Topic: Allie's slightly different journey!

[Allie Jayne]

I came out to another female work colleague today. Last Wednesday I had a severe attack of dysphoria at work, caused by my low E result, and I burst into tears and ran away from her to be on my own. She spoke to my boss that she was worried about me, so I thought she deserved an apology and explanation for the way I behaved.

24 hours on my new dose of E patches and my nipples have been so sore the whole time. I guess that means more E is getting into my system, so my next blood test should be better. Why do nipples hurt so much when they aren’t growing?

Allie

[mm]

Glad things are going well with your wife, sure help when your partner in abroad.  Be glad as you lose weight you are getting a female shape, your boobs will develop as you are on E longer just takes time.  It tale a cis girl 4-6 yrs to fully develop.

[Allie Jayne]

Thanks, mm! I’m in no rush as I want time for my loved ones to get used to the new me, but my dysphoria won’t tolerate any setback! I am in awe at how accepting my wife has become recently. Last night we talked about the details of my GCS, and how the doctor has such a long waiting list. It seems she has realised this is all happening, and she can be on board or on her own, and she has chosen to stay!

I am worried about beach activities while I am in that in between phase next year, and my wife wants to go shark diving in South Africa, so to be supportive, I agreed to brave it out and go with her! Support is a two way street.

Much happier today!

Allie

[Allie Jayne]

This is such a ride! Last couple of weeks my wife showed more interest, wanting to take a better image of me for my avatar, and agreeing to me coming out. I was buoyed, thinking the she was starting to get with the program. This week she started questioning everything I had told her about my transition, just to clarify things. I thought, that's good, previously she wasn't keen to talk about it. Then she tells me she is embarrassed by me being trans, and that she will leave me as soon as I go out in public.

Two days of negotiations where we spoke about how I can't stop transition, so male fail is inevitable at some stage, but she is steadfast that she doesn't want to be associated with me when I present as a woman. We discussed divorce and the division of our assets and how much each of us will be poorer. She admitted she still loved me, but her embarrassment was stronger (it really hurts when the love of your life says they are embarrassed by you). I asked her if she would stay with me if I was badly disfigured by fire, or developed an uncontrollable mental disorder, and she said she would, but she just can't handle me being trans. So to her, being trans is worse than just about anything else.

We both love the house we now live in, and agreed we would likely never find anyone else who would be as good to live with as we have been. We sleep in seperate bedrooms now, so our relationship is more soul mates than marriage. Once before I suggested she publicly divorce me, and tell everybody she doesn't want to lose her house so she will continue to live with me. She warmed to this idea again. It meant virtually no change to her living standards, but gave her a way to disassociate herself from me publicly. To me, it opens a window of time for her to grow with me and hopefully soften her shame as she sees me in a more acceptable light.

So that's where we are at, not pursuing divorce straight away, but leaving it as a plan so we can move on, and at least stay together. A positive is that all restrictions are off, I was holding off on electrolysis as a sign that I wasn't going full time, and I can come out to everyone. I know there is no certainty in our relationship, and at any time she might just leave, but at least I won't be alone immediately. All this is so draining, and I am so grateful that my work friends are helping me through it.

I'm trying to start my family coming out with my son first, but, after I asked him to find some time so we can get together to discuss life changes I am going through, he said o.k. and in over a week, I haven't heard from him. he can't be so busy he can't fit me in for an hour sometime this month. I am starting to think he knows what I want to discuss, and is avoiding me. Next week I will bring it to a head, and if he is still avoiding me I will move onto his sister and the rest of my family.

I am so nervous about coming out, I just hope everything is better after it's all done, but I have a fear it's not going to go smoothly. But my journey must continue, so I have to grit my teeth and pray for better times. Thank you for sharing my twists and turns.

Allie

[Jessica]

Allie, I am sorry that your wife has expressed embarrassment of you presenting as a woman.  This is the same issue my wife has and I hope, like you, that she warms up to it. 
We both have compromised enough with each other that I will be who she needs me to be and Jessica I’ll have her time otherwise.  I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but at this time all is fine and loving.  After 2+ years on hrt there has definitely been physical changes and even though I’ve got boobs, I’m able to wear a loose shirt and no ones the wiser.


