under my long pajamas a few times going to bed.   Who would know right. I did this a half a dozen times. It just felt good. Until the one day, I overslept..... my mom caught me with them on. She could see my feet hanging out the bottom of my pajamas. Very obvious tan pantyhose.

 She asked why a bunch of times. I didn’t have a great answer. She wasn’t really mad just puzzled. I quickly came up with an excuse,
“I was cold needed something more to keep me warm”
(it was the dead of winter) terrible excuse.

 Even brought up that Joe Namath used to wear them.
As the rumor would have it(he is a mans man right) For whatever reason she bought it. I 🤔 think,
Either way she let it drop. My brother however did notice it too. (He was 4 years younger so didn’t really ever remember to bring it up to me ever again. I was thankful) Later that night my Mom confronted me with a question that has haunted me my entire life.....She asked

Do you want to be a girl?

Quickly I said No, it was just a thing.
(Why could I not have just said yes ? my parents were and still are very loving accepting people)
.
I think it would have been hard but I do believe they would have found a way to accept it.
The rest of my family, Grandparents, Uncles, Cousins......not so much.
School would have been a living hell. Kids are so cruel. But I could have just answered a different way..........my whole life is different. 

I will leave it there for now, see if anyone else has ever been where I was. Maybe felt this way. I know the breakthrough or realization that I wasn’t just a perv, was why the memory of this is very significant. So is that one question by my mom so long ago. And the choice I made.

I’ll add more to this continue soon. I’m sure this is the longest post ever now. If anyone is reading this so far I thank you. 
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2019, 09:08:15 pm »
Hi Stephee,
   Congrats on becoming an author. Nice that you are expressing your thoughts. When I was figuring myself out, I found a journal very helpful. Don't worry, we are already lining up to bust your chops if we see you lying to yourself. LOL I think you are lucky to have been asked if you wanted to be a girl. I pretty much know, I would have been yelled at. I don't know about you but I found indulging in 'woulda's and should of's' is pretty much a waste of time. Ya can't change it and why torture yourself.
Hugs Girl,
Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline KristySims

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2019, 09:38:55 pm »
Hey Steph,  love your story I am sure it will resonate with a lot of other women on this site including myself!  It's very affirming that I was not the only person that grew up thinking the same things or wishing "coulda, woulda shoulda" you know I think that we were given the body's we were born with to become the people we are today (At least that's how I have to think about it)  One day your wisdom and experience may help another..... even if it is to help educate someone that has no idea what it means to be transgender....  or in my case today someone crying out for validation and me being there to tell them it's okay and you will be there to support and love them.  So thanks for sharing, Love and can't wait to read the next chapter :) 

Kris

Offline Lexxi

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2019, 09:39:37 pm »
Nice post Stepheewt,

Of course I read the whole thing. It was really good too! It reminded me of a story I heard another trans woman tell about how she realized that she was trans. She was the baby of the family and had 3 or 4 older sisters. They used her, (him at the time I guess), as a living baby doll and this continued for years. They were always dressing him up in their old clothes and it just felt so natural. This was back in the old days when dresses were more prevalent for young ladies, so he ended up wearing a lot of them. He loved it though and it made him realize that he had been born in the wrong body.

I made my discovery at a very early age too. I was 5 and I know that because I was in kindergarten at the time. When it was playtime I always stayed inside and played dolls with the girls instead of going outside with the boys to plays with cars in the dirt. The intense bullying I faced made me change my ways.

As far as clothes go I used to try to put on my mom's bras when I would find myself alone. But that didn't happen very often, and when it did, of course they never fit. They would just fall down so I kind of gave that up. My biggest thing was my hair...I never wanted it cut. When I was little I would cry every time I had to go to the barbershop. My dad always thought I cried because I was afraid of the clippers, but it was because I wanted to grow my hair long like all the other girls had. Of course I never told him the truth.

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2019, 09:50:34 pm »
Hi Stephee I am glad you decided to do this.  And yes as Moni said we will be lining up to 'bust your chops'  :D

During my transition that was the best thing anybody ever did for me.  A few people would constantly ask me WHY? about everything.  Why the fear, why the prosthetic breasts, why the 2 Facebook accounts why this and that.

You know why we can call BS on people that are pre-transition? 
Not because we are better rather it's because we lived it.  Although we all have our own stories there are some common themes we share.
 
The reason I ask tough questions is not to be mean or judgmental rather it is to provide things to consider.  That is what helped me figure myself out.  And while that journey is not 100% complete many aspects of it are such as living openly.

Regarding your childhood experiences I could write about mine for pages.  Sneaking Mom's clothes, visiting Grandma's and hiding in the bathroom using makeup or at the neighbors while baby sitting and on and on.  Going to the library to read books about transsexuals.  It was endless and evolved into acquiring stuff in my 20s for crossdressing.

Anyway.... back to your sexual arousal.  UH YEP.  That is also common.  Many transwomen mix their gender orientation into what they think is a sexual fetish it is super common.  There are many fantasy websites dedicated to that concept.

In the 1990's there was a PhD named Blanchard who came up with this theory called 'autogynephilia' basically that transsexuals were not transsexuals at all and instead they had misplaced their attraction to women and redirected it to themselves.  A very popular ( and smart in my opinion ) opponent of Blanchard's theory is Julia Serano.

I and many others here including Emma have done our research regarding prevailing theories of being transgender.
Some believe it a waste of time and I don't dispute their view but for me my own research helped me figure out somethings even if I disagreed with what I was reading.  Another source is Anne Vitale.

Starting to get long winded here so I will wrap up.  What you mentioned in your open sounds like many of our journeys.  We can't answer your questions for you but we can maybe point you in the right direction so that you can find them for yourself.

Looking forward to more.  Thanks for sharing.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2019, 10:15:54 pm »
Whoa......someone was actually reading these ramblings....Thanks for responding Everyone.
I’ll start with replying to a Moni first


Hi Stephee,
   Congrats on becoming an author. Nice that you are expressing your thoughts. When I was figuring myself out, I found a journal very helpful. Don't worry, we are already lining up to bust your chops if we see you lying to yourself. LOL I think you are lucky to have been asked if you wanted to be a girl. I pretty much know, I would have been yelled at. I don't know about you but I found indulging in 'woulda's and should of's' is pretty much a waste of time. Ya can't change it and why torture yourself.
Hugs Girl,
Moni

I’m an Author now...lol... Thanks for your comments and wisdom. And yeah I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone. Pure attempt at honesty here. I do think looking back they would have accepted me. But the terror of everyone else, ......I’ll get to that in the next post some.
Like you said I can’t change what happened now.
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2019, 10:19:16 pm »
Hey Steph,  love your story I am sure it will resonate with a lot of other women on this site including myself!  It's very affirming that I was not the only person that grew up thinking the same things or wishing "coulda, woulda shoulda" you know I think that we were given the body's we were born with to become the people we are today (At least that's how I have to think about it)  One day your wisdom and experience may help another..... even if it is to help educate someone that has no idea what it means to be transgender....  or in my case today someone crying out for validation and me being there to tell them it's okay and you will be there to support and love them.  So thanks for sharing, Love and can't wait to read the next chapter :) 

Kris

Thank you for saying that. I’m not sure what my story will do for others but if it does help great.
I’m here to answer questions not sure the answers will be right, but just getting a response is big not just for me but for the new Transgender person who is out there lost, confused. It’s nice to know someone is reading this.
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2019, 10:25:20 pm »
Nice post Stepheewt,

Of course I read the whole thing. It was really good too! It reminded me of a story I heard another trans woman tell about how she realized that she was trans. She was the baby of the family and had 3 or 4 older sisters. They used her, (him at the time I guess), as a living baby doll and this continued for years. They were always dressing him up in their old clothes and it just felt so natural. This was back in the old days when dresses were more prevalent for young ladies, so he ended up wearing a lot of them. He loved it though and it made him realize that he had been born in the wrong body.

