Topic: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know

[Stepheewt]

The old magic pill fantasy LOL.  If only.  As I mentioned before there are many websites that specialize in exploring sex change fantasies.  Maybe you have been to them maybe not.  With embarrassment I admit I frequented them. 

I discussed this whole thing of fantasy / sexualization / wishing etc etc with my therapist.  It is normal.  It's called coping and surviving.  Our minds figure out ways so that we can get by.

It is sad and why many of us including me have felt broken at times.  Probably why most of us look for support here.

Stephee it was not just you and there are already others reading saying ' yeah me too '

Whoa....that last part “not just me.”..”others” and me too”.......I just got tears.

Also the whole fantasy thing yup, that will be in up coming posts.( I was worried about including that thinking someone would call me out here as sick or not truly belonging here) God I worry so much about what others think.  It’s because Im always waiting to act out my next angle. So hard to be honest with myself. But magic pills yes sir..I found them called Estrogen....who knew at 12 right. No internet then....crazy the world has changed.

[Lexxi]

Hi Stephee,

OMG...if we had the internet back when we were young I truly believe I could have been one of those kids like Jazz Jennings. She's the girl who was able to stop her puberty and become the person she knew she was from the get-go, and her parents backed her up 100%. Have you watched her show I Am Jazz? If you haven't you really should. She's one of the bravest people I've ever seen!

xoxo
Lexxi

[Stepheewt]

Quick disclaimer I do use some offensive derogatory words in this one..Just what people said back then. I don’t believe in them and I don’t call people them...so if it offends you...don’t get bent out of shape, real life stories have that stuff in them


Where I left off...Magic Pills and zany new obsession with boobs. .....I truly have been obsessed for years. I often fantasized about growing them. I read all I could about steroids, then People who had a sex change. I was obsessed. Then puberty hits. I now began to understand I could put this in my fantasy world as a sexual thing. It has no doubt taken me from that time till just the last few years to know it wasn’t all about sex with me. My memory of this stuff is before then.

When it did hit though.Boom.... I was all in. Sure I dated girls(not many I was a nerd) I fantasized about girls, knew I was into women. (Yeah I can’t be a sissy now I like girls)
Still avoiding being gay at that time. I still was a bit of a softer guy though and hung with some girls that caught the eye of some bullies. I then got in this fight in gym class on the play ground with a kid who knocked me as hard as he could into a fence. Called me a Fag..Broke my glasses. I let loose all the years of frustration and let him have it. Got in a fight and declared no one will ever do that again. No more glasses, (seriously never wore them again, my eyes grew stronger and never went back) no more less than manly behavior, I tried to be cool, the tough guy, went out for pee wee Football. I was the man from that point on. I got great at acting the part.

Honestly I did eventually get cooler to some people was no longer looked at as sissy so it worked, but it wasn’t like I became a stud cool guy either. I just fought hard to get to the middle. (In secret I was Stephee, just I hadn’t named her yet) So for years like other boys I would get my jollies to girls(and unlike other boys still secretly, fantasize about being a girl) when I got to the point I could drive.

Dirty magazine shops were now something I could go to. And they had a Shemale section. I didn’t know how horrible that word was. How disgusting and derogatory that phrase is to me now. I just knew that was the section I could find guys who got magic pills. Actually found many had implants instead. A bit disappointed really. My thought was to always grow my own. Not that I have any issues at all with those who choose to go under the knife. It’s just never something that was preferred by me. Especially at that stage in my life. When I got to the point I could see others like what I thought about, I could read transformation magazine, get fantasy feminization books to read. I was in my glory in private.
In real life I was sick and disgusting to myself. I am a good looking young man going well in high school. What is wrong with me. But it was an outlet to that side. Like the drug I could do in private, no one knew I was addicted to. I would bury it as far as I could. But something always brought me back to it. Then I had my closest to gay/Trans sex thing happen to me live and in person. I’ll go over that in my next post.

I hope I’m not just rambling at this point and it’s going somewhere. I love the support Ive gotten this far. You are all super amazing people.

[Stepheewt]

Hi Stephee,

OMG...if we had the internet back when we were young I truly believe I could have been one of those kids like Jazz Jennings. She's the girl who was able to stop her puberty and become the person she knew she was from the get-go, and her parents backed her up 100%. Have you watched her show I Am Jazz? If you haven't you really should. She's one of the bravest people I've ever seen!

xoxo
Lexxi

Yes I have...amazing little girl there. So strong. Not sure she would have
Been the same growing up when we did. That is progress. Not as much as we would like. But that is amazing.

