Author Topic: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance  (Read 1928 times)

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #20 on: March 01, 2020, 05:46:52 pm »
Chrissy,

Great topic, one I have been thinking over because it is one I am wrestling with. I am out to exactly 0 people despite 8 months and counting on HRT because that's how I want it. My first "out" will be on Sept 3rd (yes I know, 6 months away) when I meet my transgender doctor (unless my boobs, hair, nails, eyebrows ... the list goes on, give me away first) for the first time. I think the difference is that for some people their dysphoria is so great that once they realize they want to change there's no holding back. For me, it's been more about my mental health and recognizing the way I already express my femininity along with the massive improvement HRT has brought. Strangely, as things have changed with HRT, putting on women's clothing and adopting female habits have become more natural. I can't use male bathrooms anymore, it simply freaks me out so I try and find a unisex bathroom. I enjoy dressing as male less and less (my male clothes don't fit and frankly look bad). I bought some size 8 female skinny jeans and they just feel and look good. I know there is no going back from here, and I wouldn't want to. Going back is literally suicide for me, my third attempt will be lucky. But the way forward is baby steps, my gender identity is my own to control and I will express it in a way that makes sense to me. If people are confused, I'm all to happy too explain it to them.

Super big hugs to you all,
Jennifer


Jennifer,

Things will all unfold eventually and I am wishing that all goes well for you, when it is time to do your disclosures.   :)

Hugs,

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Maddie

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #21 on: March 01, 2020, 08:13:59 pm »
I have employed burning bridge tactics throughout my life, and particularly with my more open public crossdressing that past several years.

Perhaps foolish.  But I have made it impossible to cross back.  To people who never wanted to know the real me anyway.   Sorry I shocked certain people, but luckily not losing sleep over my own stupidity.

Helps me keep eyes forward to the new.

I think my "feminine presentation", if I have one, is more blended and easier on people these days. 
Trying to keep my expectations low, slow, long-term,  and inwards in regards to other people accepting my gender style-a-rama

Offline Susan R

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #22 on: March 01, 2020, 09:10:50 pm »
My approach was to come out to them before going full time.  That was because I was not yet ready to go full time and that they would have adequate time, in my very humble and logical opinion, to get their own minds around the fact that a dear and close family member, friend, neighbor and other acquaintances they also need their time, which may be and was for some, a very long period of time.

Then when I was ready over a year later the impact on them was much less, i.e. they knew it was coming some day.  It worked really well for everyone except for my 2 children.  That was over 2 years ago and my son now tolerates it and always seems to have some negative shaking of his head when I show up at his house to babysit in tights, a skirt or dress or more form fitting clothes, and I do dress more conservatively around them.  My daughter ignores it, keeps her head stick in the sand, and refuses to deal with it.  We occasionally see each other, much less than before, and she never wants to talk about it. 

So, my recommendation is to use the two step process with most, if possible.

I used a similar approach and presented as male when coming out last Spring. The difference being that I only waited a few weeks to a month before they saw my feminine side.  I had been presenting female and nearly full time except around my 3 girls and their families who live in different cities than my wife and I.  All three girls had somewhat neutral to positive initial reactions to varying degrees.  So here we are about a year later and things are not as peachy as they once seemed they would be. My middle daughter accepts me, my oldest daughter tolerates me, and the youngest daughter outright rejects me and has ghosted my wife and I ever since.  Sadly this has been the only long-standing regret I have about coming out to them (not that there was any real choice).  After having all this time to think about things, I don’t believe there would’ve been any difference in the outcome if I had presented as myself when coming out to them.  There are probably many other factors that contribute to the success or failure of any method used.  It’s all a crapshoot.

Susan R🌷
Sept. 25, 2018:       Began HRT
May 19, 2019:         Out to All/Full time
June 12, 2019:        Name/Gender Marker on all ID's/Legal Docs completed
July 2, 2020:           GRS & BA Consult - Dr. Stiller
January 5, 2021:      GRS Surgery [Stage 1]
January 15, 2021:    BA
June 2021 [TBD]:     GRS Surgery [Stage 2]

Offline AllieSF

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #23 on: March 01, 2020, 11:07:34 pm »
You make and educated decision but it is still a risk because very few of us are experts in analyzing others.  Then we deal with "Clean up on aisle 9!"  The main thing is to eventually make a decision a deal with the outcomes as best possible.
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Offline Jaymilynn

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2020, 06:39:58 am »
I guess I took a different approach. I decided trial but fire would be the best option. I have suppressed for so long that when I decided that I was going to transition (January 9th) I was going to do a marathon coming out. Started with my closest family and then my wife. Less than 1-1/2 months later I was out in every aspect of my life. I am not presenting 100% but everyone knows who I truly am. I don’t plan to present 100% until I’m on hormones for awhile. I decided I wanted everyone to know me before I started presenting female. I am wearing more androgynous clothes and wearing a female or at least more feminine hair style when out in public. When my breasts develop and I have a more feminine figure then I will start to dress more female.


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Offline Maddie

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #25 on: March 02, 2020, 09:09:56 am »
If I had children or spouse I must believe in my heart that I would used different approach than I did.

As it is I have lost my business contacts. 
Not much to do, except build it back up new.  And true. 

Probably ahead, and not back, though

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #26 on: March 07, 2020, 06:05:58 pm »
Going slow is certainly okay.  Some go much faster.  What is better for you overall will guide you.

