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Just another mtf tale

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I see some people chronicle their experiences here, and perhaps if I add mine into the mix, it will help anyone making life-changing decisions like this.

I'm at a very early stage. I crossdressed since teenage years and have always been a bit of a misfit and a somewhat effeminate man. For years, I was interested in TV programmes that featured people who were transgender, like the Thailand beauty pageants.

I don't know how but I came across some people on YouTube who identified as trans. That really opened my eyes. What it gave me compared to what the conventional media portrays is that these people are normal. Some of them can also pass very well.

So I had a week off from work coming up at the end of August 2019. I decided to try some experiments. I had seen quite a few YouTube videos by gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox and bought her book, "You and your Gender Identity."

It uses the scientific approach to analyse yourself and help you decide whether you are trans, and if so, what "bucket" of trans you fit into. I have a physics degree so the use of the scientific approach struck a chord with me.

I started performing gender experiments, including more crossdressing; buying women's clothes in public, including using changing rooms to try them on; buying a makeup kit and trying that out; and I worked up the confidence to try on a pair of women's shoes in the public area of the shop, and went on to buy them when they fit me.

Every experiment I did seemed to confirm to me that my level of happiness increased.

I got into therapy and my therapist encouraged me to try more experiments. I tried things like waxing my legs. Everything I did that was feminine seemed to increase my level of happiness.

I came out to my wife on 1st September 2019. She and I are separated but still have a reasonably good relationship. She was upset at first, but she said she would support me.

I saw my daughter and came out to her on 7th September. She wasn't as upset as my wife, but I think she didn't really understand. She didn't really want me to transition, but as I explained that it might make me happy to do it, she said that if I wanted to do it, I should do it.

I started trying IPL hair removal for my moustache and beard on 8th September. That's something I was considering anyway because I don't particularly like shaving every day. I'm doing it myself and the sessions are supposed to be spaced every two weeks for the first four sessions and thereafter every four weeks until a satisfactory outcome is achieved, with irregular maintenance to follow. If it works, it will save me a ton of money having to go the professional route.

Was I trans or a crossdresser? This was still a question to be answered. That was finally answered to my satisfaction on the weekend of 13th September. On that day, I read that software engineering is one of the most transphobic jobs, with 45% of people saying they would not employ a transgender person in the role. I made a decision not to transition, though it was not a final decision.

Following that decision, I felt really down. I usually exercise once a day, and I just stopped. I do suffer from depression but it's a strange depression that usually doesn't result in me feeling low.

I re-evaluated my decision two days later. I don't know that the statistic is correct, and even if it is, that still leaves 55% of companies that would employ a transgender person. There's plenty of work around for someone like me, so my concerns about work receded. Because of how I had felt when I thought I would not transition, and because of the results of nearly all of the previous experiments, I decided that I should transition.

So the next experiment I carried out was nails! I chose a bold blue colour and painted my fingernails. I then presented with these in work.

Initially, nobody said anything. It took until Wednesday before somebody said something. That was a friendly colleague who said he didn't think he could carry it off. He asked me if I was going to wear a different colour tomorrow! I was slightly embarrassed but on the whole, I enjoyed the interaction.

I spoke to the big boss on that day (18th September), and came out to him. He was amazingly supportive. He said that he doesn't like bullying or discrimination of any kind, and that it's something that the company would absolutely work with. That was fantastic!

On 19th September (the day I am writing this), I went to see the colleague who asked me about colours and asked him what colours he thinks I should try. He didn't have an answer other than various different colours. He also said that I could get double the value by painting my toenails. I said to him, "Who says I haven't?" The look on his face was priceless! It was a good laugh; good-natured banter.

I had compliments from two other colleagues today, one of whom just told me that my nails were nice, and the other who had a few more questions - am I called Jessica on Sundays? I'm not out yet to everyone so I just said I was experimenting and I was most disappointed by the fact that only three people had noticed my nails. Interestingly, these comments came from men; I thought it would be the women that would be more likely to say something, but that didn't happen.

I'm now finding it a lot easier to come out to colleagues. I'm out to three of my work colleagues now and they have all been supportive. There's a lot to do over the next weeks and months, but I am thinking of going full-time female over a timescale that's hopefully not longer than six months. Obviously I'm still experimenting, but it's made me so happy... I believe I've had depression for decades at a low level; it could be that this is the reason.

To be continued... :)

Maid Marion:
Great to hear that your experiments are making you happier!

Alice V:
Hey Unauthorized! Not found is 404 ;D
Sorry just joking :) It was nice to read how you bravely experimenting and moving forth to your dream. Please, continue to share your experience ^_^

Hi, 401.  While there are no doubt some total clods in the software engineering field, the majority only care about one thing: can you produce the code?  If you did a survey of Susan's Place members, you'd likely find that 75% of us are in IT or similar fields.

I like your experiments, and measuring your results by the resulting happiness is a good technique.

I am glad that you are finding yourself, and that it turns out that your workplace is supportive.  Way to go!


--- Quote from: Alice V on September 19, 2019, 05:06:26 pm ---Hey Unauthorized! Not found is 404 ;D
Sorry just joking :) It was nice to read how you bravely experimenting and moving forth to your dream. Please, continue to share your experience ^_^

--- End quote ---

I know not found is 404 and I kicked myself! Obviously, as 401 is unauthorised, I should now ban myself. :-)

I'm actually doing full-stack web development now but I'm coming from a background of embedded engineering, C/C++, and a myriad of other languages - a "jack of all trades" type engineer. I've done a fair bit of Java but am pretty green with Spring and Hibernate and I'm learning those in that good old-fashioned on-the-job way.

I don't want to use up a name change just to correct that. At least it's something people will find funny. :-)


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