Author Topic: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance  (Read 1923 times)

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« on: November 25, 2019, 06:00:03 am »
I think there is some value when coming out to selected people that you go slowly with your feminine appearance, assuming you are not full-time.  What that means is that perhaps when you do share your true gender with someone that you perhaps are not dressed overly feminine.

The reason for this is that it might help mitigate some of the shock that they may experience from seeing you and learning of your true self.  After you two talk and you see that there is an atmosphere of acceptance and you hope, kindness, you can then present yourself more as you would naturally like to in the future.

This is an “other centered” approach and I realize that it is not for all.  Of course, you do not have to be dressed feminine at all when doing this initial disclosure, and that too may work out. 

However, if you do look somewhat feminine but not overly feminine when sharing the first time with someone, this may add some believability on their part of the fact you are very serious about your changes and that you are on the way to someday living as the woman you are.

Hugs,   :)

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2019, 06:18:10 am »
When I came out to my neighbours, I had already surprised them by shaving off my beard several months before.  I was still in male mode the day I told them, though I was wearing silver ball studs in my ears. 

The next week, though, I was in full female mode.  I figured anyone not at the previous week's kaffeeklatsch would have at least gotten the memo via grapevine by then.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2019, 06:25:42 am »
Chrissy, I thought I was doing this. I grew my hair out, grew my nails, shaped my brows, and kept my body hair free. Then I let everybody know I loved domestic duties, sewing, looking after babies, and other typically women's stuff. And to cap it off, I was the first to cry at sad and happy news, but not one person figured I was trans. And when I finally presented as female they were all amazed at how different I looked with just my hair down and minimal makeup.

Allie

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2019, 06:41:13 am »
Chrissy, I thought I was doing this. I grew my hair out, grew my nails, shaped my brows, and kept my body hair free. Then I let everybody know I loved domestic duties, sewing, looking after babies, and other typically women's stuff. And to cap it off, I was the first to cry at sad and happy news, but not one person figured I was trans. And when I finally presented as female they were all amazed at how different I looked with just my hair down and minimal makeup.

Allie
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Allie,

I agree that we can for sure look much differently to others (and ourselves) when we are out wearing our “natural clothes” as compared to presenting in men’s clothing. 

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Online AllieSF

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2019, 02:27:48 pm »
My approach was to come out to them before going full time.  That was because I was not yet ready to go full time and that they would have adequate time, in my very humble and logical opinion, to get their own minds around the fact that a dear and close family member, friend, neighbor and other acquaintances they also need their time, which may be and was for some, a very long period of time.

Then when I was ready over a year later the impact on them was much less, i.e. they knew it was coming some day.  It worked really well for everyone except for my 2 children.  That was over 2 years ago and my son now tolerates it and always seems to have some negative shaking of his head when I show up at his house to babysit in tights, a skirt or dress or more form fitting clothes, and I do dress more conservatively around them.  My daughter ignores it, keeps her head stick in the sand, and refuses to deal with it.  We occasionally see each other, much less than before, and she never wants to talk about it. 

So, my recommendation is to use the two step process with most, if possible.
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Offline tiffanynicole

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2019, 03:19:41 pm »
I think this makes sense Chrissy. Certainly can't hurt to take this approach although the effectiveness may vary depending on the situation. You would probably feel better as well while implementing the changes and becoming more like the real you.

Offline Wendi

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2019, 08:13:30 pm »
That's a great idea Chrissy. I'm out most of the time but there are some that still don't know I'm <transgender>.

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Offline Josie389

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2019, 06:21:02 pm »
I have been thinking a lot lately about the timing for coming out especially at work. I feel like it would be easier to do once I’ve been on HRT for a while and have had more laser hair removal on my face. I guess in the end it’s going to happen one way or the other!!

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2019, 06:44:30 pm »
I have been thinking a lot lately about the timing for coming out especially at work. I feel like it would be easier to do once I’ve been on HRT for a while and have had more laser hair removal on my face. I guess in the end it’s going to happen one way or the other!!

Josie, I timed my coming out to allow my colleagues to be part of my journey. This meant they have over 6 months seeing me as my male self, and realising that I am just the same person as I always was, before I made any dramatic changes. I believe this has made it more comfortable for them, as they have slowly seen my transformation. They are all enthusiastic about my transition, and last month took me out to a luncheon to welcome me as a woman into our workplace. For this I went all out and wore a dress. They all expected me to be female at work from then on, but I am sticking to my plan and have presented as male since.

Allie

Offline Josie389

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2019, 11:15:02 pm »
Thank you for the insight Allie 😊 I definitely like the idea of taking them along with me for the ride instead of dropping it on them like a bombshell, I guess I just need to muster up the courage!!

Offline big kim

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2019, 02:04:13 am »
I did this. I grew my hair out from a DA, had my eybrows shaped, manicured nails, and started electrolysis while taking HRT. People asked whatI was doing as they said I was looking younger! I was 32 then. Most of them thought it was because I was going to a punk rock & metal club

Offline barbie

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2019, 02:15:29 pm »
Yes. I also have changed slowly and progressively. Nowadays people are accepting me so well, sometimes surprising me. My spouse once said she was perplexed at first, but she has been always supportive and my kids also followed it. Some people say I look more feminine than most women here.

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2019, 03:07:43 am »
Slowly does seem to work for many.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Pammie

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2019, 01:58:21 pm »
Josie, I timed my coming out to allow my colleagues to be part of my journey. This meant they have over 6 months seeing me as my male self, and realising that I am just the same person as I always was, before I made any dramatic changes. I believe this has made it more comfortable for them, as they have slowly seen my transformation. They are all enthusiastic about my transition, and last month took me out to a luncheon to welcome me as a woman into our workplace. For this I went all out and wore a dress. They all expected me to be female at work from then on, but I am sticking to my plan and have presented as male since.

Allie
Isn’t that confusing for everyone though? How do you want them to address you at this point?



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Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2019, 02:31:26 pm »
Isn’t that confusing for everyone though? How do you want them to address you at this point?



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Their feedback says it has made it far easier on them as they have time to get used to the idea, while slowly seeing my changes. They realise I am just the same person they always knew, but in a changing body. This way, they get to transition with me, and their input and support makes them feel part of the process and guarantees acceptance. They did call me Allie after I came out to them, but as I work with school children and general public, and I didn’t want to confuse them, they came up with a more generic abbreviated name for me.

They have all seen me in full female mode as we spent a day at a seminar and luncheon in a nearby city to which I wore a dress, and some of them have visited me at home where I am always Allie. I have made it simple, when I am in male mode, everybody uses male name and  pronouns, and when I am in female mode, they use female name and pronouns. This month I will get my ears pierced, and maybe highlights in my hair to step up my changes. The delay is also to allow more time for feminisation so I will feel more confident as well. Our uniforms are unisex, so the only thing they will really notice as I start full time soon, will be my different voice, female shoes and maybe a scrunchie in my ponytail.

Allie

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2019, 02:45:02 pm »
I came out to my coworkers as a crossdresser, then transitioned on the job. There were some name and gender stumbles, but we all got through it OK.
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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2019, 04:22:32 pm »
I came out to my coworkers as a crossdresser, then transitioned on the job. There were some name and gender stumbles, but we all got through it OK.

It is nice when things just work out well.

Good for you.

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2020, 04:59:08 pm »
Yes. I also have changed slowly and progressively. Nowadays people are accepting me so well, sometimes surprising me. My spouse once said she was perplexed at first, but she has been always supportive and my kids also followed it. Some people say I look more feminine than most women here.

barbie~~


You may have changed slowly, but you have arrived.   :)

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2020, 11:35:11 pm »
I think there is some value when coming out to selected people that you go slowly with your feminine appearance, assuming you are not full-time. 

Chrissy,

Great topic, one I have been thinking over because it is one I am wrestling with. I am out to exactly 0 people despite 8 months and counting on HRT because that's how I want it. My first "out" will be on Sept 3rd (yes I know, 6 months away) when I meet my transgender doctor (unless my boobs, hair, nails, eyebrows ... the list goes on, give me away first) for the first time. I think the difference is that for some people their dysphoria is so great that once they realize they want to change there's no holding back. For me, it's been more about my mental health and recognizing the way I already express my femininity along with the massive improvement HRT has brought. Strangely, as things have changed with HRT, putting on women's clothing and adopting female habits have become more natural. I can't use male bathrooms anymore, it simply freaks me out so I try and find a unisex bathroom. I enjoy dressing as male less and less (my male clothes don't fit and frankly look bad). I bought some size 8 female skinny jeans and they just feel and look good. I know there is no going back from here, and I wouldn't want to. Going back is literally suicide for me, my third attempt will be lucky. But the way forward is baby steps, my gender identity is my own to control and I will express it in a way that makes sense to me. If people are confused, I'm all to happy too explain it to them.

Super big hugs to you all,
Jennifer

Offline Jessicajade

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #19 on: March 01, 2020, 05:16:41 pm »
I'm not out at work or anywhere really. I've got something resembling a plan for a few people. Like I'm planning on telling my best friend. (Which I doubt will cause issues because they know a bunch of trans people anyway. And even one of their family is.)
I can imagine my parents will be upset, but they'll get over it in time.

But for work... I'm honestly not sure. I work in a somewhat conservative place. And there are already a few people who jokingly call me miss or Rapunzel (because my hair is fairly long). At the same time though when at work I've had a ton of male fails. (Perhaps they haven't gone as unnoticed among my coworkers as I thought...) So I'd like to wait pretty much as long as possible here to do anything.

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