Author Topic: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now  (Read 1701 times)

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Offline F_P_M

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2019, 04:52:36 am »
my own mother is a huge misandrist as well. She constantly makes remarks about how men are useless and stupid and so on. it's always irritated me.
When I had my kids (yeah I have kids lol) she was a bit upset that I had sons because, and I quote "I don't know how to handle BOYS!"
because apparently a penis completely changes your personality or something.
She's a wierd lady.

Thankfully exposure to my boys I think has helped her realise that boys and girls aren't that different after all, particularly my youngest who's hugely gender non conforming. I think the realisation that young boys and young girls are as different as any individual is has helped her a lot.

But she's still massively sexist. I mean she tries, since I came out she's really been trying BUT she still refers to me as "daughter" and forgets.

I'm not sure WHY these women end up in relationships with men when they appear to hate them so much. I mean it's bizzare.

I'm sorry your mother is being difficult. I hope you can get her to see how much she's hurting you. I don't think parents MEAN to hurt their kids, but it always hurts so much when they do. I've been let down badly by my own parents over the years and i'm not sure you're ever fully okay with that, it feels like betrayal you know?



Offline golden_ocean

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2019, 01:02:36 pm »
Hi everyone @Sarah (dm) I have my own place but as I am still at university (last year) I am still dependent on my parents support. They support me but it sometimes seems a bit "practical" .

@Rick No, I am not her only "daughter" . I am the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother who are only a few years older. I get along with both but have unfortunately only little contact w/brother as he isolates himself and is not "someone who would contact you" .

I just feel like my parents (more my mum) never talk about personal things. I feel like it is more formal than in other families. More like "what did you do" but not enough "how do you feel about this or that" . But it is not her mistake - she grew up in a conservative family and unfortunately adopted this way.

@F_P_M  yes, she sounds (at first sight) similar to my mum. :D I have wondered about that too (why marry a men then). But in their view this is "how it should be" . Having a boy has not really helped her, I think.

I am doing okay right now but kinda feel stuck - don't know what to do.

I have decided that I will talk to my parents in person on Saturday (courage needed).

Offline thornbird11

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2019, 04:09:34 pm »
Hey golden_ocean,

OMG I feel so sorry to hear about your mother's mindset. Is she aware what she's doing to you by saying things like that? :( She's supposed to support you, instead of making you feel so bad about your transition.

I just can repeat what others said here before: The most important thing is that YOU are happy with your life, that YOU feel "right" about who you are. And if YOU think, you'd be happier as a man, then go for it.

Maybe your therapist can help you. Does he/she know about your mother's comment? If so, what does he/she think about it? Is it okay for you that you see your therapist only every six weeks? If you need him/her more right now, you may ask for a shorter interval.

Greetings from a fellow German,
Mim
"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."
(Carol Burnett)

Ricki Wright

Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2019, 04:40:29 pm »
I send you courage, and hope. I believe that as an adults we need to live our lives in the way that makes us happy. I hope you will too.

Hugs,

Ricki

Offline golden_ocean

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2019, 05:22:17 pm »
Hey golden_ocean,

OMG I feel so sorry to hear about your mother's mindset. Is she aware what she's doing to you by saying things like that? :( She's supposed to support you, instead of making you feel so bad about your transition.

I just can repeat what others said here before: The most important thing is that YOU are happy with your life, that YOU feel "right" about who you are. And if YOU think, you'd be happier as a man, then go for it.

Maybe your therapist can help you. Does he/she know about your mother's comment? If so, what does he/she think about it? Is it okay for you that you see your therapist only every six weeks? If you need him/her more right now, you may ask for a shorter interval.

Greetings from a fellow German,
Mim


Just figured out how to quote! :)

My therapist does not know about my mother's comment (I might e-mail her in the next couple days). She knows however, about mother. I am not "against" my mother just the way she approaches things. The therapist told me, too that it is my life and that I should "steer" it. Maybe I feel like that I am too occupied* by my mother in this regards (and possibly others). I don't know whether my mum is aware about what she is doing for me but she wants the [near] "ideal" life for me I guess - which I cannot give her (even now).

It/Her remark has affected me I must say. Now I am afraid that I could possibly make a mistake (but not thinking differently about myself as before - I still cannot identify with females but rather with males). I feel like I just wanna hide in a shell for now. I just don't know what to do now. This sentence has been popping up in my mind: "Should I just accept the body I was born in and try to live the best I can".

I really need to take some time and "re-examination". I will update in the next few days and I am always open to reply to questions.

