Author Topic: Just another mtf tale  (Read 7126 times)

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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Just another mtf tale
« on: September 19, 2019, 04:47:50 pm »
Hello,

I see some people chronicle their experiences here, and perhaps if I add mine into the mix, it will help anyone making life-changing decisions like this.

I'm at a very early stage. I crossdressed since teenage years and have always been a bit of a misfit and a somewhat effeminate man. For years, I was interested in TV programmes that featured people who were transgender, like the Thailand beauty pageants.

I don't know how but I came across some people on YouTube who identified as trans. That really opened my eyes. What it gave me compared to what the conventional media portrays is that these people are normal. Some of them can also pass very well.

So I had a week off from work coming up at the end of August 2019. I decided to try some experiments. I had seen quite a few YouTube videos by gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox and bought her book, "You and your Gender Identity."

It uses the scientific approach to analyse yourself and help you decide whether you are trans, and if so, what "bucket" of trans you fit into. I have a physics degree so the use of the scientific approach struck a chord with me.

I started performing gender experiments, including more crossdressing; buying women's clothes in public, including using changing rooms to try them on; buying a makeup kit and trying that out; and I worked up the confidence to try on a pair of women's shoes in the public area of the shop, and went on to buy them when they fit me.

Every experiment I did seemed to confirm to me that my level of happiness increased.

I got into therapy and my therapist encouraged me to try more experiments. I tried things like waxing my legs. Everything I did that was feminine seemed to increase my level of happiness.

I came out to my wife on 1st September 2019. She and I are separated but still have a reasonably good relationship. She was upset at first, but she said she would support me.

I saw my daughter and came out to her on 7th September. She wasn't as upset as my wife, but I think she didn't really understand. She didn't really want me to transition, but as I explained that it might make me happy to do it, she said that if I wanted to do it, I should do it.

I started trying IPL hair removal for my moustache and beard on 8th September. That's something I was considering anyway because I don't particularly like shaving every day. I'm doing it myself and the sessions are supposed to be spaced every two weeks for the first four sessions and thereafter every four weeks until a satisfactory outcome is achieved, with irregular maintenance to follow. If it works, it will save me a ton of money having to go the professional route.

Was I trans or a crossdresser? This was still a question to be answered. That was finally answered to my satisfaction on the weekend of 13th September. On that day, I read that software engineering is one of the most transphobic jobs, with 45% of people saying they would not employ a transgender person in the role. I made a decision not to transition, though it was not a final decision.

Following that decision, I felt really down. I usually exercise once a day, and I just stopped. I do suffer from depression but it's a strange depression that usually doesn't result in me feeling low.

I re-evaluated my decision two days later. I don't know that the statistic is correct, and even if it is, that still leaves 55% of companies that would employ a transgender person. There's plenty of work around for someone like me, so my concerns about work receded. Because of how I had felt when I thought I would not transition, and because of the results of nearly all of the previous experiments, I decided that I should transition.

So the next experiment I carried out was nails! I chose a bold blue colour and painted my fingernails. I then presented with these in work.

Initially, nobody said anything. It took until Wednesday before somebody said something. That was a friendly colleague who said he didn't think he could carry it off. He asked me if I was going to wear a different colour tomorrow! I was slightly embarrassed but on the whole, I enjoyed the interaction.

I spoke to the big boss on that day (18th September), and came out to him. He was amazingly supportive. He said that he doesn't like bullying or discrimination of any kind, and that it's something that the company would absolutely work with. That was fantastic!

On 19th September (the day I am writing this), I went to see the colleague who asked me about colours and asked him what colours he thinks I should try. He didn't have an answer other than various different colours. He also said that I could get double the value by painting my toenails. I said to him, "Who says I haven't?" The look on his face was priceless! It was a good laugh; good-natured banter.

I had compliments from two other colleagues today, one of whom just told me that my nails were nice, and the other who had a few more questions - am I called Jessica on Sundays? I'm not out yet to everyone so I just said I was experimenting and I was most disappointed by the fact that only three people had noticed my nails. Interestingly, these comments came from men; I thought it would be the women that would be more likely to say something, but that didn't happen.

I'm now finding it a lot easier to come out to colleagues. I'm out to three of my work colleagues now and they have all been supportive. There's a lot to do over the next weeks and months, but I am thinking of going full-time female over a timescale that's hopefully not longer than six months. Obviously I'm still experimenting, but it's made me so happy... I believe I've had depression for decades at a low level; it could be that this is the reason.

To be continued... :)
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2019, 04:59:10 pm »
Great to hear that your experiments are making you happier!

Offline Alice V

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2019, 05:06:26 pm »
Hey Unauthorized! Not found is 404 ;D
Sorry just joking :) It was nice to read how you bravely experimenting and moving forth to your dream. Please, continue to share your experience ^_^
The emperor must strike without hesitations. To entertain doubts is to dance with death.(c)Izaro

HRT since 15 july 2019

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Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2019, 05:14:43 pm »
Hi, 401.  While there are no doubt some total clods in the software engineering field, the majority only care about one thing: can you produce the code?  If you did a survey of Susan's Place members, you'd likely find that 75% of us are in IT or similar fields.

I like your experiments, and measuring your results by the resulting happiness is a good technique.

I am glad that you are finding yourself, and that it turns out that your workplace is supportive.  Way to go!
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2019, 12:43:34 am »
Hey Unauthorized! Not found is 404 ;D
Sorry just joking :) It was nice to read how you bravely experimenting and moving forth to your dream. Please, continue to share your experience ^_^

I know not found is 404 and I kicked myself! Obviously, as 401 is unauthorised, I should now ban myself. :-)

I'm actually doing full-stack web development now but I'm coming from a background of embedded engineering, C/C++, and a myriad of other languages - a "jack of all trades" type engineer. I've done a fair bit of Java but am pretty green with Spring and Hibernate and I'm learning those in that good old-fashioned on-the-job way.

I don't want to use up a name change just to correct that. At least it's something people will find funny. :-)
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Alice V

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2019, 12:56:29 am »
I like your attitude ^_^
Though you might find that correct nick to name you wish to wear can be nice though ;)

It's cool you're so versatile engineer :) Anywhere you go you can find yourself useful ;D
The emperor must strike without hesitations. To entertain doubts is to dance with death.(c)Izaro

HRT since 15 july 2019

My place

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2019, 12:08:53 pm »
I saw a GP today, and he's ordered a few blood tests and referred me to the new gender identity clinic that has just opened in Cardiff. I said I was interested in hormones and not sure about surgeries yet.

I got a wig on Saturday. I think it makes me look passable already. I've got a small, roundish face (well, I'm small everywhere it seems - my bra size is probably 32B; I don't fill out a 32C entirely; and I'm a 12 UK dress size) and were it not for the 5 o'clock shadow, that could definitely have been a woman looking back at me in the mirror.

Things are getting more real every day! I feel a sense of anticipatory excitement.

Blood tests happen on Friday. I've no idea what the wait for the referral will be, but I may be better off than the 30 months that have been reported because the Cardiff GIC has only just opened.

Yay!
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Ricki

Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2019, 02:33:57 pm »
Hey @401!!! Loved your post!

I did want to clear up one thing however and to put your mind at ease: You mentioned being disappointed that only 3 people noticed your nails. I would bet a lot more than 3 men noticed. The rest of the men who did felt too awkward to say anything, and the several women who noticed are in a "wait and see" mode. They know you as "That guy "deadname here" ". Because of that they are not going to go all girly squeeeee!(tm) over your nails because they do not know why you are wearing it. If you told them you have to wear it because you lost a bet....you get the idea.

If you want to know what a woman thinks, when (not if, when) you chip a nail, the next time you are speaking to a woman run your thumb over the chip with your nails facing her, then look at your nail and say "Darn it! I just got these done!"

Just a suggestion, and I am betting it will strike up a conversation on the spot, and/or she will talk to the rest of the girls and all the women will have suggestions for you, or comments, or both.

Last Friday I took off my polish due to having a job interview. I have worn polish since Seattle Trans Pride in June. I felt literally naked and I had just cast "Greater Gender Dysphoria Summoning VI" on myself. Nail polish is addicting, and your GD might wrap itself around it and go to sleep for a bit which is a problem only if you try to take it off for awhile.

Warning: Write the name of the polish you have on. When you are asked what color that is, you want the color and the brand. Also helpful for figuring out the reason you can't find the shade you absolutely love is because it was a limited Christmas color in 2017!!!!! <<<Anger!!!!>>>> Example: OPI - Feel the Chemis-Tree. This deep purple is lovely indoors and breathtaking in the sunlight due to the sparkles! I have had cashiers grab. My. Hand. Demanding to know what I have on. Other than the polish, I looked pretty darned boy even wearing skinny jeans and girl running shoes. The woman in line behind me also wrote it down.

TLDR: Yes. People have noticed, they just don't know how to bring it up. Also, it has been the subject of more than 3 conversations you have neither seen, nor heard.

I am really happy that your big boss is more than supportive. You have been the subject of conversations with HR and they are working on a rough draft for your transition so they have an idea on how to move forward quickly and easily when you chose to move forward. Don't be too surprised if you see a company wide email reiterating the company policy for no harassment of any person regardless of blah blah blah in the near future.

Hugs!

Ricki

PS When I first saw your name (401) I thought it was a comment on the fact you had revoked authorization for Testosterone and it was no longer found in your system, and thought it was AWESOME! I still do.

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2019, 03:15:22 pm »
Hi Ricki,

I wasn't disappointed that only three people verbalised noticing the nails! I just said I was. These were all more confident, laddish types that mentioned it, not surprisingly. I of course realise that many others will have noticed and felt too awkward to say anything. I've actually been in that boat myself, although the paint on the nails of the gentleman I saw were not something that could be complimented. I'm pleased that mine were. (I've done my wife's nails on many occasions, and my toenails, and also applied nail strengthener to my fingernails, so I'm not a beginner as such.)

I removed the polish on Saturday when it was starting to look not so great. Maybe I should have applied another coat of topcoat in the middle of the week. My nails are naked right now. That's OK; my GD is not heavily pronounced.

Nobody asked me what the colour was in work, but I can tell without looking at the bottle that it was Danny Boy Blue by Rimmel. Although I must say it's strange that I remember that, because my memory isn't exactly great! I know the mind is primed to remember unusual stuff more than run-of-the-mill stuff, but it could also be perhaps because I know Danny Boy well, being something of an amateur musician.

Part of the reason for the experiment was to see if I could rock wearing the nails confidently. I think I did, for the most part!

I know there will have been gossip in the canteen. :-)

I like the idea of looking for the colour you had! But I guess if it's gone, it's gone.

The director of operations who deals with HR among other things has indeed told me that she has started work on a company transgender policy. I guess when that comes out, people will put two and two together! I'm OK with that and actually looking forward to having some fun with it if it comes out that way. :-)

And I LOVE your thinking about the testosterone! Thank you so much for that!

401
« Last Edit: March 28, 2020, 04:39:51 am by Ellie_Arroway »
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Alice V

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2019, 03:22:30 pm »
Hey, nice to hear good news from you :) It's so exciting to see girl in the mirror, congrats with that ^_^
The emperor must strike without hesitations. To entertain doubts is to dance with death.(c)Izaro

HRT since 15 july 2019

My place

Offline Jessica_K

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2019, 03:39:22 pm »
I get a lot of compliments about my nails currently have Margret Dabbs hibiscus on a beautiful pearl pink. Over the weekend the hotel receptionist commented and wanted to know what it was I had on, then today in the art gallery I was told what lovely nail colour and that she thought I always had nice nails. Never had a guy comment though

Like you my nails were the first thing I did now I cannot be without them looking pretty even when I am with my partner and have the dress male

Jessica xx

Ricki

Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2019, 06:33:21 pm »
That color sometimes shows up on Amazon or ebay. The last time I found it, I had to buy both the lacquer with the gel. At least I can take my own gel to the salon if I so choose!

Ricki

Pic. Remove space:

ht tps://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/a2/4e/b8a24ed7c1e17d3302a995f059e0b6fb.jpg

Offline Linde

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2019, 08:49:30 pm »



Warning: Write the name of the polish you have on. When you are asked what color that is, you want the color and the brand. Also helpful for figuring out the reason you can't find the shade you absolutely love is because it was a limited Christmas color in 2017!!!!! <<<Anger!!!!>>>> Example: OPI - Feel the Chemis-Tree. This deep purple is lovely indoors and breathtaking in the sunlight due to the sparkles! I have had cashiers grab. My. Hand. Demanding to know what I have on. Other than the polish, I looked pretty darned boy even wearing skinny jeans and girl running shoes. The woman in line behind me also wrote it down.


This nail polish thing is so true.  Today I was at the gov't office to get my care registered and licensed.  While the agent was toing, I realized that she had almost the identical color on her nails, and I mentioned that.  We stopped talking about my car for about 1/2 hour and had only nail stuff to talk about!

I also feel naked without polish on my nails, without lipstick on my lips and I wear ear rings all the time!


Ricki

Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2019, 04:27:22 am »
Hi Kaz,

I was re-reading this thread and noticed this ^^^^.

You made me cry you wonderful bitch! Like instant leakage when I read it.

Hugs :)

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2019, 11:34:47 am »
You're more than welcome!

And that certainly is a beautiful colour purple.  :)

401
« Last Edit: March 28, 2020, 04:42:17 am by Ellie_Arroway »
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2019, 03:40:52 pm »
Another first today...

At about 21:30 today, I went out wearing wig, makeup, bra, women's T-shirt (it's more like a vest), skirt, tights and women's shoes. Also my normal coat (I don't have any women's coats yet). It was only to put the food waste and recycling bag out for collection, but I thought it was a significant step - and I didn't experience the fear I expected!

I didn't encounter anyone.

It's just another step on the road!
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Alice V

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2019, 03:51:44 pm »
Hey you're more courageous and determinedd than me ;D
It's definitely significant step. How are you feeling?
The emperor must strike without hesitations. To entertain doubts is to dance with death.(c)Izaro

HRT since 15 july 2019

My place

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2019, 05:00:36 pm »
I'm feeling good, actually.

I feel like I'm turning into me, in a weird sense.

I think a lot of this is due to the support I've had from the people I've come out to.

I haven't come out to any of my neighbours yet, though. I thought of telling some of them, but then I thought it would almost be like I was asking their permission and seeking their approval. So instead, I'm going to tell them I'm transitioning when they ask, as they are sure to do at some point.

I started seriously experimenting with my gender a month ago. I've come a long, long way in that time.

401
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Ricki

Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2019, 07:25:00 pm »
I'm feeling good, actually.

I feel like I'm turning into me, in a weird sense.

I think a lot of this is due to the support I've had from the people I've come out to.

I haven't come out to any of my neighbours yet, though. I thought of telling some of them, but then I thought it would almost be like I was asking their permission and seeking their approval. So instead, I'm going to tell them I'm transitioning when they ask, as they are sure to do at some point.

I started seriously experimenting with my gender a month ago. I've come a long, long way in that time.

401

Yes yes and YES! I 1000% agree with the "asking for permission" and "When they ask" plan you have here! Brilliant.
My neighbor is a retired minister. I have no idea what denomination, or how lgbt+ friendly it is however. I left the house the other day wearing a knee length sweater I picked up in Ireland, got in my Rav4, and as I am driving away I see my neighbors wife just staring at me as if her brain just seized up. I waved and kept going.

Made my day!

Hugs,

Ricki

« Last Edit: September 26, 2019, 08:42:55 pm by Jessica »

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Just another mtf tale
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2019, 06:46:52 am »
Yes yes and YES! I 1000% agree with the "asking for permission" and "When they ask" plan you have here! Brilliant.
My neighbor is a retired minister. I have no idea what denomination, or how lgbt+ friendly it is however. I left the house the other day wearing a knee length sweater I picked up in Ireland, got in my Rav4, and as I am driving away I see my neighbors wife just staring at me as if her brain just seized up. I waved and kept going.

Made my day!

Ricki, that's just the sort of thing that would really appeal to me to do. I like having fun like that! :)

And to all...

I think I'm beginning to understand the thing about shoes with women. I've just ordered my third pair of shoes this month! I think I only have about half a dozen men's pairs.

I think it has to do with the selection of different styles available, different size heals, and all that.

The ones I've just gone for have a medium-sized heel with a fairly large surface area. From what I've read, these are the best type to practise heels for the first time. Nice colourful look they are, too. Flowery design. They were mail order only and I'll be able to pick them up on Tuesday. They are sandals so I expect they will fit me without any problems, although of course I can return them if that's not the case.

Women's clothing and shoes have much more colourful and exciting options than men's.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2020, 04:43:15 am by Ellie_Arroway »
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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