Author Topic: Allie's slightly different journey!  (Read 14316 times)

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Offline Allie Jayne

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Allie's slightly different journey!
« on: June 21, 2019, 05:59:35 am »
So, I've been watching posts on this Forum for a while and I noticed that there are lots of different journeys, but most have similar themes. Those late transitioners seem to have bottled up their Dysphoria until the pressure became too great and the cork was released. From there it is a rush to achieve desired gender and not waste any more time in the wrong body. Significant unhappiness becomes joy, even if not all the loved ones embrace the new person.

My journey as been a bit different. I have known since my earliest memory that I was in the wrong body. I had a tough upbringing in a dysfunctional family in the '50's and '60's. Dad was an angry alcoholic who made my childhood a misery, and Mum worked night shift, from 4 to midnight, so for the most part, I raised myself. My 3 brothers had no interest in housework, and Mum recognised I was the sensitive one, so I became her assistant. I learned to cook, sew and clean, but there were no other concessions to female life.

Mum also suffered with rheumatoid arthritis which had disfigured her hands and feet, with all her fingers and toes growing sideways, and over each other. She was a fastidious cleaner, and I was recruited to polish the copper pipes to the toilet. One of my favourite times with my Mum was Sunday nights when I would do all the ironing and we would compare our thoughts. She knew who I truly was, but feared I would be in danger if I revealed myself. I sobbed into her shoulder when I started the nightmare of puberty. I still do my ironing Sunday night and think of Mum.

I almost achieved my current height by age 15, and unusual physical strength. It was the end of being bullied by my brothers as they laid at my feet. I felt being female had become impossible for me now, so I threw myself into being male. Cars were the hot thing for teenagers in my area, so I helped my older brother prepare an old derelict car in our yard for speedway on the understanding I would get to drive it. He crashed it in his first race, so I fixed it and fronted up for my first race. I was only 15 and the minimum age was 17, so I lied. I was big enough to be believed. Problem was, that I had never driven a car before, so I learned among 20 other cars going as fast as they could. I got the car home with little damage, and I was convinced I could do this boy thing.

A neighbour girl thought I was pretty hot, good looking and a race car driver. She took my hand and tried to get intimate with me and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that this was wrong. We were both girls. This messed me up for a couple of years, but when I turned 18 I found that I liked the company of girls, but I didn't really want to do any more than hugging. I wondered if I was gay, but realised I had never been attracted to a boy, so I was really asexual. Dad died of alcoholism at the ripe old age of 49, when I was 19. At 20, Mum started setting me up with girls as it worried her I didn't seem interested. I went on a couple of uncomfortable dates before I was set up with a very unconfident girl, who I found myself enjoying trying to build up her self esteem. I helped her get her driving licence and she thought I was amazing, and even more so because I never tried to get her to bed.

At 25 I was so clucky to have a baby that I agreed to marry her, and we had probably the worst sex any two virgins had ever had, but somehow, she got pregnant. We built a new house and moved in 4 months before my daughter arrived. Loan Rates rose from 7% to 14% in the time it took to build the house, and I had to grab every bit of overtime I could to meet repayments and support a full time Mum. My wife struggled a bit with motherhood, so I also helped her as much as I could. This meant doing the night feeds as my wife couldn't wake up to breast feed. I was simply too tired to have Dysphoria.

Somehow, we had a little boy, and my wife couldn't bond with him. I did my best to support her, but before his third birthday, she left me with both children. I told her I was trans before we got married, and she let me have a small selection of female clothing provided neither she of my kids ever saw me in them. So I had a job and two children under 5, one in nappies. I did well in divorce court, negotiating a workable settlement, but my problem was that I had to care for my children, and make significant settlement payments. Mum had moved 1000 miles north for her arthritis. I had no other family to help me. I took a big risk and worked from home. I could look after my children through the day, do my running around while they were at school, then get them home, fed bathed and in bed by 8pm, and I would work until 1am. Get up at 6 am, make breakfast and lunches, dress kids, and drop them off. Do over.

I had Saturdays and every second weekend off child minding so I could also work weekends. My kids never went without anything, and I was able to pay off my ex and the bank in 5 years. I simply had no time for Dysphoria. I was able to cut back my workload and every month or so, have a day to myself. I loved scuba diving, so that was what I did on my free days. Through this I made a great friend, a woman who was 10 years younger than me. I provided her a shoulder to cry on through 3 boyfriend breakups, and she became a regular at my house at meal time. One night she said she wasn't going home. She was aghast at my lack of sexual experience, and taught me how to actually enjoy sex. I was steadily having more time to myself and my dysphoria returned. My friend told me she felt so comfortable with me she had stopped looking for anyone else.

