Author Topic: Conflicted feelings.  (Read 1605 times)

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Offline JamesM

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Conflicted feelings.
« on: October 28, 2019, 03:14:40 pm »
I posted here earlier.

Well, I talked to my therapist and he sent me to a hospital that specializes in transcare. I met with them and they took my blood and gave me some information about hormone therapy. I have a follow up appointment in 2 days. I am feeling really excited about this, but I've also got a lot of mixed feelings.

I have always been very out of touch with my emotions. I repress things a lot, so some times I don't even know how I really feel. For years I've talked myself out of feeling gender dysphoria, I've mocked transgender people and rationalized away any feelings with logic and scriptures and studies and excuses. I never really get sad. But I think I'm feeling depressed.

The thing is my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something else. I want to transition, but my beliefs are telling me otherwise. And I feel weak for giving into my desires. But I feel very apathetic and unmotivated right now, and I just need a change. I can't deny I really want to do this, despite all the objections in my mind. Idk.

Offline Renee.D

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2019, 03:28:24 pm »
I posted here earlier.

Well, I talked to my therapist and he sent me to a hospital that specializes in transcare. I met with them and they took my blood and gave me some information about hormone therapy. I have a follow up appointment in 2 days. I am feeling really excited about this, but I've also got a lot of mixed feelings.

I have always been very out of touch with my emotions. I repress things a lot, so some times I don't even know how I really feel. For years I've talked myself out of feeling gender dysphoria, I've mocked transgender people and rationalized away any feelings with logic and scriptures and studies and excuses. I never really get sad. But I think I'm feeling depressed.

The thing is my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something else. I want to transition, but my beliefs are telling me otherwise. And I feel weak for giving into my desires. But I feel very apathetic and unmotivated right now, and I just need a change. I can't deny I really want to do this, despite all the objections in my mind. Idk.
My parents our pastors. I grew up ultra conservative and had to go through feelings of conflict from my religion and upbringing.

I am more than happy to talk with you in depth about how you can be transgender and transition without compromising your faith.

Looking through scripture with a non biased opinion on what they mean, using the original translations and studying the circumstances around when the specific scriptures were written are necessary to grasp what the authors originally intended.

We can PM or email!
Lacy
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Offline BlueJaye

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2019, 04:14:11 pm »
Hi, James, I have been following your posts and I am pretty sure most of us here (maybe all of us) can relate to how you're feeling right now.

I was super deep in denial for years. When I first started learning about people transitioning in my early twenties (almost 20 years ago!) I deeply desired to do the same but my conservative evangelical framework screamed condemnation within me. I played along with the transphobic crowd I was part of, secretly hating myself for being a hypocrite. But I was safe, right? Safe and miserable.

I don't want to overrun your thread with theological stuff, but if you ever need someone to discuss religious beliefs and perceived conflicts with, I am available. Shoot me a PM if you don't feel comfortable discussing it out in the open. I still consider myself an evangelical Christian and put myself through the wringer trying to reconcile my beliefs with who and what I am.

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2019, 10:52:23 am »
My parents our pastors. I grew up ultra conservative and had to go through feelings of conflict from my religion and upbringing.

I am more than happy to talk with you in depth about how you can be transgender and transition without compromising your faith.

Looking through scripture with a non biased opinion on what they mean, using the original translations and studying the circumstances around when the specific scriptures were written are necessary to grasp what the authors originally intended.

We can PM or email!
Lacy

Hi, James, I have been following your posts and I am pretty sure most of us here (maybe all of us) can relate to how you're feeling right now.

I was super deep in denial for years. When I first started learning about people transitioning in my early twenties (almost 20 years ago!) I deeply desired to do the same but my conservative evangelical framework screamed condemnation within me. I played along with the transphobic crowd I was part of, secretly hating myself for being a hypocrite. But I was safe, right? Safe and miserable.

I don't want to overrun your thread with theological stuff, but if you ever need someone to discuss religious beliefs and perceived conflicts with, I am available. Shoot me a PM if you don't feel comfortable discussing it out in the open. I still consider myself an evangelical Christian and put myself through the wringer trying to reconcile my beliefs with who and what I am.

Hey,
Thank you both for replying. Yes, I would love to talk over PM about this, or here if you would like.

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2019, 07:36:33 pm »
I can't imagine how it is for someone around all those beliefs. I have such a hard time already just with society's general thoughts. I guess I can say I do understand to a degree since I feel conflicted, but most of the conflict is with thoughts and feelings that aren't really my own. I want to acknowledge what I know to be important for me so much, so I try to tell myself that it's things I picked up that don't serve me, that my heart is much more important. And I believe that. I just need more confidence to know that it's good, for me, and everyone should be able to follow what's good for them. I believe in divinity that acknowledges that.

:)

Offline supertall_nobody

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2019, 06:36:38 am »
I am right there with you James.  BlueJaye has been a great resource and I am beginning my independent study of scripture and the Christian forum here for encouragement.

Add in the non-supportive and judgemental family (nuclear and extended) and you have right where I am right now.

If you figure it all out, please come back and share for us others tripping over ourselves with internal conflict.

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2019, 07:24:05 pm »
I am right there with you James.  BlueJaye has been a great resource and I am beginning my independent study of scripture and the Christian forum here for encouragement.

Add in the non-supportive and judgemental family (nuclear and extended) and you have right where I am right now.

If you figure it all out, please come back and share for us others tripping over ourselves with internal conflict.

Will do. I have afeeling this is going to take a while to sort out.

