Author Topic: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.  (Read 44571 times)

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Offline tekla

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2011, 02:17:25 pm »
Women don't understand what men see in porn.  Men can't figure out why women get so upset over it.  I've never had any luck explaining it to either side.


But I'm going to think about the rest during my bike ride today.  I'll get back to this.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...

miss_cj

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2012, 11:07:02 pm »
Hi all I am married to a Crossdresser.  I love him unconditionally, I want him to be himself and I understand that his feminine side is a part of who he is as well.  He tells me it is more of a sexual thing for him and It has taken me quite a bit to put my feelings aside and open myself up to lets say new experiences in the bedroom with this side of him.  But I am finding that things are progressing to a point I am not sure about and wondering where the boundaries in our relationship have gone when he is dressed.  I am trying to allow him the space to experience and explore what ever he needs and trying to think ahead to the future when our children are out of the home, as he has told me he will probably want to dress more often then.  I am not sure how I will feel on this as I really enjoy him as a male as well. I sometimes enjoy our time when he is dressed but sometimes I don't but I just fake my enjoyment because I am worried about him feeling rejected.  He had a girlfriend in the past that had found out and it didn't go so well for him and he is very much a person who brings things from past relationships into the present.  I guess I am wanting to understand a bit more on this side of a CD and if this is what might progress to a TG.  I honestly don't know what I would do if he went all the way.  But he has tried to tell me he won't yet I am not sure he even knows.  There is definitely some things like wanting to try and experience things sexually the way a woman does that worries me. I am a bit worried and self conscience about him liking what a man could do to him better then me.   I to like many of the other SO's have done a lot of crying. I am just not sure how far I can go with some of this but am worried about losing him if I don't as well.

I thank anyone that can help with a response on this and any advice as well.
Thanks CJ

Offline Lyric

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2012, 09:27:44 am »
You sound like a very considerate and loving wife, CJ, but it won't do your marriage any good to ignore your own needs. This is the kind of situation that warrants seeing a councilor together. Everyone has their own range of things they can enjoy, tolerate and not tolerate. You need to define yours. Often in a relationship with a crossdresser, the man's exploration of his own needs can leave the wife out the loop. This always causes problems and it appears that is where you are headed. A healthy relationship requires giving equal attention to both of your needs.

Lyric ~
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Seratonie

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #23 on: May 19, 2012, 12:07:53 pm »
Hi, this is my first post. I'm a cis-gendered woman, basically meaning that my internal and external sex are female.

I seem to be in an unusual place. My partner has always looked androgynous. It is so natural and organic to his appearance (and I am so comfortable with androgyny, and he is so comfortable with himself) that when I learned that most of his clothes were from the women's section, I didn't think twice about it. When he started going more toward the feminine end of the spectrum in dress/appearance, I was completely fine with the idea of him being a CD and honestly enjoyed that part.

It turns out that 'he' is a trans woman. This is the part I am having difficulty with. I've been reading up on what transgenderism is and I accept and understand it with no problems--as a concept, and for other people. But because she (the correct pronoun to use now) is my partner, I am facing the loss of the male part of her, whom/which I am very attracted to. It feels like a death to me, while for her, she is about to start becoming the person she has always been inside--this doesn't feel like a loss to her, though I'm not going to try to speak for her experience too much. I know the path ahead of her isn't easy, but it doesn't seem to feel so much like a devastating loss as it does to me.

At times I am OK with it, because we have such a strong connection and good relationship. At other times it just seems so scary, like a path of no return. I don't know what she will be like as a woman and I am already so happy with her as male. This isn't something that I want, but it's not something she can or should ignore. So I have to deal with it.

I feel hopeful that things will turn out ok, and we both want to stay together. Even before this issue came up, I knew I loved the person first, not the appearance, but this is a huge test of that ('put your money where your mouth is' territory). We can talk about this, and I can get upset, and it's still ok.

So I would like to hear others' experiences and am happy to talk about mine somewhat, but I won't get too specific or personal because she is not telling people yet.
 

Seratonie

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2012, 12:25:14 pm »
Oops, sorry, I meant to post this in the forum for SOs of TGs.

Offline Sayra

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #25 on: March 01, 2014, 12:23:28 pm »
I posted in the forum for SO's of TG's for another topic, but it was sort of related to this.

My husband of nearly 10 years just told me 2 1/2 weeks ago that he likes to CD. Coping with things go well some days and not so much on others. Today is one of those "other" days for me, and I'm sitting about reading the forums trying to see if I can get a grip on how I'm feeling about the whole thing. We've had lots of talking in the last while about where this is going to lead. He's insisted that his sexual orientation is heterosexual, which gives me a little solace that he'll hopefully still find me attractive. He's also insisted that a full transition is not something that he's willing to consider at this time, also a relief to me. However, he's had time to come to this conclusion that this is what he wants to do. I've had 2 .5 weeks.

I'm trying to be supportive, helping out with jewellery, makeup, clothes, shopping, even going to the lingerie store with him. (Granted, I'm a bit of a shopaholic, so I get a lot of gratification shopping with him, for him.) But, I have some days where I really wonder if I'm strong enough to handle what might be coming.

I tend to be a bit of a dweller on topics, I'll worry through things until I'm satisfied with how I think I might handle it. This particular topic though, no matter how I mull it over, no matter how I see the multitude of endings, I can't get my mind to wrap around. I'm really terrified of that final choice, what if he wants to transition, what if he'd rather be a woman for good? Am I going to be strong enough for our family to manage this, and how on earth will our children manage?

For now, this issue has been decided for the both of us that it's just ours. He has his group of friends online for support, but I haven't anyone because we aren't telling anyone yet. When we do decide to tell, I think things will go better. I miss my own support network of friends who are familiar with me and are able to talk to me. Right now, this forum is all I've really got, so I'm throwing it out there into the ether that maybe there's someone else who might share in the same situation and maybe we'll find support.

Thanks all!
Sayra.
S.

Offline Sayra

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #26 on: March 05, 2014, 12:59:36 am »
It's a new week and I'm sure this is typical of most relationships, especially those with such changes that we face, but long conversations sure aide in the communication of the fount of feelings! After the last weekend being difficult for me, I sat and read and re-read my posts in the SO forums several times to sort through things for myself. At the end it came down to just owning up to my fears and addressing them with my husband and taking the time to really listen to what he had to say and to stop assuming the final choice without his even addressing it. We talked and talked and at the end of it all, the only thing that mattered was that I love him for him in all his changing states and I didn't want to be with anybody else, ever. In our honest conversation we went over my greatest fears and worries and he has assured me that they were not in consideration at this point in time. These conversations have calmed me down quite a bit and I have just decided to adopt the attitude that we will be just fine.

Now with my more confident state of acceptance, we are moving ahead and living our lives in a happier albeit still undisclosed form. I plan on attending the support group for family/SO's the week after next here in our city and I hope to find other wives to bring support for those rough days that are probably still ahead. No matter what is coming we will be just fine and I'm really pleased about that. Thanks for letting me rant away in here :) S.l
S.

kimberly c

Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #27 on: March 05, 2014, 09:54:30 am »
Hi Sayra,I have been a crossdresser all my life and have been married for over thirty years. We have a strong relationship and are a
            normal couple in every way except I have a very strong feminine side. I love to dress in lingerie for bed and that has led to
            a fantastic sex life. My wife is very supportive of my dressing which lets me dress at home anytime I want. I love to shop
            and my closet is half full of feminine clothes and I have more panties and bras than my wife. She just knows that dressing
            is just one part of me. My final choice will not be transition Im very happy being a crossdresser. I am also a heterosexual
            but when dressed for bed Im very submissive and enjoy being the woman, my wife will use a strap on so I can experience
            penetration. I can enjoy both sides of sexual activity it works for both of us. I hope you find support, but for now just support
           your husband it will make him very happy!!!

                           Love  Kim

Offline Sayra

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2014, 10:17:37 am »
Hi Kimberly!

Thanks for the reply, sorry I've taken so long to get back to you! It's been busy at our house! For now, it's not very possible for him to dress while at home because we have 3 small ones that we're still sorting out how we'll expose them to his dressing. I don't mind that they know but our oldest is in school and we all know how bad that is in the suburbs!!

Thus far, we've been very much the same, oddly enough due to some changes in my hormones (the youngest just turned 1 not too long ago, I'm just starting to get back to myself!), we've been having more sex than we used to. As far as adventurous goes, I'm very much fine with exploring new territory, and this facet of him does let us do that (to each their own!). I have no problems with the lingerie, but I'm still trying to wrap my head about the whole idea being fully dressed for sex. So, that'll take some time and we'll maybe go that route. Strap ons are something we contemplated and we'll give that a go once we figure out if the penetration is something he actually enjoys or not, as he's not really experienced that yet.

I'm actually SUPER excited to be supportive since he's got a wardrobe that needs filling and I utterly LOVE shopping. We went yesterday and scored a bunch of really useful things for him, new nude pumps, some pretty flats, a seriously sexy pair of canvas peep toes for the summer, sweater dress, and a new spring moto jacket! (I got soap :P Lucky for me, it's my favourite exfoliating one, so it makes up for it!!)

Silly questions for CD's who swing by here: Would other CD's find a personal shopper, useful? I hear stories about the issues that surround shopping for some of the newer CD's along with the fashion issues and wondered if I could help out? Is it weird I want to? Is it weird that I'm so happy to shop for CD's? (I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to shopping, but if it's not my money, that's ok right!? And, tbh, I'm honestly happy to shop for anyone, period.)

Thanks again Kimberly!
S.

Offline Lyric

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #29 on: March 19, 2014, 11:08:46 am »
Silly questions for CD's who swing by here: Would other CD's find a personal shopper, useful?

They would and do, in fact. For instance, Nordstrom department stores offer personal shopping aides to customers and also have a very accomodating policy toward crossdressers. I've heard multiple accounts of crossdresser's who have used such services there. I'd imagine if you wanted to act as a shopping helper for someone into this stuff, there are aspiring CD folks who would be interested.
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." - Steve Jobs

Offline Sayra

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #30 on: March 19, 2014, 05:55:30 pm »
We live in Canada and just got a new Nordstrom's! I looked at doing it for Holt Renfew, but it wasn't hours I could keep (kids) :( I was mostly thinking that I have so much fun doing all the shopping with my husband, it would be fun to freelance too!

Thanks for the reply! I'll be sure to ask next time I go in!
S.

Offline Alyssa L.

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #31 on: March 21, 2014, 02:51:53 pm »
[Temporarily Removed by User]
« Last Edit: June 06, 2014, 09:08:53 am by Alyssa L. »
Sadly I have been forced to delete all my posts due to my wife using them as a weapon against me in conflicts during our difficult separation. I will still be around on the site and available for private messages.

Offline Sayra

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2014, 03:48:01 am »
Any time after finals!
S.

Offline Twoman44

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #33 on: March 12, 2017, 11:01:58 pm »
My husband was caught wearing a bra during masturbation.... He first told me it was something that turned himself on like a kinky thing or a fetish....later he told me that he had a feminine side....then I thought it was just cross dressing but it has evolved into him telling me that he has always wanted to fell or be a girl since he was young. He just doesnt fit a Transgender well.... he says he doesnt want to BE a woman but that he loves everything about women and that if he could walk through a door with no consequences, he woud be one and go back and forth.... He says that he wishes he could have a small development of breasts and have some minor female features (soft skin, hair, etc) but that he still likes being a man. The thing is....when he is done acting out sexually (fantasizing he is a woman during masturbation) or dressing...he takes everything off and wants nothing to do with the female side for awhile but...it doesnt last long...during the day he often has fleeting thoughts of having his own breast, long hair, the clothes, etc some days the thoughts are short and other times he cannot get them to stop (he lets his mind run). Since I have found out about this he says that it was easier and more controllable but now his mind runs with thoughts about it very strongly and has almost talked himself into beginning HRT and wonders if he is a Transgender woman. The thing is that he says he doesnt feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.... its very confusing for the both of us. At the moment he is in the mode of not wanting to talk about anything, dress, or see a therapist. He wants to put it in the closet where it belongs (his words). Is he a Transgender, a cross dresser, does he have Transvestic Fetishism, or a new one I found, Gynephilia. Its super confusing. Im really trying to get him to see a therapist but he is just not on board.

Offline aaajjj55

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Re: Needing to Understand why for Crossdresser's Wifes.
« Reply #34 on: March 13, 2017, 11:55:08 pm »
Twoman44 - I was very interested to read your description of your husband's feelings as they seem very similar to mine.  I'm no expert on this matter but I'll try to give you an independent insight which, hopefully, will help you to better understand your husband's situation.

Firstly, it's important to remember that this is far more difficult for men than it is for women.  A woman who is, for want of a better description, 'T-curious' can easily put on a pair of trousers, shirt, flat shoes and tie her hair back and no-one is any the wiser.  On the other hand, a T-curious man doing similar is immediately branded as a crossdresser/ transvestite, 'tranny' or pervert depending on how tolerant people aware of this are.  Also, whereas a man whose wife starts wearing more male orientated clothes will usually dismiss it as 'she's given up on herself' or similar, a woman discovering that her husband likes to wear bras or high heels will look far deeper for answers as you are doing.  As a result, many men in this situation have to carry the burden of their secret and indulge in furtive dressing sessions when the rest of the family are out.  The logistics of this, combined with the constant fear of being discovered, does not make life easy!

Secondly, there are a few common misconceptions about transgenderism and clarity is often needed:

- wishing you'd been born female is not the same as wanting to become female
- being envious of women's lifestyle is not the same as wanting to live that life permanently
- being female is not just wearing heels, lingerie and looking gorgeous!
- being a crossdresser does not automatically mean that you want to be a full time female
- being transgender (in whatever form it takes) is not usually a perversion but a reflection of an anomaly in the brain during foetal development

I would also mention in passing that, for those of us trying to live our life with transgender feelings, the internet has been our greatest friend and our biggest eneny - communities such as this are a wonderful source of support and reassurance that we are not alone with our feelings (in particular, I have learned so much about myself through participation) but I also find that seeing and reading about some of the more spectacular transitions often triggers my own dysphoria and, in many ways, I found it far easier to live with before the days of the internet (I am in my 50s)

The fact that your husband has been so open and detailed with his description of how he feels indicates that he is almost certainly not a pathalogical liar and what he says about his intentions are true.  He will almost certainly have some days where he feels that gender transition is the only solution for him but many others where, as he has stated, he is perfectly happy being male.  He has said that he doesn't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body and I think you can draw a lot of reassurance from this.

I think you are right in encouraging him to seek therapy but, equally, the fact that he is rejecting the idea may well be an indication that he is trying to get things under control himself.  From your point of view, I think your best strategy is to encourage him to be honest about his feelings and tolerant of his activities as far as you can.  There may come a point where his feelings and intentions intesify to the point where you feel they are incompatible with continuation of the marriage but, for the time being, as long as he's being a dutiful husband and not harbouring secrets, then you're a very lucky lady.

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