We were really close friends, and began regularly staying at each others houses, as my kids were now in their late teens. My friend and soul mate had no interest in kids or housework, but she figured the kids would fly the coop soon and I would be the ideal partner. She wanted commitment. It was time to tell her I was trans, it floored her, and I didn't hear from her for over a week. She realised she had fallen in love with the female parts of me as well as the male parts, so decided to give it a go.

With my kids in their 20's, they jumped at the idea of me leaving them the family home and me moving in with my girlfriend. I dropped in 2 or 3 times a week to check up on them, but it seemed to be working. I was allowed to dress when my girlfriend was out of the house, but, after coming home unexpected and catching me quite a few times, she said it was ridiculous me trying to hide from her so we agreed on times when I could be myself when she was there.

My mother died a few days before Y2K, and I entered the new century devastated. I pulled myself together to get married to her on March 1st, my birthday, so I would never have an excuse to forget our anniversary! We got married to please her mother who didn't like us living together, and much to my disappointment, it was just my kids, a close friend, my new wife and me, at the registry office, on a midweek morning, and us in jeans and polo tops.

We both evolved over the next 18 years, to the point I was me all the time I was home, and as I only worked 3 days a week, that was most of the time. Our sex life waned and died completely after she thought penetrating me might make me more interested in her. I simply could never have sex with a woman again, but she was not too worried. My kids had moved on to their own lives, and I was proud they had turned out to be decent people. I have a dream job teaching kids about marine life and conservation, and I loved the ladies I worked with. I had lots of time to be myself, and grandchildren! I often pinched myself that my life was so good. I was happy to continue as I was forever.

2017 continued to be amazing, though, for one week a month I was a bit low. We were having great lives, overseas holidays, swimming with whales and sharks, realising all kinds of dreams. But the low days were getting worse. September 2018, just got back from Fiji, and I developed a cough. Went to the doc, got antibiotics, and the cough persisted. The low times had developed into depression, and I was really tired and having thoughts that I had no place on earth. I realised this was leading to suicide, I was still sick after 6 months, and my docs had run out of ideas. I needed help. I told my doc I was trans, and felt it was causing my illness and deepening depression, so she referred me to a gender specialist.

My specialist went through her spiel that it would take at least 3 sessions (@$200/session) to make a diagnosis, and got me to tell her my life story. She stopped me at 40 minutes and told me she was convinced I was a woman, and after a couple of control questions, wrote me a referral to see an Endocrinologist.  I was elated to finally be formally diagnosed, but worried at what might happen to my perfect life. 3 weeks later I was so sick I was off work. We were due to go on a diving holiday to the Phillipines in a month, and my wife was in tears as she held my long hair while I threw up in the toilet every couple of hours. The Endo said my T levels were already almost at female levels, so started me on Estrodot patches.

Two weeks later, after 8 months of coughing, I stopped. Another 2 weeks later, and against all expectations, I was playing with sharks 70 feet under the Sulu Sea. My medical review concluded my Dysphoria and depression were the cause of my illness, and HRT had cured me. But what of my perfect life? My wife, who admitted were are best friends and soulmates rather than a married couple, is terrified I will now come out as a non passing female. I have assured her I don't intend to come out if I will make people point at me and whisper. I didn't choose transition, I was happy with my life, my job with girls who embrace me, my grandkids who adore me as much as I do them, and my adventures fulfilling dreams. Why would I risk all that to try to achieve something which is unlikely at my age (65)?

Well, I have realised that my Dysphoria controls me, rather than my lifetime belief that I managed it. I am committed to HRT for the rest of my life, and my Endo is confident I will have pleasing outcomes. I still love my life as it is, but I know I must change, so, rather than rush to achieve the life denied me, I have decided to let the HRT do it's thing and give myself and my loved ones time to adjust before I consider risking it all to be myself. If the Dysphoria raises it's profile, I know how powerful it can be, so I will do what's necessary to survive, but, until then I can wait.

Thanks for reading.

Allie 
 


Offline Faith

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2019, 06:17:11 am »
Thank you, Allie, for your post. While some of the content is saddening I enjoyed reading overall post, it made me feel good. I wish you well and enjoyment on the rest of your journey.

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2019, 06:29:10 am »
Allie!!!!!!

That was a great story! It touched all my emotions! You are such an amazing woman and I'm so glad that I can call you my friend!

I may be biased but I have to say that's the best life story I've ever read on here. You're one of the good ones for sure!

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2019, 06:30:41 am »
Faith, thank you for reading and your encouragement. For all the low points, I feel I've had a full and rich life, and I am in an amazing position currently. It might go bad, but I'm more than hopeful it will continue to be a dream life!

Allie

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2019, 06:37:23 am »
Thank you Lexxi! I left out lots of details which would curl your eyelashes, but suffice to say my journey has been lifelong, and full of ups and downs. My point is that we all have different journey stories!

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2019, 06:42:20 am »
Hi Allie,

I've probably never told you this before, but I really like to have my eyelashes curled. So you can go ahead and write the rest of the eyelash curling story. I'd love to read it!

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Lynne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2019, 10:24:17 am »
Allie, thank you for sharing your story, it made me emotional too! There are quite a lot of similarities with my life, I can understand your decisions completely, I made similar life choices but depression came earlier.

I knew from a very young age too but I did not believe that it would be possible for me to transition at that age. When puberty came I was kind of happy because I thought it would make me a real man. I tried to bury my real feelings and I started some extreme sports, got into cars, grown some muscles and somehow I became sort of cool which was new for me. Before that I was bullied a lot so I thought I was on the right path, I'm more manly and cool, the bullying stopped so that must be right way to go... and how wrong I was...
I'm still taking my time with transitioning, did not jump into it like many girls who started around the same time.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2019, 03:34:27 pm »
Lynne, I got emotional writing the story, as my memories came flooding back! We all have different journeys, yet many are variations on the same theme. Our unique personalities and situations in life case us to react to <transgender> differently, but I wonder if the root cause is always the same? I can understand the emotions behind rushing through transition, but I see the benefits of taking time to allow everone to adjust.

It’s 6 am in Australia, an I am on the forum because it’s foggy! I live half a mile from a shipping channel, and there are ship fog horns sounding ever 30 seconds, impossible to sleep thergh!

Allie

Offline Lynne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2019, 03:59:29 pm »
I believe that gender is a very complex construct and while there can be a lot of common points, everybody has their own unique story and motivations to transition.
I can also relate to the emotions behind rushing through transition, I'm not devoid of them either, I just feel that there are things that shouldn't be rushed because the consequences of certain actions cannot be undone.

Uhh, 6 AM, that's early, usually I'm very grumpy if I have to get up before 9 AM. But nowadays the nearby construction starts at 7 AM six days of the week so I usually get up way before my morning alarm. I feel your pain! I hope the fog lifts soon and you can get some sleep!

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2019, 10:06:14 pm »
Well, It's been a while and a few things have happened. I'm having slow progress with my HRT, my T is almost zero, but my E is still low, so I am now on maximum doses. Early on in my transition I came out to my boss as I felt I would go through changes which might affect my job later in the year, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to fill any gaps. She was more than supportive, excited actually, but I had to keep a lid on it as my wife was still very nervous about my transition, and didn't want anyone to know about it.

I have lost around 45 pounds since starting HRT and have another 25 pounds to go, and my shape is changing daily. I have a waist that I've not had in memory! My breasts are developing, but my fat loss means they are actually decreasing in size. I started with nearly B cups, and now not quite A's. It's all in the plan though, lose weight and all my male fat, then put some back on to increase my female fat. Another year to go!

The big change has been with my wife. Recently she said she didn't like my avatar photo on this site (I often show her posts) and wanted to take a better picture of me. It was amazing as just a couple of months ago she was not happy about me posting pictures of myself on the internet. Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time. She had never wanted to even talk about me going full time, and a couple of months ago told me if I came out she would leave me!

So this is a major development, and I plan to start telling people after my next Endo review in September. This will be life changing as I won't have those awkward moments where people have been asking me why I have this year changed my life so much and lost so much weight. I also won't have the threat of my wife leaving hanging over me should anyone find out about me.

I am having some setbacks with my E levels, but once I sort that out, the doors are open for my way forward, and it feels amazing!!

Allie
« Last Edit: August 01, 2019, 07:48:29 am by Allie Jayne »

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #10 on: August 01, 2019, 02:40:57 am »
Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time. She had never wanted to even talk about me going full time, and a couple of months ago told me if I came out she would leave me!

So this is a major development, and I plan to start telling people after my next Endo review in September. This will be life changing as I won't have those awkward moments where people have been asking me why I have this year changed my life so much and lost so much weight. I also won't have the threat of my wife leaving hanging over me should anyone find out about me.
Allie

Hi Allie,

I'm so thrilled to hear this it almost gave me the drizzles!!! I had a feeling that she was going to come around one of these days. You must be over the moon happy. If you feel comfortable doing this, please tell your wife I said she's da bomb!! (That's a very good thing. The kids used to say it a few years ago...as you can see I still do, lol)

I can't wait to hear about all of your successful coming out interactions in a few months. Now that you have the go ahead from your wife, please be extra careful diving around all those Australian great white and tiger sharks. You don't want one of them to ruin your coming out party.  ;)

I'm just so thrilled for you girl--it's your dream come true,

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2019, 03:13:30 am »
Thanks Lexxi, and I always tell my wife she is Da Bomb! It is really a dream come true, and I have planned the order and some dates starting with my son, daughter and brothers and I will sit down with my work colleagues in the second week of October. I'm waiting til after my next endo update in September because the last one caused a GD attack. My wife has managed to lessen the dysphoria with this suggestion, so I should be ok at work tomorrow.

For her to go along with coming out, she has also accepted there will be a full time at some stage, which is another hurdle cleared. I am not silly enough to believe it is all green lights from here, and I will continue to support her so this goes smoothly. Christmas will be interesting this year.....

Hugs, Allie

What sharks?


Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #12 on: August 01, 2019, 06:18:49 am »
I started with nearly B cups, and now not quite A's.
...
Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time.

Having not-quite-A's is disappointing, but survivable.  (Ask me how I know! ::) )  Having the support of your wife is priceless.  I am very happy for you that she has come around and supports your going full-time.  There may still be bumps on the road, but you are on the road!
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2019, 06:56:29 am »
Thank you Kathy! Breasts aren't my focus, I'm more trying to get my body in shape, and I knew losing so much weight would cost me breast size, but it's an investment in the future! My wife's change of heart has been the highlight of my transition so far, as it opens so many doors!

Allie

Offline Lynne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2019, 07:34:57 am »
Wonderful news Allie! I'm so glad to read all these good news. I hope you will receive a lot of support from your family and colleagues after coming out to them!
Your coming out timeline is similar to mine, I have a few medical exams to take care of and then we'll have to come up with a coming out plan for work with my boss. I plan to attend our next winter party at work as my true self.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #15 on: August 01, 2019, 07:45:22 am »
Thank you Lynne, I am excited to come out, it has been weighing on me for a lifetime, and I know I had to stay in the closet for various reasons, but I have felt a bit like I've been deceiving everyone. I have left quite a few hints though, my long hair, domestic duties, obvious maternal instincts, sensitivity, and crying lots. I cry at happy and sad situations and my boss says I'm the most sensitive of all the women at work. So, I doubt I am fooling too many people.

Allie

Offline Lynne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2019, 08:06:09 am »
I can relate to the feeling of deceiving everyone as I was hiding my true feelings even more. No one who I was not out to ever saw me crying in the last 20 years and I've been crying a lot, just not in front of others.
I have a feeling that everything will fall into place once you come out :)

Offline randim

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2019, 08:19:08 am »
Congratulation Allie!  Some wonderful things are happening in your life, and you deserve them.  You've given tons of yourself for a long time.  It's time for some of that to come back to you.  Enjoy every bit of it.

Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2019, 08:25:15 am »
Allie,
         Just want to send best wishes. Your posts and trans life strike  chord with me. I love hearing about your experience/opinions.

 Kind regards, Kirsten.

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As a child prayed to be a girl- now the prayer is being answered - 40 years later !

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2019, 12:35:47 pm »
Thank you Randim and Kirsten! I have had a rich and diverse life, currently made richer by the wonderful people on this forum. The amount of experience here is amazing, and I just hope I can add something to this pool of knowledge to try to make up for the amount I am taking away. I don’t know any trans people in my region, so this forum is my only outlet, and it is keeping me sane!

Allie 

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