Community Conversation > Coming out of the closet

Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance

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ChrissyRyan:
I think there is some value when coming out to selected people that you go slowly with your feminine appearance, assuming you are not full-time.  What that means is that perhaps when you do share your true gender with someone that you perhaps are not dressed overly feminine.

The reason for this is that it might help mitigate some of the shock that they may experience from seeing you and learning of your true self.  After you two talk and you see that there is an atmosphere of acceptance and you hope, kindness, you can then present yourself more as you would naturally like to in the future.

This is an “other centered” approach and I realize that it is not for all.  Of course, you do not have to be dressed feminine at all when doing this initial disclosure, and that too may work out. 

However, if you do look somewhat feminine but not overly feminine when sharing the first time with someone, this may add some believability on their part of the fact you are very serious about your changes and that you are on the way to someday living as the woman you are.

Hugs,   :)

Chrissy

KathyLauren:
When I came out to my neighbours, I had already surprised them by shaving off my beard several months before.  I was still in male mode the day I told them, though I was wearing silver ball studs in my ears. 

The next week, though, I was in full female mode.  I figured anyone not at the previous week's kaffeeklatsch would have at least gotten the memo via grapevine by then.

Allie Jayne:
Chrissy, I thought I was doing this. I grew my hair out, grew my nails, shaped my brows, and kept my body hair free. Then I let everybody know I loved domestic duties, sewing, looking after babies, and other typically women's stuff. And to cap it off, I was the first to cry at sad and happy news, but not one person figured I was trans. And when I finally presented as female they were all amazed at how different I looked with just my hair down and minimal makeup.

Allie

ChrissyRyan:

--- Quote from: Allie Jayne on November 25, 2019, 06:25:42 am ---Chrissy, I thought I was doing this. I grew my hair out, grew my nails, shaped my brows, and kept my body hair free. Then I let everybody know I loved domestic duties, sewing, looking after babies, and other typically women's stuff. And to cap it off, I was the first to cry at sad and happy news, but not one person figured I was trans. And when I finally presented as female they were all amazed at how different I looked with just my hair down and minimal makeup.

Allie

--- End quote ---
@Allie Jayne


Allie,

I agree that we can for sure look much differently to others (and ourselves) when we are out wearing our “natural clothes” as compared to presenting in men’s clothing. 

Chrissy

AllieSF:
My approach was to come out to them before going full time.  That was because I was not yet ready to go full time and that they would have adequate time, in my very humble and logical opinion, to get their own minds around the fact that a dear and close family member, friend, neighbor and other acquaintances they also need their time, which may be and was for some, a very long period of time.

Then when I was ready over a year later the impact on them was much less, i.e. they knew it was coming some day.  It worked really well for everyone except for my 2 children.  That was over 2 years ago and my son now tolerates it and always seems to have some negative shaking of his head when I show up at his house to babysit in tights, a skirt or dress or more form fitting clothes, and I do dress more conservatively around them.  My daughter ignores it, keeps her head stick in the sand, and refuses to deal with it.  We occasionally see each other, much less than before, and she never wants to talk about it. 

So, my recommendation is to use the two step process with most, if possible.

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