Author Topic: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes  (Read 19435 times)

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Offline madeleine

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #600 on: April 24, 2020, 06:32:13 pm »
I picked up a box of hair color that I think is close to my non-grey hairs.
Haven't used it yet, because of a bunch of natural curly hair care web blogs warning against using the cheap box stuff.  Interesting thing about the natural hair scene is that they talk about transitioning all the time, and they do not mean transitioning the same way as we do as transgender people.

It's snowing here

HeeHee. 

I hope you share photos of your new color.

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #601 on: April 25, 2020, 06:52:17 am »
Decided that the box of color can sit in my cabinet indefinitely. 
I am going to give my hair more time to grow in  at the hairline before bombing it with paint.
At some point I will hopefully get a trim and see if this improves health and growth.

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #602 on: April 25, 2020, 07:26:16 am »
I am going to give my hair more time to grow in  at the hairline before bombing it with paint.
At some point I will hopefully get a trim and see if this improves health and growth.

chem's can be harsh, wise move

good morning from here

C
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #603 on: May 12, 2020, 11:07:57 am »
Things seem unsorted and alien to me lately.
Sleep, diet, exercise all seem off.  My social connection online has strangely been much less throughout the covid "lockdown". Let me attempt to unalienate.

I log on less and less.  Follow less.

Focusing on recent progress:
-Made contacting inquiry with Dr Gast in Madison WI trying to set up a consult for GCS
-Booked an appointment in a few weeks with a different electrolgist than the one I've been with.  Thinking of it like a second opinion.
-Spoke at some length with a medical insurance benefits person and learned some insight of what it would take to get transitioning procedures covered

Progressing through trauma workbook.  Not a transition thing really, but it may be a key for me.
When I was given this book I denied having trauma and they said I was in denial.  Genius.  But literally true. So working on it now just in case they were right.

Also reading into spirit and old science behind my tai chi practice.
It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy,.  But that was there and then and this is here and now

Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2020, 12:53:58 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #604 on: May 12, 2020, 11:54:51 am »
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Oh, for sure, this coronavirus lock-down for us that are/were stuck at home unable to have a job or to socialize as we once did... can be quite depressing.   Fortunately as you indicated we do have the ability to keep in touch via our electronic devices... the old saying, "Bloom where you are planted" seems to be good advice....   you as a "garden" person know that if you keep uprooting and transplanting your flowers and vegetables that they will not flourish.

Regarding mis-spending your past life energy...  you can not change that, you have no control of your past, and your best move is to concentrate on your present and future actions and learning from past mistakes.

HUGS and best wishes to you .....
Danielle
« Last Edit: May 14, 2020, 12:55:46 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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Offline madeleine

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #605 on: May 12, 2020, 01:50:44 pm »
Things seem unsorted and alien to me lately.
Sleep, diet, exercise all seem off.  My social connection online has strangely been much less throughout the covid "lockdown". Let me attempt to unalienate.

I log on less and less.  Follow less.

Focusing on recent progress:
-Made contacting inquiry with Dr Gast in Madison WI trying to set up a consult for GCS
-Booked an appointment in a few weeks with a different electrolgist than the one I've been with.  Thinking of it like a second opinion.
-Spoke at some length with a medical insurance benefits person and learned some insight of what it would take to get transitioning procedures covered

Progressing through trauma workbook.  Not a transition thing really, but it may be a key for me.
When I was given this book I denied having trauma and they said I was in denial.  Genius.  But literally true. So working on it now just in case they were right.

Also reading into spirit and old science behind my tai chi practice.
It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy,.  But that was there and then and this is here and now

Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.

Hi Maddie,

It's easy to get out of sync with everything so weird, I know I have felt that way the last few days.  And I think it's great you are going through that trauma workbook just to be sure.  There are all kinds of trauma, I learned recently.  The kind we all know about, the really awful things which is big "T" trauma and little "t" trauma.  Try googling it, I certainly learned a lot.

Congrats on all the work you're doing.

« Last Edit: May 14, 2020, 12:56:15 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #606 on: May 12, 2020, 04:27:31 pm »
Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.

Indeed practicing mindfulness teaches us the joy of each passing moment, each breath, each step....

C
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #607 on: May 12, 2020, 06:05:51 pm »
Hi Maddie, I am glad you are making progress and plans. Some day the lockdown will end and I hope you have all that you need to move forward. The lockdown disrupts routines and time seams to have a different cadence.

The lockdown has disrupted my routines too. I recognized I need a routine that is a bit different to accommodate the change. I cannot go to the gym or hall because they are closed. So I am back walking the State park on the weekend.

I hope you can do just one thing new a week to keep it interesting and force a new routine.

Best,
Rachel
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar scheduled 10/13/2020

Offline madeleine

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #608 on: May 13, 2020, 12:31:46 pm »
Nice avatar pic!

Offline MikaelaA

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #609 on: May 13, 2020, 03:03:27 pm »

...It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy...


Hi Maddie,

I thought the same exact thing for a very long time until I figured out I was transgender.  Since, I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on everything I did and experienced up to that point and realized I would not be where I am now without all of those experiences that seemed like dead ends and a huge waste of time.  Now I'm able to be mindful and generally appreciative of who I am and truly be happy for the very first time in my life.  Even though I experienced an enormous amount of difficulty and sadness along the way, all I can think now is, what a beautiful life.  I wish all the best for you.


Hugs,

Michelle

Finally discovered the real ME: September 5, 2019
Started HRT: September 20, 2019
Out to my wife: October 25, 2019
Out to my closest friends and family: February 9, 2020
Out at work: July 31, 2020
Legal name change: September 29, 2020

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #610 on: May 13, 2020, 07:48:24 pm »
Maddie,
Danielle wrote "Regarding mis-spending your past life energy...  you can not change that, you have no control of your past, and your best move is to concentrate on your present and future actions and learning from past mistakes" and I wholeheartedly agree with her sentiment.  I never look back but am always aware of my past actions relative to where I am at the present.  You didn't mis-spend your energy.  You were preparing yourself for this moment. It sounds like you are making some sound choices.  I cannot say "good" choices as only you can determine that.  Know that I and many of your forum friends support you as you move through life.  Seize the moment!
Judi 

Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #611 on: May 14, 2020, 08:03:37 am »
Moving forward, meditation practice can help regather energy.  Say it so.

Don't want to be transgender.
I wanted to be a girl.
When I became adult, I said I wanted to be a woman, but really wanted to be a girl.

Don't want to be a part of a movement, or a chanting crowd.
I am not proud.

Still don't know where to go or what to do to manifest this
It's like I'm missing a chip.  It can't just be laziness. I swear I'm not that bad of a person.  Not going to call myself stupid.

I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl


Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #612 on: May 14, 2020, 08:13:29 am »
I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl

I'll just say it, you are a girl Maddie  :) You can accept that description if you'd like, I know I do...

Hugs and a smile your way

Cyndi
kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline Julie H

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #613 on: May 14, 2020, 08:44:53 am »
Moving forward, meditation practice can help regather energy.  Say it so.

Don't want to be transgender.
I wanted to be a girl.
When I became adult, I said I wanted to be a woman, but really wanted to be a girl.

Don't want to be a part of a movement, or a chanting crowd.
I am not proud.

Still don't know where to go or what to do to manifest this
It's like I'm missing a chip.  It can't just be laziness. I swear I'm not that bad of a person.  Not going to call myself stupid.

I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl

Hugs I kind of feel the same way
Julie

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #614 on: May 14, 2020, 12:18:56 pm »
carpe momento
I am  a girl!
Thank you for the hugs and support everyone.
I very much appreciate it these days!!

Julie Rabbit I've never seen a photo but I have thought that we were similiar yet different in this mess

Hi Maddie,

I thought the same exact thing for a very long time until I figured out I was transgender.  Since, I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on everything I did and experienced up to that point and realized I would not be where I am now without all of those experiences that seemed like dead ends and a huge waste of time.  Now I'm able to be mindful and generally appreciative of who I am and truly be happy for the very first time in my life.  Even though I experienced an enormous amount of difficulty and sadness along the way, all I can think now is, what a beautiful life.  I wish all the best for you

Thanks Michelle!  I wish all the best for you too. Positive that your life changed when you figured out you were "transgender".  I am that too probably...I'm actually thinking about having different lower body parts >:-)
Let's hope Judi's right - our life experience is not wasted, and possiby due to this you certainly aren't wasting time since your figuring :)
Post awareness - difficulty - sadness = + = **Michelle**
,...
Been avoiding tap water when at home for six years trying to clear my forehead. 
There is a serene artesian well a couple miles away next to a pond in the Amish countryside

Offline Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #615 on: May 16, 2020, 06:41:53 pm »
Hi Maddie,

I know what it is like to be stuck in destructive thoughts. I say destructive because it holds you back from progressing and it make you feel and relive the powerless struggle of out identity.

sum puella, I am a girl.

Making a plan and executing it is empowering. It does not have to be something elaborate or have 12 parts. It can be something as simple as going to group or wearing eye liner. Then add to the plan. Keep moving forward adding one thing a week then one thing every 3 days then one thing each day. Be comfortable with change and doing something new.

Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar scheduled 10/13/2020

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #616 on: May 27, 2020, 09:46:34 am »
Turning over depleted soil.

New appraising eyes will examine my roots today.
Assess my follicles

Birds eying up my hair for a nest.

Small groups continue to gather, and scatter when strangeness comes near.

Ready to fly away

Social distance is a tool and a perfect excuse.

Offline davina61

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #617 on: May 27, 2020, 10:58:34 am »
You need some fertilizer !! for the soul . XXXXXX look after yourself dear.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Rachel

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #618 on: May 29, 2020, 10:44:55 pm »
Hi Maddie,

I have to wear a mask at work and we are not allowed to wear makeup. I may have to wear eye shields so no eye makeup either. So in public at work I am behind a mask. When this all ends and I can wear makeup at work it will be like relearning all over again. It will be a bit awkward to wear makeup.

I agree being behind a mask is a bit like hiding. 
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar scheduled 10/13/2020

Offline Maddie

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Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
« Reply #619 on: May 30, 2020, 08:52:13 am »
Trying not to give up.

I was told at an electro consult on Wed that I have been ripped off and possibly permanently damaged by the electrolgist I've been seeing since 2015.  It was also pointed out that going intermittently, (as I have done due to lack of steady $), is not effective.  This person also told me that I have do much dark hairs  that the 12 laser sessions I had (at a different place 2017-18) should have definitely cleared them.... If I had been to a better tech or laser.

This new electro did not seem to be trying to get me to come to her instead.  In fact, she didn't seem interested in taking on my face.

If I knew of an excellent electro that is absolutely effective  against thick curly beard hairs, and willing to work on mine, I will put together my plan to relocate there.  What I need to do is put together a ton of money first, so that there will be no more stops and starts in my treatment.

My problem there is that my lifetime experience was as a male entertainer who booked myself.  So still trying to reinvent myself in my late 40s with no experience.  So far no luck even finding min wage unskilled stuff. 

Something will happen..  The universe just keeps telling me it's not where I live now.

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