Author Topic: FTMs, do you consider transitioning NOT an option?  (Read 422 times)

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FTMs, do you consider transitioning NOT an option?
« on: August 15, 2019, 03:37:53 pm »
This is for the FTM trans people. Trans men, transmasc.

I'm curious if you consider transitioning not an option? Because I don't. I'm not looking for someone to post solutions, but I don't have anyone in my life that can take me to surgeries or help me with them during the healing process.

I don't want to trigger peoples dysphoria so i won't go into details but i have very personal reasons for not wanting to transition and take HRT. Do any other guys or FTM enbies feel this way currently too?

Offline F_P_M

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Re: FTMs, do you consider transitioning NOT an option?
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2019, 06:30:43 am »
I go back and forward over it constantly. Is it worth the massive upheaveal? Is it worth potentially ruining relationships and giving myself and my partner a more difficult time of it (as we'd no longer present as a straight couple and thus have all the nonsense that goes with being a same sex couple and all the prejudice and bigotry there)
Will he still find me attractive? Will my kids accept me? Will my parents ever actually adjust to the idea that i'm their son and not their daughter and stop treating me like a cross dressing girl?

Is it worth the drama? the stress? The pain?

and on days where i'm feeling relatively stable and okay I start to question myself, I start to doubt my desire to move forward and something in me pipes up "is how you are really THAT bad?"

I admit, there's elements of femininity and "female privilage" (for want of a better term) that I WILL miss, a lot. The way in which women who are strangers to one another communicate and support one another, being able to talk to children without suspicion, being seen as quirky and wierd and a bit awkward rather than creepy.
Being able to talk to men and women freely and without any sort of discomfort.
Being able to ask for HELP without being judged for it.
Being able to dress however I want, because women can wear men's clothing and not be seen as odd while a man in a dress? Ooo eeee.

Sometimes I wonder if i'll give myself social dysphoria if I change the way society percieves me.
Right now i'm treated as an eccentric tomboyish woman and that's actually fine, my dysphoria is entirely physical after all, but as more people shove male expectation upon me, will that become harder to tolerate?

It's scary because I just don't KNOW.

My life situation is such that "male privilage" really doesn't come into it. At all. And given i'll be becoming a fairly obvious gay guy to those around me (despite being bi) i'm gonna get a whooooole lot of prejudice instead.

the fact that hate crimes against lgbt people are at an all time high scares me too.

And I wonder if it's all worth it.

given I don't have social dysphoria, is it worth it?

And I just don't know.

If I could wave a wand and just have the body i'd like and there were no social considerations i'd do it in a heartbeat but there's all these other factors to consider and that makes me pause.

I feel responsible, obligated to think of others ahead of myself.
and at the end of the day, i've lived over 30 years in this form, I can probably manage it a little longer.
Least that's what my brain tells me when i'm feeling stable and not in the throws of a desperate episode.
when i'm in that bad place though? I can't wait a single day longer.

I dunno.

It's exhausting. Honestly i'd love clarity and stability and certainty but those don't seem to be things you really GET with transition till you take that leap of faith.
And i'm not the sort of person who likes to take blind leaps. I'm too analytical and my overactive sense of responsibility kicks in and I feel selfish and wrong for putting myself ahead of everyone else.

and it's rough because I know logically that I need to help my mental health but it's hard to push yourself into doing something you still keep telling yourself is selfish.

I really don't want to rock the boat. It frightens me. I'm too scared of losing what I have.

Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: FTMs, do you consider transitioning NOT an option?
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2019, 04:04:01 pm »
There would have had to be a good reason. If it were something like not having someone there at the hospital I would have found a way round it because there must be one around that.

Transition is going to complicate your life. I would suggest it is a last resort, as it was for me. Particularly if you get stressed just thinking about it. It's not the path of least resistance, it's the path of more and requires - should I say - a fighting spirit. I wouldn't blithely recommend it to someone who ultimately sees more problems than solutions in it, or is not sure about doing it, or who would be in danger from others or themselves by doing it.

Personally I had no trouble doing it so far. It was at the beginning when I first considered doing it that I experienced the most personal resistance to the idea. But I will say before and after are two completely different mental worlds. You might be the same person, but it is not the same place. There will be things you will miss. There will be things you wish were not a part of it but are. There will be times when you notice just how alone you are because of it. There may be clarity from it that pains the mind, because the mind has never seen reality so clearly before.

It's an ordeal of sorts and it's not for everyone. You should only do it if you both want and need it and are ready for it.

My life would be simpler had I not done it. But it would have continued to be less comfortable and I would have continued to dwell in a brain fog that obscured even from me the relaxed and focused version of my Self. In my experience the inevitable complexity becomes easier to compartmentalize and handle when the mind is running on male hormones. That's a problem that effectively solves itself. What it doesn't solve is how the world morphs around you, how your relationships shift because your status has shifted. But again, that is easier to handle when the mind is free of the latent female anxiety estrogen brings, that has you constantly worrying what other people think about you. Almost all of that, including depression and a habit of getting bogged down with intrusive thoughts is now gone.

For me, that makes it worth it. I'm a self-centered and inner-directed individual so the problems others might have about my transition doesn't much concern me. For someone more engaged with the world and with feedback from others, you are going to be more affected by the consequences of a transition. Ultimately, one's nature, personality and place in the world should be a major consideration as to whether or not you do it.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2019, 06:29:40 am by Paul Muad-Dib »