Thanks,

Ricki Wright

Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2019, 06:26:36 pm »

Just figured out how to quote! :)

My therapist does not know about my mother's comment (I might e-mail her in the next couple days). She knows however, about mother. I am not "against" my mother just the way she approaches things. The therapist told me, too that it is my life and that I should "steer" it. Maybe I feel like that I am too occupied* by my mother in this regards (and possibly others). I don't know whether my mum is aware about what she is doing for me but she wants the [near] "ideal" life for me I guess - which I cannot give her (even now).

It/Her remark has affected me I must say. Now I am afraid that I could possibly make a mistake (but not thinking differently about myself as before - I still cannot identify with females but rather with males). I feel like I just wanna hide in a shell for now. I just don't know what to do now. This sentence has been popping up in my mind: "Should I just accept the body I was born in and try to live the best I can".

I really need to take some time and "re-examination". I will update in the next few days and I am always open to reply to questions.

Thanks,

I can guarantee you will make mistakes. You are a human being. I do not believe your transition would be one of them and here is why I believe that. You went to all the medical steps needed to start HRT, you would continue without family doubts, and other things you have said clearly indicate you are not happy with the sex you were assigned.

So many of us here fought hard to live as our assigned sex and ultimately failed after decades of trying. This can lead to feelings of intense sadness that we missed being able to be ourselves for our 30s and 40s. You have that chance, and we would hate to see you sitting on the bench where we are now with regrets.

No mater what you decide to do, you will meet mean people, and you will make friends. The only difference is your friends will not get to meet you, the real you, if you choose to force yourself into a gender that you do not agree with. You would basically be lying to the world, so would that really make you their friend?

I am still hoping you chose to be happy in your skin.

Hugs,

Ricki

Offline golden_ocean

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #26 on: October 05, 2019, 03:39:30 pm »
Hello all,

so a week ago, I decided to continue transitioning (as I will regret not doing it) and I have been on testosterone for a week now.

I am generally doing good but there is a kind of mental pressure in my head; still thinking that I am going to disappoint my mum - also I am a bit scared (maybe of the transition itself?) (but think it is the right decision for my life). Has one of you ever been scared? Moreover, university is soon gonna start and everybody is gonna notice and I might have to explain .... :/

I still don't have my mum by my side (support; and I so wished she would accept my way of living (even before not taking t I was often criticised for not fitting into the female picture; however, I will probably get even less acceptance now in the future) but I need to go my own way. However, how can I get rid of these "headaches" that seem to follow me around? Is that normal? They are not constant and I would not call them headaches but some kind of mental pressure.

I have an appointment with my psychologist next week. Sometimes I also think I am scared of life (again not constant).

Ricki

Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #27 on: October 09, 2019, 07:58:10 pm »
Hello all,

so a week ago, I decided to continue transitioning (as I will regret not doing it) and I have been on testosterone for a week now.

Quote
I am happy for you!!

I am generally doing good but there is a kind of mental pressure in my head; still thinking that I am going to disappoint my mum - also I am a bit scared (maybe of the transition itself?) (but think it is the right decision for my life).
Quote
When you were born, your mum had hopes for your life. Your life however, is not going to allow those hopes and dreams to happen. Hopefully she can come up with some new ones for you and take joy in those. If not, that is her cross to carry, not yours.

Has one of you ever been scared? Moreover, university is soon gonna start and everybody is gonna notice and I might have to explain .... :/
Quote
I recently accepted a new job. At the end of the phone call the HR person said "have any questions?" I asked if they were LGBT friendly enough that I could mention I did not like my deadname and if I could use my preferred name? The answer was a resounding "Yes!". I have been in a war zone and less afraid than I was asking that question. Fear is just our mind telling us to pay attention because we need to be careful about what we are doing, or planning to do. Due to a number of different things, a bit of caution and extra attention is a good thing while in transition. 

I still don't have my mum by my side (support; and I so wished she would accept my way of living (even before not taking t I was often criticised for not fitting into the female picture; however, I will probably get even less acceptance now in the future) but I need to go my own way. However, how can I get rid of these "headaches" that seem to follow me around? Is that normal? They are not constant and I would not call them headaches but some kind of mental pressure.
Quote
Have a good cry. Cry about your mum not supporting you, Cry about the pain that got you to this point. Cry that you do not have the body you should have had. Then Cry with happiness that you have a path forward. Also, the happier you are with your transition will show her that this was the right choice for you. What loving parent does not love seeing their children living happy lives?

I have an appointment with my psychologist next week. Sometimes I also think I am scared of life (again not constant).
Quote
Welcome to adulthood. As children we are told where to go, as adults we are handed a compass and told to find our way.


Big Hugs!

Ricki

Offline Linde

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Re: Afraid - my mother's comment scared me - stopping transition for now
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2019, 08:10:43 pm »
Ricki said it perfectly!
There is nobody on this forum who was not scared to death at one or the other point of our transition!
And crying helps the soul.  Not to long ago i cried for an entire day just to let everything out!

You can do it!


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