So far I am a young boy fascinated with girls clothes into girls parts(boobs) then into the fascinating world of guys actually changing into girls. Still I’m just a mess. Hope the last entry wasn’t too uncomfortable to read. Now a few memories about make up and my mom.
For a long time I hated to admit that I was a voyeur at a young age. Another one of those things that made me hate myself. I used to watch my mom dress up until about 9 or so( I’m sure Mom understood it’s about time to have me somewhere else) I thought to myself for a bit I was watching my mom sexually as a kid, how gross.....I’m a terrible person.(what’s was wrong with me)
When I really let myself remember those times. They weren’t sexual at all. I actually wasn’t fascinated with her breasts like a porno, but her form. I found her beautiful. I felt jealous. She wore these undergarments. Her body was soft. Her hair was styled. And her make up was so cool. To this day I believe it takes a part artist to do make up right. Seriously I still suck at it.
God, thinking about it, I never wanted to grow up to be like my a Dad...(who I love so dearly, fantastic person) I actually wanted to grow up and be like my Mom.
Wow...that just stopped me cold for a minute. Breakthrough time here.
Ok.to continue...My first time putting it on was during those alone times after school (cross dressing in Elementary school, how did I deny who I am for so long). I tried again in Middle and High school but was so bad at it, I moved on. Plus I was so paranoid I would leave some on and get caught.
I did however use clearasil with a little blemish hiding brown in it for years. ( it was make up, to hide zits) My 2 regrets. I never got good at make up years ago and I still can’t walk in heels(just hurts)
The best my make up ever looked was when one of my best friends ( a girl, who really was more like a sister) helped me go Trick or Treating as a girl one year. It was supposed to be funny, ironic.
Something goofy to do for a laugh.... I didn’t actually look bad enough to have it be funny. Honestly it was probably uncomfortable for some to see me that way. I didn’t look half bad. I wore a skirt, dark pantyhose, blouse with stuffed bra. My hair was long blond so that was an easy fix. And I was accepted in public that way. When the night was over I was taking off the clothes. Basically had my shirt and bra off....I very Awkwardly started crying. My friend came in the room, said what’s up?....and I hugged her and thanked her for just being my friend. I’m not sure she ever knew what the hell just happened. We never spoke of it ever again. I didn’t put on make up myself again for years.
College was next. Time to kill this sickness inside I can’t shake.... I could go there sleep with tons of women, get drunk and party. Finally get rid of these feelings once and for all. ( Stephee smiling in the background saying, “ not gonna happen, hot shot, I’m still here”) Ill continue into College next.
If anyone is still reading this ridiculousness Thank you. It is helping me work through a lot of memory. If it gets confusing let me know( lord knows I was confused) All your support is awesome.