Topic: Girlfriend of trans guy in need of someone to talk to

[Starburst]

Hi, I'm not really sure how these things work but I sort of need some help

I just need someone to talk to who can give unbiased opinions and advice!

I am a cis girl in a relationship with a trans guy, we have been in a relationship for about 2 and a half years and I love him with all of my heart. However, throughout the relationship I have really had times where I could really benefit from talking to someone about how I feel about certain things, but he won't let me talk to any of my friends or family as he is uncomfortable with me talking about anything trans-related. I obviously understand and would never unload onto someone who he was uncomfortable with knowing about our situation, it's just extremely hard at times as the situation we are in is taking a toll on our relationship.
I don't want to go into too much detail here, but if someone is willing to just being someone to talk to and give their honest thoughts on my own thoughts I would be eternally grateful!

I'm sorry for the random post, I don't even know if this is the right place to post it, but I can't find anywhere online for partners of trans people who need support too

Idk if there's a way I could privately message someone, but if anyone is willing to talk then please let me know somehow! Whether it be through replying to this post or commenting (again I have no idea how this works!) I would be forever thankful

Hope you're all having a lovely day or night x

[Northern Star Girl]

@Starburst
Dear Starburst:
    Please know that I am not ignoring or trying to sidetrack your posting and question, but FIRST THINGS FIRST, you need to be Officially Welcomed and given important rules and information about the Susan's Place Forums.
    I am happy to see that you have come to the Susan's Place Forums and that you signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting . 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
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[Northern Star Girl]

@Starburst
OH, and another thing Starburst:
Please plan to write a post and briefly introduce yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will you let you have your thread back so that the exchange of conversation can continue.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

[Ryuichi13]

Even though I'm a transman, I have no problems talking to you.  What is it that is bothering you?

And to be honest, it sounds like you should look for a local support group for the partners of transgender people.  You need to talk to someone, and its not very fair that you are "not allowed" to have anyone to talk to.  Try your local LGBT+ center, maybe they know of a local spouses/partners/allies of transgender people group where you can find support.

Good luck.

Ryuichi

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

[Jessica]

Hi Starburst, Susan’s Place is a resource for everyone that has questions about being transgender.  Answers are given freely based on personal experiences, documented truths and a lot of trying to figure it out.  I’m confident that you can and will find answers that will at least point you in the right direction.
We are here for you.  The support from significant others is critical to us, as much as ours is for them.

I moved this thread to a better forum that is for thoughts and comments of Significant Others and for those that can help them.

I see that our lovely Northern Star*Girl @Alaskan Danielle has greeted you with her charm and grace.  She also provided some very helpful links to information that will help you have the best experience here.
Please give them a look see.

Hugs, Jessica 🌸🌸🌸

[Starburst]

Hello Ryuichi, thank you so much for responding!

Unfortunately there are no local support groups in my area, the closest LGBTQ+ group is around an hour away and I don't think it's for partners of the community

My boyfriend and I have had a few issues over the course of our relationship and they're mainly to do with his lack of sexual attraction towards me - he says that he finds me very attractive and even says that I am perfect but there are times where he will go through weeks or even months of not wanting to even kiss me let alone anything else. I understand that he has many issues with his own self, and it has an impact on his emotions and feelings. However I can't help but feel unwanted, sad and lonely. I love him so much and it's hard to be turned down the majority of the time. Is there something I can do? I am a very patient and empathetic person which is why I feel so guilty for getting upset - I feel selfish as I know that his own issues with his self are greater than the issues of our intimacy, yet I can't help but feel unattractive and alone.

Once again, thank you for responding - it means a lot!


 

[Lexxi]

Hi Star,

Irregardless of what I said before about being terrible at relationships, I actually have experience with your last post. My ex-wife had many of the same complaints as you. She said I made her feel unattractive too because I wouldn't instigate any sexual advances toward her.

Now you may be completely different from her, and I pray that you are, but the reason I couldn't bring myself to make and sexual advances toward her was because she abused me. I'm talking about actually beating me from time to time, and verbally and mentally abusing me nearly all the time. After years of that I literally could not stand to even look at her.

