Author Topic: Struggling and feeling small  (Read 1430 times)

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Offline Sawney1000000

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Struggling and feeling small
« on: November 08, 2019, 05:59:09 am »
Lately I’ve been hanging around some rather unsavory circles on the internet (4chan) and back in the day I could handle it fine but lately the amount of intense hatred towards transgender people is so strong I fear for my life and I worry it’s going to leak out to other places on the internet where I normally hang out until it eventually reaches me in real life and I’ll be shot or something

I stopped cold turkey so don’t worry I’m not going on 4chan any more but I’m struggling to move on. I feel like the majority of people in the world want me dead. I feel so alone and hated. It feels so bad to be hated. I feel so dumb because I should know better than to hang on such a toxic place like 4chan but I usually go every few years to talk about pokemon. Silly I know. And I feel double dumb because usually I don’t let this kinda stuff get to me but it is getting to me and I hate this

I don’t know if any of my words are even making sense right now I feel numb and awful. I can’t be this hated right?
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Offline MikaelaA

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2019, 07:02:38 am »
Hi Sawney,

I just want to start out by saying, you are not hated.  There will always be hatred in the world but there is also love.  Love will always overpower hate.  A lot of times we beat ourselves up about our own perceptions of ourselves which does not necessarily relate to how other people see us.  I am also a sensitive person and have been in therapy now going on 8 months due to severe depression.  I'm not sure if you have ever been in therapy before but I can tell you that I would not be here today without it.  I would suggest to seek out a qualified gender therapist to help you navigate the issues you are currently going through.  We all have issues and nobody makes it through life without some sort of help from others.  I wish you well in your journey and hope you find peace within yourself.


With Love,

Alexa
Finally discovered the real ME: September 5, 2019
Started HRT: September 20, 2019
Out to my wife: October 25, 2019
Out to my closest friends and family: February 9, 2020
Out at work: July 31, 2020
1 year on HRT: September 20, 2020
Legal name change: September 29, 2020
Covid vaccinated: May 15, 2021
2 years on HRT: September 20, 2021
GCS - Dr. Bowers: May 24, 2022

Offline Linde

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2019, 10:36:18 am »
Lately I’ve been hanging around some rather unsavory circles on the internet (4chan) and back in the day I could handle it fine but lately the amount of intense hatred towards transgender people is so strong I fear for my life and I worry it’s going to leak out to other places on the internet where I normally hang out until it eventually reaches me in real life and I’ll be shot or something

I stopped cold turkey so don’t worry I’m not going on 4chan any more but I’m struggling to move on. I feel like the majority of people in the world want me dead. I feel so alone and hated. It feels so bad to be hated. I feel so dumb because I should know better than to hang on such a toxic place like 4chan but I usually go every few years to talk about pokemon. Silly I know. And I feel double dumb because usually I don’t let this kinda stuff get to me but it is getting to me and I hate this

I don’t know if any of my words are even making sense right now I feel numb and awful. I can’t be this hated right?
4chan is the ugliest thing on the internet, I ever visited.  I am a pretty tough cookie, but the hatred and nastiness there makes <not allowed> TERf sites look like Kindergarten classes!


Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2019, 10:42:28 am »
They put hate in a lot of things, and like to be controversial. I dont know if you know or remember all the racism there's been there too, and more. It's not a place to base yourself on.
People are people, and in general society respects others enough to let them live their lives, even if sometimes you might get weird looks or whatever else. There's those who love you too.


Offline chrisalex

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2019, 12:02:53 am »
... some rather unsavory circles on the internet (4chan) ...

4chan?

I remember 4chan taking on Ms. Margaret Chan, director general of the World Health Organisation 2006-2017, a few years ago
... hatred towards transgender people is so strong I fear for my life and I worry it’s going to leak out to other places on the internet where I normally hang out until it eventually reaches me in real life and I’ll be shot or something

... I feel like the majority of people in the world want me dead.


I don't believe a majority of people want trans dead. If anything, then it's an extremely small number of extremists, and they'd want many other minorities dead, too. The usual suspects from the right wing.

I feel so alone and hated. It feels so bad to be hated. I feel so dumb because I should know better than to hang on such a toxic place like 4chan but ...
Being alone is toxic. 4chan is toxic. Hanging on 4chan is a lonely job, alone in front of your PC (or other coms device). What about swapping 4chan loneliness with some real company?

I can’t be this hated right?
I don't think we are that hated. Of course there are low down hetero cis males who respond very negatively to trans women. Whenever I went out at the weekend in my city in the past few months, I experienced transphobic issues late night. I'm slowly getting used to these testosterone driven morons. Their issue seems that they're over sexualised and perceive women primarily as sex objects they'd like to impregnate. So of course they react with frustration when they realise that the woman they just stared at and then started to sexually phantasize about is a trans woman and therefore infertile. If we were fertile and able to carry a child, these guys would love us as they love cis women, you can be sure of that. It's all about our incapability to become pregnant. And yes, I feel this really sucks. It's sad that I can't.

Fortunately, the majority of people are civilised and nice.

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Offline Linde

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2019, 01:41:07 am »

So of course they react with frustration when they realise that the woman they just stared at and then started to sexually phantasize about is a trans woman and therefore infertile. If we were fertile and able to carry a child, these guys would love us as they love cis women, you can be sure of that. It's all about our incapability to become pregnant. And yes, I feel this really sucks. It's sad that I can't.

Fortunately, the majority of people are civilised and nice.

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I think you simplify this a little much.  If they would hate trans women because they are infertile, they would hate cis women who are like this, too (like those who had an hysterectomy, or those who are infertile).
I think the hate stems more from the fact that trans women either left manhood (something like deserters), or that they are somehow afraid trans women, because they do not fit into their thinking pattern, and skew their simple world.


Offline chrisalex

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2019, 08:21:37 am »
I think you simplify this a little much.  If they would hate trans women because they are infertile, they would hate cis women who are like this, too (like those who had an hysterectomy, or those who are infertile).

Simplify? Well, it is simple:

When these guys see cis women, e. g. in the streets, at work, in the pub, while commuting, shopping etc, they don't see automatically whether these women suffer from a rather seldom condition that leaves them infertile. And they don't associate infertility, neither consciously nor unconsciously. Their sexual phantasizing about cis women they see (and sexually phantasizing about women they see is what all hetero men do, some more than others, but running on testosterone they certainly all do it frequently) goes emotionally undisturbed. Only when their phantasizing gets interrupted by realising they're phantasizing about sex with a trans woman who can't get pregnant, they feel betrayed, and their response is a feeling of frustration. Those of these guys who, additionally, respond in a narcisstic fashion, those who feel injured pride, too, as a result of feeling betrayed (it also might be a question of intelligence, mind you), that's the ones to fear, that's the ones behind transphobia. It's their retaliation. Childish in some way, but that's the way it is. And US "president" Trump is EXACTLY a guy if this type. That's why he's transphobic.
I think the hate stems more from the fact that trans women either left manhood (something like deserters), ...


Yes, absolutely. I'm certain that this explanation is applicable too. There too, it's injured pride. By the way, I didnt leave manhood. I fled.

...that they are somehow afraid trans women, because they do not fit into their thinking pattern, and skew their simple world.

That, too, applies. They don't understand. They just think it's weird because they literally can't relive it to understand when they're not trans themselves. But this still wouldn't explain aversion or fear. It would only explain alienation. Aversion or fear could be internal responses to the feeling of alienation, depending on personality, available coping strategies (resources) etc.

Anyway shows the need of educational reforms. Though I guess we'll always have simple guys with simple emotional working mechanisms responding badly to trans women. In theory, education in these cases would mean to teach control of (bad) feelings to avoid transphobic behavioural patterns.
In reality, society will always be confronted with affective crimes, brawls etc, regardless of educational efforts to prevent them. So I guess we'll have to live with transphobia, too. Still our situation could be at least improved with suitable educational reforms.



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« Last Edit: December 08, 2019, 11:15:41 am by chrisalex »

Offline Linde

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2019, 11:09:58 am »

In reality, society will always be confronted with affective crimes, brawls etc, regardless of educational efforts to prevent them. So I guess we'll have to live with transphobia, too. Still our situation could be at least improved with suitable educational reforms.

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Yes, we will!  There is still plenty of homophobia out there, even though we thought homosexuality had become main street many years ago!
And as long as people are different of the norm, there will be violence directed to those people.  I experienced this growing up, because I was different, and I don't experience it now anymore, because I can blend in with cis women for 100% (I am just one of those poor women who were born infertile).  Anyway, as soon as a certain group of our society senses difference, they will be violent against those, who are different.


Offline chrisalex

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Re: Struggling and feeling small
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2019, 04:32:35 am »
There is still plenty of homophobia out there, even though we thought homosexuality had become main street many years ago!

Just recently I got the impression that homophobia still is quite an issue where I live (for the last two decades I believed that the problems had been solved back in the last century).

I was astonished to learn this year that my country of abode still hasn't adopted same-sex marriage. Shocked I actually was. All the time I had believed same-sex marriage was institutionalised long time ago, like at least two, three decades ago. I just recently realised how totally backwards this nation still is regarding LGBT rights. Same-sex couples have to marry abroad in the European Union as my country of abode is legally bound to accept these marriages. 

So I really had lived in the illusion that our "society" had widely integrated LGBT+, until just recently. Unfortunately, below the surface projected by the media things seem as bad as ever. Parts of society still lack empathy and tolerance for other ways of love life.

I guess this will never change significantly in the near future. A majority of male cishetero people has other worries than ours, e. g. height of their paychecks come first, after this only come human rights.
The only way to cope maybe seems... a virtual wall between us and them? Apartheid? Our beaches, our hotels, our partys, our cinema evenings, etc. And theirs.
Almost every weekend out late night this year I was confronted with expressions of transphobia aimed at me, in my city. It's everytime emotionally unpleasant. It's unacceptable.

By the way, why is there no christian church exclusively open to LGBT+ people of christian faith? If all LGBT+ people of christian faith united in their own christian church, this would send a strong signal out to the christian world. Another schism... (though maybe I should abstain commenting on christian affairs as I have nothing to do with christian faith and institutions).



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