Good luck hon, Jess

[Allie Jayne]

Allie, I am sorry that your wife has expressed embarrassment of you presenting as a woman.  This is the same issue my wife has and I hope, like you, that she warms up to it. 
We both have compromised enough with each other that I will be who she needs me to be and Jessica I’ll have her time otherwise.  I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but at this time all is fine and loving.  After 2+ years on hrt there has definitely been physical changes and even though I’ve got boobs, I’m able to wear a loose shirt and no ones the wiser.


Good luck hon, Jess

Thanks Jess,
                    I never imagined I was the only one in this situation, but I have lost confidence in guessing when things are going well or are about to blow up in my face. I know she is going through an awful lot, and probably more than I can ask of her. She reiterated to me that she is proud of everything I do in our lives, especially the way I raised two children from a previous marriage on my own, but she just can't get over this. She is ashamed of her position, and believes that almost everyone will see her as the bad person if she leaves, but it is a fundamental hurdle she can't clear.

I have been me inside our house for 20 years, and I doubt if I would be confident enough to go public for a couple of years, if ever, so I guess things will go on as they are. My Endo advised me to make sure my wife knew I would look significantly more feminine in the next year. I am coming out to everybody over the next few weeks, and that may help her or drive her over the top. I just don't know anymore...

Allie

[Lexxi]

What sharks?

"You're gonna need a bigger boat" Chief Brody

[Lexxi]

I am coming out to everybody over the next few weeks, and that may help her or drive her over the top. I just don't know anymore...
Allie

Hi Allie,

I know as a grown woman you don't need anyone's permission to do what you want to do. But just in case no one has ever told you this...I, (and probably a hundred other Susan's people) give you permission to do what you want to do for once in your life. You've spent your entire life living for other people, and kept the real you hidden from everyone. First you lived for and provided for your first wife, then you put everything on hold to raise your kids alone, then for the last 20 years or so you've kept your true self hidden to appease your second wife who knew you were trans when you first met. You've always put others first and now it's time for you to put you first.

You've known that you were born a female and kept it hidden for other people. You don't have to do that any more! You should feel free to spend the rest of your life as your true self, and if somebody doesn't like it, well they can just go get bent. They'll either get over it, get used to it, or feel free to take a walk. For the record I don't think your wife is going to go anywhere. I think she likes the life you all have built together and the things you have and doesn't want to risk losing it. I also don't think it was fair of her to get your hopes up two weeks ago by telling you it was okay to be your true self, then pull the rug out from under you this week and threaten to leave if you do. That's not right!! In my opinion that's mental abuse and you shouldn't have to stand for that.

As for your son I think you should jerk a knot in his tail. Maybe call him up and tell him you're stopping by and he better be there. I'm VERY guilty of dodging my parents most of the time, and that's probably what he's doing too. I don't think he's consciously trying to hurt you. I think he's just being a son, and doing what son's are famous for doing...and that's ghosting people. If he knows you need to have a serious talk with him asap I'm sure he'll make himself available.

Sorry if I was blunt in a place or two in this post. I just don't like to see you getting hurt and it makes me mad when that happens. No one should treat you poorly. You're an amazing person, and one helluva special woman and everyone should treat you as such!

Lots of (((((((hugs)))))) and kisses,

Lexxi

[Allie Jayne]

Curse you Lexxi, I had made my mind up I wasn't going to cry today. I hear what you are saying and I thank you for being a true friend and telling me the way it is. I feel the wheels are rolling now and there is not much I can do about stopping it. We have scheduled a staff meeting for the 16th of October, especially for me to come out to everybody at work, and I need to make sure I have told all my family before then. 2 months seems like a long time, but my family are scattered all over the country, and I want to tell my kids in person.

I'm getting great support from the two women I've come out to at work, and you really inspired me to push this forward. I just wish it was all over and the butterflies were gone, though it has been good for my weight loss. I lost 2 1/2 pounds on the day my wife decided to tell me how she felt. I can't help worrying about my wife and family, that's who I am, but it is happening and I will deal with whatever happens.

Love, Allie

[Lexxi]

I'm so glad you have those work friends to be there for you. I know it's easier when you have someone there in person to help. Just know that you also have all of us here out in the wilds of the internet too.

You said that your family is spread out all over the country. Does that mean you're getting ready to make a long road trip to visit them? That sounds like fun to me...just don't run into any kangaroos with your car. hahaha...

I wish I had the means to explore your country. I love seeing new places and all the wonders they hold. I'm one of those people who likes to take a lot of pictures, and with the invention of digital cameras I don't have to worry about going broke getting film developed anymore. The last big trip I took I went out to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park. In 8 days I shot through 17 rolls of film. I can't even fathom how many pictures I'd take in Australia.

