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Letter about the New Normal

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Thanks for sharing your letter. You are so thoughtful and dedicated. Although my spouse is not good at writing as you, she probably felt the same things. A difference is I maintain all my official documents as a husband and a dad. Even I am not on hormone treatment.

Whatever I wear, look like or am called, I have been essentially the same person to my family, relatives, friends, and colleagues. My soul has been the same whatever my outer appearance looks like.

BTW, IMHO, sins and are products of humans, not of God. If you live alone in the world, you do not need moral or law. Ethics and law would become meaningless if you live alone in the world or in an isolated island. Your nature was not bad or good at birth. By making relationships with other humans, certain social rules were created, and we call them moral or law. Nowadays, the states and nations are the most detrimental in establishing ethics and law. This is a basic teaching of Buddhism and also you may find a similar rationale in the best-selling book "Guns, Germs and Steele" written by J. Diamond.

Thanks again for your moving post.


First, I don't care if I get credit for this post. I need to write it! ...Confused

--- Quote from: Anne T on October 17, 2019, 08:49:32 pm ---I have not been active on this thread in many months as I've been learning to live a new normal since my spouse came out to me last December.  My spouses ex girlfriend wants my perspective on my journey as she has been struggling to accept the transition. I wrote her the letter below  explaining my heart.

--- End quote ---

Frances, I hope you are still on here and find my reply.

I was deeply moved by this to the point of tears! You are a GREAT wife. I have struggled on and off throughout my life with thoughts that seemed to be wrong as I think your spouse probably did. I am more non-binary and don’t have much need for the social aspect. I think I have come across Susan R’s name during my searches here. I am a Born Again Christian and attend a very conservative church. As you did, I perform a couple of functions in the church besides being just a member. I am married with adult children.

I suffer an issue caused by a surgery that is worse than my dysphoria. I have searched everywhere I could think of to try to find a way to alleviate it. On another forum that led me to Susans I found what seems to be the only path to fix my surgery issue and in addition could help my dysphoria. I have actually read a few posts on Susans over a few months. A couple weeks ago, I came across another thread here that is the life story of another member written over the last couple of years. It touched me as yours and stirred my heart to start posting and get in the conversations. The author has struggled over doing what was needed and hurting her spouse and ruining the marriage. It helped me to get another look at myself.

I have prayed to God more than once for guidance on what I should do. The surgery I mentioned was for prostate removal. I made a mental plan for when and who I was going to see for a therapist. The cancer returned and changed my timing a little. It also caused me to get radiation and 2 years of Lupron recommended. The Lupron shuts off Testosterone production. This way I got to experience the effect of little to no testosterone without having to go to an endocrinologist to get hrt. Every step of the way God seems to affirm that this is what I need to do. If I pray for a sign to prod me on to the next step, it happens.  My interaction with doctors and the way my first therapy session went also helped to confirm that.

I was very scared to go to a therapist, especially in the area I live. I felt I had to tell the absolute truth. When I had my first therapy session I told the therapist that my number one reason for GRS was more about the surgical issue than dysphoria. I told her everything including a confrontation with my urologist about a year earlier. I gave the therapist a copy of what he wrote about it. It was bad enough it actually helped!   I timed therapy so she got to see the me with and without testosterone. She confirmed I was Transgender on the second visit and told me she was going to see if she could short circuit the process because of what she realized I was enduring. I told her I can make it as long as it takes to get GRS, but I didn’t want to live a long life like this. It normally takes 2 letters and I get the impression she might help me with that to get the surgery.

My wife was not as understanding as you, at least not at first. She does not know of my dysphoria, only the other issue. She was the first person I opened up to about GRS after mulling it around in my head for about 6 months. We had discussions over a few weeks that didn’t seem to make any progress. I finally asked her if she would have a problem living as my wife if I had been in the military and stepped on a landmine destroying the parts she seems to need. After a week or so of thinking about it, she came back and told me that the land mine really hit home. She said she loves me and will still love me no matter what. When I told her of the 1st therapist appointment I could see a little disappointment, but she is still behind me.

After more prayer, I talked with my preacher. I knew the Transgender part would not be well received by many in my church, so I did not name it. We live very much in the Bible belt. When he understood the physical ailment I have, my preacher actually supported my doing it. I still have questions, but actually feel that my path has been opened up by God, maybe to change a few minds? At this point I don’t know who or how many we will open up to and tell. I think one of my children will be able to accept it, but not so sure about the other. I am much more concerned as to what any of this might do to my wife than to me. While I think no Christian should purposely sin, I do agree that nothing in the bible appears to call being Transgender a sin. As you, I have looked to see.


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