Went to see the doc today. She says she feels I am not ready to go on T but she is willing to do that after I see another counsellor who specializes in gender dysphoria to work out my conflicting feelings. In the meantime she said she will work with me to help me present asmore masculine using safer medications. I'm using the minoxidil so far

BlueJaye and Lacy I don't know how to PM so if you'dlike to PM about this would you please initiate it? I also don'tmind talking here if you don't

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2019, 08:49:01 pm »
I am sooo confused. Whycan't I reply to PMs?

Offline Renee.D

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2019, 08:54:48 pm »
I am sooo confused. Whycan't I reply to PMs?
How many posts do you have? I believe there is a minimum post count.
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Offline BlueJaye

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2019, 09:00:42 pm »
I am sooo confused. Whycan't I reply to PMs?

I’ll have to check, but I think there is a minimum post count threshold that you have to meet before you have PM privileges.

Offline BlueJaye

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2019, 09:06:17 pm »
Okay, I checked. You need a post count of 15 before you are able to send PMs.

Offline BlueJaye

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2019, 09:06:34 pm »
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Offline Anjanette Miranda

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2019, 09:14:51 pm »
Because
 don't think you have enough posts yet I think it's 25

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2019, 10:12:21 pm »
The following are a list of the post ranks and staff titles you might see on the site and the number of posts required if any. Please let me know if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions.

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Oh, ok.

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2019, 12:16:38 pm »
Thanks fomessaging me.  I will reply when I can.

Offline BlueJaye

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2019, 06:34:27 am »
Hi, James,
How are you doing this week? I hope all is well.

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2019, 01:11:07 pm »
Hi, James,
How are you doing this week? I hope all is well.
Hey,
You know, same old same old. I have been putting off making the appointment for the therapist, but I've been putting off pretty much everything. I just can't find the motivation to do anything. It's really frustrating. I've been using the minoxidil for a few weeks now... haven't noticed any results, but noticing some side effects. And one of the side effects listed was fatigue, but then I had a lack of energy before I started it too. Partly why I was hoping I could be on t by now to possibly balance that out. Apparently you might not even see results for 6 months. I'm tempted to just quit, but I know I'll regret that. Whatever I decide to do, I feel compelled to see it through to the end.

Anyway, thanks for asking.

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2019, 03:42:39 pm »
Hey,
You know, same old same old. I have been putting off making the appointment for the therapist, but I've been putting off pretty much everything. I just can't find the motivation to do anything. It's really frustrating. I've been using the minoxidil for a few weeks now... haven't noticed any results, but noticing some side effects. And one of the side effects listed was fatigue, but then I had a lack of energy before I started it too. Partly why I was hoping I could be on t by now to possibly balance that out. Apparently you might not even see results for 6 months. I'm tempted to just quit, but I know I'll regret that. Whatever I decide to do, I feel compelled to see it through to the end.

Anyway, thanks for asking.

I put so much stuff off too for quite a long time. Medication can take time to affect the body, but if it's important to you, then it can be worth it. I don't know what kind of therapist you have, but maybe they could help you with some of your feelings. The ones I saw weren't really that great for me, but they still helped me put a few thoughts together, and I guess in a way I had to be there for myself and try to understand my own feelings. And I'm glad I did since I'm the best person to listen to my heart :P

Offline nue

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2019, 06:11:31 pm »
When I first started taking the idea of being a trans woman seriously, the first thing I was thinking was how to reconcile that with my faith, not just for me, but to defend myself against all my conservative Christian friends and family who would no doubt have serious reservations accepting me for who I am.

I found a great book on Audible, and it was like having a huge weight off my shoulders immediately.  The book is called Transforming, The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke. The book alternates between analyzing scripture dealing with transgender people (or as close as the Bible gets) and sharing stories of several  people who have all had different experiences within the Church.

Unclobber, Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality by Colby Martin was also great, since sexuality was also a question for me. Also, I'm sure it will come up when I come out anyway, so it's nice to have more knowledge to cover all the angles.

It has alleviated a lot of anxiety for me knowing everything I learned in these books. I still have lots of hurdles to get over in figuring myself out, but it's great that my faith isn't one of those anymore.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Offline JamesM

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Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2019, 06:19:02 pm »
I put so much stuff off too for quite a long time. Medication can take time to affect the body, but if it's important to you, then it can be worth it. I don't know what kind of therapist you have, but maybe they could help you with some of your feelings. The ones I saw weren't really that great for me, but they still helped me put a few thoughts together, and I guess in a way I had to be there for myself and try to understand my own feelings. And I'm glad I did since I'm the best person to listen to my heart :P
The therapist I had in highschool understood me much better, but this isn't really his specialty. I was referred by my other therapist to the doctor who referred me to another therapist who said he doesn't take medicaid but will refer me to another therapist, so here's hoping I find somebody who works for me lol.

When I first started taking the idea of being a trans woman seriously, the first thing I was thinking was how to reconcile that with my faith, not just for me, but to defend myself against all my conservative Christian friends and family who would no doubt have serious reservations accepting me for who I am.

I found a great book on Audible, and it was like having a huge weight off my shoulders immediately.  The book is called Transforming, The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke. The book alternates between analyzing scripture dealing with transgender people (or as close as the Bible gets) and sharing stories of several  people who have all had different experiences within the Church.

Unclobber, Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality by Colby Martin was also great, since sexuality was also a question for me. Also, I'm sure it will come up when I come out anyway, so it's nice to have more knowledge to cover all the angles.

It has alleviated a lot of anxiety for me knowing everything I learned in these books. I still have lots of hurdles to get over in figuring myself out, but it's great that my faith isn't one of those anymore.

Hope this helps and good luck!

I'll check out some of these resources, but I'm skeptical because I already know my Bible very well. I doubt they will tell me anything I haven't already heard.

Here's something interesting I learned recently though... did you know that Joan of Arc's official capital offense was crossdressing?

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