Topic: Emotional troubles? (and finding a way out)

[Sarah-Red]

Hi. Sarah here. I wanted to start a thread about emotional troubles. Partly because even though I'm trying my best with some things, I'm sure me and others could use some help at the same time, and partly because I'd like to talk about emotional and transgender troubles as well.

I feel like for more than half my life I've been emotionally suppressed, in some sense. (or repressed) I've seen therapists, psychologists, and doctors, but they kind of never seemed to know how to help me. I do think that it can take a good one to see both compassion as well as being understanding, and use their expertise to accomodate, not to just try what's worked on others. Maybe I'm not like the others, or maybe it just hasn't been the right approaches.. anyway, even with my transgender issues they could only help so much. Some things, emotionally, I have quite a bit of trouble with.

I do think that in a sense we have to be our own therapists to some degree. Sometimes we can use some help too, and that's ok. The most important is to be ourselves, and find what helps us, and to care about how we feel.

In my case, I'm trying my best to understand what's going on with me and make things better. Some things are not easy to know how to go about, I've probably got stuff I got to heal, I feel pretty disparaged about life. I don't give up, because I know there's good too, but I have trouble seeing my future, including as trans, but also just living itself, that there's some pretty heavy depression to deal with. I feel very emotionally hurt, and down, and hopeless.

Not knowing the future is what keeps me up, and it being open is the thread that keeps me alive, thinking maybe there's a way. Maybe I can be myself, maybe I can heal, maybe I can find love, maybe I can find passion, and find a reason to live. I don't know what I need exactly to make that happen, but hope needs it. I'm so desperately in need of that goodness. They're big things in my life, and I need to find my way back into life. I need something meaningful to keep me walking.

I'm so tired of being uncomfortable. I'm ready to find some kinds of solutions. I also want to believe in myself. I don't want to keep desperate, but I also want to acknowledge how I feel and find a way out.

I want to be happy.


So that'll be it for my portion for now. I want to leave it open to post about whatever you want.
I know there's plenty of people on this forum who've had their own kind of suffering, and of course we all have some around being trans or otherwise. I'm sure there's more we can say. Well there you go, anyway.

[Sarah-Red]

I wanted to add to this, to say that there's always good stuff around too, and even if it can be really hard to be positive sometimes, there is stuff to be positive about. I want to be true about the harsher feelings I have, but also not overlook what can be appreciated.

I've made a ton of progress over the years even if the hard bits can stick out. I've talked about this but I've had to just take things day by day, and try to enjoy the steps I do make towards feeling better as well as possibly transitioning. I can sometimes feel pretty good about those steps. I just also see so much in the way sometimes, that it's why I kind of have to not think too far ahead, and try to appreciate the good and what's better.

Anyway, being positive is something I want to get better with for sure. I think there's a lot to it that I could probably grow .  I just also want to learn how to heal, or whatever will help with the rest.

[Pammie]

It’s both useful and frustrating that everyone on here is experiencing individual journeys so that nobody’s experiences are a n exact template we can use and apply to ourselves. That said there are lots of things that are recognisable and potentially useful - just no complete answers!
Add to that what I see as an amazing and unexpected clarity of self awareness since transition which is also a curse because i’m so aware of what’s not right and what I’d like to improve.
I guess HRT itself has changed so much in my mind too!
I certainly feel more emotionally aware and more emotionally liberated too!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Julie H]

I haven't seen a psychiatrist in over 30 years. When I went to get help for depression I was just depressed, after 3 years or so of antidepressants I came out wanting to end my life. While on antidepressants my mood swings would go into extremes. I would get so strange that the first psychiatrist kicked me out of his office for being too strange for him to deal with, the second one dropped me as a patient when he finally took me off antidepressants. I think I was a weekly guest of crisis counseling trying to live while under care.

I spent the better part of 30 years wanting to die. March I had finally decided to make an attempt but thankfully I was foiled and unable to try. In August I was finally able to start hrt and within a week I noticed that I didn't want to die anymore and when my spiro dose was increased depression got even better. I may not be a joyful person but now depression doesn't control my life anymore.

In February or march I will have to fly down to Toronto for my first appointment at Camh. Apparently my first appointment is going to be with my third psychiatrist but things sound promising. When I mentioned that I have no intention of ever going back on antidepressants they said that they don't push any medications so we'll see how it goes.

[Sarah-Red]

I haven't seen a psychiatrist in over 30 years. When I went to get help for depression I was just depressed, after 3 years or so of antidepressants I came out wanting to end my life. While on antidepressants my mood swings would go into extremes. I would get so strange that the first psychiatrist kicked me out of his office for being too strange for him to deal with, the second one dropped me as a patient when he finally took me off antidepressants. I think I was a weekly guest of crisis counseling trying to live while under care.

I spent the better part of 30 years wanting to die. March I had finally decided to make an attempt but thankfully I was foiled and unable to try. In August I was finally able to start hrt and within a week I noticed that I didn't want to die anymore and when my spiro dose was increased depression got even better. I may not be a joyful person but now depression doesn't control my life anymore.

Wow that's harsh. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some had heavy depression for that long, but it really doesn't sound good at all. That and the emotional problems. I'm really glad that the hormones helped so much. I hope your visits go well. Sounds like you're on a good path now though.

In my case the hormones are helping a bit, but I still feel pretty crushed by some things in life and not feeling enough like I want, and things like I mentioned.

It’s both useful and frustrating that everyone on here is experiencing individual journeys so that nobody’s experiences are a n exact template we can use and apply to ourselves. That said there are lots of things that are recognisable and potentially useful - just no complete answers!
Add to that what I see as an amazing and unexpected clarity of self awareness since transition which is also a curse because i’m so aware of what’s not right and what I’d like to improve.
I guess HRT itself has changed so much in my mind too!
I certainly feel more emotionally aware and more emotionally liberated too!

That's really good. I'd like to have emotional clarity too. Maybe it's not the only thing I need, but I find it interesting that hormones did that for you. And that you feel liberated
I'm curious if I'll notice more changes as I keep on hormones.

And you're right, we all have our own journeys. And there's always 'some' things we can relate to or share that might help, at the same time each of our journeys is also kind of a lone road of sorts (with our own answers?). But we're not really alone too though.

[Pammie]

And you're right, we all have our own journeys. And there's always 'some' things we can relate to or share that might help, at the same time each of our journeys is also kind of a lone road of sorts (with our own answers?). But we're not really alone too though.

We all need a support network because we’re only human and being trans brings lots of challenges (not to mention the free paranoia that it took me years to manage).
I thought the happiness of transitioning and the positivity of HRT meant I could handle anything but losing my daughter brought home to me that i’m not unbreakable. My long time boyfriend is my rock and helps me cope - thank goodness for support networks!
I find comfort on here sometimes though sometimes I feel isolated just because my story is just my story and is unique like everybody else’s.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sarah-Red]

Life is definitely not easy sometimes. I know that some things going on aren't as bad as tragedies that can happen, but each of our lives matter and we want to feel good. Sometimes it can even just be how we take things (or don't know how) that makes it hard.

I know I wrote a lot in the first post, and it might've not been obvious, but I was actually kind of trying to reach out a little too. I don't necessarily feel like I have a support network. (I do have a few friends to talk to, but it doesnt go very far)

In other words, I'm wondering about help or advice.
I don't know how to say it, since I don't want to be desperate. I guess I'm just looking for a bit more, either help, or something. Edit: I'll just keep trying to figure it out, I guess.

[Linde]

In other words, I'm wondering about help or advice.
I don't know how to say it, since I don't want to be desperate. I guess I'm just looking for a bit more, either help, or something. Edit: I'll just keep trying to figure it out, I guess.

i think we are all very willing to give you avise, and if this is possible through the internet, also help.  Many of us have been there, where you are, and can help you with our own experience.
But you have to ask for the help you need, because we can't see you and cannot go by your facial or body expressions!

Here is, for starters, a few hugs!
Hug, Hug, Hug and a gigantic bear hug!
Linde

[Sarah-Red]

Thanks a lot for the hugs Linde.

I guess I'm not very good at reaching out and asking for help. Some thoughts on the future really depress me very bad. Sometimes I don't know if I really want to live, but like, it's kind of hard for me to show just how bad or low I can be. 

One thing I have a lot of trouble is the move of trying to present female in this society, with my body. I want to give hormones a chance to change some thigns of course, but even so, I want much more, and what I actually want is to pass. I just don't see how I can make it.

I'm trying my best to deal with my emotional problems, including my anxiety, but it's pretty hard for some stuff.

[Linde]

Thanks a lot for the hugs Linde.

I guess I'm not very good at reaching out and asking for help. Some thoughts on the future really depress me very bad. Sometimes I don't know if I really want to live, but like, it's kind of hard for me to show just how bad or low I can be. 

One thing I have a lot of trouble is the move of trying to present female in this society, with my body. I want to give hormones a chance to change some thigns of course, but even so, I want much more, and what I actually want is to pass. I just don't see how I can make it.

I'm trying my best to deal with my emotional problems, including my anxiety, but it's pretty hard for some stuff.

My dear Sarah girl,  trans persons are very often way more critical of themselves that the general public is!  We, the outside wold, may see you as way more passable than you see yourself!  There are many cis women around, who are no beauty queens either, with any kind of body shape, but they don't doubt their femininity, cause nobody ever suggest to them that they may not be female! 
Just be a little more confident of yourself.  You have a beautiful mind, you are feeling for others, and can feel with others, just feel for yourself for a change, and see what a nice person you are!
Nothing happens overnight, you will get there, just give yourself some slack, and let the hormones do their magic.  You don't belief what fat repositioning can do for the locks of any body and face!  It takes all time, like the boobs seem not to grow for ever (I thought), and all of a sudden I sit here with a 38 D size bussom!
Remember how long teenagers grow to be a woman?  They start around the age of 10 to 11, and go through changes until their early 20's, which means mostly more than 10 years, and why would you think, you would develop faster?
Just sit back and relax and enjoy the changes you have experienced so far, and everything else will fall into place at it's own speed (or as your genes allow it to do).
Several Hugs, and a Bear Hug again!
Linde

[Sarah-Red]

My dear Sarah girl,  trans persons are very often way more critical of themselves that the general public is!  We, the outside wold, may see you as way more passable than you see yourself!  There are many cis women around, who are no beauty queens either, with any kind of body shape, but they don't doubt their femininity, cause nobody ever suggest to them that they may not be female! 
Just be a little more confident of yourself.  You have a beautiful mind, you are feeling for others, and can feel with others, just feel for yourself for a change, and see what a nice person you are!
Nothing happens overnight, you will get there, just give yourself some slack, and let the hormones do their magic.  You don't belief what fat repositioning can do for the locks of any body and face!  It takes all time, like the boobs seem not to grow for ever (I thought), and all of a sudden I sit here with a 38 D size bussom!
Remember how long teenagers grow to be a woman?  They start around the age of 10 to 11, and go through changes until their early 20's, which means mostly more than 10 years, and why would you think, you would develop faster?
Just sit back and relax and enjoy the changes you have experienced so far, and everything else will fall into place at it's own speed (or as your genes allow it to do).
Several Hugs, and a Bear Hug again!
Linde

Thanks Linde, I appreciate it.

I still don't feel that I can be satisfied myself, even if lots of people around could maybe be ok with it. But I do want to be open and believe, because it makes sense to.

I have a lot to work through still, and I don't know what I'm going to do on the way, feeling like there's a lot I'm not ready for yet I don't want it to just be inside, and it being slow doesn't really suit my style, but I don't know what else I can do. This trans thing isn't all that easy :/

One positive thing in the last days is that my sexuality's been opening up a bit more and I think I would be able to be with a man, at least to explore that side of how I feel. It opens up a bit more range to explore for relationships

Anyway, I'll try to take the advice to heart, and maybe some others will post too, I just really have trouble with some things around this. I'll try not to focus overly much on appearances for now as i can, but it's pretty important to me.

[Sarah-Red]

Hi Sarah-Red,

I know what you are saying, I too go through and feel similar. Hormones help some, I just take one day at a time.

And Linde...When you gave Sarah-Red the big hugs, I just wanted to cry.  It seems whenever I get a hug it starts up the tears. My intuition tells me there is more to be revealed in my journey.

Hugs to you all,
Katie76

*Big Hug* Katie <3
We'll see what the journey reveals. We'll keep taking it one day at a time and see.

[Pammie]

*Big Hug* Katie <3
We'll see what the journey reveals. We'll keep taking it one day at a time and see.

That’s what most of us are doing I guess. I find before and after pics a wonderful boost (pre HRT to now)
The need to look as feminine as possible feels to me like an intrinsic part of transition but I know from this forum that’s not true for everyone. Some people are more relaxed and happy to just be themselves rather than overly focussing on well, “passing” I guess


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[chrisalex]

I feel like for more than half my life I've been emotionally suppressed, in some sense. (or repressed)

In this world, who isn't?

I've seen therapists, psychologists, and doctors, but they kind of never seemed to know how to help me.

Storybook. They live in theories and come from theories and take a superficial, two dimensional view on a highly multidimensional subject, the human being. But still they make good money that way.

I do think that in a sense we have to be our own therapists to some degree.

Absolutely.

Sometimes we can use some help too, and that's ok.

So human.

The most important is to be ourselves, and find what helps us, and to care about how we feel.

Perceiving our feelings, accepting, acknowledging them, responding to them, that's living, that's what life is about, actually. No?

... but I have trouble seeing my future, including as trans, but also just living itself, that there's some pretty heavy depression to deal with. I feel very emotionally hurt, and down, and hopeless.

I know the condition from own experience more than a decade ago. Although there wasn't much I could do about not seeing future images, I did a lot to keep going and find joy in life.

Not knowing the future is what keeps me up, and it being open is the thread that keeps me alive, thinking maybe there's a way.

There's always a way. 360° of choice. Where do you want to go?
Maybe not every route is easy. Not every route is downhill. Some routes might require alpinist skills. Some the skills of a swimmer. Though before you know what skills you need to learn you need to know where you're going.

Maybe I can be myself, maybe I can heal, maybe I can find love, maybe I can find passion, and find a reason to live.

There are many reasons to live. Always. Maybe pick a few and feed on the ones currently available?

SWIM would maybe recommend doing drugs for a living? (I wouldn't, of course)

I need something meaningful to keep me walking.

What about and maybe trans friendly parties (hosted by SWIM )?

I want to be happy.

Again, what about and maybe trans friendly parties?

Sent from my LG-H990 using Tapatalk

[Sarah-Red]

@chrisalex I just wanted to say that that was a great post. I was going to reply sooner but got away from it.

Perceiving our feelings, accepting, acknowledging them, responding to them, that's living, that's what life is about, actually. No?

Well, I agree, but most people don't know this I don't know if I'd call it living.. but living well, living with yourself and growing.. yes.

I know the condition from own experience more than a decade ago. Although there wasn't much I could do about not seeing future images, I did a lot to keep going and find joy in life.

That's good. What kept you going and finding joy?

There's always a way. 360° of choice. Where do you want to go?
Maybe not every route is easy. Not every route is downhill. Some routes might require alpinist skills. Some the skills of a swimmer. Though before you know what skills you need to learn you need to know where you're going.

That's an interesting way to look at it. I definitely think there's something to knowing where you want to go. Sometimes I feel pretty darn broken, and don't have confidence, and trying to build up skills feels like I'm just falling off the mountain constantly. But I'm trying to find better grip somehow..

There are many reasons to live. Always. Maybe pick a few and feed on the ones currently available?

That's a wise approach. Not much more I can say. Well, sometimes, or often, it doesn't feel like enough. I think I need a lot more to bring myself back. But yeah maybe there's something there, or for sure.

What about and maybe trans friendly parties (hosted by SWIM )?

Well when I saw this, it felt good, so in essence I would say there's probably definitely something I want to explore there. Not that I can for now. I have to put it in my heart for now.
-I don't know what SWIM is though.

Again, what about and maybe trans friendly parties?

Well there's a lot more to happiness. But I can't deny how much pull the feminine has on me and how I feel. I'll try to find a way, as well as open to other happiness as well. There should be quite a bit to life. I think :O

[chrisalex]

@chrisalex I just wanted to say that that was a great post. I was going to reply sooner but got away from it.

Thank you so much

That's good. What kept you going and finding joy?

Nature. Spending days outdoors in the green (respecting LNT rules, of course). And photography, hunting birds and butterflies, cows and bulls, and flowers.
I started to go for extensive walks that eventually developed into hikes. Usually I brought my camera.
With the camera I later took on the city, too, street photography that was.

Outdoor life I still find the best break from everyday city life. Real outdoor life I mean, like freecamping somewhere rather than spending fortunes for a holiday caged together with loads of average Janes and Joes in a hotel resort and guided tours in crowded buses, museums.

Photography I still love too, but nowadays I'm using mainly my smartphone. The DSLR equipment is heavy and bulky, and its resolution of 12MP is just not quite up to date anymore. But a new DSLR kit would simply be too expensive. I'm quite happy with my phone. Besides, instead of taking pictures, I've started to learn about plants, herbs, fungi and trees. I usually bring a small booklet with me on hikes to help identify what I see. That's as good as photography. Or maybe better.

There should be quite a bit to life. I think :O

Yay! Lipstick in all colours!



Sent from my LG-H990 using Tapatalk

[Sarah-Red]

Nature. Spending days outdoors in the green (respecting LNT rules, of course). And photography, hunting birds and butterflies, cows and bulls, and flowers.
I started to go for extensive walks that eventually developed into hikes. Usually I brought my camera.
With the camera I later took on the city, too, street photography that was.

Outdoor life I still find the best break from everyday city life. Real outdoor life I mean, like freecamping somewhere rather than spending fortunes for a holiday caged together with loads of average Janes and Joes in a hotel resort and guided tours in crowded buses, museums.

Photography I still love too, but nowadays I'm using mainly my smartphone. The DSLR equipment is heavy and bulky, and its resolution of 12MP is just not quite up to date anymore. But a new DSLR kit would simply be too expensive. I'm quite happy with my phone. Besides, instead of taking pictures, I've started to learn about plants, herbs, fungi and trees. I usually bring a small booklet with me on hikes to help identify what I see. That's as good as photography. Or maybe better.

Ok yeah, that's nice, what makes your heart feel good about stuff in life, I'd say. 

Yay! Lipstick in all colours!

Funnayy 

[Sarah-Red]

I'm not sure where to post, but I don't feel good about my body and this life right now.

What an awful x-mas it'd be if I were to end it all. I just don't see how I can be satisfied. Why can't it just be simpler?
Sorry to be a downer. Just tired of things not being or seeming as flexible as I want them to be..

[Linde]

I'm not sure where to post, but I don't feel good about my body and this life right now.

What an awful x-mas it'd be if I were to end it all. I just don't see how I can be satisfied. Why can't it just be simpler?
Sorry to be a downer. Just tired of things not being or seeming as flexible as I want them to be..

Just consider your current body as a pretty decent vessel that brings you to a better life nand a better self!  It is darn hard to find any other vessel that suits you better for this voyage.  If you would be satisfied, the journey would be over, and i don't think that you feel you reached your destination.  Any crossing of an ocean harboring all kinds of monsters is not a simple voyage, but think about the arrival at the other side!
I am there, and looking back I can see that my journey was pretty miserable, but I am reaching the point that I remember only the nice and pleasant events of said journey.  You will get to this side, too.  Just be patient and keep on rowing not to lose momentum!  You can do it, all of us who arrived did it, no reason why you could not arrive either!

Happy rowing!
Linde

[Sarah-Red]

Thanks.. it's not a bad view. but I don't feel like it's enough. I feel like even if I get some small satisfactions eventually in the future, it's just too much turmoil and not worth it because I want something different. And I don't even know how I can even just live. How to be reborn..