Author Topic: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward  (Read 3839 times)

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Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #60 on: January 20, 2022, 07:49:28 am »
Hello ladies,

A quick update now that it has been at least a month since I stopped HRT.  My goal with HRT was to use a low dose to help control the dysphoria but avoid visible physical changes.  At this point in my life I am not ready (or I don't feel ready) to make a transition. 

Some quick history..  Over the few months that I was on estradiol and Spiro I noticed the male libido reducing.  This cut way back on the unwanted erections and seemed to bring a since of peace.  I also loved how my skin felt different and how my sweat was different.  I really loved knowing that every time I placed a tab under my tongue I was doing something that was feminizing.  Then the breast development began, even on the low dosages.  My angst over gender dysphoria was replaced by anxiety of be outed long before I am ready.

So now it has been over a month without the meds.  Pretty much all has or is returning back to the way it was.  Including the dysphoria.  I don't really know what to do, my doctor wants me to try a low dose of estradiol and no Spiro to see how that combination goes.  Until then, I am employing every non-medical method I can to help alleviate the GD.  It's really hard though.  Sorry to be the drama girl but I know you all understand how this feels. 

 

Kindest Regards,

Brooke

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #61 on: January 20, 2022, 11:11:59 am »
I completely relate to where you're at, Brooke. I hope you and your doc are able to find a solution that offers some balance. I'm in a similar place and contemplating the same at this point.

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2022, 10:57:48 am »
I completely relate to where you're at, Brooke. I hope you and your doc are able to find a solution that offers some balance. I'm in a similar place and contemplating the same at this point.

Hi Courtney, I hope you are well and thank you for your reply and support!  The ups and downs are a killer but maybe I can find some relief, we'll see.  How nice it would be to just go through your day and never think about your gender.  But I am trying to remain positive.  I'm healthy, have a great career with a retirement, etc. so I need to keep perspective and be grateful for all that I have. 

Brooke Renee

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #63 on: January 27, 2022, 08:21:01 am »
Hello friends,

I hope you all are well and are weathering the latest biological assault that is being lobbed at us.  The new variant is definitely causing some havoc at work, I am doing everything I can to stay safe. 

Dysphoria is now a frequent companion which I felt would be the case after stopping HRT.  Later in February I have an appointment to find some middle ground.  My Doctor is thinking Estradiol but no Spiro.  She thinks that may give me some relief while minimizing the physical effects. 

In other news I am traveling to see family soon, they know nothing of Brooke, nor will they.  Just not something I am ready for.  Traveling to where they live is somewhat angsty.  They live in an ultra conservative part of the country where everything is seen, lived, and judged through the lens of religion.  Just getting off the airplane makes me tense up. 

On past trips I enjoyed a glass of bourbon to take the edge off but not this time.  I am fast approaching one year alcohol free and I am stronger than before.  This year my coping tactics will be to keep up my running and workouts.  They live near a small lake that has a great network of trails that I can run.  Nothing super long distance but I should be able to get in 10K pretty easily.  The weather looks to be somewhat rubbish with temps around 4 or 5C so I'll have to pack some cold weather gear.  That's fine, temp wise that is not too different than here at home and I will not have the damp air off the ocean to make it worse. 

In other news I am working on myself to be more emotionally available to my wife.  I have a tendency to withdraw when I am stressed or hurting, this has certainly been the case when I have been dealing with GD.  This is not good for either one of us and in time only complicates our marriage.  Now when I am low I am reaching out to her, not to dump my emotional problems but to love and hold her which is making us both more happy.  Yes, I guess this is a "no way Brooke" moment but when I'm down I cannot see the answer even when it standing right in front of me.

I guess that is latest news.  All the best to everyone! 

Love
Brooke Renee
   

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #64 on: January 27, 2022, 09:24:22 am »
Hey, Brooke!

My maddest respects for getting to your first year sober. I know you're aware how few people manage to string together 365 straight days. Proud of you, dollin'.

For those of us unfamiliar with the process of going clean, your brain takes 18-24 months to   recover from the severest stages of withdrawal. Hitting 365 straight days is very, very hard. Not many of us make it. It's so easy to fall back on that little bit of solace, that taste of simple comfort and relief, and it's all downhill from there. Most of my compatriots in Drunk Camp were frequent fliers.

Once again, Brooke, you're doing great. Keep it up. If you can make it through this past year, you can make it through this visit. You're clearly tougher than nails.

I'm always just a DM away for you.

Top notch!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Cranky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #65 on: January 27, 2022, 07:50:19 pm »
Hey, Brooke!

My maddest respects for getting to your first year sober. I know you're aware how few people manage to string together 365 straight days. Proud of you, dollin'.

For those of us unfamiliar with the process of going clean, your brain takes 18-24 months to   recover from the severest stages of withdrawal. Hitting 365 straight days is very, very hard. Not many of us make it. It's so easy to fall back on that little bit of solace, that taste of simple comfort and relief, and it's all downhill from there. Most of my compatriots in Drunk Camp were frequent fliers.

Once again, Brooke, you're doing great. Keep it up. If you can make it through this past year, you can make it through this visit. You're clearly tougher than nails.

I'm always just a DM away for you.

Top notch!

Thank you so much BG! 

Oh how I know about the frequent flyer program...  But this time seems very different, I don't (or haven't yet) had any real cravings.  Perhaps my mind and spirit finally decided that I am done with alcohol.  I have a tracker on my phone that will tell me the $$$ and calories saved, OMG that is adding up.  My goodness, talk about motivation. 

I'll make it through the visit, there will be some cringing but I'll get through. 

Again, thank you for your kind words and support.  It really means a lot, thank you. 

Hugs,

Brooke

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #66 on: Yesterday at 01:32:42 pm »
Thank you so much BG! 

Oh how I know about the frequent flyer program...  But this time seems very different, I don't (or haven't yet) had any real cravings.  Perhaps my mind and spirit finally decided that I am done with alcohol.  I have a tracker on my phone that will tell me the $$$ and calories saved, OMG that is adding up.  My goodness, talk about motivation. 

I'll make it through the visit, there will be some cringing but I'll get through. 

Again, thank you for your kind words and support.  It really means a lot, thank you. 

Hugs,

Brooke

Meant every word of it. Comes a time in a person's life where they've had enough of alcohol, and alcohol has had enough of them.

Running sounds like a very solid alternative to bourbon. Each time the walls start closing in, you have a good reason to escape for a while. I think I'd run the h*ll away from there and stay run away!  ::)

But it's up to you. I'm down a bunch of weight, too, and not drinking a handle of good bourbon a week does save a bunch of money, don't it?
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Cranky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

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