Author Topic: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes  (Read 25335 times)

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Offline Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #700 on: October 12, 2020, 09:43:35 pm »
Hi Maddie,

I understand. I shared a lot on my blog and I think some people were turned off by what I shared. I had been doing some stuff lately (not the past 5 weeks as I have been in seclusion) that I will not share on Susan's because I feel it would be looked at by some as negative. Lets just say I am learning, lots of stuff. Some people have fantasies and I have live its. I have done some incredible things this summer.

I hope your summer was wonderful and you have an awesome Autumn.

I messed up in Portland Wednesday night and went off the straight and narrow. I am recovered now and rethinking my actions and motives. I wonder if every now and then I need a reminder I have a problem and need reminding. For me there is no half measure and I go to where I left off. Not my intent but the result.

Best,
Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #701 on: October 25, 2020, 10:45:41 am »
Just wanted to say hi Maddie and I hope you are doing well.

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Started HRT 1/3/2019




Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #702 on: October 26, 2020, 10:21:05 am »
Greetings Maddie.  I hope you are doing well. 

hugs, Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #703 on: October 26, 2020, 12:37:28 pm »
Hope you're doing well.
Julie

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #704 on: October 28, 2020, 07:55:22 am »
Hi Maddie, thinkin' of ya, hope you are well  :)

Cynthia
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #705 on: November 04, 2020, 08:05:00 am »
Sorry not posting about fictitious election week news. 

Hi everyone. Thank you for checking on me.  I miss you. 

Ive been staying away from forums because I am crazy and can't even get a job because of it.  I have been applying and interviewing. Next one is tomorrow.  I don't interview well and struggle to disguise my contempt for the interviewer scrutinizing and belittling my life experience, compared to their personal viewpoint.

The last place was home hospice and healthcare, driving my own car place to place in WI snow for $7.25 /hr.  Part time.  They don't want me because she could tell I was a man no doubt considered me a liar because my legalities say female now.  And I'm pretty, dammit!! Maybe that's worse...  Truthfully I didnt want to risk my 30yr old car doing that for that pay anyhow. If I lose my car then I have to rely on services to get food, as there is no grocery store or bus for twenty miles. 

The libraries in my county have been closed since March, so there have been no public computers.  Many apps and application forms don't work on my phone.  Especially the corporate employment forms.  Matrix!!!

But I am the matrix (plz don't quote this line back at me)

Trying to sell stuff online although not able to ebay because I don't have a computer.  Tech says I can't link payments with phone internet.  I have some guitars that I love and play daily.  If all sold for good $, will cover one high volume electro hair clearing session (they said I'll need five)

The surgeon for GCS turned me down.  The consult was a ten minute blind phone call because their app didn't work.  The surgeon was annoyed by the questions we had prepared and also annoyed because I expressed frustration that their app didn't work.  A year of waiting and two professional letters, and because of a bad phone call, I am turned down and shut off from GCS surgery in the only system doing this with my insurance in this state.   The only question she asked me was my height and weight.  I told her 5'10" 167lbs.  So I don't think that was why I was rejected. I have to assume it's because I was mad that she couldn't even see me for my consult and couod only judge me by my voice ability.   I've been working using voice pitch app but obviously not enough because I was rejected as the male I am.  But maybe I'm obese by her judgement...?  I will keep losing weight until someone accepts me for surgery!!
I had three other consults lined up, and none of them accept my insurance. The next upcoming one just cancelled, even though they initially said I would be covered.   I was not allowed to self pay, not that I could have.

Wish I could move somewhere where electro is covered or just subsidized a little!!. But I'm in a very cheap apt in a rural area and barely making it here! I'd never make it a month in CA or WA.
Covid positive tests are increasing here now, delayed reaction I guess.

As suggested so long ago, i went to counselors for direction.  Three counselors in five years.  Each one promised they were a specialist in transitioning.  None of them knew much.  They have not helped beyond guidance towards name/gender marker change, and I am tired of wasting my life time.

I dropped 40lbs and am in the best shape of my life for surgery now. Now.  But my concerns remain hair removal, skin care, voice, and personality overhaul.  Employability.  Ability to be a part of a group or family or anything.  Years of isolation have made me something that other people cannot relate to, so they distance themselves.

My hair is growing nicely on my head these days.

