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In a tough situation

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Hi everyone, so I just rediscovered this forum recently and I've been having a bit of a gender crisis recently. I feel very strongly that I may be MtF and I'm finally comfortable exploring these feelings.

The problem is that I can't anywhere really. Not even at home.

I live with my girlfriend and I haven't told her yet, and this is the big problem. I told her back in 2017 when we were still living apart, and she tried to be supportive but ended up falling flat and saying things like "I wish I had my boyfriend back" and making comments about how I might not pass. Eventually it got so bad she was begging me to "figure it out" regarding my gender identity, so I just caved and suppressed the feelings again like I used to and we continued dating.

Btw I wasn't able to properly explore my gender then either because I was under my republican Mom's roof sharing a room with my younger brother.

Now a about a month ago I got super depressed I thought it was because of our relationship issues but these feelings just all came back full force. Now, mind you, the feelings have been on and off since I 'suppressed' them again. But now it's  unavoidable.

Thankfully I have an amazing friend who I am out to that is fully supportive of my journey of self discovery so I have someone to talk to and somewhere to go if things go worse for wear.

The problem is that I don't even know how to tell my girlfriend again. All it took was an "I'm confused" that caused her behavior before. I don't even know what to do. She has since apologized for it because she knows it was wrong, but idk how I can trust her in this situation.

She does have abandonment problems from her parents in the past, and it's also important to note that she is trans MtF. So there may be experiences that she had that I can't relate to that would cause her to put me down over my gender crisis back in 2017. I really think it was because she was so desperate to have someone that she would do or say anything to keep them because she was scared of being alone.

Despite all that I do love her, but she has declared herself 100% straight. So our relationship is over  if I come out as MtF. I can deal with that, and I'm also still finding myself I might just be gender fluid or something. Regardless, I'm going to do some soul searching the next few months. And then I am making a decision. I will HAVE to tell her then. Probably December or January.

Despite how awful this may all sound. I don't hate her or resent her, I am scared for her. She could make it single in this life, but her support system is almost non existent. Pretty much 90% of the time I am her support and I would hate to devastate her. She also is currently unemployed (shes working on it) uninsured, and I pay everything (which I'm okay with right now, but if I told her now about my feelings it would probably cause a lot of friction. So I'm at least planning on waiting for one of her interviews to work out) 

Sorry for the rant. But I am at a loss and could use some advice on how to handle such a delicate situation.

What do I do? How do I tell her?

Allie Jayne:
Hello justanotherperson! Looking at your situation, I really think you need to see a gender qualified psychologist to determine if you are trans or have other issues. Once that is established, and you are diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, you will know what is in your future. If you don't have GD, you will have lots of options, but if you do have GD, transition is probably inevitable. Your girlfriend is a straight woman, no matter what her background, and she needs a straight man. If you are going to transition, you will almost certainly break up anyway, so maybe better before things get more complicated. If you are not GD, maybe you can work out a way she can have a straight relationship with you, albeit might include some crossdressing from time to time.

In any case, you will not know until you are properly diagnosed, so that should be your first step!


I guess, if you have reached the end of the road, just tell her.

I realized there were other transgender people at age 28. I had never heared of them before. I know, I’ve been living under a rock.

I pushed it away. I ended up psychotic and locked up for 6 months. When I was finally myself again it came back with full force.

I had been married to a man for 15 years. One day we just sat in the sofa, playing on our phones. I gathered courage and just told him. Just like that. ”I’m transgender FTM.” He was surprised. But took it well. Later on he’s declared he is straight and will leave when I get more male features and change my name. Only future will tell how it goes.

I don’t know if you are a letter writer or a talker. Find a way that fits you. You need to tell her. Don’t eliminate yourself for her. You can still be her emotional support as a friend, if she accepts that.


Hey Allie and Tony,

Thanks for your kind words of support. I was having a tough night last night and almost didn't post that, but my emotions got the better of me. However. I'm glad they did, I need to talk about this and get it out before I end up breaking later down the line.

I think I really ought to see someone asap. It's just so scary because in a way that makes the situation more real than it already is.

Once again thank you both so much, I'm not used to people being so understanding!

It IS scary in the beginning. It all becomes too real. But it gets better and easier with time if you talk about it.

Opening up is painful and terrifying. We’ve all been there.



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