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Offline Angela H

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Thinking about giving up
« on: July 22, 2019, 09:38:45 pm »
Hi everyone

To start my post I want to give a summary of my background. I was assigned male at birth and grew up in a fairly conservative Mormon family. I wanted to be a woman all my life, but I wasn't sure if my feelings were genuine and that I'd rather be happier as a woman or if my unhappiness was more related to my social awkwardness and anxiety. I had practically no friends (and I didn't really want any; they were too much work) and was something of a shut-in that played video games all day long.

Early last year at age 32 I decided that I couldn't go on any longer as a guy and that if I didn't transition I was going to kill myself so I came out to my family and started hormones. And it was amazing at first! They felt so right and having people gender me correctly was such a rush! I didn't pass, but I was confident that I'd figure everything out and I'd get where I needed to given enough time.

Except that high didn't last. As the months dragged on and progress slowed I got more discouraged. When I still would occasionally get misgendered no matter how good I thought I looked it was devastating. And when I was realized that even though I was starting to pass I was still unhappy with my body I felt defeated. I developed an eating disorder and I became moody and frequently depressed.

Now I just want to stop trying. I want to give up and go back to playing video games. I'd stay on the hormones and keep my plans for surgery. But I'd probably stop wearing makeup and obsessing over my appearance. I'd stop exercising and dieting. I'd stop trying to socialize.

I want to be a woman more than anything in the world. Actually going through the process of transitioning has crystallized that need in my mind; I'm as sure about this as I possibly can be. But I don't pass for myself and it's so, so hard to look at myself in the mirror or see myself in photographs and see all the ways that I'm not really a woman. Everyone tells me I look great. I don't know what I need, I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my appearance. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop hurting.

Edit: Just so there's no confusion: I'm not considering detransitioning or stopping my transition. But I struggle with all the pressure I'm under to pass and the crushing disappointment when I feel like I'm not passable enough. I'm wondering about maybe just not trying to pass anymore and telling people that I'm nonbinary femme. At least then I'd feel like less of a failure...
« Last Edit: July 23, 2019, 10:53:56 am by Angela H »

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2019, 10:00:37 pm »
What are your plans after you transition?


Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2019, 10:16:42 pm »
Angela, it sounds as if you are frustrated results aren't coming fast enough, but you've only been on HRT for just over a year. It can take a few years for the changes to occur, so patience is your answer. Pull back, give yourself time to grow, and stick to your plan. You will get there.

Allie

Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2019, 11:09:51 pm »
Try passing as male. You may find it doesnt work. You might be passing well.

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Offline Angela H

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2019, 11:28:48 pm »
What are your plans after you transition?

I want to travel and see the world. I want to find a sensitive guy who accepts me for who I am and get married and adopt a kid together. I want to finish my degree and get a nice job and my own house.

Angela, it sounds as if you are frustrated results aren't coming fast enough, but you've only been on HRT for just over a year. It can take a few years for the changes to occur, so patience is your answer. Pull back, give yourself time to grow, and stick to your plan. You will get there.

Allie

I hear this a lot Allie. Everyone says that I should be patient, but I can't understand what I'm waiting for. My enormous rib cage and huge shoulders are what give me the most dysphoria (along with my narrow hips) and I know that hormones can't do anything about my skeletal structure. So, how can waiting on hormones do anything for me?

Try passing as male. You may find it doesnt work. You might be passing well.

I assume that for this experiment I would still talk like a woman and wear a wig, because with my extensive male-pattern baldness and natural baritone there's no way anyone would read me as a woman otherwise.

Here, judge for yourself:



I think that even with the pink fingernails I would be read as male if I went out like that.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2019, 11:47:37 pm »

I hear this a lot Allie. Everyone says that I should be patient, but I can't understand what I'm waiting for. My enormous rib cage and huge shoulders are what give me the most dysphoria (along with my narrow hips) and I know that hormones can't do anything about my skeletal structure. So, how can waiting on hormones do anything for me?



Angela, I also have a large upper body, and small hips. I have lost over 40 pounds since starting HRT earlier this year, and have gone down 1 size in my upper body (I'm still 2 -3 sizes different top to bottom). I know muscle wastage will probably drop me another size on top, and hopefully, female fat deposits will bring me up a size down below. This should put me just a size different top to bottom, and selective dressing should give pleasing results. I also know I need to wait at least another couple of years before all this happens! My body shape is also my dysphoria trigger, and I did think for a long time that it was a hopeless dream to ever pass as a woman. Now, I can see a path which might work. If it doesn't, I will modify my goals, but I will never give up! You are committed to stay on HRT, just give it a couple more years and see where it gets you! What have you got to lose?

Here is where I'm coming from!

