Author Topic: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know  (Read 20454 times)

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Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #860 on: April 13, 2020, 06:28:19 am »
Nicole, yes it is a Skype conspiracy. Skype hates me. Of course, I don't blame it, I never call or write. I was sad not to see you. Well, like  Jackie Gleason used to say, "One of these days, Alice, one of these days!" We'll hook up. I just had to comment after the brave stamp hunter did.  Jeez! Where's that bus? Anyway, you are showing great strength with moving forward. I'm not saying moving on, that will take time, but you are taking positive steps that I know must be hard. You have my admiration and best wishes.

Moni, if I can buy a web cam I will get a paid Zoom account for a couple of months as I host other Zoom meetings while we are in lockdown, and it looks like I might be able to claim it as a tax expense. Then we can have unlimited online chats!

Allie

Online KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #861 on: April 13, 2020, 06:46:16 pm »
Nicole, yes it is a Skype conspiracy. Skype hates me. Of course, I don't blame it, I never call or write. I was sad not to see you. Well, like  Jackie Gleason used to say, "One of these days, Alice, one of these days!" We'll hook up. I just had to comment after the brave stamp hunter did.  Jeez! Where's that bus? Anyway, you are showing great strength with moving forward. I'm not saying moving on, that will take time, but you are taking positive steps that I know must be hard. You have my admiration and best wishes.

Ssshhhh  nobody tell Moni - I have an insider at Skype that did that.  ;D 
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #862 on: April 13, 2020, 08:26:48 pm »
I think the new avatar is great.  It's you but I like the feminine vibe going on.  I like your first two pics but not the last one.  Get that sad look off your face.   :)   I know you are sad but no need to post a sad pic.
Not sayin, just sayin.  :D

But you look good, I am glad you did something fun instead of staring at the wall.  Applause !!

I will mail you that stuff this week.  Risked my life for you to buy stamps.  ;D :D ;D

Talk soon.

Kim.......Lol....Im happy to hear you made it back without turning into a zombie.....Thank you, I appreciate it.
And really Inlook good there?....huge compliment...I’m still a long way from confidence, but it did feel good.
Crazy thing is , real life and work happened again today and I noticed I’m feeling very different lately. I’ll post about that in a bit.

Hugs
Nicole

All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #863 on: April 13, 2020, 08:33:32 pm »
Nicole, yes it is a Skype conspiracy. Skype hates me. Of course, I don't blame it, I never call or write. I was sad not to see you. Well, like  Jackie Gleason used to say, "One of these days, Alice, one of these days!" We'll hook up. I just had to comment after the brave stamp hunter did.  Jeez! Where's that bus? Anyway, you are showing great strength with moving forward. I'm not saying moving on, that will take time, but you are taking positive steps that I know must be hard. You have my admiration and best wishes.

Moni...skype is a crazy thing. Sometimes it works sometimes it’s like too many people fading in and out, some are there then there not, then it’s good again. We go from 5 on screen to 3 and back. Some can’t get on it.

It’s like running air traffic control ......lol. Hopefully Allie will get this straight and we can hook it up.
Either way I do look forward to it. Part of those positive steps are joining those groups. It helps my loniness and my Dysphoria so..... good stuff

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #864 on: April 13, 2020, 10:39:37 pm »
Everyday a new thought,,,a new life that keeps changing. It’s a crazy thing living one step away from losing my mind. Good news is....I’m still going. I’m still here. And something different happened today.

You see for years I have been living as a man with a secret. It got to the point I could no longer deny I felt different. Uncomfortable in my own skin, like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot. Having your pants on backwards.
Tough living your whole life feeling like something was missing.

So I then started to act on it. I would dress at home in parts. I could act like a female. Only I didn’t act I just let my guard down and .....well.....I just acted myself. I became a guy all day then a partial woman at home. Something changed. It felt right. As I began counseling, talking about it more openly with my family It became a huge part of me. Now I was 2 people, the one inside and the one outside. I’m 2 people all the time.

That’s when it happened ( no not the wife thing, that’s a hell I struggle with in my heart) a It’s about my spirit,
I dressed yesturday, full on, with make up, just spent the day relaxing as me. Being me. Because....well that’s the real me. I was just so comfortable. When I returned to work today, ....I realized .... I’m a woman playing the part of a man still, but ..... I’m trying really hard to play that role now. Doing my day seemed more uncomfortable than ever. I was so yearning to just get back to being me.  Playing that role now is actually exhausting. I think I’m reaching a tipping point soon.

Long story short I have found me, I need to find a place in this world for me, but Nicole has fully taken over. These next 6 months are going to be crazy. I’m mean sure it’s a new life to live but hello after my wife died, I have no life left. Being my truth will be the key to going on in life.  Enough rambling for now.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #865 on: April 14, 2020, 02:02:12 am »
Nicole, we found you ages ago! I could not imagine you as anything else but the woman who captured my feelings, and I've seen you pretending to be a man. You are an amazing person, and will be that amazing woman you have just found!    I'm so glad you spent the day as yourself and looked into the future!

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #866 on: April 14, 2020, 05:15:47 am »
OK, I upgraded my Zoom account to Pro so I can include those without Skype, stand by for instructions!!!

Hugs,

Allie

Online KimOct

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #867 on: April 14, 2020, 04:41:25 pm »
Nicole the more I read from you the more I can see your insight into this journey evolving.  IMO there really isn't an end point.  There are still things that I need to work on everyday but I am miles ahead of where I started.  I can see you heading in the same direction.  It's challenging to transform not just physically but how you see yourself and your place in this world.  Unlearning a lifetime of B.S. does not happen overnight but I like the way you are thinking.

As for your terrible loss that is a separate battle that will take time to improve but regarding living as who you are - YOU GOT THIS.  :)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #868 on: April 14, 2020, 05:18:15 pm »
Nicole I absolutely agree with Kim, Moni and Allie, one step at a time.  You will see progress and you will smile again!

I love your new photo and I think your eyes are amazing!  You are going to be OK so please don't be hard on yourself.

Quoting Kim:  "YOU GOT THIS." 
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #869 on: April 16, 2020, 09:29:58 pm »
Nicole I absolutely agree with Kim, Moni and Allie, one step at a time.  You will see progress and you will smile again!

I love your new photo and I think your eyes are amazing!  You are going to be OK so please don't be hard on yourself.

Quoting Kim:  "YOU GOT THIS."

I’m going to have to respond to all of you but....EMMA....seriously you think my eyes look good?....that’s such a compliment to me. I don’t see me looking good. I see a Nicole coming through no but that’s it, so......You saying that means so much. Thank you..I’m blushing...lol

Hugs
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #870 on: April 16, 2020, 09:35:31 pm »
OK, I upgraded my Zoom account to Pro so I can include those without Skype, stand by for instructions!!!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie...exciting about Zoom..I’ve been working so much this week I haven't even checked my thread. I look forward to online Zoooooming soon...lol

Thank you for saying that. This is a long road to becoming me. I used to say becoming a woman, but I am a woman already....she’s just inside, my outside needs to fall away to find her. It’s very exciting to see a glimpse .
I’m going to do it again on Saturday I think. Just no work, whole day as me. Can’t wait to just be me all the time.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #871 on: April 16, 2020, 09:52:28 pm »
Nicole the more I read from you the more I can see your insight into this journey evolving.  IMO there really isn't an end point.  There are still things that I need to work on everyday but I am miles ahead of where I started.  I can see you heading in the same direction.  It's challenging to transform not just physically but how you see yourself and your place in this world.  Unlearning a lifetime of B.S. does not happen overnight but I like the way you are thinking.

As for your terrible loss that is a separate battle that will take time to improve but regarding living as who you are - YOU GOT THIS.  :)

Kim...final response...then I’m caught up....A lot to digest in that post. So appreciate the comments. It really is evolving each day that lets you see the person you are. I’ll tell you it’s very hard to work 12 to 14 hours a day the last 3 days and then only getting a few hours as myself afterwards. Now this doesn’t happen year round but still the act is more of an act than ever before.

I do think I’m starting to overcome myself some. I find that I am editing how I think now. For the first time I’m not yearning to become a woman Im learning that I am a woman already, I’m just learning how to present myself to the world as one. First step is believing it myself.

Battles in your mind are the hard part I’m just glad I can now see Nicole coming through ...that’s a great feeling to have. Gonna have to do it again this weekend. That means I’ll be pushing more pictures on everyone...lol.
Oh well.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #872 on: June 02, 2020, 01:28:56 am »
Well it’s been a while...... Things have been a little bit crazy in my life. My wife died in my arms on March 17th. It was a battle for weeks just to function. But one of the things that give me closure was my promise to her to live my truth. I’m happy to say I’m on my way. I’m not only going on HRT now for 3 full months, I had my first actual outing as Nicole in public. I spent the entire weekend at my daughters going shopping, going to eat, going to my stylist....just being Nicole. Not only did it go well, I was actually passing. There was no pitchforks nobody called me out. And it was the most comfortable feeling I have had maybe in my life, outside of the times I spent with my wife in my arms.

Sometimes you just know it’s right..... And I am positive this is right. Any doubts that I might’ve had before are gone I know my path I just have to find my way to getting there full-time. In fact now that I have the freedom to do so....I come home every single night and on the weekends when I’m not working, and I am myself now. More than that Im smiling for the first time since my wife passed. Do you want proof.... Here you go, an actual smile.



See it can be done.....Lol.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline davina61

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #873 on: June 02, 2020, 02:47:00 am »
You look ready to go full time to me , best thing I ever did just being my true self . Its great your daughters with you , nothing like a girly day out to bring you closer.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Emma1017

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #874 on: June 02, 2020, 07:57:58 am »
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nicole you look great and that smile.......................AMAZING!!!

So glad that you are better than OK and so happy to hear how your life finally has found joy!  Shopping with your daughter...how cool!


Massive hug,

Emma
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #875 on: June 02, 2020, 08:19:48 am »
Well it’s been a while...... Things have been a little bit crazy in my life. My wife died in my arms on March 17th. It was a battle for weeks just to function. But one of the things that give me closure was my promise to her to live my truth. I’m happy to say I’m on my way. I’m not only going on HRT now for 3 full months, I had my first actual outing as Nicole in public. I spent the entire weekend at my daughters going shopping, going to eat, going to my stylist....just being Nicole. Not only did it go well, I was actually passing. There was no pitchforks nobody called me out. And it was the most comfortable feeling I have had maybe in my life, outside of the times I spent with my wife in my arms.

Sometimes you just know it’s right..... And I am positive this is right. Any doubts that I might’ve had before are gone I know my path I just have to find my way to getting there full-time. In fact now that I have the freedom to do so....I come home every single night and on the weekends when I’m not working, and I am myself now. More than that Im smiling for the first time since my wife passed. Do you want proof.... Here you go, an actual smile.



See it can be done.....Lol.

Hugs
Nicole

Whoa, Nicole! I haven't seen you for a while and you're looking great!

Offline RandyL

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #876 on: June 02, 2020, 10:38:25 am »
Very good, Nicole. You do look great and the smile is the best I've ever seen on you. All the best to you.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #877 on: June 02, 2020, 12:52:30 pm »
Thank you everyone.....great to see you Davina, Emma, O and C, Randi....I just feel different. This can still be very hard getting over what happened, and I still have anxiety to how to get there but I know where I’m heading.
I need to go back and see my old checklist...hmmm...

I hope all of you are doing well....Good to stay positive with all that goes on in this world.

Hugs Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: The Stepheewt Pod Cast, my story, my thoughts, now you know
« Reply #878 on: June 17, 2020, 02:01:01 pm »
Hello Nicole! Just dropping by to say hello. It is great to see you smiling again, the first half of this year has been hard on many of us. Congrats on your first outing as yourself! I was anxious on my first outing, but like yours, no pitchforks ever came into view. Unless something looks way out of line, most people really don't pay much attention. Keep moving forward young lady, one step at a time.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose