Author Topic: I regret my coming out  (Read 1129 times)

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Offline lostone92

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I regret my coming out
« on: August 20, 2019, 12:55:32 pm »
Quite some time ago I already posted a thread about non transitioning approach, but one big change happened. I came out. Firstly to my girlfriend, than to some close friends, Mother and sister. I attended support groups, counselling and started process for transition. I shaved my beard and slightly altered my clothing style. However, while the initial trill was present I felt way better, but lately I feel worse again and feel that it was all a massive mistake. I am not even sure if I am really trans or I Just have crossdressing kind and mild gender insecurities. I am obsessing over all this for at least 15 year, but was never really sure.

All in all, I feel that I want take back my coming back to everyone except my girlfriend and I feel that I Just ruined my image in front of other people for a phase/confusion.

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2019, 01:41:56 pm »
@lostone92
Dear LostOne92:
There is no "one-size-fits-all" cookie cutter answer to when and how a transitoner "comes out" .... Obviously there are unique relationship and employment issues that must be considered regarding the timing of such an announcement.   What you are describing is something that many members here have had to deal with.

Your continued involvement in your support group is important but also regular discussions and appointments with your Gender Therapist will help you to navigate this mine field of emotions.  You did not mention that you are meeting with a therapist of any kind, so if that is the case I would like to suggest that you get a first appointment soon.  If gender therapists are not avialble in your area there are certainly good general therapists that will help get you started dealing with the issues...

I am wishing you well and I will be looking for your future postings to check on you.

Best Wishes,
Danielle


 
Quite some time ago I already posted a thread about non transitioning approach, but one big change happened. I came out. Firstly to my girlfriend, than to some close friends, Mother and sister. I attended support groups, counselling and started process for transition. I shaved my beard and slightly altered my clothing style. However, while the initial trill was present I felt way better, but lately I feel worse again and feel that it was all a massive mistake. I am not even sure if I am really trans or I Just have crossdressing kind and mild gender insecurities. I am obsessing over all this for at least 15 year, but was never really sure.

All in all, I feel that I want take back my coming back to everyone except my girlfriend and I feel that I Just ruined my image in front of other people for a phase/confusion.

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
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Offline lostone92

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2019, 02:49:44 pm »
@lostone92
Dear LostOne92:
There is no "one-size-fits-all" cookie cutter answer to when and how a transitoner "comes out" .... Obviously there are unique relationship and employment issues that must be considered regarding the timing of such an announcement.   What you are describing is something that many members here have had to deal with.

Your continued involvement in your support group is important but also regular discussions and appointments with your Gender Therapist will help you to navigate this mine field of emotions.  You did not mention that you are meeting with a therapist of any kind, so if that is the case I would like to suggest that you get a first appointment soon.  If gender therapists are not avialble in your area there are certainly good general therapists that will help get you started dealing with the issues...

I am wishing you well and I will be looking for your future postings to check on you.

Best Wishes,
Danielle


I visited gender therapist for more than a year, but I didnt get any significant help from them. I will try to avoid stuff or something. So I cancelled my next app, which was supposed to be with my sister and next psychological tests. Both are steps toward transition which was a mistake.

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2019, 02:56:07 pm »
I visited gender therapist for more than a year, but I didnt get any significant help from them. I will try to avoid stuff or something. So I cancelled my next app, which was supposed to be with my sister and next psychological tests. Both are steps toward transition which was a mistake.

@lostone92:
All of what you stated revolves completely around your unique experiences, relationships, etc.... 
....you are the one that is in charge of decisions regarding your plans and desires. 

There are lots of opinions out there but I would encourage you to seek out another or different therapist at least one more time.
Best Wishes,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Dena

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2019, 06:10:44 pm »
I am somewhat confused by reading your post so I have a few questions. You don't need to tell me the answers but you should answer the questions for yourself. You said after you changed a few things you felt better but then you felt worst. Is this because dysphoria appeared again? If so, it's normal for dysphoria to return when a transition stalls out. If you felt worst because of social pressure, what was the pressure? The classic tests are if you had to live on an island by your self, would you bring male or female clothing? The second test is if you had the magic button that when you pressed it, it would turn you into a female, would you press it?

Last, you might want to explore “the transition channel” . These are the questions that should be asked in therapy. If they haven't, you should consider a different therapist, one more experienced treating people who are transgender.
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Offline lostone92

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2019, 02:25:18 am »
 :angel:Ok, perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I do have my fair share of problems connected with gender & sexuality, but I am not trans. What made me realize that is that I would hate being a old woman even more than being a old man (I am deeply scarred of aging anyway). I have some jealousy of good looking women, I like to imagine myself as a woman when I am aroused, and I have some insecurities about my manliness, despite the fact that I am pretty masculine person. My mother for example didnt even forced boy's toys into me as she wanted me that I pick my own interests and I chose boy's toys on my own and even got into conflict with my parents when they didn't want to buy me toys. My problems with gender started with puberty, when I wasnt sure if I was envious of women or only attracted to them, I was very bad at sports and I developed gyno. When I was later researching the topic o line, mostly due to my raise in depression, I came across some stories of trans women which have had some simmilarities to my own. It is also worth noticing that I have some performance anxiety in the bedroom and that I preffer non penetrative sex, which is probably consequence of my long term porn addiction which also started around puberty; mostly lesbian and female domination porn.

