Author Topic: Born Trans VS Became Trans?  (Read 2414 times)

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Offline John406

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Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« on: August 28, 2019, 12:20:30 am »
So I suppose the overarching question that I have in my life now is, "Why am I trans?" ...I think I pretty much know the how of it, even if I might still be trying to come to terms with it...but I still have no clue WHY I'm trans?

My parents taught me it was something someone became, (they're traditional-thinking right-wingers though, and may have been ignorant of the actual science of it.)

As am I. I am ignorant of why I am the way I am, and this question has literally colored my entire life and I'm sick of not having an answer lol. Maybe I never will. If I was born this way, why was I born this way? Maybe it's because my dysfunctional parents were full of drugs and alcohol when they had me, (seriously, it's kind of a miracle that I can even think or speak at all; the way that party went, it's lucky I don't BARK lol.)  :D

But if it was something I became, why did I become trans? Maybe it was because my father was never around, leaving me to be raised by my mother, sister, and all their girlfriends. I dunno. *flips a coin into the air*  :laugh:

Offline Dena

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2019, 12:34:31 am »
Nobody knows for sure but research suggest that exposure to testosterone before you're born causes you to develop a male identity. The lack of testosterone results in a feminine identity. Testosterone is produce by the gonads however DES which is no longer used could suppress testosterone production.

We are pretty sure that your identity is set at birth and it only becomes a matter of what age you figure it out. Some know at 3 or 4 and others take until they are senior citizens. Commonly puberty is a trigger but not always.
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Offline Lexxi

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2019, 12:44:01 am »
What Dena said! Here's something else to think about...current research into brain scans has shown that the brains of trans individual more closely resemble the brains of the gender we identify as. Exp. I'm MTF so my brain scan would resemble that of a cis female. A trans man's brain scan would look like that of a cis male.

I hope researchers continue this line of study. Maybe one day they can positively identify what caused so many of us to be trans.
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Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2019, 02:14:54 am »
I had read that in 2013 a research published a paper on the results of dissecting over a hundred brains, where he proved that the section of the brain which controlled gender identity was proportionately smaller in women than men. He also had a small sample of transgender women brains, and found the same results as cis women. The sample of trans brains was too small to draw a reliable conclusion, but it was felt worthwhile to mention on the paper.

By 2015 researchers from around the world had added enough other tests on trans brains to get the scientific community to agree that the results from the original study applies to trans subjects, and as a result the WHO removed GID from the list of psychological disorders and had it added to the list of physiological disorders. Most governments have accepted this listing, though lots of medical associations are still basing their policies on research from decades ago, and often from religious research.

Further to this, researchers were able to identify large hormonal swings occurring at the time the brain is forming as the reason some cis foetus' develop a trans brain, and thus we are made trans before we are born, and it can't be changed. I've read this in different articles, and I'm sure from a link published a few months ago on this forum.

Allie

Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2019, 05:17:26 am »
Thanks all! So would a neurologist be able to perform a brain scan on me and compare it a cis-male and cis-female and tell what brain my gender is? Or would my brain scan show me as a male because I thought I was a male growing up? Or is it a case of the technology needing to be perfected still, and the results could be hit or miss? Been looking around online and some people say brain scans aren't definitive and either can't or shouldn't be used to diagnose gender dysphoria? Also kinda hard to find information that doesn't have some kind of political agenda with it; whether it's radical right-wingers trying to discount or invalidate trans, or radical left-wingers trying to convince the radical right-wingers that there's no choice at all. Makes the whole thing really confusing for me....but I guess logically, if it's not a choice, then I should go through with transition....and if it is a choice, then if I think I'd be happier as a girl, I should still choose to transition...So I guess it doesn't really matter too much to me whether it's biological or psychological; the end result is the same regardless; it's not my fault lol. If it's a psychological thing, then someone saying I chose to have Gender Dysphoria is kind of like saying a Soldier chose to come home with PTSD lol; which is ridiculous; it's not a choice lol. That much to me is at least cleared up.  :)

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2019, 05:33:45 am »
Hi John, there was a proposal to scan the brains of late term unborns to see if they could detect trans babies, but the tech is definitely not available. You are right about lots of conflicting reports from people with agendas, so for more info maybe google WHO re classifies Trans. Levels of dysphoria (the result of the conflict between conscious brain and Gender ID) vary between people and their situations and age. I was able to manage my dysphoria for over 60 years before it finally took over and forced me to transition. Not everyone gives in to it, but it is something that will never go away until it achieves its goal. I should have done something about my dysphoria before it manifested as severe depression.

