Author Topic: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes  (Read 19658 times)

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Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #560 on: April 03, 2020, 11:46:54 am »
Hi Maddie, I've read your post(s) this morning and just getting a break from work to respond. Recalling my previous posts here to you "survival matters", and my advice today is again to simply focus on keeping yourself intact and healthy. Transition issues can take a back seat really, prioritize what really matters. We can't say what will even happen next week, given recent events. I want to let you know your are being heard here, your Mom can be an emergency contact ? I know you stay in touch with her. Seek inner peace, however you achieve that, because outside it's madness, not normal, not even close. The greatest risk is not the virus it's self, but ourselves, our souls and minds, and how we approach knowledge of it's existence.

Hugs from out here and be well

Cyndi
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #561 on: April 03, 2020, 11:52:29 am »
Hang in there Maddie. Oftentimes we find help and support when we last expect it. I'm sure you'll find some people who will understand you and can relate to what you're going through.

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Offline randim

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #562 on: April 03, 2020, 01:16:40 pm »
I'm so sorry you're hurting Maddie.  Stay strong and know you're as entitled to a peaceful place in this world as anybody.  These are crazy times, but they will pass.  Be good to yourself, and like others have said, you can't predict the future.  Maybe something good's waiting around the corner for you.  And by all means, use these boards.  You're among friends here.  Dump your sad, your dark, your silly, your happy here. That's what these forums are for.

Offline madeleine

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #563 on: April 03, 2020, 04:40:31 pm »
Keep talking to us Maddie. 

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #564 on: April 03, 2020, 07:01:50 pm »
Your neighbor does sound a bit odd. Please be safe.  I'm sorry to hear of the deaths in your building. 
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #565 on: April 04, 2020, 08:46:30 am »
Your neighbor does sound a bit odd.

I agree with Judi, sounds like an official wing nut, they are out there.

Be well

C
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #566 on: April 04, 2020, 01:08:26 pm »
I'd do my best to steer clear of that guy. He sounds like he's got a screw loose.

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Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #567 on: April 05, 2020, 10:31:50 am »
Pretty sure that there will be minimal if any gardening on the porch.

I need to move.  Still don't know where.  My options are limited and yes that's my fault. 

I  have operated my life from intuition , gut feeling, and spiritual messages that I read as direction.  I have not operated my life by thinking and planning first.  For example, I've been very forthcoming in relationships about my crossdressing and desire/ belief of being a woman.  Thus I have lived my life alone, except for 5 years.  I have never lived with a partner who did not commit suicide.  But these were the ones that accepted me enough to put up with my own depression.  Obviously they were self destructive, and their conditions were pre-existing.  I've already come through the blame and guilt for those, and God's witness I did not cause any of that.  It's just that my magnet attracted those types.

I have now separated from relationships for several years, and the last one was not bad or self destructive.  She doesn't jive with trans though, which is fair, and I chose to live for real instead of holding it inside and being resentful later. 

I also based my life career path by asking inwards to god and following open doors.  This worked for a long time until it didn't.  Asking again. The answer seems to be to reformat the business I used to have.  That will not pay for near future  transition, car repair,  or moving however.

Thought I was established here.
But noone who is left seems to know me anymore. 
These include people who used to talk to me, visit my cat, have me pick them up groceries,etc. 
Must not be needed here anymore.  To combat this feeling, I will step up efforts to assist around here anyway I can that does not involve going off into isolated caves with the man I mentioned before

It's worse now with covid, but it started last summer when my bnf (best neighbor friend) died and then that trans-hateful houseguest moved in below me and has not left. Everyone seems to either like her, or avoid everyone on my side of the building because of her and her drunken clutch.

I've been hesitant to move because moving can be a setback .  Peace disappears, and inefficiency follows moves.
And, I know that I cannot move away from myself.  Another reason I've stayed so long this time. 

