Topic: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes

[davina61]

Happy birthday dear. XXXX

[Maddie]

Thank you ladies!
I bought stuff and made a giant sundae!!
Then I rode out a snowy day in a motel near work as a treat do I didn't have to drive so far.

By working I will lose the insurance I have, even if the work doesn't give insurance.
Hoping my car keeps running, as my job is not close.  With the exception of my birthday motel, I'm saving everything I can.  At the wage I'm earning, it will take at least ten more years to do hair removal and surgeries..I'm 49 now and it's been a long time.  I need to continue to live life as me.  I really did try to do this all along.  They said I was crazy and wouldn't help me.  Now kids and prisoners and Canadians get surgeries all the time.  But still not me.
I'm confused.

Grateful I'm alive and hope.  I have been denied so much but still have had more time than Ann Frank got.

[Maddie]

Good things: gratitude list. 
I will probably think this is insensitive and selfish after I post it.

I'm in the 160s weight range.now.   This is ok because I am muscular and my bone marrow is infused with chi metal.

Fitting into a decent range of women's size clothes and shoes.

Blending in with women.  Passing.  Not stealth passing usually.  More like acceptability passing

I have conversations all the time in the ladies room at work.  Even with supervisors and people that used to just roll their eyes and avoid me..  Still not as comfortable in the break room.   I think people are eaccepting me maybe more than I accept myself.  Men talk to me and I'm trying to learn from women.  So many kinds of people.

Enjoy hearing people speak different languages and asking them about where they came from.

I like my curly hair but really need to pretend to hate it when girls hate their flat hair.  Or thin hair. 

Not having much T to deal with.  This was miserable and humbling before, but now feels like a gift looking back.

It's all a trade people.

Crying alot for good important human heartfelt reasons.

My little sore banged up boobies.

[Maddie]

Everyonr on this thread.  Online acquaintances on forums who share in the life of strangers

The people and cats in my real  life now

Grateful to have life.  I love my name and my legalities

[RandyL]

This is a good list of positives, Maddie. Hugs! Randy

[JudiBlueEyes]

Dear Maddie, that was a nice positive post.  You are right that life is all a trade.  We get some and we give some.  I love your name too!!  Being accepted as the person you are is a wonderful gift form others.  I also enjoy hearing other tongues and learning about the places people have come from.  We are all interconnected.

Hugs,
Judi

[Maddie]

Mr Tomato keeps coming back.

Anytime there is stress, which includes almost anytime I'm working under the scrutiny of other people.

She is too quiet.  He imposes his voice over hers.
This is a problem.

Another thing hurting my passing is that I carry many personality traits of my mother.  These traits strangely make me come across toxic masculine apparently when I do them.  Not just mom, but modeling after other strong assertive women is not working.  So far.

Mostly it's voice and expression challenges.

Riding the storm out.

[TonyaW]

Hey Maddie, a late Happy Birthday wish to you.  Hadn't heard from you in a bit,  should've checked here sooner.

Glad to hear work is going well.  About time they made you permanent though isn't it? 

[Maddie]

Hi Tonya.

The word on the big HR dry erase board is that they have paused all conversions of seasonal to permanent employees.  However I've noticed that they have in fact converted several people during this time But when asked, they deny knowing anything about it.

Out of over a hundred seasonals who started before the holidays, there's like 30 of us left.  So it's not just me.
Hard to say what happened to everyone else.  They're just not there anymore.   
Now they push us harder and harder, while the permanent employees watch with amusement, compassion, or indifference.
Keep us confused and in the dark about everything.   

Going into thirteenth overtime week in a row.  Every day is a first day rush audition. Until I'm hired I continue to drive 3 hrs/day commute.

I've done makeup and hair every day.  I tuck and wear leggings and tight jeans. 
Conversations in the women's room, even between stalls.   
Try and fail daily voice and postures.
I am a slow polish stone.
What a weird life.

[CynthiaAnn]

May you have a mild winter this year Maddie....

Hugs

C

[Rachel]

Hi Maddie,

It sounds like you are busy and assimilating. Both are very good. Making money and being active are two wonderful things. For us, being ourselves and in a work setting is very important.

You are a woman. You are working hard. You are making money. If the job works out you could move closer. If fully accepted ( I feel I am at work) it would be wonderful. Having funds for transition is necessary.

I am happy for you.