Author Topic: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes  (Read 20708 times)

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Online Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #700 on: October 12, 2020, 09:43:35 pm »
Hi Maddie,

I understand. I shared a lot on my blog and I think some people were turned off by what I shared. I had been doing some stuff lately (not the past 5 weeks as I have been in seclusion) that I will not share on Susan's because I feel it would be looked at by some as negative. Lets just say I am learning, lots of stuff. Some people have fantasies and I have live its. I have done some incredible things this summer.

I hope your summer was wonderful and you have an awesome Autumn.

I messed up in Portland Wednesday night and went off the straight and narrow. I am recovered now and rethinking my actions and motives. I wonder if every now and then I need a reminder I have a problem and need reminding. For me there is no half measure and I go to where I left off. Not my intent but the result.

Best,
Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #701 on: October 25, 2020, 10:45:41 am »
Just wanted to say hi Maddie and I hope you are doing well.

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Started HRT 1/3/2019




Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #702 on: October 26, 2020, 10:21:05 am »
Greetings Maddie.  I hope you are doing well. 

hugs, Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #703 on: October 26, 2020, 12:37:28 pm »
Hope you're doing well.
Julie

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #704 on: October 28, 2020, 07:55:22 am »
Hi Maddie, thinkin' of ya, hope you are well  :)

Cynthia
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #705 on: November 04, 2020, 08:05:00 am »
Sorry not posting about fictitious election week news. 

Hi everyone. Thank you for checking on me.  I miss you. 

Ive been staying away from forums because I am crazy and can't even get a job because of it.  I have been applying and interviewing. Next one is tomorrow.  I don't interview well and struggle to disguise my contempt for the interviewer scrutinizing and belittling my life experience, compared to their personal viewpoint.

The last place was home hospice and healthcare, driving my own car place to place in WI snow for $7.25 /hr.  Part time.  They don't want me because she could tell I was a man no doubt considered me a liar because my legalities say female now.  And I'm pretty, dammit!! Maybe that's worse...  Truthfully I didnt want to risk my 30yr old car doing that for that pay anyhow. If I lose my car then I have to rely on services to get food, as there is no grocery store or bus for twenty miles. 

The libraries in my county have been closed since March, so there have been no public computers.  Many apps and application forms don't work on my phone.  Especially the corporate employment forms.  Matrix!!!

But I am the matrix (plz don't quote this line back at me)

Trying to sell stuff online although not able to ebay because I don't have a computer.  Tech says I can't link payments with phone internet.  I have some guitars that I love and play daily.  If all sold for good $, will cover one high volume electro hair clearing session (they said I'll need five)

The surgeon for GCS turned me down.  The consult was a ten minute blind phone call because their app didn't work.  The surgeon was annoyed by the questions we had prepared and also annoyed because I expressed frustration that their app didn't work.  A year of waiting and two professional letters, and because of a bad phone call, I am turned down and shut off from GCS surgery in the only system doing this with my insurance in this state.   The only question she asked me was my height and weight.  I told her 5'10" 167lbs.  So I don't think that was why I was rejected. I have to assume it's because I was mad that she couldn't even see me for my consult and couod only judge me by my voice ability.   I've been working using voice pitch app but obviously not enough because I was rejected as the male I am.  But maybe I'm obese by her judgement...?  I will keep losing weight until someone accepts me for surgery!!
I had three other consults lined up, and none of them accept my insurance. The next upcoming one just cancelled, even though they initially said I would be covered.   I was not allowed to self pay, not that I could have.

Wish I could move somewhere where electro is covered or just subsidized a little!!. But I'm in a very cheap apt in a rural area and barely making it here! I'd never make it a month in CA or WA.
Covid positive tests are increasing here now, delayed reaction I guess.

As suggested so long ago, i went to counselors for direction.  Three counselors in five years.  Each one promised they were a specialist in transitioning.  None of them knew much.  They have not helped beyond guidance towards name/gender marker change, and I am tired of wasting my life time.

I dropped 40lbs and am in the best shape of my life for surgery now. Now.  But my concerns remain hair removal, skin care, voice, and personality overhaul.  Employability.  Ability to be a part of a group or family or anything.  Years of isolation have made me something that other people cannot relate to, so they distance themselves.

My hair is growing nicely on my head these days.

Hope
« Last Edit: November 04, 2020, 10:10:39 am by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #706 on: November 04, 2020, 08:47:16 am »
Sorry not posting about fictitious election week news. 

Hi everyone. Thank you for checking on me.  I miss you. 

Ive been staying away from forums because I am crazy and can't even get a job because of it.  I have been applying and interviewing. Next one is tomorrow.  I don't interview well and struggle to disguise my contempt for the interviewer scrutinizing and belittling my life experience, compared to their personal viewpoint.

The last place was home hospice and healthcare, driving my own car place to place in WI snow for $7.25 /hr.  Part time.  They don't want me because she could tell I was a man no doubt considered me a liar because my legalities say female now.  And I'm pretty, dammit!! Maybe that's worse...  Truthfully I didnt want to risk my 30yr old car doing that for that pay anyhow. If I lose my car then I have to rely on services to get food, as there is no grocery store or bus for twenty miles. 

The libraries in my county have been closed since March, so there have been no public computers.  Many apps and application forms don't work on my phone.  Especially the corporate employment forms.  Matrix!!!

But I am the matrix (plz don't quote this line back at me)

Trying to sell stuff online although not able to ebay because I don't have a computer.  Tech says I can't link payments with phone internet.  I have some guitars that I love and play daily.  If all sold for good $, will cover one high volume electro hair clearing session (they said I'll need five)

The surgeon for GCS turned me down.  The consult was a ten minute blind phone call because their app didn't work.  The surgeon was annoyed by the questions we had prepared and also annoyed because I expressed frustration that their app didn't work.  A year of waiting and two professional letters, and because of a bad phone call, I am turned down and shut off from GCS surgery in the only system doing this with my insurance in this state.   The only question she asked me was my height and weight.  I told her 5'10" 167lbs.  So I don't think that was why I was rejected. I have to assume it's because I was mad that she couldn't even see me for my consult and couod only judge me by my voice ability.   I've been working using voice pitch app but obviously not enough because I was rejected as the male I am.  But maybe I'm obese by her judgement...?  I will keep losing weight until someone accepts me for surgery!!
I had three other consults lined up, and none of them accept my insurance. The next upcoming one just cancelled, even though they initially said I would be covered.   I was not allowed to self pay, not that I could have.

Wish I could move somewhere where electro is covered or just subsidized a little!!. But I'm in a very cheap apt in a rural area and barely making it here! I'd never make it a month in CA or WA.
Covid positive tests are increasing here now, delayed reaction I guess.

As suggested so long ago, i went to counselors for direction.  Three counselors in five years.  Each one promised they were a specialist in transitioning.  None of them knew much.  They have not helped beyond guidance towards name/gender marker change, and I am tired of wasting my life time.

I dropped 40lbs and am in the best shape of my life for surgery now. Now.  But my concerns remain hair removal, skin care, voice, and personality overhaul.  Employability.  Ability to be a part of a group or family or anything.  Years of isolation have made me something that other people cannot relate to, so they distance themselves.

My hair is growing nicely on my head these days.

Hope
Hi Maddie, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

Is your state Dept of Labor able too help with locating a job?

Good luck girl.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

« Last Edit: November 04, 2020, 10:26:59 am by Northern Star Girl »
Started HRT 1/3/2019




Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #707 on: November 04, 2020, 10:10:15 am »
Ok.
Going away again.
Sharing honesty (or what my mind says is honest) is why I have noone.

I am someone who should just smile and not talk or ask for help.  Really I'm trying to offer myself in any new way to help the world,  which has deemed me unessential

I'm smiling behind my mask i swear ?!!!!!!

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #708 on: November 04, 2020, 10:28:49 am »
Message received.

This forum was a safe place for me. 
I have too strong negative reactions to go to most internet, social media, and porn.  Viewing these windows is making me dark sad. So I can't look there.   No TV tubeyou netflux keep away it.  Too much for a magi

I see others get places.  I just want this too.  Am willing to drive and work.  Don't want to drink the tap water or be trapped in a net.

Time to grow up.  Take the mark.  Sacrifice salvation???? 

I'm told by people in the world that it's worth it. . Haven't heard back from those in Hell
Have you heard from the dead?
I don't care who you know if they don't know the answer

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #709 on: November 04, 2020, 06:13:18 pm »
Hey Maddie it's good to hear from you again. Sorry that things are rough for you. Wishing you the best.
Julie

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