Thank you for telling me that, it helps me understand you better. I can see now why you need to know where something comes from and how it can play on you if you don't. Not knowing the cause of a fire means it could happen again. You're literally talking about life and death, for more than just yourself. I can see how that was important to you, and why you might feel the same way about this. Black and white. Organisation over chaos. Logic over emotion. It seems that's how you've lived a lot of your life. And this is all very new and unsettling for you.
Sweetie, I think you're right and you do need to talk to someone in a more professional manner. A lot of us have tried to analyse this for years and years and years. And have gotten no further forward now than when we started, lol. I did it myself for the longest time. I thought if I could understand why, if I could find some concrete reason for why I felt the way I did, then it would give those feelings more legitimacy. That I would have more to draw on than "Because that's how I feel!"
All it did was lead to a lot of sleepless nights and headaches. There's no way any of us can ever have all the answers. As scary as it might sometimes be, the only option left is to go with how you feel. About yourself, about your place in the world, and about how you see yourself. What you want for yourself, you know?
As if that wasn't confusing enough... different people feel different things. Some people want to stop the pain that comes from Dysphoria. They want to be themselves because it hurts too much to be someone else. But other people... that isn't the case. They want to be themselves because it's just a burning need. A driving force. They don't feel miserable as such, and can function the way they were born, but they just have an extremely strong motivating force to be who they are. To affect change. Like something pushing them from within. There is no wrong answer, and very often the paths converge at the same end. The "why" of it could be completely different for every single person. What matters is how they feel afterwards. Did affecting those changes improve your life? If the answer is yes... then the reason for doing it is largely irrelevant. 
Only sounds logical when you put it that way lol.
For me it doesn't feel like a pain so much as an intense discomfort. Analyzing why I had a desire to regress to a younger age eventually caused it to dawn on me that I didn't have any body/facial hair at that age, my body wasn't being filled with testosterone, and I looked more like a girl back then. Suddenly I realized I had been mistaking my feeling like I was supposed to be a different
age with feeling like I was supposed to be the opposite
gender. Then little things from my childhood started coming back, like my preference for wearing a nightgown like my sister, or wanting to join in on the slumber parties or play house, wherein I'd usually opt to be a girl; even after getting into adolescence I thought it was fun to play as the female character on video games, (currently really looking forward to playing Red Dead Redemption II Online for that reason in particular; you can create your own custom avatar lol). I crossdressed off and on throughout my teen years, but I hated how I looked dressed up; kinda shoved those thoughts deep, deep, DEEP down lol.
And aside from occasionally fantasizing about being a girl, or jokingly/grumpily muttering under my breath, "I wished I was a girl." I haven't really ever thought about it since until about a week or so ago.
...Now I'm in full-on analytical mode, lol.
EDIT: Very true about fires; if one can't deduce how it started, then one can't guarentee it won't happen again. Perhaps a more important reason for knowing how a fire started, is so that you know how to extinguish it. If the fire started in the kitchen, we'd do an initial attack just using water, (depending on how big it is; if it's small enough we can just use heavy blankets to smother it; let's assume in this case it's a raging inferno though lol). But if the fire started in the basement, we wouldn't even bother trying to use water to fight it. People keep all sorts of toxic chemicals in their basements. Paint, varnishes, aerosols, gasoline, oils, lubricants, gun powder (at least in Alaska lol), you name it; if it's toxic and poisonous, it's probably in your basement or garage lol.
And in that situation, we'd take a different approach fighting the fire with foam instead of water because the oxygen in the water would only make the chemical fire even worse. Sometimes putting water on a fire is the last thing you want to do lol. And if it's a wildfire outside, the tactics have to be switched up yet again; instead of a frontal assault we'd back up about a mile and start bulldozing trees and digging out a 30 ft wide patch of dirt about a foot down or so, depending on how much peat moss and permafrost there might be; the deeper the better is a good rule of thumb; get past all the connecting root systems to prevent the fire from spreading slowly underground and cropping up 30 miles away in a few months lol. We have a lot of recurring fires that burn underground for years and are pretty much impossible to extinguish, so we just factor it into our planning for the season lol. Kinda like Silent Hill.