Hope
« Last Edit: November 04, 2020, 10:10:39 am by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Wendi

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #706 on: November 04, 2020, 08:47:16 am »
Sorry not posting about fictitious election week news. 

Hi everyone. Thank you for checking on me.  I miss you. 

Ive been staying away from forums because I am crazy and can't even get a job because of it.  I have been applying and interviewing. Next one is tomorrow.  I don't interview well and struggle to disguise my contempt for the interviewer scrutinizing and belittling my life experience, compared to their personal viewpoint.

The last place was home hospice and healthcare, driving my own car place to place in WI snow for $7.25 /hr.  Part time.  They don't want me because she could tell I was a man no doubt considered me a liar because my legalities say female now.  And I'm pretty, dammit!! Maybe that's worse...  Truthfully I didnt want to risk my 30yr old car doing that for that pay anyhow. If I lose my car then I have to rely on services to get food, as there is no grocery store or bus for twenty miles. 

The libraries in my county have been closed since March, so there have been no public computers.  Many apps and application forms don't work on my phone.  Especially the corporate employment forms.  Matrix!!!

But I am the matrix (plz don't quote this line back at me)

Trying to sell stuff online although not able to ebay because I don't have a computer.  Tech says I can't link payments with phone internet.  I have some guitars that I love and play daily.  If all sold for good $, will cover one high volume electro hair clearing session (they said I'll need five)

The surgeon for GCS turned me down.  The consult was a ten minute blind phone call because their app didn't work.  The surgeon was annoyed by the questions we had prepared and also annoyed because I expressed frustration that their app didn't work.  A year of waiting and two professional letters, and because of a bad phone call, I am turned down and shut off from GCS surgery in the only system doing this with my insurance in this state.   The only question she asked me was my height and weight.  I told her 5'10" 167lbs.  So I don't think that was why I was rejected. I have to assume it's because I was mad that she couldn't even see me for my consult and couod only judge me by my voice ability.   I've been working using voice pitch app but obviously not enough because I was rejected as the male I am.  But maybe I'm obese by her judgement...?  I will keep losing weight until someone accepts me for surgery!!
I had three other consults lined up, and none of them accept my insurance. The next upcoming one just cancelled, even though they initially said I would be covered.   I was not allowed to self pay, not that I could have.

Wish I could move somewhere where electro is covered or just subsidized a little!!. But I'm in a very cheap apt in a rural area and barely making it here! I'd never make it a month in CA or WA.
Covid positive tests are increasing here now, delayed reaction I guess.

As suggested so long ago, i went to counselors for direction.  Three counselors in five years.  Each one promised they were a specialist in transitioning.  None of them knew much.  They have not helped beyond guidance towards name/gender marker change, and I am tired of wasting my life time.

I dropped 40lbs and am in the best shape of my life for surgery now. Now.  But my concerns remain hair removal, skin care, voice, and personality overhaul.  Employability.  Ability to be a part of a group or family or anything.  Years of isolation have made me something that other people cannot relate to, so they distance themselves.

My hair is growing nicely on my head these days.

Hope
Hi Maddie, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

Is your state Dept of Labor able too help with locating a job?

Good luck girl.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

« Last Edit: November 04, 2020, 10:26:59 am by Northern Star Girl »
Started HRT 1/3/2019




Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #707 on: November 04, 2020, 10:10:15 am »
Ok.
Going away again.
Sharing honesty (or what my mind says is honest) is why I have noone.

I am someone who should just smile and not talk or ask for help.  Really I'm trying to offer myself in any new way to help the world,  which has deemed me unessential

I'm smiling behind my mask i swear ?!!!!!!

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #708 on: November 04, 2020, 10:28:49 am »
Message received.

This forum was a safe place for me. 
I have too strong negative reactions to go to most internet, social media, and porn.  Viewing these windows is making me dark sad. So I can't look there.   No TV tubeyou netflux keep away it.  Too much for a magi

I see others get places.  I just want this too.  Am willing to drive and work.  Don't want to drink the tap water or be trapped in a net.

Time to grow up.  Take the mark.  Sacrifice salvation???? 

I'm told by people in the world that it's worth it. . Haven't heard back from those in Hell
Have you heard from the dead?
I don't care who you know if they don't know the answer

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #709 on: November 04, 2020, 06:13:18 pm »
Hey Maddie it's good to hear from you again. Sorry that things are rough for you. Wishing you the best.
Julie

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #710 on: January 14, 2021, 05:11:28 am »
Hi.
It's good to know people are glad to hear from.me.
Been afraid to post much here lately.  But I want you to know I am still here.  I am transitioning still and have been reading surgery info because I am fearful of making the wrong decisions with this.
Hugs

Online davina61

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #711 on: January 14, 2021, 08:27:17 am »
Hello dear, glad your fine as its been a while.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #712 on: January 14, 2021, 02:57:24 pm »
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Like many other members and your followers here on the Forums, I am indeed missing seeing and reading the frequent posts and updates that you once submitted regularly.

I am indeed constantly rooting for your success and happiness as you travel your transition journey, navigate life, and continue to search for aj ob and an occupation that satisfies your personal and financial needs.


I am sending you my Hugs and Hugs and Hugs....   
Best wishes to you, stay healthy, stay safe.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #713 on: January 14, 2021, 06:24:20 pm »
Maddie it is always good to hear from you!  I understand you're busy with your job and life in general.  Like Danielle, I too are rooting for you and your continued success!  You go girl!!

Judi
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #714 on: January 16, 2021, 07:24:21 am »
Nice to see your update here @Maddie

I read mostly these days online, not much typing from here, have a little time this morning catching up on this board  :)

Hope you are having a great day !

C
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #715 on: January 16, 2021, 03:11:01 pm »
Hi Maddie,

I am happy you posted. I was thinking about you and where you have been.

Who is the in state surgeon that goes GCS? Do they do scrapping of the follicles with the procedure? I would assume yes but you never know. Perhaps thinking good thoughts and have a good thought montra for the interview and interview with the Doctor for GCS would help set the interview on a good foot.

I had 6 electrolysis sessions down there with numbing and Dr. McGinn did follicle scraping at GCS. The electrolysis machine was turned way up and my skin looked and felt it when they were done. I have no hair in my vagina. I am wondering if the instate doctor includes or could include the electrolysis with the GCS cost, especially if they require it. Then depending on your insurance it would be covered or partially covered.

Winter is not my season. Covid is really a drag on everything including the job market.

Hold in there and you will get through this, you are strong. Trans strong.

Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #716 on: January 21, 2021, 12:26:10 pm »
The surgeon in WI that turned me down was Dr Gast.  Waited a long time for that consult in Sept,  and all it was was a hurried ten minute phone call, no vid.  I didn't even know that I was rejected until I called the nurse the next day to schedule the surgery and hair removal that I was informed that Dr Gast said that I will recieve no services from UWisconsin.  Guess I failed the audition.  No offense, but she has no idea what her bad day cost me. 

My counselor for the past two years, who guided me to UWis, pretty much dropped me after that consult and we've never spoken again.  He did not try to reschedule me, as he had done every other session we had.  I assume he has a professional reputation and does not want to be associated too much with me after his letters and my HRT doctors were used to get me the consult.  She was the only surgeon in the US able to accept my insurance. 

This is my matrix.

Good news:

I have been working full-time at an Amazon warehouse since late Nov!  So far, ive not recieved benefits, nor been hired on permanently.    Plenty of overtime though.  Grateful that Im in good shape and healthy at this point.

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #717 on: January 21, 2021, 04:10:23 pm »
Hugs
Julie

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #718 on: January 21, 2021, 06:34:36 pm »
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
I was bummed out reading your bad news regarding your surgery consultation and the resultant fallout with your therapist.   

I am hoping and trusting that you can find an alternative surgeon that your insurance will cover.  Perhaps if and when you get a new therapist they will help you in that regard.

Try to stay positive in spite of this difficulty.....
- - - - - - - - -

Oh, I am so happy  that you are now working a job that can provide a decent wage for you.  Even though you are not on permanent status yet and do not have benefits, you are at least getting lots of overtime pay....  sock it away and save up for your future hair removal and subsequent surgery.

HUGS and HUGS,     :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #719 on: January 21, 2021, 06:36:24 pm »
HELLO Birthday Girl !!!! :) :icon_birthday:

Dear Maddie,
Wishing YOU
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.


***NOTE: On your January 22nd birthday be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

HUGS and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle

         
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

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