Allie

« Last Edit: July 23, 2019, 03:45:20 am by Allie Jayne »

Offline sissieme

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2019, 12:17:33 am »
Angela H,  I love your intro and can relate to your feelings. I have to tell you though, I am envious of your position. I experienced similar feelings to yours only I was in my 60s! I have felt female all of my life. I doubt seriously that I would ever pass without female facial surgery. I conditioned myself to look in mirrors only when i had to, but then i enjoy having breasts, wearing female clothing, and displaying those breasts even as a male. I have been on herbs for 2yrs and using a breast enlargement system. my new measuring bra says I am a 42D on 6'3", 200 lb frame. I will be going to dr tomorrow to start hrt. I would like to "go all the way". With all of the work you have put into this so far, do you really want to go thru it again to get back to where you are now? Be as happy as you were to be on this journey as you progress to who you are. Lots of support here. hugs and kisses. Sissie

Offline Rachel_Christina

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2019, 03:33:16 am »
Going out like that you would most definitely be read as a male, If they see the nails it might away them down the thought of gay, but that is as far as it goes.

But as regards your face, it is definitely not the most masculine in the world.
If you have lost hair it is unfortunate. But there are ways passed that. Many here have little to no hair and deal with it.

But I do understand your struggle. I know for a fact with how my own mind was, if I had lost hair I was not for going down this route atall. Actually won't elaborate on all the things that would have ticked me over the edge.

I prayed every night I would stay feminine, and I think someone listened.

Offline Casady

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2019, 05:13:16 am »
Quote
Here, judge for yourself:

I see a feminine face in that photo! And body-wise, I wouldn't say you look all that masculine either. Give it longer and, however you choose to present in the short-term, try not to put your life on hold when it comes to things like finishing your degree.

I'm transitioning a bit later in life than you and for me things aren't happening as fast as I would like either. However, I still amaze myself at what has changed and what I have achieved. As Allie says, it's just a case of modifying goals accordingly and what have you got to lose?

Casady


Offline Angela H

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2019, 10:50:55 am »
Thanks for the responses Allie. I can tell that you're a strong woman and very brave. I hope you have good results with your transition. You're a good person and you deserve to be happy.  :)

Angela H,  I love your intro and can relate to your feelings. I have to tell you though, I am envious of your position. I experienced similar feelings to yours only I was in my 60s! I have felt female all of my life. I doubt seriously that I would ever pass without female facial surgery. I conditioned myself to look in mirrors only when i had to, but then i enjoy having breasts, wearing female clothing, and displaying those breasts even as a male. I have been on herbs for 2yrs and using a breast enlargement system. my new measuring bra says I am a 42D on 6'3", 200 lb frame. I will be going to dr tomorrow to start hrt. I would like to "go all the way". With all of the work you have put into this so far, do you really want to go thru it again to get back to where you are now? Be as happy as you were to be on this journey as you progress to who you are. Lots of support here. hugs and kisses. Sissie

Thanks Sissie. I'm really surprised that you gained D cup breasts on just herbal supplements, that's amazing! I've been on hormones now for 15 months and my A cup bra still hangs loosely on my chest  :(

To be clear, I'm not considering going off hormones. No matter what happens, I won't go back to the way I was. Even if I decided to start presenting as a guy and using male pronouns again I love the changes the HRT gave me way to much to give that up.

Going out like that you would most definitely be read as a male, If they see the nails it might away them down the thought of gay, but that is as far as it goes.

But as regards your face, it is definitely not the most masculine in the world.
If you have lost hair it is unfortunate. But there are ways passed that. Many here have little to no hair and deal with it.

But I do understand your struggle. I know for a fact with how my own mind was, if I had lost hair I was not for going down this route atall. Actually won't elaborate on all the things that would have ticked me over the edge.

I prayed every night I would stay feminine, and I think someone listened.

I'm really, really grateful for your input Rachel! When I started losing my hair at 20 years old I gave up on my dreams of transitioning and life in general. I felt like my soul was dying and it was only now over ten years later that I realized what an enormous mistake I made then. If I had started hormones right away I probably would have gotten a lot of my hair back!

Honestly I pass very well in a wig. In the past month or so I've only been misgendered one time and they quickly corrected themselves after I started speaking to them. But that's not the person I see in the mirror; I see that boy in the picture I posted earlier. My wig is not my true hair no matter how much I wish it was. It's so heartbreaking.  :(

I see a feminine face in that photo! And body-wise, I wouldn't say you look all that masculine either. Give it longer and, however you choose to present in the short-term, try not to put your life on hold when it comes to things like finishing your degree.

I'm transitioning a bit later in life than you and for me things aren't happening as fast as I would like either. However, I still amaze myself at what has changed and what I have achieved. As Allie says, it's just a case of modifying goals accordingly and what have you got to lose?

