Topic: Allison's Story

[Allison R]

Yep, my Grandmother was fueled by canned fruit and home made ambrosia. The ambrosia was a tradition. The newest woman to marry into the family got to peel and quarter the grapes for the ambrosia. It was a way for my Grandmother to have some quality, uninterrupted time to get to know and to pass on necessary info.

Yesterday was a little fraught. In conversation with my wife, she made a disparaging comment about my choice of underwear. The first, but it was predicated by an unnecessary comment by me. And it probably wasn't even meant to be disparaging, just my overactive imagination, since, after the comment, her attitude and tone didn't change from loving and accepting.

Today I am going to try some different things I haven't done. I have been keeping one of my nails painted with a clear polish to help with a splitting problem, and today I am going to do all 10. I don't know if I will leave it all on tonight, probably not though. I think I have pushed my wife enough for now. I want to try something different today because yesterday I had a pretty bad bout with jealousy. While getting a ride from my neighbor she was wearing shorts and had smooth legs and that is something I really wish I could do without my wife freaking. I told my wife a couple of weeks ago I would like to see what my legs feel like smooth and that was a no-go all the way around. And of course the thought of shaving had me realizing my neighbor didn't have to spend time in the mirror shaving her face yesterday either. I really wish a frustrated scream could come thru text. Anyway, I am hoping for a better day, so I will be taking steps to have one.

Yeah, I know, if my wife hasn't figured something out she is blind as a bat. And we all have a little more info than she does. And, let's face it, even if she hit on this exact thing, she would toss the thought out immediately as just being silly. She has known me for a quarter of a century, I am sure she would feel like she would have recognized at some point that I am a woman. Ain't that a hoot. It's been a part of me for a half century, and I never consciously knew. If I could hide it that effectively from myself, she had no hope of picking up on it. I expect when I do tell her, it will have been in her thoughts a very unlikely possibility though.

I want and need to tell my wife, I am just terrified of course. My tdoc wants me to wait though. She didn't explain why. It was all thru text instead of voice, so no body language or voice inflection to go on and I don't really know why. She has been believing that my wife will be more accepting than I have thought, encouraging me to acknowledge that things change and that tomorrow I very well may feel differently. So I don't get the holdup. I am going to listen to her and trust her, and not just because I am terrified of that conversation. I know that in June I am going to start my medical journey, and my tdoc may be waiting for me to start HRT. That kind of seems like a bad idea, but I do trust my tdoc, and see above about terror.

Well I hope everyone has a good end to your weekend.

Allison

[TXSara]

Yeah, I know, if my wife hasn't figured something out she is blind as a bat. And we all have a little more info than she does. And, let's face it, even if she hit on this exact thing, she would toss the thought out immediately as just being silly. She has known me for a quarter of a century, I am sure she would feel like she would have recognized at some point that I am a woman. Ain't that a hoot. It's been a part of me for a half century, and I never consciously knew. If I could hide it that effectively from myself, she had no hope of picking up on it. I expect when I do tell her, it will have been in her thoughts a very unlikely possibility though.

That sounds a lot like the lead-up to me telling my wife that I preferred to wear women's clothes.  I was convinced that she was onto me (had found some article of clothing that wasn't hers, found some evidence that I had residual makeup on, etc).  She had made quite a few little comments that made me think she knew.  She didn't.  To this day, she says that she knew subconsciously, but not really.  It may be similar for your wife.

On the subject of hiding it from ourselves:  I had been feeling this way since I was a kid, yet I STILL hadn't connected the dots.  I thought my desire to dress in women's clothes was just some weird creepy thing that I had in my head and couldn't get rid of.  I don't think I wanted to see myself as truly transgender.  Anyway, it's pretty funny that after I told her about my dressling, she kept telling me that I was LGBT.  I told her, "No, I'm not transgender.  I just like dressing up."  What a joke.  Self-delusion, my friends...

I want and need to tell my wife, I am just terrified of course. My tdoc wants me to wait though. She didn't explain why. It was all thru text instead of voice, so no body language or voice inflection to go on and I don't really know why. She has been believing that my wife will be more accepting than I have thought, encouraging me to acknowledge that things change and that tomorrow I very well may feel differently. So I don't get the holdup. I am going to listen to her and trust her, and not just because I am terrified of that conversation. I know that in June I am going to start my medical journey, and my tdoc may be waiting for me to start HRT. That kind of seems like a bad idea, but I do trust my tdoc, and see above about terror.

I should probably leave this one alone.  I'm not sure I agree with your doc, but I also don't have all the information.  My general view is that it's hard enough to make it through all of this without also adding a lack of trust.  As soon as the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

Here's the irony in what I have said above -- even with as much as I preach trust and honesty, I didn't come clean to my wife about my dressing until we were already married 14 years.  Even though I have been extremely transparent with her since that point, she STILL harbors resentment over it.  It's tough.  She still doesn't seem to get the fact that this was my deepest and darkest secret and that I was afraid that my entire world would fall apart if anyone knew.  Still -- no free pass.

Hide things are your own risk.

~Sara

[Allison R]

Honestly Sara, I don't agree either, but I think it is a misunderstanding on my part. She has been the one really rallying for my wife. I am going to talk to her tomorrow and then we will see what this week may bring.

Allison

[Allison R]

Another in a string of rough days. I am not only dealing with my gender issues right now, they have caused enough turmoil in my life that I am having to deal with some other different highly stressful things. I will most likely be moving this weekend with my wife. The conditions under which I have been renting this place has changed to an untenable position. It is actually causing drastic problems now, and I just don't need the added stress. After my wife and I have moved and things have stabilized I will be having the talk with her.

I know this is a low point for me as far as my mood, but I still don't hold a lot of hope for my wife's understanding. We had a discussion today about the changes I have displayed. She didn't bring up the underwear, I think she may have been frightened to, but she just has no understanding of why I am seeing a doctor. She just doesn't understand not being able to not let stuff bother me. I told her I didn't understand either, until I did, but she just doesn't get it. I read a thread from an SO the other day and she just simply couldn't believe it. She just thought her spouse was wrong. I think that's what I am going to get. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen though.

Even though it has been a difficult day, I am in a pretty good place. It has given me an opportunity to work out some of my own BS. And work through it I must.

Have a good night all.

Allison

[Allison R]

Shame. This thing with my wife and underwear has brought it to the forefront. Having read thru Nora's thread, she said she was having problems at one point dressing in front of her wife, even though her wife had no problems with it. I am having that exact problem. I spent about 90% of my day yesterday thinking about shame, and will probably do it again today.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. No control over it, so no choices to be ashamed of making. However, I still feel it. The reason why is because I have had such a revulsion of anyone seeing anything feminine about me that it is simply going to take time to recondition this. To embrace others seeing me for who I am. The thought that someone would see me for me has been such an unbearable idea that it is an ingrained, unreasoning and unreasonable mental block, but it can and will be beaten. I have no shame of being myself, I have 5+ decades of beating all things feminine about myself into submission and out of sight to overcome.

This shame has caused me to doubt myself again over the last few days, to wonder again if I am deluding myself. Not a good place to be when your wife's most likely response will be absolute disbelief. The thing I keep coming back to though, is that the evidence for me being a transgender woman at this point far outweighs any evidence to the contrary. As strange as it is to me, that idea has actually become an anchor in my life.

Well I hope you all have a successful, productive day today.

Allison

[Brooke Renee]

Shame. This thing with my wife and underwear has brought it to the forefront. Having read thru Nora's thread, she said she was having problems at one point dressing in front of her wife, even though her wife had no problems with it. I am having that exact problem. I spent about 90% of my day yesterday thinking about shame, and will probably do it again today.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. No control over it, so no choices to be ashamed of making. However, I still feel it. The reason why is because I have had such a revulsion of anyone seeing anything feminine about me that it is simply going to take time to recondition this. To embrace others seeing me for who I am. The thought that someone would see me for me has been such an unbearable idea that it is an ingrained, unreasoning and unreasonable mental block, but it can and will be beaten. I have no shame of being myself, I have 5+ decades of beating all things feminine about myself into submission and out of sight to overcome.

This shame has caused me to doubt myself again over the last few days, to wonder again if I am deluding myself. Not a good place to be when your wife's most likely response will be absolute disbelief. The thing I keep coming back to though, is that the evidence for me being a transgender woman at this point far outweighs any evidence to the contrary. As strange as it is to me, that idea has actually become an anchor in my life.

Well I hope you all have a successful, productive day today.

Allison

Hello Allison,

I think we all have gone through or are going through the exact same mental evolution as yourself.  I first experienced feminine feelings and desires when I was very young.  As a young child I had no reason to feel shame, that is a learned response.  So in my innocence I voice my desire to be a ballerina to my family and was verbally and physically abused for the months that followed.  That was when shame and fear and guilt became a part of the equation.  Those same emotions persist today.  They are part of what is keeping me from a full transition, they are keeping me from being truly happy. 

Please do not allow shame to make you doubt whether or not you are transgender, that will never end well.  Shame may mask the feelings (in an unhealthy way) but in time, the feelings will return. 

Perhaps finding a therapist that has significant experience in dealing with gender identity and trans issues could be helpful.  They are not super easy to find, and finding one you connect with is even harder!  Trust me I have gone through a few... 

In any case, my emotional rollercoaster is such that I rarely feel I have any advice to offer but..  I can offer my support and these simple words.  Deep down you know who you are, our culture will try to convince you otherwise but it cannot alter your sense of being. 

Hugs,

Brooke

[Allison R]

Hello Brooke and thank you.

I think that all of us that transition late in life have a lot of baggage to offload. People our age of course have a lot of baggage, but with the world the way it is, we tend to carry a lot more. This took me by surprise feeling ashamed in front of my wife. But it has allowed me to drill down on it and try to sort it out in my head. I do have a gender therapist that I have been in contact with this week, and she wants me to acknowledge and document any feelings, emotional or physical, for our next session. This is something that I will be able to overcome, I have no doubt about that.

And as far as giving advice, I am with you totally. I am barely keeping my own head above water, and you really might not want to trust my thoughts, I don't, but I am always ready, willing, and able to be an ear and a shoulder.

Allison

[Brooke Renee]

Hello Brooke and thank you.

I think that all of us that transition late in life have a lot of baggage to offload. People our age of course have a lot of baggage, but with the world the way it is, we tend to carry a lot more. This took me by surprise feeling ashamed in front of my wife. But it has allowed me to drill down on it and try to sort it out in my head. I do have a gender therapist that I have been in contact with this week, and she wants me to acknowledge and document any feelings, emotional or physical, for our next session. This is something that I will be able to overcome, I have no doubt about that.

And as far as giving advice, I am with you totally. I am barely keeping my own head above water, and you really might not want to trust my thoughts, I don't, but I am always ready, willing, and able to be an ear and a shoulder.

Allison

I totally understand the conflicted feelings of being seen by our wives in something feminine.  Even in my situation where she is fully aware that I am transgender.  It's weird, I think I avoid her seeing me as Brooke for two reasons, I don't want  to upset the apple cart and society has taught me to not want her to see me as less of a man.  Wow, typing that out REALLY makes me realize just how ridiculous of a thought that is..  I want her to see me a way less of a man, I want to be seen as who I am and that is a woman.  But thinking all of that and doing all of that are oceans a part! 

I hope your week goes well and good luck with the move, that is always stressful. 


Brooke. 

[Sephirah]

Shame. This thing with my wife and underwear has brought it to the forefront. Having read thru Nora's thread, she said she was having problems at one point dressing in front of her wife, even though her wife had no problems with it. I am having that exact problem. I spent about 90% of my day yesterday thinking about shame, and will probably do it again today.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. No control over it, so no choices to be ashamed of making. However, I still feel it. The reason why is because I have had such a revulsion of anyone seeing anything feminine about me that it is simply going to take time to recondition this. To embrace others seeing me for who I am. The thought that someone would see me for me has been such an unbearable idea that it is an ingrained, unreasoning and unreasonable mental block, but it can and will be beaten. I have no shame of being myself, I have 5+ decades of beating all things feminine about myself into submission and out of sight to overcome.

This shame has caused me to doubt myself again over the last few days, to wonder again if I am deluding myself. Not a good place to be when your wife's most likely response will be absolute disbelief. The thing I keep coming back to though, is that the evidence for me being a transgender woman at this point far outweighs any evidence to the contrary. As strange as it is to me, that idea has actually become an anchor in my life.

Well I hope you all have a successful, productive day today.

Allison

This post is interesting, Allison. If I may offer a thought or two... I think you're looking at it the wrong way.

You're seeing the way you feel as a foe you have to vanquish. You say it yourself:

The thought that someone would see me for me has been such an unbearable idea that it is an ingrained, unreasoning and unreasonable mental block, but it can and will be beaten.

My view is that you haven't created an enemy. You've created a knight in shining armour. Someone to protect you while you're at your most vulnerable. Even from yourself. And this isn't something you beat. It isn't an enemy you have to fight. It's a part of you that you need to talk to... softly, calmly. And explain why he isn't necessary anymore. Why you're at a place in your life where you can be who you need to be. The more you fight, the more he fights back. Because that's what you made him to do. So it's an unwinnable battle. What you have to do is let him know that you've already found the holy grail, so you no longer need a King Arthur, as it were.

The defence mechanisms we put in place, we do so to combat brute force mental assaults on our brittle psyche. That's why they exist. And you only feed them by approaching it this way. Don't fight fire with fire, as I always say. Use water. What you call shame, I call your protector. Someone who has been made by you to allow you to live without having to deal with any of what you're dealing with now. Sweetie you don't battle it, you use diplomacy. You made him for war. A war on yourself. That's all he knows.

Introspection can help. It can help a lot. Guided meditation or things along those lines to put you in touch with this knight you created. I know it sounds silly, but it can work. Trust me.

*hugs* You can get past this, because it's all a part of you.