Do what makes you happy!

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Offline Rakel

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2019, 05:38:14 am »
...So I guess it doesn't really matter too much to me whether it's biological or psychological; the end result is the same regardless; it's not my fault lol. If it's a psychological thing, then someone saying I chose to have Gender Dysphoria is kind of like saying a Soldier chose to come home with PTSD lol; which is ridiculous; it's not a choice lol. That much to me is at least cleared up.  :)

It is interesting that you compare transgender issues with PTSD.

Untreated, both conditions sometimes result in suicide.  :'(




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Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2019, 06:22:09 am »
It is interesting that you compare transgender issues with PTSD.

Untreated, both conditions sometimes result in suicide.  :'(

Indeed; I struggled with PTSD for years; eventually overcame most of it by getting pretty heavy into martial arts, emergency response, and doomsday prepping; pretty much did everything and learned everything I could to not be scared of the world anymore. I'm still kinda scared of people, but it helps knowing that I'm more than capable of being able to take care of myself should the need arise. Knowledge is power, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, yada yada yada; all that jazz lol.  ;D

Suicide isn't really an option for me; I'd rather have a <poor> life than no life at all; I'd hate to miss out on how everything turns out in the end; have a feeling the future is going to be a pretty interesting place.  ;)

Hi John, there was a proposal to scan the brains of late term unborns to see if they could detect trans babies, but the tech is definitely not available. You are right about lots of conflicting reports from people with agendas, so for more info maybe google WHO re classifies Trans. Levels of dysphoria (the result of the conflict between conscious brain and Gender ID) vary between people and their situations and age. I was able to manage my dysphoria for over 60 years before it finally took over and forced me to transition. Not everyone gives in to it, but it is something that will never go away until it achieves its goal. I should have done something about my dysphoria before it manifested as severe depression.

Do what makes you happy!

Allie

Thanks for the reference; I'll look into it.  :)

...Slightly disturbed that someone was considering doing experiments on unborn babies though...like, I guess I could see the desire/potential need to, but I dunno; that just doesn't sit right with me. I don't need answers THAT badly!  :laugh:

Offline Haley Conner

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2019, 09:10:00 am »
IMO it's pretty much always just the way you are, not a choice.  The reasons I think this are a) Who would want to put themselves through the emotional gauntlet if it wasn't anything real?  Nobody.  b) I am intersex, meaning I have physical traits since before I was even born that identify me as such.  Not everyone can easily point to such traits and say "look, this is completely legit....you can't argue with physical evidence", yet, on a psychological level, I can detect absolutely no notable difference between myself and anyone else on this forum.  The only difference is the physical manifestation if that ( there are other intersex people on the forum ).  That tells me that the condition of being transgender does not require that there be physical indicators.  As far as having a brain scan, I don't think you need that to validate yourself.  If you are here, it's for a reason.  You don't need proof in the form of a brain scan.  It's your brain that brought you here. 

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2019, 02:57:53 pm »
As am I. I am ignorant of why I am the way I am, and this question has literally colored my entire life and I'm sick of not having an answer lol. Maybe I never will. If I was born this way, why was I born this way? Maybe it's because my dysfunctional parents were full of drugs and alcohol when they had me, (seriously, it's kind of a miracle that I can even think or speak at all; the way that party went, it's lucky I don't BARK lol.)  :D

I'm going to take a slightly different tack on this, sweetie. And ask... does it matter? Does knowing the minutiae of factors which may or may not have led to how you feel... does it change the way you feel?