So if you're not abusing him, his problem might be that his attractions are changing along with his transition. I have to tell you a story to explain what I mean. I've always been a straight male. I never even had any thoughts about having sex with a man. I was full on heterosexual.

But since I've decided to go ahead with my transition to full female, I've found my sexual attractions changing a little bit. I'm still attracted to women and assumed that once I'm post-op I would be a lesbian. But recently I've had two dreams that I was having sex with a man...but here's the kicker...I was a post-op woman in both dreams. So if those dreams ever becomes a reality, then I would still be having heterosexual sex in my mind. So now I'm assuming that I'll be bi.

I'm going to assume that your boyfriend used to consider himself a lesbian before she started her transition. (When talking about someone pre and post transition it's hard to get the pronouns correct, so forgive me if I make an error. I think you'll know what I mean though).

So is it possible that your bf always considered himself homosexual, and now that he's transitioned into his male self, he might be attracted to men now? You seem to have a good relationship where you can communicate openly, so have you asked him if he's attracted to men yet? That might be what's going on. Maybe his sexual attractions have changed just like mine have.

With all that said, I'm positive that your bf is right and that you're still the knock out that you've always been!! So I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Also I think your bf is right and that you're perfect...as least you sound perfect in my book. It's hard to be sympathetic and empathetic towards someone else all the time, but you sound like you are where your bf is concerned.

Hope this helps,

xoxo
Lexxi

 

[Starburst]

Hi Lexxi, thank you for your suggestion!

I honestly don't think he is attracted to men, he began transitioning before I even knew him so I don't think be would have started dating me if that was the case. We are (I would like to think) very open in our relationship and we have had the conversation in the past that if we were ever attracted to anyone else that we would not hide it as it would make it worse, but I'm very sure he's straight and have no doubts to that.
In a way, if he was gay it would be a bit easier to understand why he's not very interested in me, and I would be able to accept that I'm just not the gender that he's attracted to!

The thing that's making it confusing is that he says I am doing everything right - as I said I am patient and understanding, but I also never do anything he isn't comfortable with and always ask him if he's ok with something before staring anything. He occasionally has days where he will suddenly be attracted to me but throughout our relationship these days have been very spread out. Then he will go back to not wanting to even kiss me. It is really knocking my self confidence as it's so confusing being wanted one day and rejected for the next week - I never know when the next day will be that he will want to be intimate, days, weeks or months.

Aside from that, I would never in a million years dream of hurting him, either emotionally or physically - I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you and I hope you're doing better now.


Thanks again,
Star x

[Lexxi]

Hi Star,

Yes I'm doing fine now. I actually started doing better the minute I moved away from her. I mean I never shed a tear over our divorce and we had been married for 11 years. Getting divorced actually felt good! 

About the rest of the stuff you wrote I can only say hmmm...it has me confused.
I don't know what could be going on with him. I don't think you said but is he on testosterone? With my situation (biologically male) I can tell you that testosterone kind of deadens a lot of feelings. Most men just don't have the same capabilities to really feel emotions like women do. I think testosterone is poison in my opinion, but I'm kinda biased on that point, because I want it gone from my system. 

Have you thought about maybe going to couples counseling? I used to be one of those neanderthal people who thought counseling didn't work, but I can tell you right up front I'm not that way any more. It really works wonders!!

Plus there's the added benefit that it might be easier for your bf to open up to a stranger knowing they won't judge him. Not that you would ever judge him, but he might be afraid of hurting you if he opens up about what's wrong when it's just the two of you talking alone. I'm assuming here that you've asked him how he feels, and he hasn't told you, or maybe he's just said nothing's wrong.

Going to a therapist would also give you someone to talk to, considering he doesn't want you talking to anyone else. Because to be fair your feelings are very important here too. I hope he realizes just how special you are, because a lot of people would have flown the coop by now. 

Hope this helps,

xoxo
Lexxi

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Lexxi, thank you for your suggestion!

I honestly don't think he is attracted to men, he began transitioning before I even knew him so I don't think be would have started dating me if that was the case. We are (I would like to think) very open in our relationship and we have had the conversation in the past that if we were ever attracted to anyone else that we would not hide it as it would make it worse, but I'm very sure he's straight and have no doubts to that.
In a way, if he was gay it would be a bit easier to understand why he's not very interested in me, and I would be able to accept that I'm just not the gender that he's attracted to!

The thing that's making it confusing is that he says I am doing everything right - as I said I am patient and understanding, but I also never do anything he isn't comfortable with and always ask him if he's ok with something before staring anything. He occasionally has days where he will suddenly be attracted to me but throughout our relationship these days have been very spread out. Then he will go back to not wanting to even kiss me. It is really knocking my self confidence as it's so confusing being wanted one day and rejected for the next week - I never know when the next day will be that he will want to be intimate, days, weeks or months.

Aside from that, I would never in a million years dream of hurting him, either emotionally or physically - I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you and I hope you're doing better now.


Thanks again,
Star x

It sounds like he has insecurities about himself? Like the way he looks? Or maybe having sex is dysphoria inducing for him? It happens to certain people. I think you guys need a therapist.

And I just want to let you know that the fact that you have needs is not a bad thing. You should not feel guilty for wanting intimacy with your partner.

[krobinson103]

It can be hard to enjoy intimacy when you aren't comfortable in your own body. I need intimacy almost daily so I'm lucky to have a partner who needs the same. You could try and talk to him and discuss the issue. I'm sure he will be willing to tell you why. Some people are just fairly asexual. My ex wife was, and it was a contributing factor to us going our separate ways.

Communication is the key!

[mid-life wife]

Starburst, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this pain.  I've struggled for years with lack of sexual intimacy in my marriage, and I know it's possible but painful to endure it.  I'm in the early stages of having my husband open up to me about his gender dysphoria and become interested in sex again.  The nutshell version of my story is that I'm a cisgender woman married for over 20 years to a man who struggled his whole life with gender dysphoria, but when he saw therapists about it in the 1980's, he was told he was gay and wasn't confronting it.  He didn't feel able to admit the dysphoria until recently and is still in early days of exploring his identity.

Some very kind members here responded to my posts recently, and it might help you to read some of their posts (their responses are in my introduction in the Introduction forum, as well as a post in the Significant Others forum.)  Could it be that he hasn't worked through issues of trust and intimacy?  Sex can be incredibly emotional, and perhaps he still feels afraid to make himself vulnerable in that way?  Several people mentioned horribly hurtful experiences in their childhood, and it could be your boyfriend experienced situations that prevented him from trusting people.

I agree with others who've posted here, that both of you should find people to talk to.  My husband is seeing a therapist every week and, though I don't see anyone, I try to talk to him a lot about it -- asking about his thoughts/feelings, doing reading on TG issues and telling him a bit about my feelings.  We're making an effort to spend time together, doing things that allow us to either be quiet or talk (walks, making dinner, or playing some board games for instance.) It's been beneficial for both of us -- I think we're getting a lot closer.  And I feel as though the effort I'm making is demonstrating my caring, not just saying it.

I understand not having anyone to talk to; we're in a small city, in an overwhelmingly rural area.  There are really long waiting lists for people to get in to see a therapist (my husband waited about 12 months.) Perhaps you'd consider online therapists?  I've heard good things about that being a useful for people.  I noticed a few by just plugging in the following into a web search: online counseling or therapists

I'm still learning, but could it be that your boyfriend is asexual?  Here's a site for discussion for asexual or pansexual people: https://www.asexuality.org/en/

Please know you're not alone and there are people around to help.
Mid-Life Wife

[Ryuichi13]

Sorry for the late response. 

I have to admit, I was similar towards my partner when I first decided to transition.  But honestly, it was all me. 

I was hetero before transitioning and I'm now a gay FTM, but my partner is a FTM/female-bodied non-binary, which is something that I had to get used to.  I've never found the female body attractive, and I had to move past that in order to be able to be intimate in any way towards him.  He thought it was that I wasn't attractive to him (he has self-esteem issues about his looks), and for a while, that might have been true.  The female form simply wasn't something I initially was attractive to.  But because its his body, I was able to get past that.  It took me a number of months to be able to move past that.  Now, my partners female form is the only female one that I truly find sexually attractive. 

I haven't read the entire thread, so I have no idea if you have resolved your situation or not.  Hopefully, the two of you have sat down and had at least one heart-to-heart about your situation.  "Not feeling attractive to your lover sucks," as my partner explained to me during one of our own heart-to-heart talks (well after I figured out what was going on in my head.  )

Maybe he's trying to figure himself out.  But, its not fair that "he has forbidden you from talking to anyone."  When one person transitions, everyone around them transitions also.  You have the right to know what's going on in your own head and heart! 

If you can get to counselling at a LGBT+ center, I say do so, even if its a hour drive.  If not, then there are places online where you can talk, like here, for instance.  Ask any question you need to, hopefully someone will be able to help. 

Your boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to have you.

Ryuichi

[Allie Jayne]

Starburst, your boyfriend needs to talk to a Gender Specialised Psychologist to help her find her identity and path. A general counsellor will not have the experience or knowledge to assess her problems, she needs a specialist!

From my own experience, I always knew I was trans, but was denied the opportunity to do anything about it. I decided to throw myself at being a man, but I was never comfortable about sex with women. I was with my second wife and in my late 30's before I'd had enjoyable hetero sex, mostly due to the enthusiasm of my wife. I was successful for 10 years before my Testosterone began dropping, and by my early 50's I was unable to perform. To her credit, my wife has stayed with me, and she knew I was trans since before we married. I am presently asexual, but I believe that if I am lucky enough one day, to see myself as a woman, I will desire men.

So it's not simple, it never is. What your boyfriend is now, and what she may be in the future is unknown, but a specialised psychologist will know what to look for to make an educated guess. Once you know, you will have to look into yourself to find your own path. If you have no children yet, this can make decisions easier.

My wife and I are still together because we were best friends before we got married, and remain best friends today. I have told her that I wouldn't be surprised if she sought sexual relief from a man, but she has (to my knowledge) never done that. I know she masturbates frequently, and she is 10 years younger than me. So we found an existence that works. You need to discover where you are and look for the best options for both of you.

I wish you both happiness on this journey.

Allie

[JanePlain]

Hi Lexxi, thank you for your suggestion!

I honestly don't think he is attracted to men, he began transitioning before I even knew him so I don't think be would have started dating me if that was the case. We are (I would like to think) very open in our relationship and we have had the conversation in the past that if we were ever attracted to anyone else that we would not hide it as it would make it worse, but I'm very sure he's straight and have no doubts to that.
In a way, if he was gay it would be a bit easier to understand why he's not very interested in me, and I would be able to accept that I'm just not the gender that he's attracted to!

The thing that's making it confusing is that he says I am doing everything right - as I said I am patient and understanding, but I also never do anything he isn't comfortable with and always ask him if he's ok with something before staring anything. He occasionally has days where he will suddenly be attracted to me but throughout our relationship these days have been very spread out. Then he will go back to not wanting to even kiss me. It is really knocking my self confidence as it's so confusing being wanted one day and rejected for the next week - I never know when the next day will be that he will want to be intimate, days, weeks or months.

Aside from that, I would never in a million years dream of hurting him, either emotionally or physically - I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you and I hope you're doing better now.


Thanks again,
Star x

Just a couple thoughts.  If this transition is at the stage where HRT is involved It think that a lot of folks work so hard at increasing estrogen that they think testosterone is the enemy and try to eliminate it.  Women without normal testosterone levels have ibido problems and believe it or not men with abnormally low estrogen levels have the same lack of sex drive.  So one thing to maybe look into is this level.  If the doctor can adjust things to where everything is normal and you still have problems here are a couple other thoughts.  One is that some TS people have a serious issue using genitals that they would wish were gone or the correct ones.  So how to perform sexually can simply be an issue of finding ways to please each other in some more creative ways.  I'll try not to turn this into anything too graphic but if your SO is m2f perhapes you can avoid intercourse.  Or at least not intercourse with the penis involved.  *Which might not work even if your significant other is ok with it.  Maybe try to imagine getting intimate with another woman.  Think of how could that be done.  Personally strapon sex works.  A Vibrator between you or oral sex and so forth.  Well thats too much TMI from me today. And this is just my 2 cents worth.

[SheShe]

Good Luck