Topic: Laura's FFS Journal

[Laura1951]

@OldAndCreaky, @Wendi, @Danielle, @Katie76

Thank you all for asking.

The challenge of having so many threads (FFS, HRT, and others) is that my real progress and thoughts can get lost between threads. I expect to update this thread on the 18th, the third month anniversary of my FFS. (but so far, not much change since month two.)

The real changes to my life, and there are many, are being documented on my blog, One New Life to Live

Laura

[Laura1951]

FFS Post-Op, Three Months

It's a relief to reach the three-month mark for my FFS, although little has changed the past month.

First, regarding my nose, which was injured by a swift tennis ball a month ago. Swelling and numbness from that event seems to have subsided and while i've reported that i didn't think there was any damage, i am feeling little bumps along the sides and on top when i run my fingers up and down my nose. This may just be being too cautious because i see no visible effects when i look in the mirror. For now, i'm content to wait for my next follow-up appointment in 3-4 months to ask the surgeon's advice about my nose and any recommended revisions.

Because swelling is supposed to slowly lesson over the first six to 12 months, it's difficult to report on how my face looks now compared to a month ago. I do know that the top of my head still has no feeling, although i often have phantom itches that i can't scratch. Numbness along my jaw, chin and bottom lip seem to be improving, although it still feels like i've just been to the dentist and the Novocain is slow to wear off.

One effect of my FFS is that i'm now feeling more confident about being Laura in public. i can't say i pass, because i still see <deadname> when i look in the mirror, but i'm humbled when my friends here, and in RL, say that i am. i hope i can begin believing that soon. LOL.  Of course, hiding my face behind a face mask doesn't hurt.

Onward,

Laura

[AllieSF]

Laura,

I like your new avatar, you definitely look different and more female now, cute and attractive.  I had the similar itchiness on my scalp along and around the suture lines, but not on the forehead suture.  My FFS was in January this year and my center scalp, between the sutures that go toward the back of my head is still numb. The area along the back of my jaw and cheeks has regained most of its feeling.  As my doctor said, it just takes time and the scalp may not recover all of its feeling, which I am finally use to now.

I say, do not worry about your looks now and just enjoy being you doing you things.  Thanks for the updates.

Ally

[Oldandcreaky]

I do know that the top of my head still has no feeling, although i often have phantom itches that i can't scratch.

Ally nailed it. A scalp is slow to recover. On 90% of my scalp, I have 100% sensation. On 10% of it, I have 85% sensation. I expect I'll never have 100% everywhere as it's been about nine years.

[sarahc]

Laura:

Everything you discuss (besides the nose injury) continues to be very consistent with my experience. Also, I am definitely more confident now going out and about.

Sarah

[Laura1951]

@AllieSF, @OldAndCreaky, & @SarahC

First, thanks for the nice words about my appearance. i'm still somewhat cautious when Laura goes out, but COVID masks work wonders for passing.  i've reached the point where i'm taking more pictures, possibly because i'm feeling more secure. FFS isn't a miracle operation, but it can help us reach a tipping point in our ability to pass.

It sounds like scalp numbness is fairly common and i may or may not achieve feelings over 100% on top. I can live with that as long as i can regain full feeling in my jaw, chin, and lower lip. Some progress is being made, but i understand this can take some time.

Thank you again for replying.

Onward.

[Laura1951]

December 18, 2020

FFS, Four Months Post-Op


It's only Four months? It feels like longer since i looked like i got run over by a truck.

Little has changed since my three month report. However, the incision inside my mouth, which had been swollen since surgery, has now returned to normal.  No one would notice, except me when i run my tongue along the bottom insides of my mouth.

Otherwise, I can't tell if i look any different now than i did at the three month mark. Numbing, which includes complete lack of feeling on the top of my head, limited feeling in my forehead, a stiffness in my nose, and numbness along my jawline, chin and lower lip, continues.

Now,  i do realize that after surgery nerves take about a month off before beginning to regenerate, after which they may grow at 1mm/day. That surgeons say it could take a year before i regain feelings, tells me that there's lots of growing to do. i'm also away that I may never regain feeling in those parts of my face and head. If that's the cost of the process, i'll be fine. However, i'm rooting that some sensitivity returns.

For the past several months, i've sometimes felt an itch on my head that didn't respond to scratching, which may be a sign of nerve growth. OR, it could be that nerve endings are like cats; they can be jerks at times.

[Another Nikki]

thanks for continuing to update this thread laura.  happy holidays!

[Laura1951]

February 18, 2021


Six Month FFS Post-Op Report


It seems years since i got my FFS, but then so much has happened the past six months that FFS seems distant.

The hardest part of transition, apart from the fear, is the difficulty in seeing Laura when i look in the mirror. I knew beforehand that i'd be relying on FFS to make my face more feminine and, if successful, i'd have the opportunity to be Laura in public.

Well, by the six week post-op mark, Laura made her debut with a good friend as we went out to lunch and do some shopping. I'm still very fond of the picture of me that day. Over the past six months, i'm assuming much, if not all of the swelling, has gone down, but i'm hard pressed to see any differences between my two-month pictures and today's.

When i look in the mirror today, i do see some differences, but sans make-up and wig, i have trouble seeing Laura. I'm much more comfortable and confident once i'm put together for the day.

Numbness on the top of my head, chin and lower lip still seems to be the same and while it's possible I'll regain sensation, i'm not holding out hope. I'm not bothered by this either. I'll ask a few questions during the next post-op consultation with the surgeon, whenever that is. Numbness along my jaw seems to be a bit better.

In all, i'm glad i took this step. I'd never have the confidence to out myself to everyone and go full-time without it.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I am so very glad that you posted your  "Six Month FFS Post-Op Report"

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you look totally like Laura in your current Avatar profile photo and also your previous Avatar profile photos!!!!

I am certain that you know that there are lots of things you can do with your appearance in addition to your FFS.   All of these things can help increase your self-assurance and self-confidence.

Mirrors and Cameras can be your enemy, and of course, like all of us, we can be our own most critical critic.

Continue going out and about as Laura.... and if possible bring along a supportive and accepting friend.
Safety in numbers !

The more that you go out and about as Laura provides more "practice" in adjusting your physical appearance and your mannerisms.... an accepting woman friend tagging along with you can be of a big help regarding those issues.

As you continue on in your journey I will be eagerly looking for your future positngs.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle

[Laura1951]

August 18, 2021

One-Year, Post FFS Report

It's hard to believe that i received FFS one year ago. Oh, i understand the impatience we all feel during the before and after procedures. Given that transition takes four to five years, many of us, including those of us who just began in our 60s, can hardly wait to see the progression to our new selves.

i get it. Wait weeks or months for each of the gateways to talk to a surgeon, followed by a long wait (for me, 15 months) until surgery. Then, wait six to 12 months to see how things turn out. Yes, i know it drives us all a little nuts. For me, it was 27 months from my initial consultation until today. Impatience is a funny thing.  Stop paying attention and time surprisingly passes quickly.

While it's been one year since my FFS, this won't be my last report. Because of COVID, my six-month review with my surgeon was delayed by two months, as will my one-year follow up. After my last visit with Dr. Shi, i'll close out this thread with a final post.

So, where am I, what's different, and how do i feel about my FFS?

That's a complicated question.

First, FFS is not a miracle operation. I was never promised to be Barbie afterwards (darn), only that subtle changes would be made to my face, hence the title Facial Feminization.

Do i see subtle changes? Yes, but with reservations. I can see my nose is different and for once, i'm not a mouth breather any more. (I had a deviated septum, so now i can easily breath through my nose.) Others tell me my face looks more feminine, which is nice.

However, while more feminine, i still don't see Laura in the mirror, before or after make-up. I still get clocked and stared at nearly every time i'm out in public. Some of us are born with good genes and bone structure. Some of us are not. Does it matter? To some extent, yes. I long to just blend in and to not be noticed, but to go backwards is NOT in the cards. I AM Laura, I NEED to be Laura, and these obstacles won't stop me, even though they crush me a bit inside when they happen.

