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A bird set free: BlueJaye's journey

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BlueJaye:
It seems like all the cool kids have specific threads detailing their transition journey, and I guess I have caved to peer pressure. Actually, I am just lazy and decided to have one thread where I post stuff so I don't have to respond to a bunch of separate threads. Laziness begets efficiency, I guess.

You can read more about me in my intro thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,249897.0.html.

I have been a member for about two years. I wasn't super active for a lot of that time because I was dealing with denial at first, and then struggled with what to do once I actually came out to my wife and therapist. I limped along for a while with no real support structure other than my therapist.

The biggest turning point came earlier this summer when I met Linde (a member here on the forum). She had invited forum members to meet up with her while she was in Minnesota, and I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a business trip to the area so I could meet a total stranger from the internet.

I was at a fork in the road of my life when I met Linde. I was really struggling with what direction my transition would go. I lacked confidence that I would ever be passable as a woman, and yet I strongly desired exactly that.

We met up for dinner at an Applebees and she quizzed me pretty thoroughly about my life, and I likewise had the opportunity to do the same with her. Then she asked if I had ever thought about trying cosmetics. I had once I was not skilled at all at it. She offered to give me a little makeover.

What ensued was a comical makeover session in my car at a Target parking lot with police watching us. I will never forget that. Those cops must have been wondering what in the world we were up to.

We had poor lighting and Linde didn't have exactly the right colors and shades to deal with my skin color and facial hair, but the end result looked far better than I imagined possible. Even Linde reacted with surprise, "I didn't believe it, but you've really got it in you". For the first time I saw the potential that I could pass as female with a little more work. Proper clothing and hairstyle along with some better cosmetic application and I would be darn close.

That night changed how I felt about myself and my future. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and had a goal I could believe was achievable. And so began a more concerted effort to embrace what and who I am and I began spending a lot more time on the forum.

At the same time, I was also active on Quora. I had started writing about my gender dysphoria and transitioning experiences on there along with my religious beliefs and I began getting a lot more attention than I ever expected. I had many people reach out to me who needed help figuring themselves out. People with similar evangelical Christian backgrounds who had suffered with gender dysphoria and were at a loss as to what to do. People ranging from teenagers to 70s. They had all reached a point where they just couldn't deal with gender dysphoria anymore but had no idea where to even start with reconciling their faith and identity. I began doing the same thing here on the forum.

Even though I am still early in my transition journey, I found more joy in helping other transgender people discover freedom in Christ as transgender people than in all of my life's achievements combined. I wish I would have started this journey years sooner. I feel like I missed many great opportunities in the years I spent trying bury my talent in the ground.

As for my name, I suppose some people might be wondering about that. There isn't actually any big symbolic meaning behind it. I had originally joined the forum under a different username. Just before I came out to my wife, my father died at the age of 59 from lung cancer. That was one of the hardest points in my life.

I found out two weeks before he died that he had no life insurance, no money, and my parents hadn't made any final arrangements or plans at all. I scrambled for the next week and a half to make all of the final arrangements, buying a grave plot, casket, the whole 9 yards. I had been having a terrible year selling and it was March and I hadn't received a commission payment since January. We had hardly enough in the bank to get by and I wasn't sure where the money was going to come from to pay for all this.

I remembered God's promise from Genesis 20:12 "Honor your father and mother...that it may go well with you". I appealed to Him that I was moving forward with honoring my father and I needed His help pulling this off. I took out a loan for $10,000 and signed the papers at the mortuary. It turned out to be one of the most amazing periods in my life. Within two weeks I made the biggest sale of my career and had the ten thousand back plus more the next month. And it just kept coming. I made three times as much in the following six months than I had ever made in an entire year. I know not everyone here is a Christian, but if you ever doubt His faithfulness, I can testify that He is Faithful and True in ways that are beyond belief.

Anyway, back to my username. I had just pulled through the most painful loss of my life, and had just come out to my wife and therapist. I felt a sense of freedom and hope I had never felt. I felt like a bird set free from a prison after decades of captivity. And at the same time I was mourning the loss of my father. I wanted a new username since I had come out and was no longer in denial about who I was. I felt rather blue (depressed) about my father's passing, and his name was Jay. And a bluejay is a bird and the idea of a bird set free sat just right with me regarding my coming out. So, slapped an "e" on the end because I thought it looked more feminine somehow. And that's the story of my username.

That's it for today. I just got finished driving several hours through an ice storm and am in my hotel room waiting to have my nightly call with my wife. And I need to finish up a sermon I will be giving tomorrow evening on the life of Joseph.

Grace and peace,
BlueJaye

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk

Northern Star Girl:
@BlueJaye
Dear BlueJaye:
I am so very glad to see that you have started you own personal thread where you can share you transition journey with my like-minded and supportive members here.    Your thread will be a great place for you to share your successes and your disappointments and discouraging times.

I am a big proponent of personal threads and personal forums journals....
...in addition to my online Forums "journal" I also keep a personal "for my eyes only" old-school pen&paper journal complete with colorful doodling and some snapshot pictures as I feel so led.   I can find myself reading over my entrees and writing more details in my journal for hours and hours on a cold night in front of my fireplace.   

All of this with my forums/thread journal and my personal home journal is very good personal therapy that allows me to ponder the bad things and the good things... and to figure out how to make lemonade out of the lemons that life can throw at me.

When you report good news, your readers and followers will rejoice with you.... and when your news is not-so-good we will lend you our ear and offer our shoulders for you to lean on.  We are you biggest supporters and we are always rooting for your success.

I will be eagerly following your thread as you continue posting and sharing your updates, but only as you feel comfortable doing.

Many HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

Listlesswanderer:

--- Quote from: BlueJaye on November 06, 2019, 09:07:52 pm ---
I remembered God's promise from Genesis 20:12 "Honor your father and mother...that it may go well with you". I appealed to Him that I was moving forward with honoring my father and I needed His help pulling this off. I took out a loan for $10,000 and signed the papers at the mortuary. It turned out to be one of the most amazing periods in my life. Within two weeks I made the biggest sale of my career and had the ten thousand back plus more the next month. And it just kept coming. I made three times as much in the following six months than I had ever made in an entire year. I know not everyone here is a Christian, but if you ever doubt His faithfulness, I can testify that He is Faithful and True in ways that are beyond belief.


--- End quote ---

Very inspiring BlueJay, I am glad you were blessed with good news during such a challenging time. I am very familiar with the unique stresses this type of situation brings as I have been in your shoes (although with grandparents; I was the point person for all arrangements finance, etc. for both since I lived with them from my teens through completion of a post-secondary degree), I am so glad God smiled upon you in your career at a time when you needed Him to be able to bury your father.

I also understand how it is to meet strangers, and the awkwardness of the passerby that can result--but police? Wow, that's something else, I am a legal professional but would not feel super comfortable being scrutinized by police in a parking lot practicing makeup! You have some serious nerves of steel!

BlueJaye:

--- Quote from: Listlesswanderer on November 07, 2019, 12:25:23 am ---Very inspiring BlueJay, I am glad you were blessed with good news during such a challenging time. I am very familiar with the unique stresses this type of situation brings as I have been in your shoes (although with grandparents; I was the point person for all arrangements finance, etc. for both since I lived with them from my teens through completion of a post-secondary degree), I am so glad God smiled upon you in your career at a time when you needed Him to be able to bury your father.

I also understand how it is to meet strangers, and the awkwardness of the passerby that can result--but police? Wow, that's something else, I am a legal professional but would not feel super comfortable being scrutinized by police in a parking lot practicing makeup! You have some serious nerves of steel!

--- End quote ---

It wasn't as scary as it sounds. Linde and I had been parked under a parking lot light for a while at an odd angle to catch as much light as possible and I think somebody took notice and called the police to come watch us. They were probably 50 yards away, just parked facing toward us and observing. But, I still had to laugh. I have the most zany adventures.

BlueJaye:
Today was a long day. Had an unexpected surprise this morning that kind of set the day off kilter, but it turned out to be a good day.

The meeting I had with the client went extremely well. I was able to address more needs than the scope of their original intent. And it turned out that the person I was meeting with was a distant relative I didn't even know existed.

I'm learning to live with my haircut. I guess it's not quite as bad as I thought at first. It's not what I was hoping for, but I think I can make it work. Thanks to those who have offered positive comments about it.

When I was getting ready this morning, I noticed that my breast growth had really crept up on me. Sometimes when things change little by little, you don't realize it until it becomes super obvious. It's getting really hard to hide my chest development now. For the occasions when I need to present as male, I'm going to have to find a way to tone things down, because there is no missing it now. I kept my coat on during my meeting today, and was boiling hot. It was a factory that manufactures custom wooden doors, and they keep it warm and humid to prevent warpage. I felt like I was in a sauna.

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