Sorry I made you break your vow not to cry today. 

xoxo
Lexxi

[Allie Jayne]

No time for road trips Lexxi. One brother is 1 hour 40 minutes away, another 4 hours and the other 2000 miles west of me, plus a half brother 1200 miles north. And a couple of them are travelling the country in caravans, so catching them with good cell reception might take a couple of tries. My wife knows how to go through images, having taken well over 100000 images.I haven't travelled the inland part of my country yet as we always stay on the coast.

Allie

[Lexxi]

I was watching National Geographic a couple of weeks ago and they had a bunch of shark episodes on. Some of them were in Australia. Did you work on any of the TV shows, or was your work only in the magazines? If you worked on the TV shows, do you happen to know the name of the episodes?

[Allie Jayne]

Lexxi, I haven’t  been selling any shark footage, my camera is a bit old for documentary footage now, so we just shoot for club presentations and online. It’s hard to make money from it now as everybody has a camera and is willing to give their images away for fame. I’m getting too old to invest in a broadcast camera, as I’d never get the money back.

Allie

[Allie Jayne]

So onto the next phase in my transition.  I had my first hair removal consultation. I learned so much, and I had so many misconceptions, a lot from this forum. I thought I eeded dark hair for laser to work, so I had resigned myself to electrolysis for my whole face. Not true, if the laser can see the follicle under the skin, it can zap it. She tried a section of my cheek and I was surprised by how much it hurt, and the smell of burning hair. The pain was tolerable, but more than I had anticipated. She wiped the burnt remains from my skin and showed me how many hairs were destroyed in a couple of minutes.

Then she did a section of my chin with electrolysis, and I raced for the pain only to find this to be more comfortable than the laser. It is so much slower though. She recommended I have 2 or 3 sessions with laser a month apart, and then electrolysis every 6 weeks, and she estimated my face would be hair free in 2 years! This is quicker than I thought, and with a far fewer visits and $$$’s, and the best part is I can shave before laser visits, and only have to leave my facial hair grow for a couple of days before electrolysis. I had envisaged rare times when I could keep my face smooth between frequent visits, and I was worried about dysphoria kicking in, but this plan sound like a winner!

I have another hair removal salon to try next week, just to see what they recommend and also the see which of them are most comfortable for me, but I am happy with the salon I just trialled. So another consult next week and then I will jump into the program  with some idea when my facial hair will be gone!

My situation with my wife has not changed, though she has been hugging me more lately and after a big hug a couple of days ago she told me a couple of her colleagues attended a presentation on marine life I gave to a public audience. Her colleagues told my wife I mentioned her a number of times and it was obvious I loved her very much and they were jealous of our relationship. I had no idea who was in the audience, and my wife was really happy about the comments. Who know what it might mean!

Thanks for reading,

Allie   

[Lexxi]

Hi Allie,

I'm so happy that your hair zapping sessions went so well. I know almost nothing about stuff like that...but I'll soon have to start the process too, so I need to learn all I can before I start. Luckily I'm not super hairy. I can go about 5 or 6 days between shavings. Most of my hairs are dark, but they're not real thick. I have some white ones on my chin though.

It sounds like you'll be able to handle the pain okay. Did your worker offer any kind of numbing solution? Hopefully you'll fly through this process in record time. I don't know if 2 years is record time though, but you know what I mean. Does the laser get rid of the hair forever, or does it just make it grow really slow and light?

Even though I know it's going to hurt, I'm kinda excited to get this process started myself. I hope your next appointment with the different tech goes as well as today's did.

I'm super happy that you got those good hugs!! We all know you're a great person and I bet she does too. I think it's cool that some of her coworkers heard all the good things you say about her. I love that you made them jealous! That must make your wife feel very special. Hopefully that leads to good things. 

xoxo
Lexxi

[Allie Jayne]

Lexxi! great to have you back, my world is back in balance! Pain isn’t a strong issue for me as I don’t get anaesthetic at the dentist for fillings and such, I can disconnect from pain. 2 years to be completely hair free is great, I have read many reports of 3 years and more, so I’m happy, though it may e sales talk, and it will actually be longer. I have another consultation with a differnt salon in the next week and I will decide which one to sign up with. They all supply numbing cream for upper lip, and offer a local dentist to administer novocaine first.

