Author Topic: White Rabbit's ramblings  (Read 3443 times)

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Offline Julie H

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White Rabbit's ramblings
« on: December 10, 2019, 11:20:36 pm »
I just wanted a place to vocalize my thoughts, feel free to respond or ignore as you will.



Once I started hrt I felt much better and no longer wished to transition. I asked my endo to reduce my E dosage. Now that I am on the new dose I am feeling icky and more depressed I am hoping that my doctor will be able to raise the dose back up on my Monday appointment. I was hoping that the reduced dosage wouldn't negatively affect my emotions but I fear that I was wrong. Right now my biggest fear is that it will take months to get back to a comfortable dose.

Sorry for all who read this I suspect that my posts here will be random and disjointed thoughts that just happen to pop into my mind. 
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2019, 11:39:20 pm »
Bleh I fired off an email to my endo but I am not sure if it got through, more time wasted. Hopefully my doctor can increase my dose. I can hardly wait for January the 8th when I finally get to talk to a social worker.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2019, 12:21:02 am »
That's too bad, but don't give up (or be patient?) Try to make the best of what you have, but maybe it'll go through faster than you think, you never know :)

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2019, 09:29:41 am »
Thank you. I am hoping that yesterday was just a bad day. I just started the lower dose prescription and yesterday was fairly rough. Not as bad as before but not where I wanted to be. I was probably thinking too much about when I nearly attempted suicide and got depressed about how close I came to trying. I'll have to wait out these next few days and see how I feel then talk to my doctor about it.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2019, 03:31:08 pm »
I got a response from my endo and will be going back to my normal dose after I talk to my doctor monday.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2019, 03:43:53 pm »
One good thing about surviving being ready to attempt suicide. Now when I tell people that things really can get better I am living proof.

If you are reading this and you are thinking that life isn't worth living, I just want you to know that as long as you are alive things can get better and to try to find help.



Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2019, 11:23:51 pm »
My doctor called in sick today so my appointment got moved back to Jan 2. The good thing is that it gives me time to get acclimatized to my new prescription and allow me time to figure out which level of estrogen I switch to.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2019, 12:49:03 pm »
I'm glad you're able to see the positive Julie. and it's not that far away after x-mas at least :)
I hope things continue getting better n all.

In my case I'm really in between depression and trying to have hope. I'm trying to calm down so that I can process some things and do things at a good pace. I just can't jump into anything yet. My hormones are doing fine, I started laser treatment, there's not much else I can do else further because I'm not ready to come out or present more female. Trying to find little things though.

But the most important is believing in our life, and doing what we can but being happy as we can. Not always easy, but I do think it's part of what makes sense.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2019, 02:06:04 pm »
Like I say things can get better. Antidepressants just make things worse for me I had a psychiatrist throw me out of his office for being too strange I had a crisis worker basically call me selfish for not thinking about how the woman that triggered my suicidal feelings felt.
These happened many years ago but I lost all trust with the mental health field. The only hope I had was that I would die soon I really thought that I had no where to turn but hrt changed everything for me. I might be freaking out a bit on the lower dose but I have a couple of more weeks to determine if I should go back to my original dosage.

With life comes hope and only in death comes hopelessness. Sometimes the mind tricks people into forgetting that.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2019, 03:47:50 pm »
Emotions aren't always easy that's for sure.

I've been thinking about whether or not I should try anti-depressants. I've been on hormones for a few months now so I should be stable enough there to be able to tell the difference or not. I'm still not sure, but I'm pretty tired of feeling depressed. I'll think about it. I don't have that much trust in some of the medical fields myself, but sometimes it does work.  Depends on a lot of factors. We still have to find our own way too.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2019, 06:17:22 pm »
I had a rough time under antidepressants and back then they wouldn't let me off of them for over 3 years (changing types every 6 months). This is me though I don't discourage people from trying to find help through antidepressants as they do help so many people. Just remember to be ready to stand your ground if you need to. I was pretty young so I didn't stand up for myself.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2019, 06:22:26 pm »
Nothing to worry about. I'm very much in charge of my own decisions on any of that. If they wouldn't help, I'd drop them. I just haven't decided if I want to or not yet. But I'll talk about it with my psychologist too. He doesn't push anything like that on people, so it should be fine to talk about it.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2019, 02:23:18 pm »
Wishing the best to our Australian brothers and sisters going through a terrible fire season again.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2019, 09:51:51 am »
Might be a few hours early but Merry Christmas to everyone I wish you all a wonderful time.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2019, 12:12:01 pm »
Merry Christmas Julie :)

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2020, 04:40:02 pm »
Happy New Years all.



I talked to my doctor today and she was quite happy to boost my estrogen dosage back to the starting dose.
Next Wednesday I get to talk to a social worker from Camh, hopefully it will be more then me talking about my distrust of the mental health field.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2020, 04:44:04 pm »
That's good news Julie :) You can get back to the dose you were happy with before.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2020, 05:12:20 pm »
Thank you. 
Hopefully it stabilizes my mood again.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #18 on: January 09, 2020, 09:03:04 am »
So yesterday I had an appointment with a camh social worker as a preamble for my appointment with a psychiatrist. I was in the washroom and this older gentleman walked in and looked at me and seemed to be confused if he was in the correct bathroom. Except for long hair I look nothing like anything but an ugly male.

As for the appointment itself it seemed to be a bit disappointing I the impression that camh is more just a place to get assessments and perhaps later on letters. My endo wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I wanted to see a therapist.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2020, 02:35:19 pm »
Some people wonder why I am taking medications for anxiety. I don't deal well with drama and my neighbor who just got back from her Christmas holidays and within 2 days the police were pounding on her door.
Julie

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