I made my discovery at a very early age too. I was 5 and I know that because I was in kindergarten at the time. When it was playtime I always stayed inside and played dolls with the girls instead of going outside with the boys to plays with cars in the dirt. The intense bullying I faced made me change my ways.

As far as clothes go I used to try to put on my mom's bras when I would find myself alone. But that didn't happen very often, and when it did, of course they never fit. They would just fall down so I kind of gave that up. My biggest thing was my hair...I never wanted it cut. When I was little I would cry every time I had to go to the barbershop. My dad always thought I cried because I was afraid of the clippers, but it was because I wanted to grow my hair long like all the other girls had. Of course I never told him the truth.

xoxo
Lexxi

Wow, sounds like you have been through a lot too. I never got into dolls much.....wait as I say that ...I did actually play with them some when I was much younger. Wow it’s like I blocked that out......Sometimes you live the lie so long. The story gets better in your own mind. I didn’t have baby dolls, but Ai did, play with a Barbie.   When I got that look 👀.... I stopped and then big time got into playing with stuffed animals, furry, soft things. Also I am a 70 and 80s child( now I screwed up giving up my age, ...wait no lies here.....) I loved long hair sad when my now wife made me cut it. Now she’s mad it’s long again....but that’s another story.
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2019, 10:34:47 pm »
Hi Stephee I am glad you decided to do this.  And yes as Moni said we will be lining up to 'bust your chops'  :D

During my transition that was the best thing anybody ever did for me.  A few people would constantly ask me WHY? about everything.  Why the fear, why the prosthetic breasts, why the 2 Facebook accounts why this and that.

You know why we can call BS on people that are pre-transition? 
Not because we are better rather it's because we lived it.  Although we all have our own stories there are some common themes we share.
 
The reason I ask tough questions is not to be mean or judgmental rather it is to provide things to consider.  That is what helped me figure myself out.  And while that journey is not 100% complete many aspects of it are such as living openly.

Regarding your childhood experiences I could write about mine for pages.  Sneaking Mom's clothes, visiting Grandma's and hiding in the bathroom using makeup or at the neighbors while baby sitting and on and on.  Going to the library to read books about transsexuals.  It was endless and evolved into acquiring stuff in my 20s for crossdressing.

Anyway.... back to your sexual arousal.  UH YEP.  That is also common.  Many transwomen mix their gender orientation into what they think is a sexual fetish it is super common.  There are many fantasy websites dedicated to that concept.

In the 1990's there was a PhD named Blanchard who came up with this theory called 'autogynephilia' basically that transsexuals were not transsexuals at all and instead they had misplaced their attraction to women and redirected it to themselves.  A very popular ( and smart in my opinion ) opponent of Blanchard's theory is Julia Serano.

I and many others here including Emma have done our research regarding prevailing theories of being transgender.
Some believe it a waste of time and I don't dispute their view but for me my own research helped me figure out somethings even if I disagreed with what I was reading.  Another source is Anne Vitale.

Starting to get long winded here so I will wrap up.  What you mentioned in your open sounds like many of our journeys.  We can't answer your questions for you but we can maybe point you in the right direction so that you can find them for yourself.

Looking forward to more.  Thanks for sharing.

Kim.......a treasure trove of amazing info as usual. Yeah I am going more into that sexual versus am I a Trans coming up.   I don’t know what the experts believe or not is true. But real trans people can attest to real experience. That to me says more. My own experience now shows me the light. Go ahead bust my chops if you need to, I need to be honest. No bull. You ask a question, I will respond honesty. I believe I need to. I have been a fake, acting the part my entire life. I need to stop. Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me to see you and Moni, Kristy, Lexxi. It’s good to know someone cares. I honestly thought it would be a few days before someone even noticed.

On to the next chapter
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline KateR

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2019, 10:40:06 pm »
Hi Steph:

Read your post, and had to stop for a deep breath.  Our stories are so similar, with only minor differences.  For me I think my earliest memory was age 3.  I also had the question from my mother about wanting to be a girl and giving a similar answer.  Then my memory is that was the right answer or things would have quickly gone down hill.

School for me was a living hell.  Yes my peers were cruel.  I tried to hid it but I was different.

Thanks for publishing your story.  Know that there are a lot of similar stories among this community.  And yes, as Moni said, we keep ourselves honest. ;-)

Kate


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Kate

Offline Lexxi

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2019, 10:43:29 pm »
Hi Stephee,

I don't know what it is about people thinking they can make someone else change their hairstyle. I've been working on growing mine out for some time now and I absolutely LOVE it!! When I go around my family (mom, dad, brother, etc.) though I always have to hide it up under a hat. It's the longest it's ever been...and honestly it's not that long yet. I mean if I pull it all the way back I can only make a two inch long ponytail, lol.

Maybe once I get up the courage to come out to them they'll quit talking or caring about my hair. For almost my entire life I had either a buzz cut, or it was kept very short. Now that it's getting longer it brings me peace to be able to twirl it around my finger. I was always jealous of women who could do that, and I know exactly why they do it...it just feels good.

I'm going to go to a hairdresser this week and tell them I won't to grow my hair long, and ask if I should have it trimmed to make it grow faster. I don't know if I have dead ends because I don't really know what dead ends look like. But I'm going to educate myself on the best way to grow my hair the way I want it. I no longer care what anyone else things about it.

Good luck with your hair. I hope your wife comes around.

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2019, 10:53:38 pm »
A few days before anyone noticed? LOL.  The replies are flying in so fast the server might shut down.

It's tough to be honest with ourselves after a life of hiding.  The more open you are the more you will find yourself.

The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2019, 10:55:51 pm »
A few days before anyone noticed? LOL.  The replies are flying in so fast the server might shut down.

It's tough to be honest with ourselves after a life of hiding.  The more open you are the more you will find yourself.

OK had to come back to edit.  That last line of mine above sounds like a set up for Moni to give me a Kimmie wan kanobe
shot.  :D 
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2019, 11:00:50 pm »
Well...wow...People are actually reading this craziness. Thank you. And as I said I hope even guests who come by will post too if they want to. This is not a place you need a picture in your profile to be responded to. You are who you are just be honest.

Well........I left off where my Mom caught me with the panty hose and asked me that question
Do you want to be a girl(yes mom yes yes yes)....then out loud I said No. Honestly I was way to scared to admit that to myself at the time. I thought there was something just wrong in my head.
Now let me tell you about myself as a kid. I was the nerd who got picked on. I had glasses, wasn’t the cool kid. I was tortured for quite a long time in school. This was before middle school. Not that I was going to admit to this.......Nope. I’m not that brave. I stopped cross dressing for a while after that. I was still interested in it, but just stopped. I remember a weird thing happened though about the time right before puberty hit. I was watching Not necessarily the news (old HBO spoof show from the 80s, it was the 80s then) Had a commercial parody about supporting our Summer Olympic Athletes. Big commercial “He will still be out there training early each day, working out to be the best, support him. Well steroids had just broke on the news and the side effects produced some chesty side effects to men. The spoof had the guy running each morning, he’s out there again, and with your support and state of the art training(showing him taking pills)
When the games are on you’ll say “She is still out there” ( now showing the guy fully feminized as the joke. I saw that spot and stopped cold. Actually asked my dad why that was funny(did I hear and see that right).. He told me just about steroids. If you take to many it makes men grow boobs like mommy. We laughed, I said Oh.. funny. ( inside I was like WE HAVE LIFT OFF, MY GOD THERE IS SUCH A THING AS MAGIC PILLS) Seriously I wanted steroids so I could fake trying to get tougher and only by mistake turned into a woman. He not completely my fault then.

I know it’s a long way to go for this thought but it was the first time I realized, that could actually happen to a guy. Secret life then took over again. I waited till we moved a year later. I had my own room with a lock. Back to cross dressing. This time I was faking having boobs under my shirt. I would actually take my tighty whiteys and where them back wards over my head. Sticking my head out one side with my arm the other hole for my other arm. I could stuff my chest, wear a shirt. And boom I had boobs. I tried socks, knee highs rolled up, cotton balls stuffed together.
Even took cotton filling from my old stuffed animals. Again I thought I was sick. Disgusting and puberty was coming next.    I leave that to my next post.
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline KateR

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2019, 11:16:06 pm »

Do you want to be a girl(yes mom yes yes yes)....then out loud I said No. Honestly I was way to scared to admit that to myself at the time. I thought there was something just wrong in my head.

....

Again I thought I was sick.



Did you believe you were sick, or were you aware of what society was believing?


Not criticizing.  I had very similar thoughts.

Kate


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Kate

Offline KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2019, 11:23:46 pm »
The old magic pill fantasy LOL.  If only.  As I mentioned before there are many websites that specialize in exploring sex change fantasies.  Maybe you have been to them maybe not.  With embarrassment I admit I frequented them. 

I discussed this whole thing of fantasy / sexualization / wishing etc etc with my therapist.  It is normal.  It's called coping and surviving.  Our minds figure out ways so that we can get by.

It is sad and why many of us including me have felt broken at times.  Probably why most of us look for support here.

Stephee it was not just you and there are already others reading saying ' yeah me too '
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2019, 12:00:27 am »
Hi Steph:

Read your post, and had to stop for a deep breath.  Our stories are so similar, with only minor differences.  For me I think my earliest memory was age 3.  I also had the question from my mother about wanting to be a girl and giving a similar answer.  Then my memory is that was the right answer or things would have quickly gone down hill.

School for me was a living hell.  Yes my peers were cruel.  I tried to hid it but I was different.

Thanks for publishing your story.  Know that there are a lot of similar stories among this community.  And yes, as Moni said, we keep ourselves honest. ;-)

Kate


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That’s amazing our stories are so similar You just try to get through, and the next thing you know. It’s years later and your not the person you believe you should be..
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2019, 12:02:22 am »
Catching up to all the replies

Hi Stephee,

I don't know what it is about people thinking they can make someone else change their hairstyle. I've been working on growing mine out for some time now and I absolutely LOVE it!! When I go around my family (mom, dad, brother, etc.) though I always have to hide it up under a hat. It's the longest it's ever been...and honestly it's not that long yet. I mean if I pull it all the way back I can only make a two inch long ponytail, lol.

Maybe once I get up the courage to come out to them they'll quit talking or caring about my hair. For almost my entire life I had either a buzz cut, or it was kept very short. Now that it's getting longer it brings me peace to be able to twirl it around my finger. I was always jealous of women who could do that, and I know exactly why they do it...it just feels good.

I'm going to go to a hairdresser this week and tell them I won't to grow my hair long, and ask if I should have it trimmed to make it grow faster. I don't know if I have dead ends because I don't really know what dead ends look like. But I'm going to educate myself on the best way to grow my hair the way I want it. I no longer care what anyone else things about it.

Good luck with your hair. I hope your wife comes around.

xoxo
Lexxi

God I love long hair. The hair bands were so my era. They had long hair played fun music and guys wore make up....I know if it were up to me I would have always had long hair
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #19 on: June 02, 2019, 12:07:27 am »

Did you believe you were sick, or were you aware of what society was believing?


Not criticizing.  I had very similar thoughts.

Kate


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I didn’t know what to believe, I was told you can’t think about even acting out anything but like a man. You would get picked on mercilessly if you were a sissy. Because then they thought you were GAY...Oh my god ....your a horrible faggot....it was the way of my youth. Kids were brutal. I was scarred to be thought of as gay or a sissy for that reason. And to my extended family I would have been disgusting. So yes in my brain....I believed I was a sick disgusting person, I had to just keep it a secret. No one had to know,....I can just get over this.....See how well that worked out. I hope that answers your question.....
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either