Author Topic: Conflicted feelings.  (Read 1603 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline BlueJaye

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,074
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2019, 07:27:19 am »
When I first started taking the idea of being a trans woman seriously, the first thing I was thinking was how to reconcile that with my faith, not just for me, but to defend myself against all my conservative Christian friends and family who would no doubt have serious reservations accepting me for who I am.

I found a great book on Audible, and it was like having a huge weight off my shoulders immediately.  The book is called Transforming, The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke. The book alternates between analyzing scripture dealing with transgender people (or as close as the Bible gets) and sharing stories of several  people who have all had different experiences within the Church.

Unclobber, Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality by Colby Martin was also great, since sexuality was also a question for me. Also, I'm sure it will come up when I come out anyway, so it's nice to have more knowledge to cover all the angles.

It has alleviated a lot of anxiety for me knowing everything I learned in these books. I still have lots of hurdles to get over in figuring myself out, but it's great that my faith isn't one of those anymore.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Hi, Nue,
Austen Hartke is a really great guy. I have had some email correspondence with him and am trying to set up a meeting with him on my next trip into the Twin Cities area. His understanding of the Old Testament is really great.

Reconciling our faith with who we are can be a big obstacle to get over. It took me years to do it. Helping others through the minefield of being a transgender Christian is something I am very passionate about. I would be happy to try to help you with any questions or issues you may have about it.

Offline BlueJaye

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,074
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2019, 07:59:55 am »
The therapist I had in highschool understood me much better, but this isn't really his specialty. I was referred by my other therapist to the doctor who referred me to another therapist who said he doesn't take medicaid but will refer me to another therapist, so here's hoping I find somebody who works for me lol.

I'll check out some of these resources, but I'm skeptical because I already know my Bible very well. I doubt they will tell me anything I haven't already heard.

Here's something interesting I learned recently though... did you know that Joan of Arc's official capital offense was crossdressing?

Hey, James,
Yeah, I had read that. History is full of interesting things. Just a few hundred years ago the way you dress could get you killed. Or was that really that long ago..

Offline ramilove

  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 100
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2019, 10:17:51 am »
I share your feelings. Last night after years of agonizing over whether or not to transition into being a woman, I told my wife that I was going to officially start my transition.  This morning I woke with major feelings of self doubt and loneliness. Last night I was sure, this morning when I woke up I was unsure. A cup of coffee helped wash away most of the self doubt. Seeing that I was not alone really helped with my feelings of loneliness. Thank you for sharing.
Electrolysis 3/4/2020
Estradiol 3/10/2020

Offline John406

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • Reputation: +3/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2019, 10:29:53 am »
I posted here earlier.

Well, I talked to my therapist and he sent me to a hospital that specializes in transcare. I met with them and they took my blood and gave me some information about hormone therapy. I have a follow up appointment in 2 days. I am feeling really excited about this, but I've also got a lot of mixed feelings.

I have always been very out of touch with my emotions. I repress things a lot, so some times I don't even know how I really feel. For years I've talked myself out of feeling gender dysphoria, I've mocked transgender people and rationalized away any feelings with logic and scriptures and studies and excuses. I never really get sad. But I think I'm feeling depressed.

The thing is my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something else. I want to transition, but my beliefs are telling me otherwise. And I feel weak for giving into my desires. But I feel very apathetic and unmotivated right now, and I just need a change. I can't deny I really want to do this, despite all the objections in my mind. Idk.

A common attack against <transgender> individuals by the religiously devout is, "God doesn't make mistakes." Personally, I don't believe in God, but if I did, I would agree. God doesn't make mistakes. But unlike others, I don't mean this as an attack; I mean it as an affirmation. YOU are not a mistake; your feelings are not a mistake. God knows all that is, has been, and will be; therefore logically, everything is predetermined and you are exactly as He wants you to be, and no matter where you are in life, you are RIGHT on time for being there; it's all part of the plan. God made us all individually and different, and loves all of us unconditionally regardless of our many diversities, and perhaps even BECAUSE of those diversities. You can choose to see being trans as a curse from God, or you can choose to see it as something unique, and special; like a diamond. If I believed in God, then I'd also believe that everything God created is good, including you. He WANTS you to feel special, like any father would want for his children. And always keep in mind that God did not write the Holy Bible. Human beings wrote the Bible, and human beings are flawed at times. If what you read in the Bible doesn't feel righteous and true in your heart, that's God telling you personally that it's a load of bull, and to trust in His plan for YOU specifically; not some old fart from thousands of years ago who was prejudiced and feared that which is different and decided to write it down in a book. God is in your heart; not on the pages of a book written by the flawed, sinful hands of mere mortals. Whatever you choose, God is with you every step of the way, and takes delight in your journey and your courage; for His pleasure you were created; therefore He'll always love you and accept you just the way you are, and wants you to succeed in whatever it is you decide to do. Trust in His plan and His love for you and your supreme individuality. Disregard all else that doesn't feel heavenly or pure to you personally; if it feels truly wrong, that's God letting you know that it is indeed wrong. If what you do doesn't harm anybody, how could it be wrong? Surely God doesn't want you to live an unhappy and miserable life? Follow your heart, and trust God to carry you through the hard times; He's cheering you on; I promise. You're one of His all-time favorite shows.  ;D

Offline Sarah-Red

  • *
  • Posts: 757
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Love <3
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2019, 10:56:25 am »
A common attack against <transgender> individuals by the religiously devout is, "God doesn't make mistakes." Personally, I don't believe in God, but if I did, I would agree. God doesn't make mistakes. But unlike others, I don't mean this as an attack; I mean it as an affirmation. YOU are not a mistake; your feelings are not a mistake. God knows all that is, has been, and will be; therefore logically, everything is predetermined and you are exactly as He wants you to be, and no matter where you are in life, you are RIGHT on time for being there; it's all part of the plan. God made us all individually and different, and loves all of us unconditionally regardless of our many diversities, and perhaps even BECAUSE of those diversities. You can choose to see being trans as a curse from God, or you can choose to see it as something unique, and special; like a diamond. If I believed in God, then I'd also believe that everything God created is good, including you. He WANTS you to feel special, like any father would want for his children. And always keep in mind that God did not write the Holy Bible. Human beings wrote the Bible, and human beings are flawed at times. If what you read in the Bible doesn't feel righteous and true in your heart, that's God telling you personally that it's a load of bull, and to trust in His plan for YOU specifically; not some old fart from thousands of years ago who was prejudiced and feared that which is different and decided to write it down in a book. God is in your heart; not on the pages of a book written by the flawed, sinful hands of mere mortals. Whatever you choose, God is with you every step of the way, and takes delight in your journey and your courage; for His pleasure you were created; therefore He'll always love you and accept you just the way you are, and wants you to succeed in whatever it is you decide to do. Trust in His plan and His love for you and your supreme individuality. Disregard all else that doesn't feel heavenly or pure to you personally; if it feels truly wrong, that's God letting you know that it is indeed wrong. If what you do doesn't harm anybody, how could it be wrong? Surely God doesn't want you to live an unhappy and miserable life? Follow your heart, and trust God to carry you through the hard times; He's cheering you on; I promise. You're one of His all-time favorite shows.  ;D

You and I are pretty much on the same freakin' page  :laugh:
When my mom said, don't you think there was a reason that you were born a guy? I said yes, to realize who I am. lol. To find what's in my heart.
To find what's meaningful inside, to myself, and that includes the potential I can bring to the world. :)

That said, I don't believe everything is pre-determined, and it's possible that a big purpose to things is self-discovery itself. I don't know if really this was going to be my path. But it sure is now. I to wish things were easier, and that my body be how I'd like it to be, but I'm open to higher understandings as well. I want to know greater, especially what aligns with love.

Offline John406

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • Reputation: +3/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2019, 06:54:50 pm »
You and I are pretty much on the same freakin' page  :laugh:
When my mom said, don't you think there was a reason that you were born a guy? I said yes, to realize who I am. lol. To find what's in my heart.
To find what's meaningful inside, to myself, and that includes the potential I can bring to the world. :)

That said, I don't believe everything is pre-determined, and it's possible that a big purpose to things is self-discovery itself. I don't know if really this was going to be my path. But it sure is now. I to wish things were easier, and that my body be how I'd like it to be, but I'm open to higher understandings as well. I want to know greater, especially what aligns with love.

Indeed; everything happens for a reason; whether you're agnostic, atheistic, or Christian; nothing ever "just happens" for no reason lol. I've been told a lot that my worldview seems nihilistic, but I don't really agree with that; nihilists don't seem to think anything matters because everything is predetermined; I believe everything matters in spite of everything being predetermined; I'm more of a fatalist; I believe in fate and destiny, and don't see it as a depressing thing like most nihilists do. On the contrary I find a kind of solace in it. I originally came to the conclusion because when I was a kid, I was taken by some horrendous people, who did unspeakable things to me. For years I trained my mind and body; forged myself into a human weapon so that one day, I could go back to that desert where it all began, and murder every single one of them lol. I had so much hatred in my heart and it almost ruined my life; I had to find some way to forgive them for what they did. ...Seeing as I was beaten, raped, stabbed, drugged, tortured and experimented on on a regular basis for five years, forgiveness was something I thought I'd never be able to feel for them.....until I realized that everything is predetermined; that it was destined to happen, and that nothing could've changed it. Coming to the conclusion that nobody has a choice in anything and that everything was set in stone the moment gravity became a thing in this universe, eventually made me realize that I couldn't blame them for what they did. It truly wasn't their fault; they were just doing the next most logical outcome in a long series of events. They didn't choose to become monsters; life just turned them into monsters; through fate. For better or for worse. Realizing that, I was eventually able to do what I thought was impossible for so many years: Forgive them. Even the most forgiving of people tend to think I'm completely bonkers for being okay with it now; most people would agree that there's no forgiveness for what they did. In my mind, it could have been a hurricane, a tornado, or a flood; there's really no difference actually. It was all just an unfortunate act of nature, and ruining my life in pursuit of vengeance would be nonsensical. It'd be like relentlessly stabbing the ocean because a loved one went swimming and sadly drowned. Seems pretty silly when looked at it that way. And I was finally able to start moving on after that....some days I still consider it; after all, I'd just be an unfortunate act of nature; the next most logical outcome lmao, but I try not to think about that; I'd rather be happy than live in pain and hatred. The things I would have to do in order to "get even" with those people would mess me up in the head a lot worse than I already am lmao.  :laugh:

...And as an emergency responder, the skills I've learned and the training I've put myself through has resulted in my ability to save numerous lives, and help others in ways I probably never could've...I wouldn't be as strong and capable as I am now if it weren't for what those people did to me....Perhaps that was all part of the plan too. Perhaps I should be thanking them. Think I'll become a superhero someday.  ;D

Offline Sarah-Red

  • *
  • Posts: 757
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Love <3
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2019, 07:29:23 pm »
Indeed; everything happens for a reason; whether you're agnostic, atheistic, or Christian; nothing ever "just happens" for no reason lol. I've been told a lot that my worldview seems nihilistic, but I don't really agree with that; nihilists don't seem to think anything matters because everything is predetermined; I believe everything matters in spite of everything being predetermined; I'm more of a fatalist; I believe in fate and destiny, and [...]

Ok, well. It's hard to respond to that. All I can say is I'm sorry you've went through that. I'm happy you found a way to deal with it for you.
I don't believe in pre-determination, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to some type of destiny. I don't believe the world should have to be a certain way with negativity and hurt for there to be positive either, but I do recognize that we needed some amount of it in order to forge compassion and some forms of love. I really wish for things to be better all around, and it pains me that there are such horrific things that can happen. But when you realize you have to move forward, you find ways to do that. It doesn't serve to stay caught up in what sucks, afterall. Sometimes our hearts need to voice the pain, and heal, and I'd rather take that route than take it out on others, I hate that it happens, but I also recognize that it does because pain tries to find ways to deal with itself, and blaming others is easier than accepting that things can just happen. There's some things I feel I would have trouble dealing with and healing if I were to just take it as if it's an accident or it was meant to be, but at the same time I don't want to blame and hate. I want to love, find peace, and happiness. (I'll continue to try to find my way)

Anyway, I know I'm still learning a lot. I just want to learn it easily, not through pain and strife. I have enough to heal in myself already. I just want to live how it makes sense for me to live.. and be there for me. I'll open to greater understanding as I can, whether it's spiritual or just higher awareness, but in the end I just want to be me.

Offline JamesM

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #27 on: November 11, 2019, 12:07:34 am »
So, first of all: I'm sorry everyone that I took so long to reply... I meant to do it much sooner, but I kept forgetting! =P

I was going to come here to share some exciting news. I'm finally starting to see some results with the minoxidil... nothing noticeable unless you're looking for it, but I'm starting to sprout some dark hairs, which I was not expecting since everything I've read about it says they usually come in blonde and you have to dye it. Pretty cool, but it's only growing in the mustache area, nowhere else on my face... I'm excited to see what will happen as I keep using it, though.

However, I'm gonna steer away from that topic for a moment to address this.

A common attack against <transgender> individuals by the religiously devout is, "God doesn't make mistakes." Personally, I don't believe in God, but if I did, I would agree. God doesn't make mistakes. But unlike others, I don't mean this as an attack; I mean it as an affirmation. YOU are not a mistake; your feelings are not a mistake. God knows all that is, has been, and will be; therefore logically, everything is predetermined and you are exactly as He wants you to be, and no matter where you are in life, you are RIGHT on time for being there; it's all part of the plan. God made us all individually and different, and loves all of us unconditionally regardless of our many diversities, and perhaps even BECAUSE of those diversities. You can choose to see being trans as a curse from God, or you can choose to see it as something unique, and special; like a diamond. If I believed in God, then I'd also believe that everything God created is good, including you. He WANTS you to feel special, like any father would want for his children. And always keep in mind that God did not write the Holy Bible. Human beings wrote the Bible, and human beings are flawed at times. If what you read in the Bible doesn't feel righteous and true in your heart, that's God telling you personally that it's a load of bull, and to trust in His plan for YOU specifically; not some old fart from thousands of years ago who was prejudiced and feared that which is different and decided to write it down in a book. God is in your heart; not on the pages of a book written by the flawed, sinful hands of mere mortals. Whatever you choose, God is with you every step of the way, and takes delight in your journey and your courage; for His pleasure you were created; therefore He'll always love you and accept you just the way you are, and wants you to succeed in whatever it is you decide to do. Trust in His plan and His love for you and your supreme individuality. Disregard all else that doesn't feel heavenly or pure to you personally; if it feels truly wrong, that's God letting you know that it is indeed wrong. If what you do doesn't harm anybody, how could it be wrong? Surely God doesn't want you to live an unhappy and miserable life? Follow your heart, and trust God to carry you through the hard times; He's cheering you on; I promise. You're one of His all-time favorite shows.  ;D

First of all, thank you for taking the time to write such a thought provoking post, and sharing your personal thoughts and experiences. I feel like I need to reply sincerely to this.

I am sorry for what happened to you, and I admire your ability to move on. I agree that it is important to forgive, though I have different reasons for coming to that conclusion.

As for what you've said here though, I'm afraid I will have to disagree. I have been pretty hush about my own personal beliefs, but, I think it's time to share them. I know a lot of people will not like to hear this; but these are the kinds of things I am struggling with every day.

Forgive me if you didn't want to get into a debate. I just see a few problems with your reasoning:

1. If God doesn't make mistakes, then how do we account for absolutely everything wrong going on in the world? Not that I blame God for it-but saying "God doesn't make mistakes" as an excuse to just accept things the way they are seems like the wrong approach.

2. If it's OK to be transgender because you were just born that way and God doesn't make mistakes, why don't we apply that logic to everything? For instance, pedophiles. Pedophiles are also born with a predetermined brain wiring, that makes them attracted to children... is it okay for them to act on their impulses simply because they were born that way and God doesn't make mistakes? If God created everything good, then what about pedophiles, psychopaths, and the people who abused you? Was it OK for them to do that just because they wanted to? Since they have no conscience to condemn their actions, does that make their actions OK? I don't believe in predetermination... yes we are all born a certain way, wired a certain way, and we are shaped by what happens to us... but I believe it's our choices that determine who we truly are.

3. As a parent of a 5 year old child myself, I can say that yes I want my child to feel special... but for doing what is right, and as a parent, I try my best to steer him towards that goal, and that includes teaching him to control himself and that he can't have everything he wants. If I failed to discipline him and teach him how the world works, it would be child abuse.

4. I'd love to believe that knowing what is right and wrong is as simple as how you feel about it in your heart, and that doing the right thing is as easy as following your heart. But in practice, this leads to so much error. As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Like my Dad said once to me, I'm sure even Hitler found ways to justify what he did, thinking he was doing the right thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure every evil in the world is a result of people who did what they wanted to do in their hearts. It sounds nice to follow your heart, but there is a reason it says in Jeremiah, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

Proverbs 14:12
"There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."

5. Now this is something that comes up a lot and something I've thought a lot about. If it's not hurting anyone, why would it be wrong?

Well, let me ask you: The original sin that caused the downfall of all mankind. What was so bad about that? All Adam and Eve did was eat a fruit! How was that hurting anyone?

And Genesis comes under attack a lot for its scientific inaccuracy. I have started wondering lately... if it's scientifically inaccurate on purpose. Because God wanted to drop a clue that it was not to be taken literally. That it is a metaphor for something else.

And to me, rather than diminish Genesis' importance, that only magnifies it. Because suddenly, Adam and Eve aren't just some distant ancestors of ours that we can blame all our problems on... "That darn Eve, how could she have been so stupid to eat that fruit? Now I have to struggle with my addiction to pornography! It's all her fault!" No, we can't do that anymore, because if the Garden of Eden wasn't just a historical account about some people a long time ago who ate a fruit and now we've all got problems, then that means it's symbolic for all mankind. We can't blame Adam and Eve because we ARE Adam and Eve. The story is a story about us, and it's happening right now. The snake isn't just a snake; it's the Devil tempting us to give into our desires. And the fruit isn't just a fruit, it's any temptation in our lives that we might give into despite God's commands, as harmless as it may seem.

As heretical as this interpretation may seem to those of us with a Protestant background, the implications of this are tremendous. At this point in my life I am leaning towards this viewpoint.

I agree God doesn't make mistakes. God can do anything. If that is true, then why is there suffering? I mean, God could have simply foreseen everything that would happen and... y'know... STOPPED it. If He knew that the serpent would deceive Adam and Eve, why did he create it in the first place? If He knew Lucifer would rebel, why did He make him? If He knew that Adam and Eve would eat the fruit, WHY did He put the tree right in the middle of the garden? Why didn't he set an angel to guard it BEFORE they ate it?

Which leads me to the conclusion that... it's true, it was all a part of God's plan. And there is a place for even the Devil and his angels. Everything in the world must have a purpose, including all the ugly parts. It must be part of God's plan for us to suffer, since there is so much suffering in the world. There are people born sick and blind and struggling with all sorts of ailments and deformities, and we all suffer and struggle throughout our lives. But if that's true, why?

Perhaps He wants us to learn to overcome our own desires, to become more like Him. Perhaps this entire life is a trial to refine us and prepare us for the next life, to test us and "separate the wheat from the chaff". Perhaps the secret to life is to learn to accept what we do not have, learn to control our passions and be content despite our suffering, and become like God, who sacrificed His very life. Only then will we find peace.

1 Corinthians 6
"All things are lawful"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.

Romans 5:3-5
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

Mark 8:36
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

Isaiah 48:10
I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.

Mark 9:49-50
For every one shall be salted with fire, and every sacrifice shall be salted with salt.

Matthew 5:13
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

1 Corinthians 7
Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.

I do agree that it is all a part of the plan... but I feel like it is part of the plan for different reasons. I have thought long and hard my whole life about this... and I think the meaning of life is something that is not spelled out plainly for us, because a lot of people are not ready to hear it, and maybe never will be. Perhaps a good portion of the Bible is in parable form, moreso than we realize, for a reason. Consider every story in the Bible and the morals of them all: Job, how he was tested and suffered, and praised for not blaming God despite it, Abraham, being told to sacrifice his own son to prove his obedience to God, Joseph, who was sold into slavery, but "what was meant for harm was used for good", and ultimately the Son of God himself, Jesus, who came to earth and gave up His very own life, putting forth an example for all of us to follow. The theme is the same: Sacrifice of your own desires for the sake of what is right, in contrast to Adam and Eve, who gave in. "For greater love has no man than this," we are told by Jesus, "Than to give up one's life for his friends."

Matthew 13:13
"This is why I speak to them in parables: "Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand."

Philippians 2
"5Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus:
6Who, existing in the form of God,
did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped,
7but emptied Himself,
taking the form of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled Himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross.
9Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place
and gave Him the name above all names,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
12Therefore, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not only in my presence, but now even more in my absence, continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. 13For it is God who works in you to will and to act on behalf of His good purpose."

If I had not had personal experiences which proved to me that God existed, I would have dismissed everything in the Bible a long time ago as a bunch of hocus pocus and lived as I had wanted... but I HAVE had personal experiences with God; I have seen and witnessed for myself His goodness and love for me and His power over all mankind. And part of the experience I have had was a warning from God to arm myself with God's Word, as it says in Ephesians, or I would fall for the Devil's schemes. I can't go into them all now or why I believe as I do, for that would take far longer than your patience could endure. I cannot explain all the secrets of the universe or why things are the way they are or why God does what He does, all I can say is I know God exists, and I trust in His goodness. And as such, I can only trust and obey Him, even when I cannot hope to understand His ways.

Acts 17
“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. 25And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. 26From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 28‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’

Jeremiah 19:23
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do believe God doesn't make mistakes and it's all a part of the plan... this is a part of my cross to bear. But it's our choice how we respond to that plan, and either become refined through the experience or we crumble under the pressure... like a diamond, as you said.

God knows I'm human though... and through all my trials and temptations, I can't be perfect, I can't resist every one of them. I have failed and I will fail again, but I will try again until I have learned what I need to learn in this life. At this moment, I am fighting a mighty battle inside; I know what I want, but I know I can't give into that temptation.

Galatians 5:17
"16So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the flesh craves what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are opposed to one another, so that you do not do what you want. "

"All things are lawful," you say, but I will not be mastered by anything. True freedom is found when we do not give into our desires. I would rather be a man on the inside than one merely outwardly; for "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 and Galatians 3:28, "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

So where do I go from here? I know I am still not living as I should at the moment. I still struggle with how I feel, and though I know I should be more diligently attending church, reading the Bible, and praying every day, as this is the only thing that ever truly brings me peace, right now all I'm doing is sulking on the couch, playing Avakin, and feeling sorry for myself, wishing my life were different and I could have everything I wanted. I may give in from time to time, to whatever may be tickling my fancy, but I know God forgives me, that some day I will overcome this, for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But right now, is right now. I have faith, this is all a part of God's plan, it's all a part of the process. I will rise again stronger than I was before, and every step of the way I am getting closer to who God is making me into. But not through my own will; through His.

Romans 9:21
…20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?”

Isaiah 45:9
"Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'The potter has no hands'?

John 9
1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

May the works of God also be displayed in me some day. Amen.

I don't know where I am going from here but I will be hoping and praying for all here that God will grant you mercy and you will be able to find peace and strength for your own journeys. May God be with you.

Offline BlueJaye

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,074
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #28 on: November 11, 2019, 12:47:59 am »
Hi, James,
I wrestled with a lot of what you wrote for years. The problem I ran into with being female on the inside only was that it causes an unbearable amount of suffering and I was constantly putting on an act just to exist. My whole life was only lies and deceit. And it got to where I knew I couldn't serve God with a clean conscience living that way, especially when I just wanted to die every moment of every day.

For me, I had a choice between accepting that God allowed me to be transgender and stop fighting against it, or fight the losing battle until I succumbed to it. I had to reckon with Ecclesiastes 9:4, "For whoever is joined with all the living, there is hope; surely a live dog is better than a dead lion". I was going to die if I kept going the way I was going. Even though people will view me as a lowly dog for being what I am, it is better than being a dead lion.

You need to do what is best between you and the Lord. If you can live at peace without transitioning, then that is best. If you can't live without transitioning, then transitioning is best. The thing I discovered is that you can't "pray the trans away". It is an immutable part of who we are. I advocate for the least invasive or disruptive methods for dealing with gender dysphoria. Less is better when possible. But for many it usually goes further than simple stuff you can confine to certain corners of your life.

After I got past the question of whether or not my being transgender was from the hand of God (I firmly believe it is), the next big question was WHY? The struggles of our life are easier to walk through when we understand the context of WHY.

I hope your can find the answers you need. I am happy to help in any way I can.

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk


Offline JamesM

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: Conflicted feelings.
« Reply #29 on: December 13, 2019, 09:30:28 pm »
Hi, James,
I wrestled with a lot of what you wrote for years. The problem I ran into with being female on the inside only was that it causes an unbearable amount of suffering and I was constantly putting on an act just to exist. My whole life was only lies and deceit. And it got to where I knew I couldn't serve God with a clean conscience living that way, especially when I just wanted to die every moment of every day.

For me, I had a choice between accepting that God allowed me to be transgender and stop fighting against it, or fight the losing battle until I succumbed to it. I had to reckon with Ecclesiastes 9:4, "For whoever is joined with all the living, there is hope; surely a live dog is better than a dead lion". I was going to die if I kept going the way I was going. Even though people will view me as a lowly dog for being what I am, it is better than being a dead lion.

You need to do what is best between you and the Lord. If you can live at peace without transitioning, then that is best. If you can't live without transitioning, then transitioning is best. The thing I discovered is that you can't "pray the trans away". It is an immutable part of who we are. I advocate for the least invasive or disruptive methods for dealing with gender dysphoria. Less is better when possible. But for many it usually goes further than simple stuff you can confine to certain corners of your life.

After I got past the question of whether or not my being transgender was from the hand of God (I firmly believe it is), the next big question was WHY? The struggles of our life are easier to walk through when we understand the context of WHY.

I hope your can find the answers you need. I am happy to help in any way I can.

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk

I wish I could reply to the messages in my inbox, but I can't yet. I want to thank everybody who shared their thoughts. If I came across as insensitive at any time I didn't mean to. I would appreciate it if somebody could give her this message. And also let her know that, for some reason I was not able to receive the voice message she sent me earlier. If anybody can relate this message to her I would appreciate it.

Hey Bluejaye,
I'm sorry that I haven't been around to reply to any messages. I'm just struggling with a lot of things right now and felt too overwhelmed to deal with yet another theological issue, so tbh I've been avoiding coming here. I thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, though for some reason your voice message did not play for me.

Truthfully, there are far more important theological questions that need answering, not that this is a trivial issue, but it's not the central one. Questions like, why are we here? How did the universe begin? What is the point of life? How can we make the world a better place? What is our part in it? What is the way to eternal life? Who is God? Why is it that everything I observe in the natural world is in direct opposition to my own personal experiences with the spiritual? I cannot rest until I know the answer to these questions, because these are the only things that are truly important. I feel as if I were staring directly at the sky and remarking what a beautiful blue sky it is, while everybody else is insisting it's red. Had I not had several experiences that are inexplicable to me in scientific terms (the least of which only happened to me last Thursday when I attended a Bible study for the first time and somebody there told me God was giving me His blessing to become a tattoo artist, even though they didn't even know I wanted to become a tattoo artist), I would dismiss the entire religion as fantasy. And perhaps it is; that is, perhaps the Bible is a fairytale written by a Father to His children. But that does not dismiss the moral of the story: that we should trust Him, even, or especially when it doesn't make sense.

"Truly I tell you, anyone who does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:17

"At that time Jesus declared, “I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because You have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was well-pleasing in Your sight." Matthew 11:25-26

If you seek Him, you will find Him. That is all I know.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

"31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8

God bless. I will be praying for you, and I appreciate your prayers for me.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2019, 05:46:44 am by Rakel »

Tags: