Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

Girlfriend of trans guy in need of someone to talk to

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Starburst:
Hello Ryuichi, thank you so much for responding!

Unfortunately there are no local support groups in my area, the closest LGBTQ+ group is around an hour away and I don't think it's for partners of the community

My boyfriend and I have had a few issues over the course of our relationship and they're mainly to do with his lack of sexual attraction towards me - he says that he finds me very attractive and even says that I am perfect but there are times where he will go through weeks or even months of not wanting to even kiss me let alone anything else. I understand that he has many issues with his own self, and it has an impact on his emotions and feelings. However I can't help but feel unwanted, sad and lonely. I love him so much and it's hard to be turned down the majority of the time. Is there something I can do? I am a very patient and empathetic person which is why I feel so guilty for getting upset - I feel selfish as I know that his own issues with his self are greater than the issues of our intimacy, yet I can't help but feel unattractive and alone.

Once again, thank you for responding - it means a lot! :)


 

Lexxi:
Hi Star,

Irregardless of what I said before about being terrible at relationships, I actually have experience with your last post. My ex-wife had many of the same complaints as you. She said I made her feel unattractive too because I wouldn't instigate any sexual advances toward her.

Now you may be completely different from her, and I pray that you are, but the reason I couldn't bring myself to make and sexual advances toward her was because she abused me. I'm talking about actually beating me from time to time, and verbally and mentally abusing me nearly all the time. After years of that I literally could not stand to even look at her.

So if you're not abusing him, his problem might be that his attractions are changing along with his transition. I have to tell you a story to explain what I mean. I've always been a straight male. I never even had any thoughts about having sex with a man. I was full on heterosexual.

But since I've decided to go ahead with my transition to full female, I've found my sexual attractions changing a little bit. I'm still attracted to women and assumed that once I'm post-op I would be a lesbian. But recently I've had two dreams that I was having sex with a man...but here's the kicker...I was a post-op woman in both dreams. So if those dreams ever becomes a reality, then I would still be having heterosexual sex in my mind. So now I'm assuming that I'll be bi.

I'm going to assume that your boyfriend used to consider himself a lesbian before she started her transition. (When talking about someone pre and post transition it's hard to get the pronouns correct, so forgive me if I make an error. I think you'll know what I mean though).

So is it possible that your bf always considered himself homosexual, and now that he's transitioned into his male self, he might be attracted to men now? You seem to have a good relationship where you can communicate openly, so have you asked him if he's attracted to men yet? That might be what's going on. Maybe his sexual attractions have changed just like mine have.

With all that said, I'm positive that your bf is right and that you're still the knock out that you've always been!! So I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Also I think your bf is right and that you're perfect...as least you sound perfect in my book. It's hard to be sympathetic and empathetic towards someone else all the time, but you sound like you are where your bf is concerned.

Hope this helps,

xoxo
Lexxi

 

Starburst:
Hi Lexxi, thank you for your suggestion!

I honestly don't think he is attracted to men, he began transitioning before I even knew him so I don't think be would have started dating me if that was the case. We are (I would like to think) very open in our relationship and we have had the conversation in the past that if we were ever attracted to anyone else that we would not hide it as it would make it worse, but I'm very sure he's straight and have no doubts to that.
In a way, if he was gay it would be a bit easier to understand why he's not very interested in me, and I would be able to accept that I'm just not the gender that he's attracted to!

The thing that's making it confusing is that he says I am doing everything right - as I said I am patient and understanding, but I also never do anything he isn't comfortable with and always ask him if he's ok with something before staring anything. He occasionally has days where he will suddenly be attracted to me but throughout our relationship these days have been very spread out. Then he will go back to not wanting to even kiss me. It is really knocking my self confidence as it's so confusing being wanted one day and rejected for the next week - I never know when the next day will be that he will want to be intimate, days, weeks or months.

Aside from that, I would never in a million years dream of hurting him, either emotionally or physically - I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you and I hope you're doing better now.


Thanks again,
Star x

Lexxi:
Hi Star,

Yes I'm doing fine now. I actually started doing better the minute I moved away from her. I mean I never shed a tear over our divorce and we had been married for 11 years. Getting divorced actually felt good!  ;D

About the rest of the stuff you wrote I can only say hmmm...it has me confused.
I don't know what could be going on with him. I don't think you said but is he on testosterone? With my situation (biologically male) I can tell you that testosterone kind of deadens a lot of feelings. Most men just don't have the same capabilities to really feel emotions like women do. I think testosterone is poison in my opinion, but I'm kinda biased on that point, because I want it gone from my system.  ;D ;D ;D

Have you thought about maybe going to couples counseling? I used to be one of those neanderthal people who thought counseling didn't work, but I can tell you right up front I'm not that way any more. It really works wonders!!

Plus there's the added benefit that it might be easier for your bf to open up to a stranger knowing they won't judge him. Not that you would ever judge him, but he might be afraid of hurting you if he opens up about what's wrong when it's just the two of you talking alone. I'm assuming here that you've asked him how he feels, and he hasn't told you, or maybe he's just said nothing's wrong.

Going to a therapist would also give you someone to talk to, considering he doesn't want you talking to anyone else. Because to be fair your feelings are very important here too. I hope he realizes just how special you are, because a lot of people would have flown the coop by now.  ;)

Hope this helps,

xoxo
Lexxi

Charlie Nicki:

--- Quote from: Starburst on June 20, 2019, 03:23:39 am ---Hi Lexxi, thank you for your suggestion!

I honestly don't think he is attracted to men, he began transitioning before I even knew him so I don't think be would have started dating me if that was the case. We are (I would like to think) very open in our relationship and we have had the conversation in the past that if we were ever attracted to anyone else that we would not hide it as it would make it worse, but I'm very sure he's straight and have no doubts to that.
In a way, if he was gay it would be a bit easier to understand why he's not very interested in me, and I would be able to accept that I'm just not the gender that he's attracted to!

The thing that's making it confusing is that he says I am doing everything right - as I said I am patient and understanding, but I also never do anything he isn't comfortable with and always ask him if he's ok with something before staring anything. He occasionally has days where he will suddenly be attracted to me but throughout our relationship these days have been very spread out. Then he will go back to not wanting to even kiss me. It is really knocking my self confidence as it's so confusing being wanted one day and rejected for the next week - I never know when the next day will be that he will want to be intimate, days, weeks or months.

Aside from that, I would never in a million years dream of hurting him, either emotionally or physically - I am very sorry to hear about what has happened to you and I hope you're doing better now.


Thanks again,
Star x


--- End quote ---

It sounds like he has insecurities about himself? Like the way he looks? Or maybe having sex is dysphoria inducing for him? It happens to certain people. I think you guys need a therapist.

And I just want to let you know that the fact that you have needs is not a bad thing. You should not feel guilty for wanting intimacy with your partner.

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