Yes, I am popular with my wife this week, ut I’m not silly enough to read anything into it, She still has a fundamental problem with being ashamed of me, and so far, no answers to that. I believe I will need to come out in public and be generally accepted before she might come around, but she promised to leave me when I go public, so I’m not sure how that will develop.

Hope everything is going well for you and I’ll e looking forward to your reports on hair removal!!

Hugs, Allie

[Lexxi]

Hi Allie,

Thank you very much. I couldn't stay away too long because you know how I like it here.
As if I didn't already think you are SuperWoman, now I find out that pain doesn't affect you either...WOW that's amazing. There's no way I'd let my dentist work on me without the numbing juice. In fact my mouth is so sensitive they have to use the really powerful stuff instead of the regular Lidocaine they use for everyone else. I think it's called Septocaine. I hate it though because it usually numbs the rest of my face for hours on end. If the electrolysis hurts too much maybe I'll just wait to do it after a dental appointment, LOL.

It's going to be quite a while before I'll be having any hair removal done. But I'll definitely be on the look out for your posts. Has your face been red where they worked on you today? Does it feel kind of like a sunburn, or does it even hurt at all?

I'm really glad that you're popular with her this week. That makes me smile, and I'm sure it does you too. I'm still holding out hope that she's going to come back around and be there for you. 

xoxo
Lexxi

[Allie Jayne]

This is a copy from another thread, as I just had to post it here as well!

OK, well, the past 24 hours have possibly been the most significant in my life. I knew my daughter would accept me but was worried about my son in law, and my son and I have had a off hand relationship for most of his life, mostly because we have little in common. My son is the youngest of my two, and has always felt his sister was my favourite, so I thought this might be an opportunity to make him feel first for once, and on an extremely important issue.

It is a 2 hour drive to my son's place, so we opted to do a FaceTime meeting. I was very nervous and had my speech laid out in front of me when he rang, and I started out with "the reason for this call is to tell you I am Transgender and transitioning". I had a couple of paragraphs of science notes next, but my son stopped me and said he would accept me and give me any amount of support I needed. I broke down as he went on to tell me it was the least he could do after I raised him as a single parent. I recovered to muddle through the rest of my speech, and he appreciated the technical information then asked a bunch of questions. He told me he had no idea I was trans. My wife (not the mother of my children) sat in on the call, explaining how she is having problems with my transition, and my son and her agreed to talk privately to help each other through this. The acceptance and support I got blew me away, and the connection between my wife and my son took it to another dimension.

I was babysitting my daughters children the next day, so took the opportunity to talk to her and her husband. My son in law simply said "you are who you are, and you will be who you will be, but you will always be a part of this family" My daughter struggled to understand everything, but she said her love for me was truly unconditional, and they would both accept and support me in any way. I was worried about the affect I might be perceived to have on my grandchildren, but they said the kids would adapt to the new me and love me as they do now.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, my son and his partner arrived as they wanted to hug me in person, and ask me a bunch more questions. It was so wonderful and I was in a sea of love and support when I saw my wifes car pulling up out front. I broke down badly.

We live an hour and forty minutes drive from my daughter, and when I texted my wife that my son was coming to give me a hug, she left work and drove to my daughters to again show her support. This becomes even more important as my grand kids are sick with colds and conjunctivitis, and my wife has an operation scheduled soon, and she asked me to keep my contact wth my grand kids to a minimum so I didn't bring an infection home. So, knowing all this, when I saw my wife arrive, I was simply overwhelmed with the love and support.

The outcome was so far above anything I could have imagined. My kids formed a team to support each other and my wife and I, and all agreed this bought our family much closer together and with a raised regard for each other. I am not sure if the relief from finally telling them was the highlight or the pride in the fine adults I had raised, or the unimaginable support from my wife, but all three combined to make the past 24 hours the most significant in my life.

I know there will be more questions and possibly different sentiments in coming weeks, but I also know they have made a solid support network so I'm confident we will all get through this. I am still overwhelmed by what happened.

Allie

[randim]

Allie,

I am so happy for you!  I am not out to my children but I fantasize about such acceptance.  That must be beyond affirming.  And it is well deserved.  It sounds like you prioritized your children's welfare when they were growing up, and now that love has made its way back to you.  There might be some bumps in the road after they've had time to absorb it, but they are solidly in your corner.  Big hug and congrats to you.

[KathyLauren]

Allie, huge congratulations on coming out to your kids!  You obviously raised them right, because they are now repaying you with their support.

I am crying from reading your post.  Ya done good, girl!