Was trying to change, in hopes that would jumpstart a new interpersonal dynamic,  wherever I end up.
Hopefully I have changed enough in this garden. 
Enough to make a difference for the next community relationships.

Maybe there will be a place for a small garden there too.

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #568 on: April 05, 2020, 10:41:11 am »
Maddie there will be another place where a wonderful and fruitful garden will flourish.  You wrote:

"I've been hesitant to move because moving can be a setback .  Peace disappears, and inefficiency follows moves.
And, I know that I cannot move away from myself.  Another reason I've stayed so long this time.


Moving can be a setback but also a new beginning.  Don't confuse peace with "cold comfort."  Change can be good as it allows us to leave behind elements we no longer need or desire.  We cannot escape our past, but we can learn from it in order to forge a new future.  Just as you have made a difference here (yes you have!) you will find a home where you will make a difference in your life and that of others.  A community where you are loved. 

Hugs, Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #569 on: April 05, 2020, 12:44:39 pm »
Thank you for telling me I make a difference here.

And for insight of  Pink Floyd lyric.
Cold comfort for change
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lean pole in a cage

I am useful
I am needed
I am sane
I am stable
I am free

Offline RandyL

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #570 on: April 05, 2020, 03:27:21 pm »
Hi Maddie, hang in there, be patient through this pandemic disruption, and keep your eyes open for an opportunity to move. You are strong, and we love you! Randy

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #571 on: April 05, 2020, 05:47:07 pm »
Anytime Maddie.  I was just being honest. 

I always thought the line was "Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage."  Although in a cage lean poles are what you get.
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #572 on: April 05, 2020, 06:01:20 pm »
Did j type that?   Not even sure what a lean pole is.

Gonna jump a bridge.
I am balanced

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #573 on: April 06, 2020, 11:20:42 am »
Just had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend from forums.
Nice verbal communication :).
I am feeling reassured about my safety at home, using caution and distance. 
Hopefully the world can open up again.

As the news here is warning to brace for terrible week, I hope you are braced and safe.
Thank you if you are working in any high risk capacity.

Noticed the calendar today:
Please bear in mind the full moon as it intensifies things. 
It does for me.

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #574 on: April 06, 2020, 11:30:04 am »
Wow, me too!  I started noticing changes with the full moon years ago, especially sleep.  I have the hardest time falling asleep at full moon.

I'm glad you were able to speak with some here.  It must have been nice! 

Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline davina61

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #575 on: April 06, 2020, 02:15:01 pm »
Ahh yes full mooooooooooooon as in I used to be a werewolf but I'm all right Noooooooooooow!!! 
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #576 on: April 06, 2020, 04:34:28 pm »
Lol. Luckily I don't have any problems sleeping.

I'm glad you were able to speak to another member. Usually if you can talk things out with someone you can come up with a plan.

Hugs

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Offline randim

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #577 on: April 06, 2020, 08:52:15 pm »
Glad you found somebody to talk to. The internet is nice, but it's hard to beat a more personal connection.  Hope today has been a good one for you, and the sun shone your way.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #578 on: April 15, 2020, 12:47:42 pm »
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

I trust that today will be a good day for you, and if not, the best thing you can do is to write in your blog/thread and vent. 
So many times, at least for me, it is a great way to review my problems and issues and that allows me to postulate and  ponder what I can do about it.... thinking positive is a key here.  I know that you are aware of my thread....   
                 Positive Mindset... put away negativity
You might want to take some time and look over the comments from many of our members that post their thoughts there, it could be very helpful.

Hey girl, where is your Avatar/Profile photo???   I miss seeing you.   As in the past, if you have things that you want me to do with your photos, I will always be happy to assist, just let me know!!!

I will be looking for your updates to your thread here....
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #579 on: April 15, 2020, 01:43:05 pm »
Hi Maddie,  I hope you're feeling alright.  Please don't let all the <poo> around you get you down.  You're stronger than that. 

Hugs,
Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

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