Topic: Mapping My Journey

[Daylight]

I haven't posted an entry in my journal here for two weeks! I've really calmed down. A month ago I had to hold myself back from posting multiple times each day.

First off, thanks @madeleine for the support!

Things have been going really well, even if I'm not at the same level of euphoria & excitement I was before. I've swapped therapists to one covered by insurance and had my first session with her. She's awesome, and I'm very excited to be able to work with her regularly going forward! My biggest disappointment after the first session is that our next appointment isn't until July 6th.

I also got a new primary care physician at a different clinic that has more experience with transgender patients. That's great in terms of hormones and the transition itself as well as after. The doc (I think actually she is a nurse practitioner?) seemed to think my plan to begin hormones around the end of the year was a good one, which was reassuring.

I love the skirt my friend got me! It's very cute and flattering. The blouse she sent me is lovely but a tad small, so it will wait until I lose a few more pounds in a couple of months. The blouse I ordered is also very nice, goes great with the skirt, and fits very well right now

Another plunge I took is signing up for a transgender dating app. It looks like most of the people that reach out are scammers. I'm supposed to believe that a 22-year-old from 2,000 miles away in Ohio that looks like a model and speaks broken English singled me out immediately after I signed up? Right. Even I'm not that arrogant. BUT I did get to talk to a real human being not so far away from me on the app the other day. He seems nice I doubt anything will ever happen with it, but it is fun for someone that hasn't had any sort of relationship or intimacy for almost a decade to think there might be people out there that could be interested in me. The possibility motivated me to buy a wig and a few things that, assuming they all fit, would leave me feeling that I could have an outfit to wear on a date.

My voice coach suggested having structured time to practice regular conversations during the day, so I signed up for World of Warcraft. I found a trans-friendly guild that I am joining. My hope is that I can play about 30-minutes per day and do a lot of voice chat with my feminine voice (which right now isn't very feminine). I've never played the game before and looking forward to giving it a shot.

There are a couple of negatives to report. I've noticed my calorie intake has gone up the past few weeks. I have a few ideas for why and will try to combat it in a healthy way. I am still trying to lose a good deal more weight. But I'm not doing terrible, so I won't try anything silly.

The other negative is that the potential work I thought I was going to get has remained in limbo. It seems to me, given the short turnaround time they had for the project, that the longer I don't hear the less likely I am to get the job. Right now I'd guess there is about a 10-20% chance.

Overall, things are great! I want to get a bit more organized in a few areas but am generally feeling very positive and making progress. I hope everyone else is doing at least as well as I am

Love and peace!

[Daylight]

Another week and I'm still feeling positive

I had a conversation with my family last night and gave them all an update. They are all fantastic and support me. A great thing to come out of that conversation was that my brother is connecting me with a friend of his that can hopefully offer me some advice on personal issues. The friend is transgender also something of a spiritual guru. Not like he has a following or anything, but just that my brother says he is wise & knowledgable and a good person to talk to about things I need some help with.

I'm both excited and frustrated with my voice practice. I'm working with a voice coach and have had people give me some excellent resources as well. I know I need to be patient. And I can hear differences. But I can't really see the end of the tunnel yet and I wonder if I am actually getting closer? I haven't found a good place to practice casual conversation daily, as nobody seems to voice chat in the games I have tried. I keep trying to remind myself that I'll get there. I'm glad I started now instead of six months from now.

I have therapy on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. I had a great first session with this therapist, but actually heard a couple of negative reports about her from others since then. Nobody gave me any specifics, though. It didn't sound like anybody was concerned she was dangerous or had bad motives. I'm going to try to keep an open mind and base my opinion on my own experiences.

Exercise, diet, and work are also in a similar situation. Good and bad things going on. Mostly everything is moving in the right direction, though.

The big thing on the schedule today is that I'm going to reach out to a couple of friends and talk about being transgender. When I set up the Zoom I felt sure this is the right thing to do and the right time. I'm a bit nervous today, but deep down I still feel the decision is the right one. They're great and I'm sure they'll be supportive. The question I ask is if this is something they would really want to know right now? I think the answer is 'yes' despite any challenges that may come along with it.

Life is crazy. But at least recently it's crazy in a good way

Love and peace!

[Ellie_Arroway]

Hi Megan,

On the whole, that sounds positive!

My understanding is that it will take time to develop the skills required for a feminine voice. Months of practise, I am given to understand. So don't beat yourself up over not making leaps of progress instantly. I'm still at the start of that particular journey.

[Daylight]

My understanding is that it will take time to develop the skills required for a feminine voice. Months of practise, I am given to understand. So don't beat yourself up over not making leaps of progress instantly. I'm still at the start of that particular journey.

