Author Topic: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals  (Read 29672 times)

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Peggiann

Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« on: February 28, 2006, 10:40:30 am »
A FAQ for the Significant Others (SO's) of Transsexuals.

Q) What is a Transsexual?

A) A transsexual (sometimes transexual) (TS) person is born with a permanent identity with the opposite gender to their assigned (usually at birth) sex. Transsexual men and women make or desire to make a transition from their birth sex to that of the opposite sex, with some type of medical alteration (gender reassignment therapy) to their body. The stereotypical explanation is of a "woman trapped in a man's body" or vice versa, although many in the transsexual community reject this formulation. For the exact wording of formal medical definitions, see gender identity disorder.

Q) When did it start?

A) For most it started at birth. Indeed, some remember their first thoughts were that something was wrong and that they were the opposite gender of what they were perceived to be. Some suppress it until much later in life.

Q) So why wasn't the problem dealt with then?

A) Should a child voice their distress with being brought up in the wrong gender, parents didn't believe them or dismissed it as a phase they would grow out of. Some may have believed that forcing a boy to be more masculine and a girl to be more feminine would solve the problem. This would often force the child's feelings into hiding.

Q) What is life like for a transsexual child?

Being forced to be something you are not is cruel, and it may lead to trouble in school and in social situations because they do not identify with their peers. It can foster low self esteem, bullying, name calling and withdrawal. Some may not even have friends of the same gender. Children who find themselves in this situation may start acting like their peers, just to protect themselves. Its either that or ostracism. So blending into their assigned roles is an act that can last a lifetime.

Q) What are the effects in Puberty?

A) Puberty can pure hell for the transsexual and serious problems can begin as their bodies mature with the wrong secondary sexual characteristics. Imagine how an MTF feels as her body grows hair and muscle mass. Normal erections become both confusing and even terrifying. Imagine a FTM who starts his period and is revisited every 28 days. Imagine growing breasts instead of muscle. Some parents may have no idea that their TS children live a daily nightmare that can lead to some becoming dangerously suicidal.

Even at this stage teens rarely tell their parents because they don't think their parents will understand. Parents give off many hints about how they feel about what they consider to be normal in their community. If they would not accept a son as gay would they accept him as a Transsexual? Many schools do not have safe guards in place to protect those who are TS.  Many also know that their peers would never accept them as TS. The only option is to stay in the closet where its emotionally dangerous and physically safe.

Q) Is there sex involved.

A) Being Transsexual is about Gender not about Sex. Sexual Orientation has nothing to do with gender.

Q) What can be done.

A) The first step is to seek therapy with a  Therapist who specializes in these gender issues. This may result in the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (GID) in which case a  recommendation for Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS/SRS), and Real Life Test (RLT), may be made.

Q) We're very close. Why didn't he/she tell me before we were married?

A) Some Transsexuals either suppressed it or kept it at bay with sheer will power. Some hope that the right partner will make a difference. Eventually though it breaks free. Many have described it as a spiritual awakening and others as an out of body experience. Once this happens the path for the TS becomes clear and some will not be deterred.

Transsexualism is a severe test for a marriage. While some survive many do not.

Q) What happens if a Transsexual does not have surgery?

A) Almost every transsexual is different and for some the surgery is not essential, and for others it is.  Surgery does not make the person who they are.  For some surgery is an impossible dream due to medical, financial or even physical reasons and because of this some can report having had suicidal thoughts or attempts at some point in their lives.  However there is no proof of numbers.

Q) Is he/she Gay?

A) A person who is transsexual is not necessarily gay or lesbian, but they can be.  A female born male who is attracted to males would be heterosexual, and visa versa.  However there is still much debate on this and its difficult to say before hormones and surgery.

Q) Can I make him stop being Transsexual?

A) No!

Q) So what can I do?

A) Communicate with them, share and support them, become educated on this, seek help from support groups such as this, establish a support network, be honest and upfront, and never say never.  Just to start.

[edit]With kind permission from Peggiann - Steph[/edit]
« Last Edit: March 01, 2006, 08:36:20 pm by Stephanie Craxford »

Offline Sarah Louise

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Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2006, 11:44:31 am »
Very interesting Peggiann.

Sarah
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Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"

angelsgirl

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2006, 03:18:03 pm »
Is that really true about the sexual orientation?  I'm actually really worried about that!

gina_taylor

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2006, 04:13:15 pm »
Very Interesting e-mail Peggiann. I agree with alot that is written there. However, there is one part that I must ponder:

Is he/she Gay?

A) Its difficult to say before hormones and surgery. The mind and body are not one yet. Most transsexuals are not interseted in gay sex. After surgery many will be hetrosexual in their new gender while others will not change their orientation.


Now I know that some may agrue with me, but this is only my opinion. Homosexuality is also an inborn thing and sometimes transsexuality and homosexuality is present in some people. For some many years I honestly thought that I was a homosexual, because of the fact that I'm a man who is a transsexual who prefers men, but recently I just discovered (thanks to the help of a very good female friend) that I am actually bisexual.  :)

Gina  :)

Chaunte

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2006, 10:50:19 pm »
Very Interesting e-mail Peggiann. I agree with alot that is written there. However, there is one part that I must ponder:

Is he/she Gay?

A) Its difficult to say before hormones and surgery. The mind and body are not one yet. Most transsexuals are not interseted in gay sex. After surgery many will be hetrosexual in their new gender while others will not change their orientation.


Now I know that some may agrue with me, but this is only my opinion. Homosexuality is also an inborn thing and sometimes transsexuality and homosexuality is present in some people. For some many years I honestly thought that I was a homosexual, because of the fact that I'm a man who is a transsexual who prefers men, but recently I just discovered (thanks to the help of a very good female friend) that I am actually bisexual.  :)

Gina  :)


An article posted yesterday on Yahoo News indicates that sexual orientation may be genetic after all.  I believe that with further study, we will find that the entire range of transgenderism will also be found to be genetic.

All the more proof that the spouse is not to blame!!!!

Chaunte

angelsgirl

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2006, 12:44:40 pm »
That's nice to hear, Chaunte.  It's sad that the transgendered spouse gets blamed for their condition.  As for the genetic thing itself, I have a condition where my body (female) produces too much male hormone (everyone has both male and female hormones floating around their bodies) and I've always wondered if that was what made me bisexual because I have constant high levels of both estrogen and testosterone (as I like to say I have "testrogen problems")  Maybe that's not the case at all, and maybe that won't be the case when Jocelyn gets on hormones.  I guess only time will tell.

gina_taylor

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2006, 03:18:35 pm »
Interesting comment Angelsgirl about the fact that the body produces female and male hormones. I have actually read that when we are first concieved in the womb we are all female until a splurge of hormones comes rushing through and then it decides what gender (or sex) we are going to be. But when we are born some nine months later, there still is some female hormones (or estrogen)rushing through our bodies and it's actually our testosterone that is killing it off. But for us being bisexual that is just part of our sexual orientation.  I don't feel ashamed of being bisexual, and you shouldn't either. It's just a part of our personal makeup.  ;)

Gina

melissa_girl

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2006, 05:17:58 pm »
A small amount of Estrogen and Testosterone are produced by the adrenal glands (located near the kidneys).  Your gonadotropins (gonads) produce the largest amount of testosterone or estrogen depending on whether they are testicles or ovaries.  That is why both genetic females and males produce both hormones even after an orchiectomy or menopause.

Melissa

gina_taylor

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2006, 08:43:35 am »
This may be a little bit off, but two days ago I received the reults from my ultrasound that I had done on my kidney, and there were no red flags, so I will be talking with my psychitrist in two weeks about starting me on HRT.

Gina :)

rana

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2006, 06:36:40 am »
Hi gina :)
That is true - female is the default state of humanity - thats how we ALL start out

I have read that there are higher levels of estrogen circulating in the bodies of young men than in the bodies of post menopausal women.  In fact if there was no estrogen it would prevent it would prevent them from being male, sterility & impotence would be the least of their worries.

Highlights the fact that the interplay oh hormones in our bodies is a subtle and far reaching

rana

angelsgirl

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2006, 01:50:15 pm »
Hiya Gina!
Sorry it took me so long to get back on here (couldn't make it to the comp lab on the days I was working)
Anywho...thanks for the support, although I'm NOT ashamed to be bi, I'm just curious as to the origins of my sexuality and sexuality in general.  I don't want to say that hormones are responsible for all traits but I personally notice that I am more sexually aggressive when I'm not on my birth control pills (it's being used to keep my condition under control, because mine isn't bad enough for anti-androgen pills or the HRT given to menopausal women).  When I'm on the pill, well, um...I'm kinda moody in that I feel my emotions more intensely, or maybe I'm just pay more attention to them because I'm now less preoccupied with sex (but only a little less preoccuppied!  :))  I know that the slight physical changes I experience are due to the pill, but I wonder if some of the mental changes are caused by it as well or if it's just a placebo effect.  Do any of you TS girls experience this when you go on hormones or is it just me?  Can I expect this sort of thing when my TS girl goes on hormones?  That could be more than I can bear 'cause she's already a smoosh (j/k! Love you, baby! ;))  And in case I'm not already waaaaayyyy off topic, congratulations Gina on getting the green light for HRT!  Hope it works well for you!

~angelsgirl (Kelly)

gina_taylor

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2006, 05:09:27 pm »
Thanks Kelly for your hearfelt words of encouragement.  :)

Just off hand everybody has different hormone levels, and it could be that when you take the birth control pills they do lessen your hormon reaction and that could be why you're less preoccupied with sex, where as when you're not on your birth control pills you find that more sexually aggresive.

Thanks for your  congratulations on me getting the green light for HRT! 

Gina

stephanie_craxford

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2006, 05:40:18 pm »
I would just like to remind everyone that this is the Significant Others Forum,  and that this forum is primarily intended as a place where Significant others can go in order to seek support from each other. While postings by the transgendered are not generally blocked it is requested that as much as possible you respect this as a seperate area for them.

Steph

polrber

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2007, 02:42:55 pm »
Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum and need some advice. I was introduced to my partner as a female and after a month, she has told me that she is transgendered F2M. We have discussed several concerns and fears such as how the family will react, the job situation, if i will leave once the transition is complete. I have already started referring to her as a he or him and have started using his name that he wants to go by. What else can I do to comfort him as he's going through alot of different feelings and emotions?  And he's also worried that once he starts taking T that the sex drive will diminish and he will not be able to satisfy me. I've told him that I will be by his side through every step of the transition.  I feel a little lost in what else i can do.  Any advice would be great.  Thanks.

candie

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2007, 09:16:57 am »
Is he/she Gay?

A) A person who is transsexual is not necessarily gay or lesbian, but they can be.  A female born male who is attracted to males would be heterosexual, and visa versa.  However there is still much debate on this and its difficult to say before hormones and surgery.


So the, "it's difficult to say before hormones and surgery." Is that ... as if to say, not until they've undergone the hormones and therapy do they know for sure? Isn't that a bit of a scary thought for those in relationships with them?

ltg331

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2007, 11:42:08 am »
hello all, i am new to this site, today actually. i am not trans gendered myself, but i am in love w a a MtF. I will say the name S. I am here bc i guess i just wanted to talk to others who can relate to my insecurities n concerns. i feel like i have lost my lover. me n S have been on n off for almost 1 yr. S has always told me about wanting to b a girl. n for the most part, i was  ok w it. Especially now, since S seems really anxious about it. my problem is that i c my lover going thru self destructive scenarios right now. We r very different ppl in how we think n grew up. I grew up in a loving home, where S didnt.  S identified himself as a gay boy for a long time, n a straight girl. I identified myself as a lesbian, never really interested in boys much. But some how we met n fell in love fast. S is now trying to come up w ways of making $ so S can continue  life as a woman. but somehow, I am not involved in it. S is doing illegal things. I want my lover to know that not everything has to be done that way. that there r ways to make $ n be accepted legally n be proud of it. S obviously feels like hes his own worse enemy...n i cant help S, mostly cuz S wont let me n i dont have the $ or resources he needs. S is my life, my soul, n i feel pain bc of this. i want S to know that there is a good ending to this, n it can be done w good ppl.

kristinrichann

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2008, 06:09:21 am »
This is from both me and my spouse    who we both reconise as my sister and yes we dont have sex
we are just that sisters   this is a imbearsing situation for her and she may feel like she doesnt want to burden you with her nightmairs  we both know that because we were there at one time   she does need to totaly let you in and you both need to be honest with each other   this can be a learning experience for the both of you  not to mention the strength that you both will develop from this     and as for the other she needs to relise just how important this is for her and not take chances with the law if she gets busted that is another nightmair by its self    I know first hand about that and it is something that she doesnt wants to experience  the first question I have to ask is she and you in counseling   this is a important part of healing  if she is   is she being totaly honest with her counsler let alone herself  and as for you  you need to be cairfull because by the law you can get into trouble just as much as she can playing the game with the law  its not right but they look at it as accesory before and after the fact
check with any att and they will tell you the same  please both of you be cairfull   
the both of us

BariChef1976

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2011, 01:09:32 am »
Thank you for compiling this!  I had to do my own research to find all of this out, lol!!  I blogged on my place as the partner of a trans woman a few months back after I kept getting nasty little comments about how I'm "no longer a lesbian" or "how can you be with someone that has a penis, you hate penises"....Ugh.

Here's my piece:  http://lezabug.blogspot.com/2011/07/coming-outagainsorta.html

I am here to learn as well...and I appreciate all the folks here that are so responsive!!

LanaJohn

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #18 on: January 22, 2012, 11:44:34 pm »
Interesting comment Angelsgirl about the fact that the body produces female and male hormones. I have actually read that when we are first conceived in the womb we are all female until a splurge of hormones comes rushing through and then it decides what gender (or sex) we are going to be. But when we are born some nine months later, there still is some female hormones (or estrogen)rushing through our bodies and it's actually our testosterone that is killing it off. But for us being bisexual that is just part of our sexual orientation.  I don't feel ashamed of being bisexual, and you shouldn't either. It's just a part of our personal makeup.  ;)

Gina


My understanding is that because we start out in the mother we start out as XX genes, female but not really. The introduction of the XY from daddy carries genes, the Y, that cause the masculinization. HOWEVER, some studies are suggesting that stress during the 5 week old fetus' development when the testis develop and begin producing testosterone, causes incomplete masculinization of the brain, remaining feminine, while the body continues to develop as male.  Lucky us. NOW. Whether or not that is the exact explanation or not, apparently there is enough support to make it plausible. Yes. Males DO produce small amounts of Estrogen, it's all about balance in the body. Transgenderism does not cause homosexuality, or vice versa. It is my belief that we are just as likely to choose one sex or the other just like Cis-gender (not trans) persons. Hope this helps. Hugs, LanaB

LanaJohn

Re: Understanding for SO's Spouses of Transsexuals
« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2012, 12:21:01 am »
So the, "it's difficult to say before hormones and surgery." Is that ... as if to say, not until they've undergone the hormones and therapy do they know for sure? Isn't that a bit of a scary thought for those in relationships with them?

Here's how it seems to be working for me... As my male born persona, I have never even looked at males as attractive. In the past year I have come to understand a lot more of what is going on in my head and in my body. I still do not see males as an object of attraction.  In my head, I do wonder about it sometimes but I don't see myself ever looking to pursue that curiousness. I do recognize there is a certain allure to a tight male body but Females have been and always will be the greatest attraction to me. I also believe there are perhaps millions of heterosexual men that aren't happy with their own body that have seen a fit muscled guy on TV and found it more attractive than their own. Doesn't make them gay. My male persona, the best I can tell is heterosexual. I am married 17 years now with a two year old daughter but I came to understand my TGism after I was already married. If by some twist of fate I am able to transition completely someday, females would remain the object of my affection. A term describing this (perhaps jokingly) recently came to my attention: Transbian.  But given my correct body, you can bet I would be looking into the opposite sex, making me Bi. Hope this helps. Hugs, LanaB

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