Author Topic: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.  (Read 45972 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Peggiann

Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« on: February 28, 2006, 10:35:01 am »
I just received this in email from a friend. Thought I'ld share it here.


Q) OK so why does he crossdress? Aren't I enough woman for him?

A) First of all this is not your fault. In fact it really has nothing to do with you, though it will affect you. This has been with him for a lot longer than he's been with you.

Q) So when did he start dressing up?

A) He probably started dressing as a child or in his teens. In a very few cases it can start later.

Q) Why did he start?

A) Probably out of a sense of childlike curiosity. With some, their sisters or a baby sitter may have dressed them up as girls either for fun or punishment. With some it is purely a fantasy. Dressing can relieve the stress involved in living up to the perceived male role model as a tough, problem solver. The slightest deviation from
this role may lead to a feeling of temporary inadequacy. Pretending to be a girl gives a release from male peer pressures. When the dressing is completed the CD feels much calmer and more able to face his role.

Q) Is there sex involved?

A) Yes In the beginning especially as a teenager experimenting with self gratification. Probably less as a crossdresser grows older to being nonexistent by middle age.

Q) We're very close. Why didn't he tell me before we were married?

A) Crossdressing often times slows down as one grows into their twenties. Diminishing to partial dressing or stopping completely in what is called Purging. New loves and relationships make dressing quickly fade into the background and stop completely making the CD even think they are cured. This is most likely when you met.

Q) Why did his dressing come back?

A) In the mid twenties and later socioeconomic pressures start to surface. Children, a mortgage, 2 cars, and education worries can contribute. Probably the biggest factor though is his job. Career matters at work intensify as peers are promoted even including him. Pressures of family life and loosing the newness of a relationship all
contribute. Don't forget that socially at least most men feels the buck stops with them and they often take complete responsibility for many problems.


As the stress builds up he remembers that crossdressing always relieved pressure in the past. Why not now? He dresses and it works, the stress is relieved and so is he.

Q) Is he Gay?

A) No, not usually. They are men at all other times when they are not dressed.

Q) Does he take hormones and want to change his sex?

A) In almost all cases no. In very few instances do men advance unless they are latent Transsexuals. That warrants an entire different set of FAQ's.

Q) Can I make him stop?

A) This is probably the worst thing you can do. Forcing him to stop and purge his feminine side could have disastrous consequences. Most likely he would binge later on with the crossdressing urge even stronger. Besides his pressure will still be there.

Q) So what can I do?

A) Plenty. Compromise is the key from BOTH parties. After all you are hurt and probably shocked. This is a lot to absorb. Realize that neither of you is to blame.
He is terrified right now of loosing you or that you'll tell someone.

Reassure him of your love. You are going to need to give him some time to allow him to spend time at his hobby behind closed doors. Remember, it is a stress reliever for him. If you don't want him
to touch your clothing tell him so. He needs to respect that but you will need to help him get his own things. Catalogs work for most if you don't want to shop with him.


He may want to join a crossdressers club where he can dress freely. You should find a support group where you can talk to other wives with your same problem. If you've found a bitter group you are in the wrong place. You need understanding, not militancy.

Q) What do I gain if I let him crossdress?

A) You actually both have much to gain. After so many years in the closet he is finally free to be himself. Benefits are less stress, better health, New found creativity, thoughtfullness and appreciation.

Q) What about my rights?

A) Fortunately there are guidlines for both Wives and Crossdressers. It is called the Bill of Rights for Wives and Crossdressers. Remember these are guidlines. They can be added to or subtracted from. Everything is negotiable.

Q) Ok I've let him be himself now all he wants to do is Crossdress.

A) Many crossdressers are compulsive by nature. Finally free to be himslef new crossdressers often become like kids in a candy store. You may have to nudge him back to reality. Simply state that you miss the man you love. Tell him you'd like to see that man a little more often. If he has trouble have him see a psychiatrist about anti-compulsion prescription drugs.

Q) What are our chances?

A) Very Good actually. It is rare for a marriage to end because of crossdressing. This of course not the case if your husband is really Transsexual

Chaunte

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2006, 10:46:36 pm »
Peggiann,

This is a wonderful post.  So very much of what you have written is so true.

One thing I would like to add regarding why a spouse may not be told early on.  Denial.  I know with me there was a Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde, if you will.  I went through more splurge & purges than you can shake a back account at!  I didn't accept myself until I went to a Halloween party totally en fem.  This was done by a professional stylist.  When I saw myself in the mirror as a woman, my Hyde could no longer be hidden.  She had a face.  She had a name.  She had a look.  SHe had a life.

I have a life.

Chaunte

Maebh

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2007, 05:10:01 pm »


Q) What do I gain if I let him crossdress?

A) You actually both have much to gain. After so many years in the closet he is finally free to be himself. Benefits are less stress, better health, New found creativity, thoughtfullness and appreciation.


And if you are the same size you can borrow his clothes! ;)
If not... there is still accessories: Scarfs, jewellery, handbags, make-up etc...   :laugh:

LL&R
Maebh

Offline Lyric

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,448
  • Reputation: +49/-0
  • Gender: F-ish
Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2007, 12:24:41 pm »
I love this post. My heart goes out to women who must deal with this situation and I greatly admire those of you who do it successfully. I have a suggestion, though, regarding dealing with "compulsive" behavior of this sort. I cannot imagine that drugs and imposed rules are the long-run solution. At some point, the "crossdresser" must come to terms not only with his femininity, but with his masculinity as well. I think the compulsion arises from feeling the social need to live in the masculine role while he also desires the feminine. I had to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely desired expression of my masculinity as well as my femininity, though not at the same times. It almost might have been easier to decide to be a woman all of the time. It's not easy being bigendered. Rather than trying to restrict myself, I've come to terms with the need to express both. I now fully realize I enjoy my manhood for certain times and situations and prefer may womanhood for others.
A bigenderist might need to go through a "binge" period of being a woman "too much" before coming to terms with this. I would say it would be best for a spouse to give him space to find his/her balance of gender identity.
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." - Steve Jobs

ZachP

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2007, 11:05:24 pm »
Most guys just wanna outlet to express their feminine side.

Offline gennee

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,476
  • Reputation: +68/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2007, 12:12:07 pm »
When my wife found out that I wear women's clothes, she was shocked at first. as time passed she became accepting of some aspects of my dressing. It's strange but we share skirts, blouses, and pullovers. I wear panties and tops, but when I wore a skirt she didn't like it. I know what she can handle so I don't force it on her. While not totally accepting, she doesn't stop me from what I do now. We both paint our toenails and I got my ears pierced a month ago.

It can be tough on the wives but it doesn't have to be.  I told my wife that she's the one that I love when I was busted. After 27 years of marriage we still have fun and tease one another.

Gennee
   

 :)
Most guys just wanna outlet to express their feminine side.

I agree with you there, Zach.

Gennee
Be who you are.
Make a difference by being a difference.   :)

Blog: www.difecta.blogspot.com

Maebh

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2007, 12:38:12 am »
I love this post. My heart goes out to women who must deal with this situation and I greatly admire those of you who do it successfully. I have a suggestion, though, regarding dealing with "compulsive" behavior of this sort. I cannot imagine that drugs and imposed rules are the long-run solution. At some point, the "crossdresser" must come to terms not only with his femininity, but with his masculinity as well. I think the compulsion arises from feeling the social need to live in the masculine role while he also desires the feminine. I had to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely desired expression of my masculinity as well as my femininity, though not at the same times. It almost might have been easier to decide to be a woman all of the time. It's not easy being bigendered. Rather than trying to restrict myself, I've come to terms with the need to express both. I now fully realize I enjoy my manhood for certain times and situations and prefer my womanhood for others.
A bigenderist might need to go through a "binge" period of being a woman "too much" before coming to terms with this. I would say it would be best for a spouse to give him space to find his/her balance of gender identity.

You said it! Very, very perceptive! That's where lies distinction between CD/TV and TS. They're 2 sets of totaly different needs, both needing to be understood and accepted in their diversity. It is why a forum like this where each one can explore, find out and come to term with who they really are is so important

HLLL&R

Maebh


DJ

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2007, 09:59:36 am »
I do need some help.  My husband visits the sites and others but will not discuss things with me. He also went to telephone sex with strangers, men and women.
All i want to know is what is real betueen us. in the last 7 years he has had sex with me once.
He always says I am the love of his life. He is very good to me,
What is going on. What should I do

Gill

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2007, 04:28:37 pm »
I do need some help.  My husband visits the sites and others but will not discuss things with me. He also went to telephone sex with strangers, men and women.
All i want to know is what is real betueen us. in the last 7 years he has had sex with me once.
He always says I am the love of his life. He is very good to me,
What is going on. What should I do

Hi There:

Okay here's my 6 cents.  By seeking gratification by turning away from the marriage then this is an issue.  An affair is an affair is an affair.  He will always say your are the love of his life, because you are who he knows, who he can depend on...and so on.  So why end a good thing.  Some may not like this term but it's the game they play, wanting it all but yet holding onto their security blanket, not wanting to loose it.  So the envelope gets pushed as far as they can without going over the edge

What you need to be asking yourself is this.  "Is this what I need". "Is this a good relationship for me".   Here's another way to put it.  Currently this is your normal, it maybe all you know and you are trying like heck to hold on to whatever this relationship is, it is your normal.  But you need to be selfish about this, after all you are important as well, what is it that you want out of this marriage.  Is having sex once in 7 years enough, do you want to have sex with him?  And of course he's good to you, but look at that honestly; he's had an affair (albeit phone sex), does he truly give you what to need/crave, do you have a truly loving relationship.

These are all hard questions that you really need to ask yourself.  Don't be afraid of the answers, they will make you strong.

After living with TS issues (no offense Steph) I realize now that I was just in front of a freight train and there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to be able to stop it.  I did try to, believe me.  But you come to the realization that this is not for me, this in no way says that you are not supportive, this is not the case at all. But sometimes loving someone means having to let them go. Life is short and everyone (including you) deserves a shot at happiness.

My first post is sometime - hope I haven't offended some of you.

Gill
« Last Edit: September 04, 2007, 05:10:09 pm by Susan »

Sheila

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2007, 05:08:59 pm »
Gill,
   No offense taken here. An affair is just what it is, an affair. You can call it anyway you want it to, but it is still an affair.
Sheila

toto

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2008, 08:48:53 pm »
I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.  Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, verile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns).  I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.  Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails.  The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.  I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55.  I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it. Whats wrong with me???

Offline tekla

  • Left Coast
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 18,881
  • Reputation: +190/-0
  • Self-Rescuing Princess
Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2008, 10:01:46 pm »
OK, you can tell by my reputation rating that I'm not exactly in the top ten list, still....

Secrets suck.  Finding them out, its even worse.  Tragically, some people in here will only find that out too late, as its the lying, not the truth, that hold sway in the long run.

Does it really matter to you that he is wearing pink and white lace and not tightly whities to get hard?  Enjoy what you get - no matter how you get it.

Honey child, we all think we can handle things until they show up in our lives.  I've gone through several girlfriends, and one wife, who thought they could take it.  And I'm not talking about dressing up, I'm talking about my job.

It's not just pressure, I like to dress up when I feel good too.  It's not always a 'feeling bad' deal.

Look.  Some people like to feel pretty.  Its not a guy or gal thing, its a human deal.  I know plenty of each who hate to do it, other who can't wait.  If you husband/BF likes to look good, ain't that better than the other option?

FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...

Maebh

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2008, 11:17:40 am »
I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.  Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, virile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns).  I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.  Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails.  The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.  I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55.  I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it. Whats wrong with me???

Hi Toto I don't think there is anything wrong with you.. You love him so much and you try so hard, on your own, to understand and accept him. Hopefully coming to this site will break the isolation and help lift up the burden of fears, confusions and frustrations.
You say you don't want to hurt him but don't you think he needs to know how you feel? Healthy and strong relationships are about honesty. If he doesn't know how much his CDism is hurting you how can he try to come to a mutual agreement you both feel ok about? He might needs to be as patient with you as you have been with him. Then you'll know he loves you and that knowledge might give you more confidence. It's all about balance and reciprocity in the give and take.
I hope you find the way to talk to him and he finds the way to hear you clearly. That he understand that your reaction to his CDism his not a rejection of him but something that is troubling you. To be able to move on and get unstuck it first needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. Let him know how hard you have tried and how hard you are still ready to try but that you too will need his understanding, his support and his help while you deal with these feelings.

All the best to both of you.

Maebh

chrerry

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2008, 11:08:10 pm »
 :( DJ it sounds very sad for you, as for myself I believe in love, commitment and honesty and thats what I get from my CD, he think's of what is best for us, when I tell my CD he is the love of my life, that's what I mean he is my star that shines in the night and my sun that come's up in the morning, that's what love mean's and I don't really think your SO know's what it mean's when he say's your the love of his life, I guess you really need to talk to him and set your self free from these feeling's, we all need love and to be loved , if my SO did all those things I think I would probably be looking for a different kind of life, one that made me happy, life is to short not to be happy with the person your with, leaving can be painful but you two need to really talk and get things right for both of you , it takes two to make it work so good luck in what ever you do...chrerry

tamerisk40

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #14 on: August 24, 2008, 04:59:33 pm »
Gill,
Very well spoken, and my respect to you in all respects.
Let's face it we come together as man and woman. The man to rise up as the protector, and the head of the household.
This is although something that he is not to do alone, but with his wife along side.
Then as in this instance the tables are turned, and what we thought was up is down, and what shall we do?
Basic and foremost it was a lie, and a misrepresentation of ourselves to our spouse, and that will always be something that shakes us to the core.
Toto, I am sorry for what you are going threw, and hope that soon that somehow someway you will be able to come to get your arms around this situation.
My opinion is that of some of the others, and that is to do what is right in your own eyes at the moment. Do not drop a thermo-nuc. into this. But rather get right with you first.
Be very, very careful of what you take into consideration from what your friends may have for advice.
I went threw a terrible, terrible divorce years ago, and believe me everyone had their version of what I should do. STOP, breathe, take a day away if you must, talk with a counselor, talk with your pastor, talk with someone you know will not react, but listen, be sypathetic, and gather yourself.
Did he stop loving you, has he stop supporting you, financially? The man you love is probably still there, but things are really different.
I hate divorce, and I hate pain that was, and is intentionally inflicted on people. Please do not make any rash decisions until you can get above this, to see where you are standing.....Tamerisk40

Tina

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser\'s Wifes.
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2009, 08:51:59 pm »
Hello DJ

Sounds like we have the same story going on.  My bf of almost 5 years tells me he is TG/CD about a month ago.  That was a awakening to be sure.  Doesn't touch me a way that a man and a women should do. Only twice in all that time.  No offense to anybody.

Still trying to get a grip and figure out were to go from here.  Do I love him enough to stick it out, and work it threw?  Just never ending questions in my head.  Maybe CD  I can handle?   But I've never seen him dress.  I wonder about that.  I've given him one of my nightgowns before.  That's as far as that went.  I guess it's the TG that scares me.

I know he's never cheated on me.  Not even on the phone.  I'm very sad for you.  I cry myself to sleep a lot as of late.  Hope to here from you again soon.
And pray it all works out

Sorry for reflecting back to myself this was your story. 

Post Merge: May 22, 2009, 09:01:36 pm
tamerisk

Wish I could put words to paper they way alot of you do.  I feel like I just spit it out and there, you read it.

Sorry

Alpha

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2009, 04:21:20 pm »
Toward an Understanding

There seems to be an area of common agreement among various transvestites regarding strict categorization of certain specific emotions into “male” and "female" identification. While most: people seem to be fairly comfortable with feeling a wide range of emotions as their "norm", with no particular identification of those emotions as to specific gender, the transvestite seems to, quite consciously, apply definitions clearly identifying "male" and "female" emotions and feelings, and somehow determines that they are or are not acceptable for each sex to feel and/or express.

The first and obvious conclusion about this would be to immediately point the finger at Mommy and Daddy; who may have indelibly impressed this distinction upon a young mind. However, it isn't only Mommy and Daddy who insist on this very artificial and arbitrary dictum: society, as a whole, promulgates and promotes it, to one    or another.

Why then, isn't every little boy going to grow up to be a crossdresser? Simply because every human being differs in every respect- -and this applies to parents as well as children. There are probably more individual differences in emotional make-up than there are physical differences, and everyone knows that there are myriad variations on the human theme.

Let us then consider a hypothetical little boy. For reasons of genetic influences, he is obviously masculine, bright, alert, sensitive, artistic, gentle, expressive, and emotional. He can even be large and aggressive but he has the entire range of human feelings right along with it. And the first thing he is taught is: Boys do not cry, girls can cry. Boys do not act emotional ... anger is the only approved of feeling; boys are tough, and so on. The list is endless, and in order to gain approval, he must suppress the gentleness, the sensitivity, the artistic, and the emotional responses that are inherent in his make-up. At the same time, he usually discovers that girls are sweet, boys are nasty. Girls have to be babied and taken care of by males. Girls can hug; males must slap each other on the back. In general, the message is that girls have it made.

Now, just suppose that this particular little boy is very needful of gentle, loving handling. He needs cuddling more than another child, male or female, might. His needs are 'human' needs, with no gender identification at all, but he is immediately rebuffed with the reminder of his gender being given as the reason why he must not expect to have his need fulfilled. Children observe and form conclusions. Little girls obviously receive special attention and privileges. They wear pretty things. They are protected from everything, including nasty male aggression.

If this hypothetical little boy had his choice, he would rather be a girl ... and who in the world could blame him for at that conclusion? However, this is not an acceptable feeling either, and the slightest indication that he might feel that way immediately draws parental fire. One more guilt for feeling something that is not approved of by his ultimate authority, in this case, his parents.
 
One must understand that this is a young little boy. He does not begin to know why and how his feelings occur. He will probably never fully and consciously remember them, but they are there, and they will continue to be reinforced every day. Girls are something special, boys are simply tolerated and expected to perform all kinds of things that girls are not, most of them distasteful in one way or another. It comes to mind. in particular, that if a little boy and a little girl are confronted with a big. nasty-looking spider, the little girl is permitted to run and scream; the little boy is expected to kill it, even though he wants to run and scream, too. If he runs and screams, he is called “sissy"~ and thoroughly disapproved of.

There is no doubt that the anger and resentment over this obvious inequity in treatment is deep and enduring. One can hear this underlying theme in every conversation with a transvestite male. It is not so much a resentment of females, themselves, (something to be sought after), but rather an anger about the perceived prerogatives and privileges of females, their power over males, their pampered and protected position in the world.

There is a rather strange corollary here, too. While the adult male transvestite clearly and logically understands that females do NOT have all the icing on the cake of life, they persist in clinging to the little boy's idea that the best and only way to be is female. While everyone has, from time to time, wished casually that they could be of the opposite sex, this little boy is not casual. It has become permanent and fixed in his mind, but at this point, he is not a transvestite and may never become one unless certain other triggering incidents occur at fairly specific times in his 4evelopment.

To this point in our hypothetical little boy's life, the interaction has been between himself and his special human needs, and his parents, particularly his mother, who is probably a very decent, loving woman who hasn't the vaguest idea that she is missing the boat with this child. In all probability, she
is really trying to raise her son to be a little gentleman with females, trying to instill in him a respect and admiration for them, while encouraging him to be a real little man, forgoing all his inherent characteristic to do so.

Now as to the triggering incidents. Sexual behavior and preferences can be, and are, influenced by something call the 'imprinting process.' This is especially true for males and can be the root cause of deviations in sexual behavior and fetishism of various kinds. For whatever reason, females, in great part, do not seem to be particularly susceptible to the imprinting process that can result in fetishism; this seems to fall in the realm of male sexual behavior. Further, children exhibit sexual behavior and responses at a very early age. Anyone who has changed a little boy baby is aware of this response. It is purely physical in nature, but pleasurable nonetheless. These responses continue throughout childhood, without particular thought or even consciousness of them. Even in very young children, masturbating activities occur, tough not to a climax, giving a general overall pleasurable feeling.

And it can be conjectured that somewhere here within the imprintable stage of his development, our hypothetical little boy discovers, quire by accident, that some article of female clothing provides sensual pleasure. Understand that this child doesn't have the slightest idea of what sex is; he has simply found something that feels pleasurable, something that produces tactile pleasure when he is in contact with it. And this happens at such an early age that our little boy does not even remember it. But he will always feel sensual pleasure when he is in contact with that particular item, and never really know why, but he has been imprinted for life.
 