The "why" of anything is a big question. Probably the biggest of questions. But knowing why... does that change anything, really? Knowing fire is hot because of how combustion works, and "why" you get burned when you put your hand in it... doesn't change the simple fact that you feel pain when you put your hand in it, so you change the way you are, and not go putting your hand in the fire anymore, to not feel that pain, you know? Does knowing why stop you feeling it, somehow?

With gender issues, that answer isn't always "no". It isn't. Some people think they need something because of things they didn't know about, or understand. Therapy can help with that, John. The mind is a literal minefield sometimes. It can convince us we need to go down one path because of something we don't understand. Sometimes people think being trans is the easy way out. Being the opposite gender would be easier than the life they have as their current one. Sometimes people mistake themselves being trans for them just not having the experience with other people to know the difference. There is no easy answer. It's why people go to Gender therapists. To talk things through and to try and get to the bottom of why they feel the way they feel.

I get the feeling from your posts that you need to try and justify it to yourself. That if you understood why then you would be able to have that to fall back on. And explain everything. Maybe people in your life are making you feel like you need this, I don't know. But it feels to me like the rational part of you is holding you back because you can't justify the way you feel. Either to yourself or to other people around you. You hate uncertainty. I feel for you, sweetie, I really do. This is something that, for a lot of people... is based 95% on the way THEY feel. It isn't quantifiable as much as it is a feeling that affects someone no matter what they do in their lives. To the point where the "why" no longer matters as much as the "what am I going to do about it?" does.

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Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2019, 05:03:33 pm »
a) Who would want to put themselves through the emotional gauntlet if it wasn't anything real?  Nobody.

Right?!

I'm going to take a slightly different tack on this, sweetie. And ask... does it matter? Does knowing the minutiae of factors which may or may not have led to how you feel... does it change the way you feel?

The "why" of anything is a big question. Probably the biggest of questions. But knowing why... does that change anything, really? Knowing fire is hot because of how combustion works, and "why" you get burned when you put your hand in it... doesn't change the simple fact that you feel pain when you put your hand in it, so you change the way you are, and not go putting your hand in the fire anymore, to not feel that pain, you know? Does knowing why stop you feeling it, somehow?

With gender issues, that answer isn't always "no". It isn't. Some people think they need something because of things they didn't know about, or understand. Therapy can help with that, John. The mind is a literal minefield sometimes. It can convince us we need to go down one path because of something we don't understand. Sometimes people think being trans is the easy way out. Being the opposite gender would be easier than the life they have as their current one. Sometimes people mistake themselves being trans for them just not having the experience with other people to know the difference. There is no easy answer. It's why people go to Gender therapists. To talk things through and to try and get to the bottom of why they feel the way they feel.

I get the feeling from your posts that you need to try and justify it to yourself. That if you understood why then you would be able to have that to fall back on. And explain everything. Maybe people in your life are making you feel like you need this, I don't know. But it feels to me like the rational part of you is holding you back because you can't justify the way you feel. Either to yourself or to other people around you. You hate uncertainty. I feel for you, sweetie, I really do. This is something that, for a lot of people... is based 95% on the way THEY feel. It isn't quantifiable as much as it is a feeling that affects someone no matter what they do in their lives. To the point where the "why" no longer matters as much as the "what am I going to do about it?" does.

*extra big hug*


....Are you an angel:D

Super awesome words of wisdom right there; thanks a ton. Really helped put things into perspective.

I've always been overly analytical; as a kid I was on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, then as I entered early adulthood I became a firefighter where being overly analytical and honest to a fault became an asset instead of a hinderance.

....Think some things just can't be analyzed after a certain point though; need to call in for backup, (get a gender therapist lol.)

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2019, 05:34:59 pm »
Right?!


....Are you an angel:D

Super awesome words of wisdom right there; thanks a ton. Really helped put things into perspective.

I've always been overly analytical; as a kid I was on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, then as I entered early adulthood I became a firefighter where being overly analytical and honest to a fault became an asset instead of a hinderance.

....Thing some things just can't be analyzed after a certain point though; need to call in for backup, (get a gender therapist lol.)

