Topic: Thinking about giving up

[Angela H]

Wo decided that you are only half a woman?  Just ecause the picture you see in the mirror?  Well, you know that we see something there that we are afraid to see, others don't see it.  I bet when the two of us look into the same mirror at the same time, i see a young woman, while you see 1/2 of a woman, because your brain lies to you!

When  look into my mirror, I see an old hag, while others tell me that   look pretty darn good for my age.  I have the same lying mirror you have!

You're pretty awesome Linde. Thanks for this 

[zirconia]

When I started losing my hair at 20 years old I gave up on my dreams of transitioning and life in general. I felt like my soul was dying

I understand that feeling. Probably my greatest fear ever since puberty was losing my hair. I decided very early that if I would recede beyond a certain point it would be the end of my every dream of ever being myself. A wig simply would not be the same.

Yes. To actually have it happen must have been absolutely heartbreaking.  (｡-_-｡)

[Kirsteneklund7]

I want to travel and see the world. I want to find a sensitive guy who accepts me for who I am and get married and adopt a kid together. I want to finish my degree and get a nice job and my own house.

I hear this a lot Allie. Everyone says that I should be patient, but I can't understand what I'm waiting for. My enormous rib cage and huge shoulders are what give me the most dysphoria (along with my narrow hips) and I know that hormones can't do anything about my skeletal structure. So, how can waiting on hormones do anything for me?

I assume that for this experiment I would still talk like a woman and wear a wig, because with my extensive male-pattern baldness and natural baritone there's no way anyone would read me as a woman otherwise.

Here, judge for yourself:



I think that even with the pink fingernails I would be read as male if I went out like that.

I know what the deep baritone is like. That can be addressed! It sounds like if your hair issue was addressed the options would open right up!

 Pardon my ignorance, but what about hair transplant and hairline advancement ?
 
 I cant help but think you have big potential to pass in the end. Also 2 years of steady hormones seems to do stuff. Stuff well beyond initial expectation.

 I started out very masculine looking. I always get read male but things are getting an ambiguous edge after  1.5 years of consistent HRT.

 I think you will do better.

 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Faith]

... <snip> ...
Here, judge for yourself:



I think that even with the pink fingernails I would be read as male if I went out like that.

Male yes, in that particular photo. However, regarding your body shape, I'd love to have narrower shoulders like you do. Give yourself time.

Here is my body shape for comparison.

My shoulders are significantly wider than yours - although, not as readily apparent in that particular photo.  I'll try to get some physical measurements for you to compare. FYI, my hip area is slightly wider than it was a year ago.

[Kate.claire]

Hi Angela, 
I’ll join the chorus of girls telling you to be fair to yourself.  Your challenges with respect to body type appear to be more along the lines of “we are our own worst critics” than real problems.  At least from the picture,  your shoulders and hips ratio are not particularly extreme for a male.  So many girls are doing so much more starting with so much less.  It’s hard to do,  but quiet that critical voice,  it’s lying to you.  My wife probably has a similar build,  plays sports and has zero h

You can see signs that your face is feminizing... you posted a picture that has you dressed pretty male.  There are only a handful of girls without surgery that could do that and not look more like their former male selves.  It’s just a presentation game. Look at the online before and after of so many girls... the after always has them in full makeup and hair and outfits,  which tricks your brain into overestimating how much they’ve changed... they have changed... to be sure... but maybe not all that much more than you have in just 1 year.

And the baldness thing... you have options, I went bald enough by 23 that I shaved my shoulder length hair and never looked back... just owned it. They’re expensive,  but for $200+,  you start to get a lot of wig options that look great.  Alternatively,  grow the sides out and get a topper only to keep the heat issues down.  If you dye your hair at a hair salon so they are blended together... no one will ever know.

Keep your head up,  it’s a long road and you have way more advantages than you think over many of us. Definitely more courage than I have, I wouldn’t post a picture of myself in any mode after 10 months.  We all have our demons to fight.

[Angela H]

Thanks Kate and everyone who responded, but I think you misunderstand me. Looking back over my original my post I can see I didn't make this clear but I do pass now. I pass very well actually, that picture I posted was in response to Kirsteneklund7 challenging me to try to pass as male and see if I could pull it off. Obviously I still can, even though I've thrown away every piece of clothing from before I started transitioning.

In the past couple months I've been misgendered twice, both times from a distance and both times they corrected themselves when they got a closer look at me.

My problem isn't passing, it's that I feel like I'm wearing a costume. Or putting on an act. I'm performing the role of being a woman, but I'm not one. When I come home at the end of the day and take off my wig and padded bra I see a boy in the mirror. Does that make sense?



This is what I normally look like when I'm out in public.



But this is what I see when I look in the mirror.

[kaygee]

I want to be a woman more than anything in the world.

Angela. I cannot stress this enough. You are a woman.

The French feminist philosopher Simone de Beauvoir, in Second Sex, stated that One is not born but becomes a woman.

… it's that I feel like I'm wearing a costume. Or putting on an act. I'm performing the role of being a woman, but I'm not one. When I come home at the end of the day and take off my wig and padded bra I see a boy in the mirror.

Are you seeing a counselor?

Before giving up, I would hope you do get counseling. I believe it would help you sort out your feelings.

Warm hugs, girl.

[Dena]

After seeing you picture, you need to let somebody else be your mirror. What I see is a fairly feminine face that nearly passes even without your wig. On the other hand, I looked at the larger image and I see a good deal of fuzz on the top of your head. It's possible as time goes on you will regrow a fair amount of your own hair. How much, I can't says but some members have reported a good deal of regrowth.

Sometimes it takes a long time before we see the woman in the mirror but it you keep working at it, some day she will be looking back at you.

[Alice V]

I'm performing the role of being a woman, but I'm not one. When I come home at the end of the day and take off my wig and padded bra I see a boy in the mirror. Does that make sense?

Then don't look in mirror and focus on feel and accept yourself. Why did you started transition if not because you felt yourself fem? Time to remember that feeling.

[sissieme]

AngelaH, Sorry i wasn't more detailed in my breast program....just herbals? no. so much more. i do all of this sitting in a simple comfortable wooden chair.  a"religious"(minimum once daily- 1 to 1 1/2 hrs every morning) 450(and increasing) rotational massages on each breast along with warming with a heating pad before and between each group of 150. after, with heating pad held to chest, i lean forward so breasts are low, warm 2 - 3 min. then place noogleberry cups while still bent over for most blood in breasts, then vacuum, hold for 7 - 10 min sitting up.  followed by warming, etc.etc. i was a swimmer with large pecs and a well endowed mother. When you look in the mirror, have a smile on your face and look into your eyes.

[Maddie]

Hi Angela.  It's been a while. 
Concerned and sorry that  you are feeling hopeless. And that you feel like you took irreversible steps. 
Maybe you took those steps in that way so that you wouldn't turn back when you feel like this?  Burned bridge tactic. 
I am not sure what operation you had, in any case sounds very serious the spot you are in now.
If you've felt this way for six months straight nonstop I can understand why you are expressing yourself in French.   If you ever feel up to it, maybe consider sharing what went wrong with your surgery,  and how you are failing as a woman.  Maybe your experience can help somebody, or vice versa.  Maybe there is still hope for you in this life.
Hugs