Definitely it takes time and practice. Talk to me in six months, right? Hopefully, there will be a lot of progress by then. I expect it will be at least a year and maybe two or three before I truly get my voice to where I want it to be.

My conversation with my friends last Friday went well. They were both very supportive. I've been super lucky that everyone I've talked to has reacted better than I expected. I'm surrounding myself with a terrific support group

I've been talking a bit with my sister and her husband about how to present this to my nieces. They're ages one to four and absolutely adorable. I see them a couple of times a week and we have a blast together. My sister is completely open and supportive about how and when to talk to them. I have some ideas I'll post in the Coming Out forum because I'd love some feedback from people here.

The other big transition-related thing for me is that this weekend I should get to spend pretty much the entire weekend as Megan! Granted, I'll basically be inside. But I do hope to get out for a short walk or two.

So I'm feeling good and things are going well. Love and peace!

[Ellie_Arroway]

I've been talking a bit with my sister and her husband about how to present this to my nieces. They're ages one to four and absolutely adorable. I see them a couple of times a week and we have a blast together. My sister is completely open and supportive about how and when to talk to them. I have some ideas I'll post in the Coming Out forum because I'd love some feedback from people here.

I think at that age, they will just accept that it's something some people go through, and think nothing of it. My daughter, age 11, is having quite a hard time of it with me.

[Daylight]

I think at that age, they will just accept that it's something some people go through, and think nothing of it. My daughter, age 11, is having quite a hard time of it with me.

I'm sorry it's been a hard time for your daughter and you with this. Eleven must be old enough to have a lot of conflicting emotions about it that need to get sorted out? I hope and expect that it will get easier for her, as you seem like an awesome person and are probably a fantastic, loving parent. Good luck!

[Daylight]

I was feeling great for most of the past week until this afternoon. Right now I'm thinking about my lack of a career and that really gets me. I need to be able to work through the shame and discomfort, but mostly the hopelessness. I've been in therapy for the better part of the past fifteen years and don't feel any closer to figuring out how to deal with it.

I'll be alright. The reality is that everything is fine, I just feel bad at the moment. Everything will happen when it is time.

[Daylight]

I've done a lot of talking and thinking since my previous post last week. There is a plan and I feel like I have some people supporting me. Career, applications, cover letters, and all that are still nerve-wracking. But, with luck, I'll be able to make progress.

I think therapy was somewhat useful in that regard today, but we got caught up on this one thing to the point that I didn't get to mention any of the many, many items I had listed. Not that I expected to dive into each of them, but I would have liked my therapist to at least be aware of what is going on. So that was frustrating.

I've also been doing at home IPL treatment for a while now and don't know if it is doing anything. I believe I have a light enough skin tone and dark enough hair color that IPL would be very effective for me. I'll give it another few weeks. I hope it works.

Okay. I mostly just wanted to check-in and journal a few things down.

[Ellie_Arroway]

I've also been doing at home IPL treatment for a while now and don't know if it is doing anything. I believe I have a light enough skin tone and dark enough hair color that IPL would be very effective for me. I'll give it another few weeks. I hope it works.

I'm kind of in the same boat, but I do believe mine is working. Especially on my legs and arms. My chest seems not to be responding as quickly as I would like. I think there's a reduction of facial hair but I can't quantify it. I still have a five-o'clock shadow.

I'm not doing my arms and legs weekly now. I'm still doing my chest, neck and face weekly.

[Daylight]

Thanks for sharing your experience with IPL, Ellie. Reading you were having success with it in an earlier thread was part of what convinced me to try it. And I do think it is working for me.

That being said, I've decided to stop using it on my face. I'm going to use a professional laser treatment there. With my skin and hair colors (fair and dark) I think it will be very effective and reduce the amount of electrolysis I end up needing. I'd love to see significant results around the end of the year or at least by next spring when I am hoping to be on hormones and go full-time.

In other news, I got a job. I start on Monday. It's actually a job that I had before (same role, same company) several years ago. The money is okay. I'll be able to do the job. It's remote. Hopefully, it will help me strengthen my skills and marketability to find the next job in six months or a year. Or less if a good opportunity arises? There's lots of stress, but overall I think it will be a very good thing for me.

Having a source of income again has me thinking about surgeries and the costs of transitioning. I think I'll be able to manage what I need over the next several years. Keeping that in mind will be good motivation.

There have been some really good moments. I have a friend that has done a few makeup sessions with me over Zoom. It's fun to just chat with her, but also at the end of the last one there were times I would catch the right angle in the mirror and I felt really good about myself.

Exhausted and need to get some sleep. Love and peace!