Author Topic: Complexities  (Read 292 times)

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Offline SarahEL

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Complexities
« on: September 26, 2019, 05:51:56 pm »
Just a question really. My "transition" is on halt because it has been found I endured years of severe childhood trauma (physical, psychological and sexual). It is widely reported that this kind of trauma can lead to GD.

I can find a LOT of articles about childhood trauma causing GD, but I can find no information anywhere about what happens AFTER the trauma is dealt with? Or any information on what happens to people who have GD then find childhood abuse in their past and then recover from their trauma? It seems that once people "get better" they tend not to inhabit forums for trauma. (I have asked on those too, but got nothing really in reply).

Does this innate feeling of GD, that is causing me to be suicidal at times, just go away? Seems unlikely to me atm.
Is it a case of some then go on and transition anyway?

It is further complicated for me by the fact that medically my endocrine issues mean that I HAVE to take feminising HRT anyway, whatever, for the rest of my life. So, what ever happens, my body is going to feminise. I have already "male failed" on a few occasions (when purposely trying to be male). In my head I am just a woman, my body seems to agree. My therapists do not?

My trauma therapist is estimating about 4-5 years of work before we get someway to dealing with what happened to me as a child (its pretty horrific actually, so yeah and I am dissociated so its very complex). But I have no idea how I can cope not living as me for that time.

It would be great to hear from someone with some RLE on this.

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Dena

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Re: Complexities
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2019, 07:36:35 pm »
No experience but I do have thoughts on the matter. I think that gender dysphoria is something present from birth but it may take years to trigger it or to understand what we are feeling. It could be that being abused as a child triggered gender dysphoria. In cases of DID, I know it's possible to have male and female personalities and maybe a female personality might wish to appear more feminine, I am not sure that drive could be described as gender dysphoria. It is one of the reasons when a question like this comes up, I argue for therapy because you really need to dive deep for information. Which one is the real identity, male or female? It it really dysphoria? It's a hard enough question for most of us on the forum to answer without complications but with them it becomes far more complicated.
Rebirth Date 1982 - My Transition

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Complexities
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2019, 04:56:16 am »
Thanks Dena,

As far as I know here is no division scientifically in "types" of gender dysphoria. I have a psychiatric evaluation that says I have "gender dysphoria" and will "probably" require gender services after trauma therapy. I did not really want to muddy the waters with the whole DID thing. Sure it causes separate parts of personality to appear as distinct but they are also "part of a whole" and make up the original personality - My reasoning, if the GD is present in a part, its present in the whole. You see, the word "probably" on my diagnosis worries me, it cast a shadow over my future.

What I really am interested in (and maybe your experience on this site could help) is people who have GD and then in therapy it is revealed that they also suffer PTSD or cPTSD and go through trauma therapy - What happens to those people, there seems to be a lack of information about them?

In other words, is it as clear cut as "trauma can cause severe GD like symptoms, healing trauma alleviates the GD" or possibly "Trauma is a trigger for GD, resolving the trauma is important but the GD remains". I am guessing that very few people "find" they were abused whilst in gender therapy, but then it begs the question how was the link between GD and trauma established?
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline F_P_M

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Re: Complexities
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2019, 06:31:40 am »
Sadly I don't think it's overly possibly to separate out GD caused or triggered by trauma from GD present at birth and exasebated by said trauma.
The human mind is just too complex.

though that said, I have heard that many therapists like to find literally any excuse to deny your identity. That "probably" would drive me nuts too. I like certainty damnit! But sadly it appears that in all cases of GD, certainty isn't something we can count on. *sigh*

It does sound like your case is far more complex though, that your biochemical needs need to be taken into account as well as resolving this trauma.

I do wish you luck on that journey. What a headache.

I suppose im fortunate that the ptsd i'm told I have is only triggered by a very specific event that can't happen again, phew. But I do remember how awful it was to have it triggered and the whole situation that lead to the psych team assessing me. It sucked.
Though I have to ask how much of the trauma was just trauma and how much was made WORSE by underlying dysphoria I hadn't acknowledged.
We'll never know.

dividing GD from everything else is like trying to hold the moon in your hand.

I do hope you find some clarity in therapy though, and some relief.


Offline SarahEL

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Re: Complexities
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2019, 09:28:39 am »
Thanks F_P_M for your kind and insightful reply. I am so sorry to hear you went through a trauma bad enough to cause PTSD. That sucks!

It was informative to read what you went through with the assessment for your PTSD. It is hard.
I have a really good therapist who is advising caution. I would not say she is denying anything, just telling me to hold on. I suppose it is frustrating me as I am at that point where I am ready to just live full-time, legally, change name and all that.

I suppose I just need a crystal ball or just resign myself to being andro for a good few years. Honestly if I could shake off the GD I would be happy, if I was not trans after all then great. That's what I find difficult to deal with, no matter how hard I fight it, I am just binary female inside my head and I don't understand how that relates to my past. It feels as if this was hidden inside all along (and then the feelings of a wasted life thanks to trauma do not help). I am 49 now, been dealing with this for 3 years - Time is ebbing away.
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

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