Casady



Thank you very much for the response Casady! I try to stay positive honestly, it's just that time eats away at me...

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2019, 11:35:54 am »
Angela H,  I love your intro and can relate to your feelings. I have to tell you though, I am envious of your position. I experienced similar feelings to yours only I was in my 60s! I have felt female all of my life. I doubt seriously that I would ever pass without female facial surgery. I conditioned myself to look in mirrors only when i had to, but then i enjoy having breasts, wearing female clothing, and displaying those breasts even as a male. I have been on herbs for 2yrs and using a breast enlargement system. my new measuring bra says I am a 42D on 6'3", 200 lb frame. I will be going to dr tomorrow to start hrt. I would like to "go all the way". With all of the work you have put into this so far, do you really want to go thru it again to get back to where you are now? Be as happy as you were to be on this journey as you progress to who you are. Lots of support here. hugs and kisses. Sissie

Hi, sissieme!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2019, 11:44:19 am »
I've been on hormones now for 15 months and my A cup bra still hangs loosely on my chest

Oh, I hear you, hun.  I've been on HRT for two and a half years.  My first couple of bra fittings were disappointing.  Although I measured as an A cup, I couldn't fill any of the 38As they had in stock.  I suspect their chart didn't go as low as a 38AA, because that's what I was.  I ended up wearing a 36B with an extender.

In the last six months, I think I might have filled out to a genuine A cup, but I am almost afraid to go back for another fitting in case I'm not there yet.

When I look in the mirror, I have to ignore my hairline.  I am way too thin on top to be passable without a hat or a wig.  I keep my own hair a little bit long at the back (though still short enough to tuck under a wig), and I fluff it out so it is visible behind my ears.  With that and the silver ear studs that I always wear no matter what I am doing, my mirror image is okay as long as I don't look up top.  (Or down below when I step out of the shower, but that's another story.) 

I did notice some nice resculpting of my lips and eyes after a few months, which I look for in the mirror to take my mind off my hairline.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Online Devlyn

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2019, 11:54:20 am »
The highest hurdle is gaining self acceptance. After that, everything clicks into place. You haven't achieved it yet.
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Offline Rachel_Christina

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2019, 12:09:56 pm »

I'm really, really grateful for your input Rachel! When I started losing my hair at 20 years old I gave up on my dreams of transitioning and life in general. I felt like my soul was dying and it was only now over ten years later that I realized what an enormous mistake I made then. If I had started hormones right away I probably would have gotten a lot of my hair back!

Honestly I pass very well in a wig. In the past month or so I've only been misgendered one time and they quickly corrected themselves after I started speaking to them. But that's not the person I see in the mirror; I see that boy in the picture I posted earlier. My wig is not my true hair no matter how much I wish it was. It's so heartbreaking.  :(



I honestly cannot begin to imagine what I would have done without my hair. It kept me sane and got me through the years as a "man" having even that few inches kept me going!
At the same time maybe if is started to loose some it would have caused me to panic and come out sooner.

Oh well life is life and stuff probably happened for a reason.
Honestly not much will be achieved from dwelling on it.
Though I do understand that is easier said than done :/

As for wigs, it must be a tough thing to come to terms with. The removing them at the end of the day must be difficult :/



Offline Maddie

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2019, 12:33:52 pm »
Now I just want to stop trying. I want to give up and go back to playing video games. I'd stay on the hormones and keep my plans for surgery. But I'd probably stop wearing makeup and obsessing over my appearance. I'd stop exercising and dieting. I'd stop trying to socialize.

Angela, I don't like video games and never played them. 
But am good at wasting time other ways, so I get your point :)

Wouldn't it be better off to keep exercising and eating less, even if cutting back on makeup, obsession, and socializing?  Just in case things turn around for you-plus you'll stay in your best shape for the medical treatments you mentioned you are going through and have planned.

Looking at the photo you posted, its zero surprise to me that you usually pass with hair and maybe some girly clothes.
I get that what you're struggling with here is passing versus yourself.

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2019, 12:59:23 pm »
Angela H...you have a gorgeous face girlfriend...I can tell from your facial structure. You are going to turn out as a super hottie woman, please don't give up. Remember it takes cis girls years to develop and we are no different...

Stay in the game, you are going to be amazed what comes. H O T T I E.....on the way and nothing less.

As far as the hurting goes: I feel the same way sometimes. I think there are times when we feel lost, hopeless, lonely, un-chosen, and we get depressed because social factors all play a part in our happiness. When I start to feel like that I pack my stuff and head to Denver CO and socialize with my gay friends and other trans friends. I have a nightclub/bar where I know like 15 to 20 people and they all want to know how transition is going. Once I'm all back to center I head home. Maybe visiting SP and talking with other like-minded friends will help you!

This girl reminds me of you...she took 7 years.

Best of luck sweetie, please don't quit because your looks because I see a complete hottie about to emerge.

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
8-14-2019 New Drivers License issued with correct gender
9-5-2019 Social Security card updated
10-12-2019 Birth certificate updated
2-22-2020 One year HRT

Offline chloe_h

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2019, 01:43:42 pm »
Hi Angela, I just want to agree with what some others have said about your photo... that while you're dressed kinda masc in that phto and would most likely be read as a guy right then, you have a lovely face with really gorgeous eyebrows and lips which will help you a lot to be read as female when you present with a little makeup and your wig. Only you know how much effort you want to put in but I'm absolutely sure you will be seen as a very pretty woman with time, pracrice, and HRT...

Offline Sonja

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2019, 06:37:01 pm »
The highest hurdle is gaining self acceptance. After that, everything clicks into place. You haven't achieved it yet.
@Angela H

Hi Angela,

What Devlyn said is true.  You need to focus on accepting yourself as you are now and the changes as they come.
There are many women in the world who are not feminine looking - but - they are still women. Their soul and spirit are feminine, their life experiences are of a womens. I work with many women with my job and at least half of them don't wear makeup or wear overtly feminine clothes but they are still women because appearance does not define their gender. My wife puts on makeup every morning, she often finds it laborious but still - she makes the effort and she always looks beautiful and helps her feel confident and good about herself  - but when she takes it off  -she is still a women.

If you place too much emphasis on a women being appearance only you might miss the bigger picture here. There are many facets to being a women and physical appearance is only one of them.

From your photo I think you have beautiful eyes, a lovely nose, great lips and beautiful skin - you're an attractive feminine looking person, who happens to be on a long journey called 'transistion' and a bigger journey called Life.

I would encourage you to seek out the spiritual and soulful side of your femininity and nurture them, when you do that you'll find more conviction in what you know yourself to be.

I hope this helps,

Take care,

Sonja.

Offline Angela H

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #18 on: July 23, 2019, 08:37:28 pm »
The highest hurdle is gaining self acceptance. After that, everything clicks into place. You haven't achieved it yet.

By which you mean I should just be okay with being half a woman? Sure, that's better than nothing, but it isn't what I wanted...

Angela, I don't like video games and never played them. 
But am good at wasting time other ways, so I get your point :)

Wouldn't it be better off to keep exercising and eating less, even if cutting back on makeup, obsession, and socializing?  Just in case things turn around for you-plus you'll stay in your best shape for the medical treatments you mentioned you are going through and have planned.

Looking at the photo you posted, its zero surprise to me that you usually pass with hair and maybe some girly clothes.
I get that what you're struggling with here is passing versus yourself.


Yes, exercise helps me feel better. Thank you very much for the compliments! I really appreciate it!

Angela H...you have a gorgeous face girlfriend...I can tell from your facial structure. You are going to turn out as a super hottie woman, please don't give up. Remember it takes cis girls years to develop and we are no different...

Stay in the game, you are going to be amazed what comes. H O T T I E.....on the way and nothing less.

As far as the hurting goes: I feel the same way sometimes. I think there are times when we feel lost, hopeless, lonely, un-chosen, and we get depressed because social factors all play a part in our happiness. When I start to feel like that I pack my stuff and head to Denver CO and socialize with my gay friends and other trans friends. I have a nightclub/bar where I know like 15 to 20 people and they all want to know how transition is going. Once I'm all back to center I head home. Maybe visiting SP and talking with other like-minded friends will help you!

This girl reminds me of you...she took 7 years.

Best of luck sweetie, please don't quit because your looks because I see a complete hottie about to emerge.

Sophia
Hi Angela, I just want to agree with what some others have said about your photo... that while you're dressed kinda masc in that phto and would most likely be read as a guy right then, you have a lovely face with really gorgeous eyebrows and lips which will help you a lot to be read as female when you present with a little makeup and your wig. Only you know how much effort you want to put in but I'm absolutely sure you will be seen as a very pretty woman with time, pracrice, and HRT...

Thanks, I'm glad that all of you are trying to help me. It really does make me feel better. Just talking about this and knowing that other people get it too helps me feel a little less <bad>

Offline Linde

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Re: Thinking about giving up
« Reply #19 on: July 23, 2019, 09:16:22 pm »
By which you mean I should just be okay with being half a woman? Sure, that's better than nothing, but it isn't what I wanted...

Wo decided that you are only half a woman?  Just ecause the picture you see in the mirror?  Well, you know that we see something there that we are afraid to see, others don't see it.  I bet when the two of us look into the same mirror at the same time, i see a young woman, while you see 1/2 of a woman, because your brain lies to you!

When  look into my mirror, I see an old hag, while others tell me that   look pretty darn good for my age.  I have the same lying mirror you have!