Thank you for telling me that, it helps me understand you better. I can see now why you need to know where something comes from and how it can play on you if you don't. Not knowing the cause of a fire means it could happen again. You're literally talking about life and death, for more than just yourself. I can see how that was important to you, and why you might feel the same way about this. Black and white. Organisation over chaos. Logic over emotion. It seems that's how you've lived a lot of your life. And this is all very new and unsettling for you.

Sweetie, I think you're right and you do need to talk to someone in a more professional manner. A lot of us have tried to analyse this for years and years and years. And have gotten no further forward now than when we started, lol. I did it myself for the longest time. I thought if I could understand why, if I could find some concrete reason for why I felt the way I did, then it would give those feelings more legitimacy. That I would have more to draw on than "Because that's how I feel!"

All it did was lead to a lot of sleepless nights and headaches. There's no way any of us can ever have all the answers. As scary as it might sometimes be, the only option left is to go with how you feel. About yourself, about your place in the world, and about how you see yourself. What you want for yourself, you know?

As if that wasn't confusing enough... different people feel different things. Some people want to stop the pain that comes from Dysphoria. They want to be themselves because it hurts too much to be someone else. But other people... that isn't the case. They want to be themselves because it's just a burning need. A driving force. They don't feel miserable as such, and can function the way they were born, but they just have an extremely strong motivating force to be who they are. To affect change. Like something pushing them from within. There is no wrong answer, and very often the paths converge at the same end. The "why" of it could be completely different for every single person. What matters is how they feel afterwards. Did affecting those changes improve your life? If the answer is yes... then the reason for doing it is largely irrelevant. :)

Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2019, 06:01:19 pm »
Thank you for telling me that, it helps me understand you better. I can see now why you need to know where something comes from and how it can play on you if you don't. Not knowing the cause of a fire means it could happen again. You're literally talking about life and death, for more than just yourself. I can see how that was important to you, and why you might feel the same way about this. Black and white. Organisation over chaos. Logic over emotion. It seems that's how you've lived a lot of your life. And this is all very new and unsettling for you.

Sweetie, I think you're right and you do need to talk to someone in a more professional manner. A lot of us have tried to analyse this for years and years and years. And have gotten no further forward now than when we started, lol. I did it myself for the longest time. I thought if I could understand why, if I could find some concrete reason for why I felt the way I did, then it would give those feelings more legitimacy. That I would have more to draw on than "Because that's how I feel!"

All it did was lead to a lot of sleepless nights and headaches. There's no way any of us can ever have all the answers. As scary as it might sometimes be, the only option left is to go with how you feel. About yourself, about your place in the world, and about how you see yourself. What you want for yourself, you know?

As if that wasn't confusing enough... different people feel different things. Some people want to stop the pain that comes from Dysphoria. They want to be themselves because it hurts too much to be someone else. But other people... that isn't the case. They want to be themselves because it's just a burning need. A driving force. They don't feel miserable as such, and can function the way they were born, but they just have an extremely strong motivating force to be who they are. To affect change. Like something pushing them from within. There is no wrong answer, and very often the paths converge at the same end. The "why" of it could be completely different for every single person. What matters is how they feel afterwards. Did affecting those changes improve your life? If the answer is yes... then the reason for doing it is largely irrelevant. :)


Only sounds logical when you put it that way lol.

For me it doesn't feel like a pain so much as an intense discomfort. Analyzing why I had a desire to regress to a younger age eventually caused it to dawn on me that I didn't have any body/facial hair at that age, my body wasn't being filled with testosterone, and I looked more like a girl back then. Suddenly I realized I had been mistaking my feeling like I was supposed to be a different age with feeling like I was supposed to be the opposite gender. Then little things from my childhood started coming back, like my preference for wearing a nightgown like my sister, or wanting to join in on the slumber parties or play house, wherein I'd usually opt to be a girl; even after getting into adolescence I thought it was fun to play as the female character on video games, (currently really looking forward to playing Red Dead Redemption II Online for that reason in particular; you can create your own custom avatar lol). I crossdressed off and on throughout my teen years, but I hated how I looked dressed up; kinda shoved those thoughts deep, deep, DEEP down lol.  :laugh:

And aside from occasionally fantasizing about being a girl, or jokingly/grumpily muttering under my breath, "I wished I was a girl." I haven't really ever thought about it since until about a week or so ago.

...Now I'm in full-on analytical mode, lol.

EDIT: Very true about fires; if one can't deduce how it started, then one can't guarentee it won't happen again. Perhaps a more important reason for knowing how a fire started, is so that you know how to extinguish it. If the fire started in the kitchen, we'd do an initial attack just using water, (depending on how big it is; if it's small enough we can just use heavy blankets to smother it; let's assume in this case it's a raging inferno though lol). But if the fire started in the basement, we wouldn't even bother trying to use water to fight it. People keep all sorts of toxic chemicals in their basements. Paint, varnishes, aerosols, gasoline, oils, lubricants, gun powder (at least in Alaska lol),  you name it; if it's toxic and poisonous, it's probably in your basement or garage lol.  :laugh: And in that situation, we'd take a different approach fighting the fire with foam instead of water because the oxygen in the water would only make the chemical fire even worse. Sometimes putting water on a fire is the last thing you want to do lol. And if it's a wildfire outside, the tactics have to be switched up yet again; instead of a frontal assault we'd back up about a mile and start bulldozing trees and digging out a 30 ft wide patch of dirt about a foot down or so, depending on how much peat moss and permafrost there might be; the deeper the better is a good rule of thumb; get past all the connecting root systems to prevent the fire from spreading slowly underground and cropping up 30 miles away in a few months lol. We have a lot of recurring fires that burn underground for years and are pretty much impossible to extinguish, so we just factor it into our planning for the season lol. Kinda like Silent Hill.  :laugh:

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2019, 06:13:39 pm »

Only sounds logical when you put it that way lol.

For me it doesn't feel like a pain so much as an intense discomfort. Analyzing why I had a desire to regress to a younger age eventually caused it to dawn on me that I didn't have any body/facial hair at that age, my body wasn't being filled with testosterone, and I looked more like a girl back then. Suddenly I realized I had been mistaking my feeling like I was supposed to be a different age with feeling like I was supposed to be the opposite gender. Then little things from my childhood started coming back, like my preference for wearing a nightgown like my sister, or wanting to join in on the slumber parties or play house, wherein I'd usually opt to be a girl; even after getting into adolescence I thought it was fun to play as the female character on video games, (currently really looking forward to playing Red Dead Redemption II Online for that reason in particular; you can create your own custom avatar lol). I crossdressed off and on throughout my teen years, but I hated how I looked dressed up; kinda shoved those thoughts deep, deep, DEEP down lol.  :laugh:

And aside from occasionally fantaszing about being a girl, or jokingly/grumpily muttering under my breath, "I wished I was a girl." I haven't really ever thought about it since until about a week or so ago.

...Now I'm in full-on analytical mode, lol.

Mhm. It's usually the things we don't realise... right up until we do. What you've said makes a lot of sense to me, and some of them I can relate to. We do things often without understanding why we're doing them, or attributing them to something else. It's only much later on we have those "eureka" moments and figure out how everything plays in to the same thing.

What you've said fits with things a lot of other people dealing with this experience have said, or feel. I'm no therapist but I've been around here a long time and have noticed a lot of similarities with what people talk about. Young kids don't have gender forced on them quite so much. Puberty hasn't hit yet, and the world hasn't become quite so strict as to say "you have to like/do this or that, otherwise you're abnormal". There's a lot more freedom to just be yourself. The boxes are still flat packed, if you like. That makes sense to me.

Sweetie, what you're saying here... you're exploring your feelings extremely well. And I think you're answering a lot of your own questions just by talking things out. Getting out everything you're thinking. Which is one of the points of therapy. Keep going okay?

Like I said, I'm no therapist, but I am a good listener. :) Can I ask... why did you hate how you looked when you crossdressed as a teen? How did it make you feel?

I'm proud of you, John. Takes a lot of courage to open up about stuff like this. Keep going. *hugs*

Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2019, 06:27:54 pm »
Mhm. It's usually the things we don't realise... right up until we do. What you've said makes a lot of sense to me, and some of them I can relate to. We do things often without understanding why we're doing them, or attributing them to something else. It's only much later on we have those "eureka" moments and figure out how everything plays in to the same thing.

What you've said fits with things a lot of other people dealing with this experience have said, or feel. I'm no therapist but I've been around here a long time and have noticed a lot of similarities with what people talk about. Young kids don't have gender forced on them quite so much. Puberty hasn't hit yet, and the world hasn't become quite so strict as to say "you have to like/do this or that, otherwise you're abnormal". There's a lot more freedom to just be yourself. The boxes are still flat packed, if you like. That makes sense to me.

Sweetie, what you're saying here... you're exploring your feelings extremely well. And I think you're answering a lot of your own questions just by talking things out. Getting out everything you're thinking. Which is one of the points of therapy. Keep going okay?

Like I said, I'm no therapist, but I am a good listener. :) Can I ask... why did you hate how you looked when you crossdressed as a teen? How did it make you feel?

I'm proud of you, John. Takes a lot of courage to open up about stuff like this. Keep going. *hugs*

Thanks; I've had years of therapy for different issues lol; I like to think I'm pretty well put-together upstairs and have a good overall grasp over my emotions. As a teenager I had some severe anger management problems; often blacking out and going into "blind rages". I was even taken to a specialist at the hospital once because I was abnormally strong during those episodes; chucking a foosball table across the room once when I was 13. I was institutionalized from 12-15; in and out of juvenile hall until I was seventeen, at which point the judge was able to make some kind of a deal that if I could keep my nose clean until my probation ended, then as soon as I turned 18 everything on my growing-criminal-record would get expunged and I could start with a clean slate, (she adored me lol; I'd always do magic tricks as things were getting set up in the courtroom lol). Ever since then I've maintained a squeaky clean criminal record, and one of my dad's friends recruited me to the Department of Forestry shortly after. Funny name for a fire station, huh? I thought so too. I thought I was signing up to be a lumberjack LOL. Almost took me until seeing my first mushroom cloud on the horizon that I realized, "Oh, I'm not going to be a lumberjack."  :laugh:

Looking back on things, I'm starting to wonder if testosterone was the actual problem the whole time; like my brain just didn't react well with it or something. Curiouser and curiouser lol.

Oh, and I hated how I looked dressed up because I didn't look like a girl; I looked like a dude, in girl's clothing, and it just made me feel kinda gross at the time lol. If I looked like a girl and felt like a girl, wearing girl's clothing wouldn't feel uncomfortable at all. That's kinda how I learned that I wasn't actually a crossdresser; I think for most crossdressers, they get some kind of a thrill out of wearing women's clothing, but may not necessarily want to actually BECOME a girl. ...Hope I'm understanding that correctly and not inadvertently offending two groups of people LOL.

But yup; I've kinda always been a lot better at discussing my feelings than most boys my age it would seem. Even before getting into therapy. My dad usually made fun of me and called me a sissy. Think he wanted more of a 6'4" macho manly man for a son instead of a 5'9" sensitive, nerdy, smiley-guy-one-sweater lol. (To use words I so eloquently remember him using as a child.) To top things off, I was in chess club and regularly sang soprano in the school choir. I'm sure dad was real proud lol. :laugh:

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #15 on: August 28, 2019, 08:19:48 pm »
Hi John,

I totally understand the yearning you have to know why you are the way you are. I realized when I was five that I had been born in the wrong body. Of course I never told anyone that. It was just too embarrassing to me. Throughout the years I thought about it, and worried about it too. I couldn't understand why I wanted to be a girl so bad.

I led a very sheltered life and thus never had access to anyone who wanted to be the opposite gender. I just didn't know that was a thing. I thought I was the only person in the world who thought like that. For many years I held the belief that my insides must have female organs. I believed that with all my heart and soul.

Then I had to have a pretty big hernia surgery when I was 10 and they really opened me up (I had an 8 inch scar). I just knew that the surgeon was going to find my female sex organs in there...sadly he didn't. Or if he did he didn't tell my parents about it. So I got away from that train of thought, and it drove me nuts...I just HAD to know why I had these feelings. It wasn't until I was 14 that I learned about intersex people. They weren't called that back then, but that's what they were. I had to wait until I got my driver's license before I could go to my local library and research it.

From the limited info I could find there I didn't have any of the symptoms to be intersex. So I was back to square one. I spent years worrying about why I had these feelings, and never could find an answer for it. I don't remember how old I was before I learned about transgender people...but I knew deep down that I was one of them, even though I wouldn't admit I was.

I knew I'd never be brave enough to go ahead with a transition though. I mean what would be the point (that was what I told myself). I wanted real female parts and didn't think it was possible for me to get them. So I just fought off my gender dysphoria (even though I didn't know what GD was either) every time it reared its ugly head. I just fought off the feelings of wanting to be a girl.

It wasn't until I started watching I Am Jazz that I learned that hormones could give me the breasts I wanted, and if I got lucky they might feminize my face and figure. I also learned that doctors could give me a real vagina too, and it would be so real that it would take a gyno to tell that it wasn't from a natal female. So I was happy to learn who I really am, and I'm taking the necessary steps to become the woman I've always known I was on the inside.

This whole long post is just to let you know that you're not alone wanting to know why you are the way you are. Some of us have been searching for the same answers for decades.

xoxo
Lexxi   

Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #16 on: August 28, 2019, 10:58:15 pm »
Hi John,

I totally understand the yearning you have to know why you are the way you are. I realized when I was five that I had been born in the wrong body. Of course I never told anyone that. It was just too embarrassing to me. Throughout the years I thought about it, and worried about it too. I couldn't understand why I wanted to be a girl so bad.

I led a very sheltered life and thus never had access to anyone who wanted to be the opposite gender. I just didn't know that was a thing. I thought I was the only person in the world who thought like that. For many years I held the belief that my insides must have female organs. I believed that with all my heart and soul.

Then I had to have a pretty big hernia surgery when I was 10 and they really opened me up (I had an 8 inch scar). I just knew that the surgeon was going to find my female sex organs in there...sadly he didn't. Or if he did he didn't tell my parents about it. So I got away from that train of thought, and it drove me nuts...I just HAD to know why I had these feelings. It wasn't until I was 14 that I learned about intersex people. They weren't called that back then, but that's what they were. I had to wait until I got my driver's license before I could go to my local library and research it.

From the limited info I could find there I didn't have any of the symptoms to be intersex. So I was back to square one. I spent years worrying about why I had these feelings, and never could find an answer for it. I don't remember how old I was before I learned about transgender people...but I knew deep down that I was one of them, even though I wouldn't admit I was.

I knew I'd never be brave enough to go ahead with a transition though. I mean what would be the point (that was what I told myself). I wanted real female parts and didn't think it was possible for me to get them. So I just fought off my gender dysphoria (even though I didn't know what GD was either) every time it reared its ugly head. I just fought off the feelings of wanting to be a girl.

It wasn't until I started watching I Am Jazz that I learned that hormones could give me the breasts I wanted, and if I got lucky they might feminize my face and figure. I also learned that doctors could give me a real vagina too, and it would be so real that it would take a gyno to tell that it wasn't from a natal female. So I was happy to learn who I really am, and I'm taking the necessary steps to become the woman I've always known I was on the inside.

This whole long post is just to let you know that you're not alone wanting to know why you are the way you are. Some of us have been searching for the same answers for decades.