[TonyaW]

Wow,  Stephee

I could quote just about every post on this thread and say yeah, me too.

Here's my version of my mom asking me if I want to be a girl.  Pretty sure she doesn't remember and probably not my sisters either. When I was around 12 years old or so, we had some old clothes in the basement, not sure where they came from or why they were there. There was a skirt in the bag that fit me and I would sneak down there and wear it when I could. One day my older sister came down for some reason and before I could get into a part of the basement where she wouldn't see me, she saw me.  I made some lame excuse about wanting to see how I looked, took it off and threw it in the laundry pile instead of the bag it came from. Couple days later my mom is folding the laundry in the kitchen while I'm watching TV in the next room with both my sisters. My mom not recognizing the skirt asks them whose it is. My older sister says "its <deadname>'s. My sister tell the story and everyone laughs.  My mom looks and me and jokingly asks "do you want to be a girl"? I of course said no but the thought did cross my mind  to say yes and I often wondered what would have happened if I had.

Kim,  Mr. B and his completely discredited awful "A" theory messed me up pretty good 20 years ago.  I didn't buy it that all late transitioners were that way, but having sexualized my crossdressing at some point it seemed to fit for me. If I had not come across that <not allowed> at the time its possible I would have seriously looked at transition back then instead of going deeper in the closet

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[KathyLauren]

Hi, Stephee.  I was halfway through typing a reply last night when my fire department pager went off and I had to run.  Then this morning, my computer died and I had to rummage up a backup computer.  So now I am back on, and I see that your thread has exploded!  And you were wondering if anyone would read it!

I will leave it there for now, see if anyone else has ever been where I was. Maybe felt this way.

You know, I could have written just about every word of your post.  Our experiences are very similar.  I, too, raided the laundry hamper for my mothers things.  I never got caught, though.  I, too, confused my dysphoria with my sexuality around the time of puberty (I had no idea about either back then) and assumed I was some kind of pervert. 

This is such a common story, I am sure that 90% of trans women could tell it from experience.  Trust me, we know exactly where you are coming from.

[Emma1017]

Yay Stephee!!!

I was out last night and missed the opening day party.  So glad you posted!!!  Everything you wrote parallels me and it seems all of us.  At 5 years old I traded a truck I never wanted with a friend for a pair of her tights and off to the races I go, 58 years later I am on HRT.

The world gave us no one who understood or we could trust.  We were children who quickly needed to learn our own survival skills and then practice and build on them the rest of our lives.

Welcome to a very cool place here, a place without shame, fear and denial.  I told you before, you are beautiful!


Hugs,

Emma

[Stepheewt]

Wow,  Stephee

I could quote just about every post on this thread and say yeah, me too.

Here's my version of my mom asking me if I want to be a girl.  Pretty sure she doesn't remember and probably not my sisters either. When I was around 12 years old or so, we had some old clothes in the basement, not sure where they came from or why they were there. There was a skirt in the bag that fit me and I would sneak down there and wear it when I could. One day my older sister came down for some reason and before I could get into a part of the basement where she wouldn't see me, she saw me.  I made some lame excuse about wanting to see how I looked, took it off and threw it in the laundry pile instead of the bag it came from. Couple days later my mom is folding the laundry in the kitchen while I'm watching TV in the next room with both my sisters. My mom not recognizing the skirt asks them whose it is. My older sister says "its <deadname>'s. My sister tell the story and everyone laughs.  My mom looks and me and jokingly asks "do you want to be a girl"? I of course said no but the thought did cross my mind  to say yes and I often wondered what would have happened if I had.

Kim,  Mr. B and his completely discredited awful "A" theory messed me up pretty good 20 years ago.  I didn't buy it that all late transitioners were that way, but having sexualized my crossdressing at some point it seemed to fit for me. If I had not come across that <not allowed> at the time its possible I would have seriously looked at transition back then instead of going deeper in the closet

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Thanks for reading Tonya.....Amazing to think if we had do overs...the what if’s are endless. Strangely as I was reading that I thought, what I would have looked like at that age with a cute skirt. It’s just Boom the image comes up in my mind and Stephee takes over.

I hate that even clinical people have come up with theories to make us all just sexual perverts. There supposed to be helpful. In my opinion, groups like this are what is the most helpful to people. Sorry you had to endure those issues for so long.

[Stepheewt]

Hi, Stephee.  I was halfway through typing a reply last night when my fire department pager went off and I had to run.  Then this morning, my computer died and I had to rummage up a backup computer.  So now I am back on, and I see that your thread has exploded!  And you were wondering if anyone would read it!

You know, I could have written just about every word of your post.  Our experiences are very similar.  I, too, raided the laundry hamper for my mothers things.  I never got caught, though.  I, too, confused my dysphoria with my sexuality around the time of puberty (I had no idea about either back then) and assumed I was some kind of pervert. 

This is such a common story, I am sure that 90% of trans women could tell it from experience.  Trust me, we know exactly where you are coming from.

Damn computers....my I pad almost went dead during my last ramblings. Would have really stunk to have to had written all that again.........yeah this thread seems to be getting a few people to reply. I really truly wasn’t sure what would happen. I just needed an honest outlet. It’s so nice to have support.   And to think so many others felt the same is just crazy. (Wait maybe we’re not all just perverts but crying out for help......)

Btw ....super huge respect for you being a first responder....can’t thank you enough.
Thanks for reading KathyLauren.

[Stepheewt]

Yay Stephee!!!

I was out last night and missed the opening day party.  So glad you posted!!!  Everything you wrote parallels me and it seems all of us.  At 5 years old I traded a truck I never wanted with a friend for a pair of her tights and off to the races I go, 58 years later I am on HRT.

The world gave us no one who understood or we could trust.  We were children who quickly needed to learn our own survival skills and then practice and build on them the rest of our lives.

Welcome to a very cool place here, a place without shame, fear and denial.  I told you before, you are beautiful!


Hugs,

Emma

Emma...😀......Hey great to see you post. Again who knew what we were all in for at such a young age. Trading a truck for tights....that’s awesome... I’m sure I would have been to scared to even talk to someone about that deal.

I’m glad this is a place without shame. It feels like home here. Sisterhood in this place is so strong it makes me emotional. Thanks for reading. I’m sure I’ll be posting on your thread again soon too.

[Emma1017]

Excellent!  Kim is buying the coffee!

[Stepheewt]

Unbelievable....the support I have gotten so far...just thank you....it is so scary that so many sisters have felt the same way. Did the same things at an early age. And we were supposed to make an honest decision that is lifetime affecting at like 5... what is weird is that I really thought my story was different I was the weird one....so cool to know I am not Alone.

Ok ....again no words this time but this does get a little more sexual in nature, I’ll keep that to a minimum I promise. It’s not for the purpose of getting ones jollies. There are sites for that. But fair warning.


Ok where I left off.........oh yeah the closest thing I have ever had to Gay/Trans Sex experience. It actually wasn’t. I was the only participating party. But at the time boy did it throw me for a Loop.

 As you have read, I knew a lot about side effects to steroids. I actually came face to face with it. I had a neighborhood friend where I lived in my early years (the house I was caught with hosiery on) He lived down the street. Well a few years later (I started 6th grade in my new home) This was about the time of 9th grade (High school time) my old friend wanted to stay over the house. My new room was now in the basement. I moved down there from the second floor for more privacy( also a TV) Mom and dad liked the idea too, so perfect. Also next to laundry room (full access to clothing) So let’s celebrate the new room with a sleep over, stay up late and so on...

..He was a few years older than me. A little over weight. And by no means gay. He did however let me know he used steroids. Now I didn’t think in a million years the effects I thought of before could have happened to him before he came to my house. I just had a friend come over that’s it. Well apparently he used them and really just thought he would get big muscles and that’s it(no real working out).....Didn’t work that way. He soon got some breast tissue. Since he was overweight most were none the wiser Including me. The night he stayed at my house, we slept in the same pull out bed. No big deal. I went to use the bathroom and when I came back noticed he was sleeping with no shirt on covers were off.

For the first time...I saw live and in person what it looks like when a man starts to grow boobs. (not fat moobs but real ones).. You could see the enlarged Areolas, nipples out. I was just stunned and turned on in my screwed up way. I actually pleasured myself while laying next to him from it. He never knew. I felt like...”oh my god I crossed the line...I’m now too far gone. Does it make me gay, or what is wrong with me.... I was so excited by the thought that could happen to a man(possibly me) I couldn’t help myself. Things were fine the next day he went home early and we never had a sleep over again. I did talk to him over the years found out in a passing story about why the Roids didn’t work on him. (like he was telling me new info) He had no idea I already knew what they did.

I did see him years later. Still overweight. Looks fine no problems there. But the incident for me shook me for years to come. I wasn’t only trying to prove to the world that I was Mr Cool guy, who bagged and tagged all these Canadian girls. (I actually told friends, stupid stuff like that) I now was trying to prove to myself that I was a straight Cool guy. What a mess I was in private.
How could I do those things, think that way. On the outside I was a long hair (hair band 80s era) Cool guy who dated girls, played some sports, hung out with my group of guy friends. And no one knew I was fighting this demon inside (so I thought) Turns out the real lie was what I was living, not the struggling person inside. I’m sure this post has gotten too long now so....I’ll end it here.

Next posting of my story, I’ll talk make up and my Mom. Later my college times.

[Stepheewt]

So far I am a young boy fascinated with girls clothes into girls parts(boobs) then into the fascinating world of guys actually changing into girls. Still I’m just a mess. Hope the last entry wasn’t too uncomfortable to read. Now a few memories about make up and my mom.

For a long time I hated to admit that I was a voyeur at a young age. Another one of those things that made me hate myself. I used to watch my mom dress up until about 9 or so( I’m sure Mom understood it’s about time to have me somewhere else) I thought to myself for a bit I was watching my mom sexually as a kid, how gross.....I’m a terrible person.(what’s was wrong with me)

 When I really let myself remember those times. They weren’t sexual at all. I actually wasn’t fascinated with her breasts like a porno, but her form. I found her beautiful. I felt jealous. She wore these undergarments. Her body was soft. Her hair was styled. And her make up was so cool. To this day I believe it takes a part artist to do make up right. Seriously I still suck at it.
God, thinking about it, I never wanted to grow up to be like my a Dad...(who I love so dearly, fantastic person) I actually wanted to grow up and be like my Mom.

Wow...that just stopped me cold for a minute. Breakthrough time here.

 Ok.to continue...My first time putting it on was during those alone times after school (cross dressing in Elementary school, how did I deny who I am for so long). I tried again in Middle and High school but was so bad at it, I moved on. Plus I was so paranoid I would leave some on and get caught.
I did however use clearasil with a little blemish hiding brown in it for years. ( it was make up, to hide zits) My 2 regrets. I never got good at make up years ago and I still can’t walk in heels(just hurts)

The best my make up ever looked was when one of my best friends ( a girl, who really was more like a sister) helped me go Trick or Treating as a girl one year. It was supposed to be funny, ironic.
Something goofy to do for a laugh....  I didn’t actually look bad enough to have it be funny. Honestly it was probably uncomfortable for some to see me that way. I didn’t look half bad. I wore a skirt, dark pantyhose, blouse with stuffed bra. My hair was long blond so that was an easy fix. And I was accepted in public that way. When the night was over I was taking off the clothes. Basically had my shirt and bra off....I very Awkwardly started crying. My friend came in the room, said what’s up?....and I hugged her and thanked her for just being my friend. I’m not sure she ever knew what the hell just happened. We never spoke of it ever again. I didn’t put on make up myself again for years.

 College was next. Time to kill this sickness inside I can’t shake.... I could go there sleep with tons of women, get drunk and party. Finally get rid of these feelings once and for all. ( Stephee smiling in the background saying, “ not gonna happen, hot shot, I’m still here”) Ill continue into College next.

If anyone is still reading this ridiculousness Thank you. It is helping me work through a lot of memory. If it gets confusing let me know( lord knows I was confused) All your support is awesome.

[Stepheewt]

Excellent!  Kim is buying the coffee!

Lol...after writing my Posts....I May need to add something stronger in the coffee.

But hey that sounds like a dream morning. All us girls get together and just chat over Coffee like any other bunch of girls....sounds nice.😃

[KateR]

I didn’t know what to believe, I was told you can’t think about even acting out anything but like a man. You would get picked on mercilessly if you were a sissy. Because then they thought you were GAY...Oh my god ....your a horrible faggot....it was the way of my youth. Kids were brutal. I was scarred to be thought of as gay or a sissy for that reason. And to my extended family I would have been disgusting. So yes in my brain....I believed I was a sick disgusting person, I had to just keep it a secret. No one had to know,....I can just get over this.....See how well that worked out. I hope that answers your question.....

It wasn’t a question you had to answer to me, as much as it was a question to hopefully get you to think about what you’re saying about yourself.

(I realize it’s past tense, but I’m also a firm believer in ‘The Law of Attraction.’  What we create in our mind will ultimately become our reality!  OR People see what they believe.)

I don’t see you, or myself, as disgusting or sick.  I see society as trying to convince us we are disgusting or sick.  Yet we’re no different than anyone else on the planet.  We’re simply trying to make the best life for ourselves from the hand we were dealt during gestation.

I am a DES daughter.  The doctor and my mother thought they were giving me the best chance at life.  But like so many other chemicals / viruses / etc., that a woman can be exposed to during pregnancy, they can cause birth defects. 

Is a child with Downs Syndrome looked down on by society?  To humane people; no!  Humane people rally around and congratulate every achievement.

I’m not sick or disgusting (irrespective of what society may want me to believe.) I’m simply achieving in spite of a birth defect.

Like I said, your NOT sick and disgusting.  You were told, and made to believe your sick and disgusting.

Yes it’s a very subtle difference.  I believe, it’s a very important difference.  Especially when we are looking for mental health.

This and $1.50 might get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds....  ;-)

Kate


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[KateR]

Whoa....that last part “not just me.”..”others” and me too”.......I just got tears.

Also the whole fantasy thing yup, that will be in up coming posts.( I was worried about including that thinking someone would call me out here as sick or not truly belonging here) God I worry so much about what others think.  It’s because Im always waiting to act out my next angle. So hard to be honest with myself. But magic pills yes sir..I found them called Estrogen....who knew at 12 right. No internet then....crazy the world has changed.

Yes for us WOMEN, Estradiol works magic!

Kate


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[Stepheewt]

It wasn’t a question you had to answer to me, as much as it was a question to hopefully get you to think about what you’re saying about yourself.

(I realize it’s past tense, but I’m also a firm believer in ‘The Law of Attraction.’  What we create in our mind will ultimately become our reality!  OR People see what they believe.)

I don’t see you, or myself, as disgusting or sick.  I see society as trying to convince us we are disgusting or sick.  Yet we’re no different than anyone else on the planet.  We’re simply trying to make the best life for ourselves from the hand we were dealt during gestation.

I am a DES daughter.  The doctor and my mother thought they were giving me the best chance at life.  But like so many other chemicals / viruses / etc., that a woman can be exposed to during pregnancy, they can cause birth defects. 

Is a child with Downs Syndrome looked down on by society?  To humane people; no!  Humane people rally around and congratulate every achievement.

I’m not sick or disgusting (irrespective of what society may want me to believe.) I’m simply achieving in spite of a birth defect.

Like I said, your NOT sick and disgusting.  You were told, and made to believe your sick and disgusting.

Yes it’s a very subtle difference.  I believe, it’s a very important difference.  Especially when we are looking for mental health.

This and $1.50 might get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds....  ;-)

Kate


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Kate .....Fora very long time I really did believe that.. As you will read...it hasn’t been till just recently that I started to believe different. But as always you can’t control how others think. That makes me sad, not just for me but all of us. I appreciate your thoughts on this, it does make me think.

[Stepheewt]

Yes for us WOMEN, Estradiol works magic!

Kate


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Magic pills they are, it was the holy grail I looked for.....my dream to change me. Ironically they are real.......👱🏻‍♂️💫💥🌈👩🏼‍🦱

[Stepheewt]

Ok so no continued story today.....I’m not sure that last 2 parts went over too well anyway. But I had to get through it. It’s my thoughts and the honest things I’ve  done.

Today I just want to ask a simple question to you

Top 3 things you hate about being a man(or woman if your reading this too)

Just thinking about this today
Here are mine

#3....Rough skin.....always hated my skin, wanted it to be softer forever(again magic pills🤗)
#2...The Clothes......so sick of pants...I love the freedom of a skirt, everyday(sadly I don’t get it)
#1....Facial Hair...I hate shaving(weirdly I don’t mind my legs..lol).Shaving my face is just hell

What is your top 3?

One more thing if your depressed today, feeling down....Be good to yourself....You are a amazing person. There is always a better day ahead.

[KateR]

Being AMAB...

#3 - Body Odor
#2 - Oily skin & Hair
#1 - The anger, edginess, mad at the world feeling I always had.

Thank You magic pills & Patches
Kate


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