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My 'Beautiful Gender Dysphoria'

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MichelleVindee:
I’ve always tried to find the middle ground, to look at both sides of the argument. The Ying and the Yang as it were. I suppose in politics you would call me a moderate taking from both the left and right‘s views and see how they fit in with my own opinions.

As we all share our individual stories on this wonderful site, similarities can be found. I’m  sure what  I have  had to say resonated with some people transitioning and may not with others.

Some months ago it became obvious to me that I had to face the challenges that seemed to have been plaguing me for decades now. Thinking that I may have a personality disorder,  a visit to my family Dr refers me to a Clinical Psychologist. In turn I was diagnosed with GD.  Though my transitioning is fairly recent I found myself at a crossroads recently, a Gender Dysphoria crossroads.

I started my whole hearted transition and presented as a female, a woman that I felt was my true gender including the essential medications. Over the past seven months I found that going from strong urges of craving to be feminine and dress as a women, the doubts and questioning to the euphoria that one feels in being in their true identity to an almost spiritual calmness and a desire to understand how my body and mind (Dysphoria) were coping with the changes, the medication and its effects on my body.

These changes at most were met with my approval but I started to think where has my ‘Beautiful Gender Dysphoria’  gone?  The feeling wasn’t the same!

Is this because of the fact that I am living my true gender? Now this got me thinking, during  events and groups that I attended, I stated to think how are my Brothers and Sisters  coping with their mental transitioning and their ‘Beautiful Gender Dysphoria’?  I understand that wanting to be a women and pass to actually achieving that goal can be challenging and just recently at a Psych meeting I had an epiphany, well one that gave me a closer understanding regarding my personal dysphoria, Why am I trying to be a women? A CIS woman! I clearly wasn’t born a woman but somewhere in that grey matter of mine, determined that I certainly wasn’t going to lead a happy life as my birth gender, Male!

After a long discussion about this question I left my warm and generous Clinical Psychologist with a smile on my face, I am a Transgender Female! No more no less, I love being feminine, in looking feminine in presenting and being referred to in the female pronoun, but I am not a cis women, I am a Transgender Female, I take this space.     

In some ways you could think that this lets me off the hook in trying to be what my GD wants me to be but the goal posts are still there. I want a more feminine face (FFS), I want bigger breasts and I want gender reassignment (SRS) but I don’t want to be a women! I want to be a Transgender Women and excepted as one. I want my gender to occupy a third space a third gender and be recognised for that.  I want that option when I go on a dating site or tick a government questionnaire I want to tick the TF box not the F box! As all Transgender do we not deserve this space? A separate gender? I want people to recognise this space for transgender male and females, one that I occupy with my other transgender colleagues.

Now I feel so much better in getting that of my chest! I don’t intend any malice in  any of my comments just one of personal growth and more of an acceptance to my ‘Beautiful Gender Dysphoria’

My comments are my own opinions but I would love to hear how you’re ‘Beautiful Gender Dysphoria' has changed if any Pre and Post transitioning?

Big Hugs x

Lexxi:
Hi Michelle,

I can think of two places where you can do exactly that. In American Samoa and part of India or maybe all of India there's a third gender marker for people just like us. There may be other places in the world like that, but those are the two that I'm aware of.

That was a really nice post you wrote,

xoxo
Lexxi

MichelleVindee:
Time to pack the suitcase Lexxi!

x

Allie Jayne:
Great post Michelle! I guess as I'm almost finished coming out to my family and work mates, and inviting them all to be part of my transition, there is little chance I could be anything else but a Transgender Female. The girls at work think my transition is very exciting and they can't wait to help me. Since puberty, I never entertained the thought I could try to be a cis woman, as my desire was to be a mother. My 'Beautiful Gender Dysphoria' is dormant at the moment, but showed me recently it can be anything but beautiful if my transition even slows. I fear it. I am still working with my psychologist to help me to embrace my transition, as I need to so I can start enjoying it. I'm looking for your crossroads!

Allie

Sonja:
Michelle,

Very well said, I totally agree!

Sonja.

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