This have had lead me to thinking that I am trans and I entered therapy and was apparently convining enough for my therapist that they sent me forward in the process (I can't chose another gender therapist in my area). This convinction lead me to came out and people were mostly surprised. My fiancee thought that it is all a bad joke, my Mother really didnt believe me and all friends were like <I don't understand>. It was something that nobody around me expected, as they all considered me a masculine guy. I did that anyway, in my best attempt to do the right thing. However, slowly I have had begun to feel worse and all my actions seemed like a big mistakes. Idea of being a old Grandma one day filled me with anxiety and the idea of being treated differently was scarry as well. I was fairly indifferent to pronouns. I Just still have some jealousy of pretty woman and depression, but I wouldnt call that a full blown dysphoria.

Because of this my coming out seem like a big mistake and something that I should have never donne. Now I am mostly worried how to explain that to People to whom I came out and how to put my life back into normal.

Offline Radiant

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2019, 04:35:11 am »
I have leapt out of the closet a couple of times only to jump back in when I started to feel convinced I was over being transgender.  At the time I felt pretty embarrassed, but I've also realised, I don't need to be.  Dealing with gender issues is not an easy thing to do, and it can take a long time to get to the bottom of what's going on and how we think and feel about it.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2019, 10:52:41 am »
There was a time in the beginning of my transition when something similar happened to me...At first, I was so thrilled to finally figure out what was wrong with me that I wanted to take steps to transition as soon as possible, and one of the first things I did was come out to people. I still lived and looked like a man, hadn't even started hormones, but I felt this urge to tell people, it was my way of dealing with the anxiety of having to wait to "become" a woman. But then 4 or 5 months later, different events in my life led me to believe that I didn't want to transition; I still recognized myself as trans but I was exploring the possibility of staying somewhere in the gender spectrum that didn't require me to physically or socially transition. And I started regretting having come out to people, I felt embarrassed, I felt like a joke, like I had ruined my life...I was very anxious, regretful and depressed, no matter what I did I felt like life would never be the same. And thankfully, it wasn't... it took me some more soul searching to realize that I did in fact want to transition. I kept taking my hormones and took different steps to become who I am today.

The point to this is, whatever you decide to do, you happiness comes first and I'm sure you'll figure it out. Having doubts about transitioning is completely normal and if you one day realize that you're indeed trans, then it will all make sense. If you definitely realize you're cis, then don't worry about what other people say or think. The ones who love you and care about you will only want your happiness and will probably brush this under the carpet if nothing happens.
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Offline Dena

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2019, 07:30:34 pm »
I really can't say. You give off non binary signals as well as binary female signals. If you're on a blocker, that is a likely suspect as it can kill the urge to transition. We have members who use HRT to suppress the urge to transition because they aren't ready to transition or because it buys them time to clean up the details of their previous life. At least in some countries it's an alternative to remain on HRT and avoid the transition. It's doing the minimal amount to remain comfortable in life.

You could discuss this with  your doctors and attempt to quit HRT and see if the dysphoria comes raging back. If it does, you  know the hormones are making you comfortable and then it comes down to remaining on HRT with an optional transition.

In my case, the dysphoria was sufficiently bad that a transition wasn't an option. I didn't care if I ended up ugly as long as I was an ugly woman. I may not be attractive but I turned out better than expected.

It would probably be best not to state your transgender at this point because you still have a little exploring to do. After you know for sure, you can tell the others but for now you should work with a therapist and figure out the effect HRT is having on you.
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Offline lostone92

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2019, 12:49:48 am »
I really can't say. You give off non binary signals as well as binary female signals. If you're on a blocker, that is a likely suspect as it can kill the urge to transition. We have members who use HRT to suppress the urge to transition because they aren't ready to transition or because it buys them time to clean up the details of their previous life. At least in some countries it's an alternative to remain on HRT and avoid the transition. It's doing the minimal amount to remain comfortable in life.

You could discuss this with  your doctors and attempt to quit HRT and see if the dysphoria comes raging back. If it does, you  know the hormones are making you comfortable and then it comes down to remaining on HRT with an optional transition.

In my case, the dysphoria was sufficiently bad that a transition wasn't an option. I didn't care if I ended up ugly as long as I was an ugly woman. I may not be attractive but I turned out better than expected.

It would probably be best not to state your transgender at this point because you still have a little exploring to do. After you know for sure, you can tell the others but for now you should work with a therapist and figure out the effect HRT is having on you.

I am not on hrt, never was. Here my therapist is just checking if you fill the criteria to transition and thats it. Also I am already to quite few people as a trans woman, but I feel that I made a mistake and that I am a guy after all.