How are things different from my six-month report?

Lips: For most of the year, i could not blow air through my lips to make them flap, also called a motorboat or lip-trill. My lower lip was still too numb to make this tongue-less raspberry. Recently, things have improved although blowing a motorboat still takes a bit of effort. Small steps.

Numbness: Overall, the numbness i've experienced in my lip, chin, forehead, and top of head has improved. Oh, i still feel numbness, but i'm glad things have improved somewhat. I'd say i've regained 50-70% of the sensation in these areas. Will things continue to improve in the next six to 12 months? Who knows. I'd like to not have that feeling, but i also wouldn't go back and not have FFS.

Transition is a thousand-mile journey. FFS was just one stop along the way. I'd do it again.

Onward,

Laura

[Laura1951]

October 3, 2021

Final FFS Follow-Up with Surgeon

On Thursday, I trekked into the Bay Area for my COVID-delayed one-year follow-up with Dr. Shi, the surgeon who performed my FFS. It was an opportunity for him to check his work, take pictures of the final product, and hear my feedback. All my feelings can be found in my last post, but taking look at before and after pictures does show how different my face is now. FFS is a subtle operation which means the changes are slow to recognize. In addition, it takes time for your mind to adapt to the revised you, which I can confirm. I won't post before pictures here, due to the dysphoria, but overall, this is a procedure I'm happy I was able to receive.

Onward.

Laura

[Pammie]

October 3, 2021

Final FFS Follow-Up with Surgeon

On Thursday, I trekked into the Bay Area for my COVID-delayed one-year follow-up with Dr. Shi, the surgeon who performed my FFS. It was an opportunity for him to check his work, take pictures of the final product, and hear my feedback. All my feelings can be found in my last post, but taking look at before and after pictures does show how different my face is now. FFS is a subtle operation which means the changes are slow to recognize. In addition, it takes time for your mind to adapt to the revised you, which I can confirm. I won't post before pictures here, due to the dysphoria, but overall, this is a procedure I'm happy I was able to receive.

Onward.

Laura

But do you see Laura yet?
I have had no surgery (i will have GCS when the NHS can fit me in) but I saw Pammie in the mirror the first time I dressed and I’ve only ever seen Pammie since I went full time so I guess im one of the lucky ones.


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[Oldandcreaky]

Laura, I had FFS nearly 20 years ago and I feel like my sensation is still recovering. The top of my head is where I was numbest and there are moments when scratching my head is more pleasurable than any other itching in my life. I attribute that to nerves rebooting, but I could be wrong.

I hate that you're clocked. Can you tell me a little more about that, perhaps through a couple anecdotes?

[Laura1951]

October 3, 2021

@Pammie @OldAndCreaky

Do I see Laura yet?
I do at times, mostly when I'm all made up and around friends. Most of the time, though, when i look in the mirror, I still see him. I think this is partly because I WAS him for 65+ years that my mental image has been difficult to update. I've often said that transition is a thousand mile journey, taken one step at a time. While I expect my journey will take at least five years, of which i'm just starting year three, it's also possible that becoming fully Laura might take many more years.

However, my friends see her. Last night, when Yeng (my tennis partner) and her friends came over for dinner and drinks, they asked to see a picture of me and my ex-wife, who i always thought was beautiful. Now, they had never met <deadname> nor had they know my old name until recently. I trust them sufficiently that i pulled the picture off my sever to show them. Looking back and forth between the picture and me, they exclaimed that i look very different now, that <deadname> was definitely male while i looked female. They see Laura more than i do and, for now, that has to be enough.

Regarding being clocked.
This happens almost daily and while some people "maam" me, i also suspect that there are many people who clock me but are too polite to make an issue of it. These are the people who are decent. The only anecdote i can recall is one i shared earlier about when i had my passport picture taken this summer. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,253460.msg2430056.html#msg2430056

[Pammie]

October 3, 2021

@Pammie @OldAndCreaky

Do I see Laura yet?
I do at times, mostly when I'm all made up and around friends. Most of the time, though, when i look in the mirror, I still see him. I think this is partly because I WAS him for 65+ years that my mental image has been difficult to update. I've often said that transition is a thousand mile journey, taken one step at a time. While I expect my journey will take at least five years, of which i'm just starting year three, it's also possible that becoming fully Laura might take many more years.

However, my friends see her. Last night, when Yeng (my tennis partner) and her friends came over for dinner and drinks, they asked to see a picture of me and my ex-wife, who i always thought was beautiful. Now, they had never met <deadname> nor had they know my old name until recently. I trust them sufficiently that i pulled the picture off my sever to show them. Looking back and forth between the picture and me, they exclaimed that i look very different now, that <deadname> was definitely mail while i looked female. They see Laura more than i do and, for now, that has to be enough.

Regarding being clocked.
This happens almost daily and while some people "maam" me, i also suspect that there are many people who clock me but are too polite to make an issue of it. These are the people who are decent. The only anecdote i can recall is one i shared earlier about when i had my passport picture taken this summer. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,253460.msg2430056.html#msg2430056

I am fascinated but lack expertise to really understand the complexities of seeing oneself. Some people need to make so many changes via surgery than they are not themselves anymore is how it comes across. For me weight loss, hormones and just going full time was enough. I’ve never seen my shadow self for well over 4 years. The question in my mind is do people feel pressurised to try to become some mythical person aligned with media representation or us it just an attempt to aim for what correct puberty might have achieved?
Genuinely intrigued. I know I could make improvements via FFS but the vast majority (99%+) of women don’t have cosmetic surgery so I don’t feel the need either. GCS is not cosmetic of course and in the UK FFS is not available on the NHS which suggests how it is considered.


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[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I am glad that when you look in a mirror and/or see a current picture of yourself that you really do see "Laura" ...
... and your Tennis Partner Yeng and friends told you that they see Laura.

At this point you do not need to have doubts about that, go confidently forward as Laura.

I just love your new Avatar Profile picture of you and Yeng...   beautiful and happy ladies for sure.

Thank you for sharing and posting with me and the rest of your avid followers.
HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS,
Danielle

[Laura1951]

August 29, 2022

Two-Year Update

It's hard to believe that two years have passed since I had FFS. Transitions are long journeys, measured in years with milestones helping us feel that we're making steady progress. For me, FFS was THE milestone I needed before I would feel comfortable being outside as Laura.

Regarding how I feel two years post-op, I can say that some numbness remains at the two year mark, and will probably not disappear. I feel some numbness in forehead, my jaw, and my upper lip. Now, I'm not really unhappy, although I'm disappointed I can't easily wiggle my nose anymore (great parlor trick if you're immature.)  For me, it's a compromise worth making for having a face that is more feminine.

Did FFS make me feel feminine? Not at all. That's all mental work. I continue to have a difficult time seeing Laura in the mirror, although I DO see her in pictures I take. ( I can't even begin to explain why). What I DO know (and I've written about this) is that some people have no idea I'm trans, while others easily clock me. For now, I can live with that.

Two years post FFS and closing in on three years on HRT. Not a bad place to be. My transition is far from over, but at least I'm making progress.

Onward.

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I am overjoyed to read of your success and happiness that have resulted from your transition journey as you made progress toward your goals.

I am glad to read that your FFS and your personal choices of grooming, clothing and appearance does make it possible for a lot of people that you meet have no idea that you are a transgender woman. 
I also enjoy that advantage as well.   That alone is a great accomplishment.
Now the mental work... you should start trying to see Laura in the mirror...

Thank you for sharing, updating and posting.
As always I eagerly look for any of your posting around the Forums.
HUGS and best wishes to you.
Danielle

[Dorit]

Laura, you look great in your avatar and I am happy to hear about your progress.  You wrote:

 What I DO know (and I've written about this) is that some people have no idea I'm trans, while others easily clock me. For now, I can live with that.

I find that true for me too.  Some people just have what I would call trans radar, while most do not.  In any case, I have learned to accept this because after all, I am trans!

I would add that I am on a Facebook group of thousands of TALL women.  One of the common complaints about being tall is that some people think they are trans!