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2020, 02:45:20 am »
Ha! $150 highlights and salon styling and my wife barely blinked an eye. I guess after the panties she found the other day a few highlights were not going to phase her. Or maybe she didn't notice. (Blond hair getting blonder is pretty subtle after all - okay delete the subtle! Whatever  ;D ;D ) My boobs were sticking out a ton today, I swear I caught my boss looking at them, maybe just my imagination. Going to the water park next week, that's going to be hot legs - boob city ...  not to mention all the other people there  :P :P :P

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2020, 09:42:57 am »
Okay, my bad. She noticed. Now officially out to one person....spouse.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #29 on: April 07, 2020, 12:15:03 pm »
Okay, my bad. She noticed. Now officially out to one person....spouse.
How'd it go?

"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

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Offline madeleine

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #30 on: April 07, 2020, 12:18:39 pm »
Guess I'm on the slow, progressive track so far.  I've come out to my wife, teenage son, mom, and sister.  I was not dressed at all feminine and don't think I was presenting feminine in mannerisms, etc.  For my mom and sister, I came out chatting with them at restaurants.  My mom and sister were shocked as it was, can't imagine if I was presenting as a woman!  I have not presented as a woman to anyone except my therapist.

By sharing this, I'm absolutely not telling anyone how to do this.  I chose this way largely because of family.  Or maybe I'm a scaredy cat.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2020, 09:24:37 pm by madeleine »

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #31 on: April 07, 2020, 08:50:09 pm »
How'd it go?
About as well as I expected.  :'( :'( She has already suspected for months it turns out. Unbelievably it was my mannerisms that gave me away. What now? She wouldn't elaborate further.

Offline madeleine

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #32 on: April 07, 2020, 09:25:45 pm »
About as well as I expected.  :'( :'( She has already suspected for months it turns out. Unbelievably it was my mannerisms that gave me away. What now? She wouldn't elaborate further.

Maybe it will take some time and patience.  How are you feeling after all this?

Offline sarahc

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2020, 10:11:29 pm »
I think there is some value when coming out to selected people that you go slowly with your feminine appearance, assuming you are not full-time.  What that means is that perhaps when you do share your true gender with someone that you perhaps are not dressed overly feminine.

The reason for this is that it might help mitigate some of the shock that they may experience from seeing you and learning of your true self.  After you two talk and you see that there is an atmosphere of acceptance and you hope, kindness, you can then present yourself more as you would naturally like to in the future.

This is an “other centered” approach and I realize that it is not for all.  Of course, you do not have to be dressed feminine at all when doing this initial disclosure, and that too may work out. 

However, if you do look somewhat feminine but not overly feminine when sharing the first time with someone, this may add some believability on their part of the fact you are very serious about your changes and that you are on the way to someday living as the woman you are.

Hugs,   :)

Chrissy

Yup - totally agree with this approach. I have intentionally worn t-shirt and jeans for 1st coming out meetings.

In the past couple of days, I have done a couple Zoom meeting 1st meetings as Sarah, and I actually really like the format in coming out to out-of-town people. Plus I have found the Zoom videos pretty instructive for letting me see what I look like to others and what my mannerisms are. I had not realized how much I've feminized over the last 14 months, and my honest perspective is that I think I look better than decent, and that is without trying that much. These Zoom calls have been really helpful for both my confidence and in helping me learn what things I need to work on better. If you have a chance to do a coming-out Zoom call, definitely try it. I really liked it.

Sarah

----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #34 on: April 09, 2020, 02:09:34 am »
Maybe it will take some time and patience.  How are you feeling after all this?
Scared! I don't want to loose my life partner, I don't ever want to separate our wonderful children from their biological father, I don't want to be forced to play a role I abhor which I try to avoid as much as possible. But at the same time I'd like to experience the role of my true gender identity. I already do in a lot of ways, I suppose I just want more. Ugh.  :-\

Offline madeleine

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #35 on: April 09, 2020, 01:03:37 pm »
Scared! I don't want to loose my life partner, I don't ever want to separate our wonderful children from their biological father, I don't want to be forced to play a role I abhor which I try to avoid as much as possible. But at the same time I'd like to experience the role of my true gender identity. I already do in a lot of ways, I suppose I just want more. Ugh.  :-\

So sorry to hear you are feeling scared, but that is natural for the situation you're in.  I hope you and your wife can work this out while staying in your relationship - that's why I was thinking of time and patience.  Divorce (which my wife and I are going through now) is not easy.  Wishing you the best with your marriage.  *hugs*

I't also natural to want to experience your true gender identity!  Hope you can integrate your gender experience and your marriage.  *more hugs*
« Last Edit: April 09, 2020, 03:58:05 pm by madeleine »

Offline barbie

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #36 on: April 09, 2020, 01:20:38 pm »
I hope you and your wife can work this out while staying in your relationship - that's why I was thinking of time and patience.

That is what I have done. My wife is supportive, and my children just accept me like my friends, colleagues and other aquaintences. Yes. There were a lot of bumps during the initial several years. Slow and gradual changes are always nice to avoid misunderstandings. It takes time for people to be adjusted to the new, but people are more flexible than expected.

Nowadays, my major concern is what I should wear during the wedding ceremonies of my 3 children. Time will say it.

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Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #37 on: July 16, 2020, 04:27:17 pm »
Well coming out slowly went well until I had a Tweet about my doctor's visit go viral  :embarrassed: People who I haven't seen for 20yrs connected me to send support. I guess it's time to go full time but I don't have enough clothes!

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #38 on: July 16, 2020, 05:07:45 pm »
Well coming out slowly went well until I had a Tweet about my doctor's visit go viral  :embarrassed:

Wasn't there a thread recently wondering whether Facebook might be outing us?


"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

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Offline Erika_

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Re: Coming out slowly with a progressively feminine appearance
« Reply #39 on: July 19, 2020, 11:07:31 am »
With my dad I came out slowly, he didn't take it seriously until I was fully out.

For everyone else I just went full time instantly, they don't have to like it but I don't care.

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