Offline caritas

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2019, 05:44:13 am »
I'm really sorry to hear about this difficult situation.

I hope you can see it as all part of a process, and one where you don't know the destination and that's ok.

It can sometimes feel embarrassing to make a big announcement and then change course. But there's really nothing wrong with it -- and most important, life goes on! People announce they are getting married but then break off before they do (or after they do), people tell people they are moving to another country or changing jobs and then decide differently.

It sounds like who you are when you wrote this post is not in line with how you presented yourself to people when you came out, and that disconnect is causing dissonance/problems... but they are problems you can deal with. I don't know the full situation but it might be as easy as giving people a heads up ("I've been having some second thoughts about my transition, and I'm not sure what direction or what speed I'm going to take things gender-wise, but I appreciate having your support to be fully who I am, even as that changes over time.")

Which brings me to

> my Mother really didnt believe me and all friends were like <I don't understand>

I'm really sorry! That sucks. Having this "community" that is hostile to your exploration or possible transition has got to make the process so much harder. I hope you can find some supportive folks, and I hope your friends and family do come around over time to support you better. If nothing else, I hope you know you deserve better! There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing course and over time coming to better know the complex and nuanced person you are.

Offline LizK

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2019, 07:18:22 am »
I'm really sorry to hear about this difficult situation.

I hope you can see it as all part of a process, and one where you don't know the destination and that's ok.

It can sometimes feel embarrassing to make a big announcement and then change course. But there's really nothing wrong with it -- and most important, life goes on! People announce they are getting married but then break off before they do (or after they do), people tell people they are moving to another country or changing jobs and then decide differently.

It sounds like who you are when you wrote this post is not in line with how you presented yourself to people when you came out, and that disconnect is causing dissonance/problems... but they are problems you can deal with. I don't know the full situation but it might be as easy as giving people a heads up ("I've been having some second thoughts about my transition, and I'm not sure what direction or what speed I'm going to take things gender-wise, but I appreciate having your support to be fully who I am, even as that changes over time.")

Which brings me to

> my Mother really didnt believe me and all friends were like <I don't understand>

I'm really sorry! That sucks. Having this "community" that is hostile to your exploration or possible transition has got to make the process so much harder. I hope you can find some supportive folks, and I hope your friends and family do come around over time to support you better. If nothing else, I hope you know you deserve better! There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing course and over time coming to better know the complex and nuanced person you are.
Hi @caritas

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Great to see you jumping and offering support. Sounds like you have your own questions surrounding transition. I hope we are able to give you support if you need it. Please feel free to have a look around and ask questions if you are unsure of anything.

Please feel free to head over to our Introduction forum and tell us a little bit about yourself

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members. This provides information about when you can post avatars, send private message and the general rules of the forum. 

Regards

Liz

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Offline Listlesswanderer

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Re: I regret my coming out
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2019, 04:25:38 am »
I am not on hrt, never was. Here my therapist is just checking if you fill the criteria to transition and thats it. Also I am already to quite few people as a trans woman, but I feel that I made a mistake and that I am a guy after all.

Hi Lostone92, I have a lot of empathy for you as I was in a similar situation recently. I actually hired the therapist behind the Transition Channel and it was an interesting experience--I would rather speak to you about in a personal message than publically, but if you consider hiring her I encourage you to send me a message first.

I started to come out to my wife first and it was incredibly tumultous and frankly ended up becoming a situation that made me feel like transition was a fate worse than death due to the emotional response my wife had to it. I applaud you for telling your girlfriend you are experiencing these feelings, I would not rush to label anything yet as it seems whatever our feelings are society wants to also impose filters upon us that lead to great confusion regardless of imperfections of our emotional impulses alone.

For me when I came out to everyone the responses were not what I thought (other than my wife), most were obsessed with the idea of bottom surgery, or reflected that it was most certainly a "choice". With my wife's resistance being so strong, I ended up going back in the closet--I never came out at work (which now feels strongly like a blessing given that I have absolutely zero progress towards anything other than the status quo), and as for my family (as far as everyone but my mom, who wouldn't believe me, but oddly we have a weird enough relationship to where I am cool with it--also she's super liberal anyway) I was able to cover up the transition idea with an excuse.

For me I had happened to be on a weight loss drug (I have high blood pressure and weight loss helps; real reason was to look more feminine, but again with the closet cover) and it triggered an actual manic episode (apparently a side effect of it) and so I blamed the drug and everyone went back to their lives.

So now I am at a point of non-transition, non-therapy, and oddly not roiling with self-hatred (the non-reaction of most family members was comforting, even if likely a false negative as I did zero presenting with them).

I do not suggest this, but I want you to know with some creativity you can put back the genie, even if everyone will still be a bit leery of your actual intent--

tl/dr; you can take it back if it really bothers you, but you still have to deal with it, just worry about you don't worry about other people's labels on what you are.

Life moves fast? I remember when I couldn't wait for the day at school to end, and now I count in years for my life to change.

Time is all we own, and it is preciously wasting.

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If only I had someone to hold my hand...

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