xoxo
Lexxi

Thank you so much for sharing; it's been super helpful to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Just about 18 minutes ago I came home from a party super drunk and my mom reminded me that she's fully supportive and onboard with my recent discoveries. I was worried; probably had more margaritas than I should've, (four total; I'm kind of a light weight lol), because just before going in she remarked how good I looked with facial hair; haven't shaved in a couple days; told her it was just an accident lol. Think she might've felt like she may have made me feel uncomfortable; I'm kinda self-conscious of my facial and body hair. She remarked on my outfit a few moments ago and said my outfit looked good, then quickly added, "on a male or a female" lol. Glad I'm still pretty drunk at the moment otherwise the might've felt awkward lol. (I was wearing pale blue jeans, gray tank top, under a white button up dress shirt and white sneakers; hair combed back, modicum of stubble; I looked pretty good for a guy. That's kind of a trigger of dysphoria for me sometimes. Having spent years in emergency response and having learned half a dozen martial arts, my male body looks awesome if I do say so myself. A lot of guys would kill to have a body like mine; not too tall, not too short, chiseled physique; any male would be super proud of my body....but it just makes me feel kinda worse. I often find myself wishing I was fat just so that my features were more smoothed out, or I'd at least have a "survival advantage"  in a wilderness survival situation. Often remark I wish I was slightly chubby so that my body had more fat to cannibalize before starving to death lol.

Whew, yeah, I'm thinking four margaritas were too many lol. Night y'all.  ;D

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #17 on: August 29, 2019, 01:50:40 am »
I often find myself wishing I was fat just so that my features were more smoothed out, or I'd at least have a "survival advantage"  in a wilderness survival situation. Often remark I wish I was slightly chubby so that my body had more fat to cannibalize before starving to death lol.

Dear John,

You helped me look on the bright side and you didn't even know it. I always fret about my weight, but I'm not so worried about it right now...because it could help me survive for an extra 90 or 100 days if the apocalypse hits. I mean it would take me at least 45 days of no food at all before I'd even hit my ideal weight. LOL

You sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself.  :laugh:

Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline John406

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Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2019, 02:22:20 am »
Dear John,

You helped me look on the bright side and you didn't even know it. I always fret about my weight, but I'm not so worried about it right now...because it could help me survive for an extra 90 or 100 days if the apocalypse hits. I mean it would take me at least 45 days of no food at all before I'd even hit my ideal weight. LOL

You sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself.  :laugh:

Lexxi

Never fret about your weight; America is literally like the only country on Earth aside perhaps from Europe that sees body shaming as socially acceptable. Pretty much everywhere else? The bigger the better! Most cultures see fat men as majestic; perhaps even godlike. Likewise, fat women are seen as ultra-seductive and fertile. Kinda of sexist, sure, but it's interesting to note that what so much of Western society tends to condemn, the rest of the world holds in high regard as beautiful. Just think of the very first historical artifacts, such as the Venus Figurines and other fertility statues, or the Buddha and multiple pantheons of gods and goddesses from Greek to Nordic cultures; almost every one of them was fat; also a symbol of abundance and prosperity. Humanity has a much longer track record of idealizing larger size as opposed to the skinny/scrawny supermodel/anorexic look. That just can't be healthy lol. If nothing else, having some fat on you is just plain good survival strategy lol. Just ask any Alaskan Yupik or Inuit. :laugh:

*hugs*

Ricki

Re: Born Trans VS Became Trans?
« Reply #19 on: August 29, 2019, 04:44:10 am »
Science is descovering things on a DNA level almost daily. Here is a really nice Ted Talk, done by an incredibly educated trans women scientist, that shows primary physical characteristics are developed in the first trimester, but the gender of the brain is developed in the second. Something has happened in our DNA knots to cause a mismatch between the two.

In my case, I believe the MASSIVE dose of hormones my mother got while pregnant with me (a drug called DES used for way too long to allegedly prevent miscarriages even after it was known not to work as intended. Scary thing? Some prenatal vitamins had DES in them so many women took this drug and don't even realize it.) that caused this mismatch.
Stress, diet, trauma, and drugs are just some of the stressors that could cause our DNA factories to get mixed signals causing this disparity.

Search term: Ted talk Karissa Sanbonmatsu the biology of gender

Remove space from link below to use. Space placed to prevent unintentional clicking.

ht tps://www.ted.com/talks/karissa_sanbonmatsu_the_biology_of_gender_from_dna_to_the_brain/transcript?language=en

While not THE answer, it gives a peek into how complex and special we are. There is no medical test for transgender if that is what you are looking for as "proof" you are, or are not, transgender. There are enough clues however that when we speak to a gender therapist worth even half a damn that they can help us reach the correct decision on if we are or not.

Hope this helps,

Ricki

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