Why does our little boy discover the pleasure in female garments? Because he is already predisposed because he believes that being female is the best way to be. He will be the little boy most apt to be interested in female clothing; he will be the little boy most apt to want to try it on to emulate the female. And he will be the little boy who, upon seeing himself in a mirror dressed as a female, will feel that it is right and proper for him, no matter what the rest of the world thinks, and at this point the rest of the is his family. Because of the outraged disapproval surrounding this, should he be found out, his secret life begins, and living a secret life can be a terrible burden, one that exacts a terrible price mentally and emotionally,

There comes a point when our little boy clearly remembers the things that happen. He is growing and developing. He is becoming interested in sex, and sexual arousal usually occurs in context with female clothing; he will clearly remember the first incident of dressing and masturbating to climax. A kind of repetitive pattern then develops, repeated over and over again across the years.

Our little boy becomes a man … a man's man, as it were. because of the deep feelings of isolation and differentness, he over-compensates. He tries repeatedly to "kick the habit; and he cannot. It  is a part of him, it belongs to him, it is him, as much as his lungs or heart. It is a compulsion and it is an obsession. It is a part of his identity, inextricably intertwined with his sexuality.
 
And, at some point, he discovers something else. All of a sudden when dressed as a woman, he can feel and express all those bottled up, forbidden emotions and feelings that have caused him so much pain and anguish across the years. He can freely laugh, cry, act silly, relax, in short, be his WHOLE self! This is never permitted in his role as a male. Because of his perception of the freedom of females, he is now free to express the whole range of human emotions he has so carefully filed and pigeon-holed as belonging to only one gender.
 
If the process of life is a struggle 'toward,' then let us hope that this growth of the transvestite is toward  complete acceptance of himself as he is, one WHOLE person, with permission freely given just to BE.

Jenny (CJ's wife – 45 years)

confusedandunsure

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2010, 01:44:55 am »
I am having a hard time my husband of 30 years just admitted to me that he dresses in womens clothes. (only because I accidentally found them) His father treated him very badly and was very physical in punishing him even for things that his female siblings had done so he said he always wanted to be a girl so he wouldn't get hurt.And throughout our marriage things have happened that have hurt him and he says that is what triggered it again.
I am trying to understand so this marriage doesn't have to end but alot of things just don't make sense.If he has done this before is it possible he doesn't understand it himself ? If I change the things that i do that upset him can he really stop?And if it is a coping mechanism for him do I have the right to ask him to stop?I have so many questions that only he can answer but he gets angry and don't want to talk about it he says if i change he will change is that very likely,or is it even possible for it to just stop if he has been doing this since childhood.

Offline tekla

  • Left Coast
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 18,881
  • Reputation: +190/-0
  • Self-Rescuing Princess
Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2010, 07:20:33 am »
This deserves much more of an answer than I can give it before I head off to work (and yeah slackers, note the time on the post, which is East Coast, so it's 5:30 here - so much for a rock and roll lifestyle) but I'll think on it and post when I get back on Sun/Mon.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...

TheNerdWife

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2011, 01:59:34 pm »
My husband and I have only been married for 6 months. About three months into our relationship I used his laptop and found open links for his porn which mostly included hentai and anime artwork that was ALL crossdressing. I was slightly surprised and in the best and calmest way I knew how, I asked him about it. He was very embarassed but talked to me about it the best he could. He said I was the only person that has ever known about his interest in crossdressing. It wasn't until after we got married that the subject came up again and he finally felt comfortable enough to really talk about it. We experiments with it in the bedroom only once and it was so rewarding! We used some of my lingerie and he was so happy. I was amazingly surprised at how much doing it turned me on as well. Not to mention I was very surprised that afterwards, still dressed in all my lace, he held me in bed and told me how beautiful I was. It seemed like such an odd thing to say! haha. I've always been one for experiments so this was a new and very exciting experiment for the both of us.
The one thing I am still having a problem adjusting to is the fact that he still looks at pornography so often. And its all the same anime crossdress porn. I am a proud owner of a very healthy sex drive, and I feel as if I am putting a lot of effort into giving him what he needs to feel happy and sexy and wanted, but he still feels the need to look at those things...very close to everyday. Part of me feels that I can never look like that, therefore, maybe I'm just not enough sometimes...but that just hurts to think about... I've tried talking to him about it and he is always willing to listen and reassure me that I am always enough, but it doesn't seem like he takes these things to heart in his actions...
If anyone has any comments or advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

---And I am so grateful to having found this message board. It's helped me more than anything through these new changes in my relationship. Thank you SO much.

Tags: