Author Topic: White Rabbit's ramblings  (Read 3444 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2020, 03:24:05 pm »
Bleh

I might have messed up with my little experiment. I am not sure if my mood is bad because I screwed around with reducing my medication (under endo supervision) or if it is just a 3 month cycle I have to live through.
I would get really depressed with suicidal idealization for about 3 months every year the rest of the time I was just generally depressed. When I started estrogen it helped my mood considerably but now it doesn't seem to be working as well and it all started when I reduced my estrogen dose. December is usually when my mood would go south so it could just be that time.

Right now if it is when my mood turned south for the cycle then estrogen is working even if it doesn't feel like it.
Julie

Offline Lucy5

  • *
  • Posts: 64
  • Reputation: +5/-0
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #21 on: January 14, 2020, 04:12:31 pm »
Bleh

I might have messed up with my little experiment. I am not sure if my mood is bad because I screwed around with reducing my medication (under endo supervision) or if it is just a 3 month cycle I have to live through.
I would get really depressed with suicidal idealization for about 3 months every year the rest of the time I was just generally depressed. When I started estrogen it helped my mood considerably but now it doesn't seem to be working as well and it all started when I reduced my estrogen dose. December is usually when my mood would go south so it could just be that time.

Right now if it is when my mood turned south for the cycle then estrogen is working even if it doesn't feel like it.

Have you talked to you therapist/doctor about the regularity of the timing of that cycle? Seasonal Affective Disorder can be pretty serious but I've heard there are ways to at least mitigate it, and the timing you describe is right in line with that...

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #22 on: January 14, 2020, 04:53:18 pm »
Last year it started in March and didn't end until June. It could still be sad but I was also dealing with loosing my apartment in a fire. February was a stressful month and I got my new apartment in march.
It used to happen at different times of the year 1 year it started in may/June (that was a while ago).

I will maybe talk to my doctor about it but I should hopefully be over it by the time I get to see her again.

Thank you for the sugestion.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2020, 11:25:42 pm »
Boy did I make a mistake today

I am fairly passive and sometimes suffer from anxiety. I used to help out at a comic store and I hated it, I don't know why but I couldn't leave on my own. Last year the store burned to the ground so I was finally free and I didn't have to deal with that bs again. My former boss asked me to get the phone number for an ex customer who I absolutely hated. He now lives across the street from me and knows where I live. When I asked for his phone number so my former boss could ask him about hockey cards he said that he would just drop over any that he had.
This means that any time he has extra hockey cards he feels that he will have an open invite to come and "visit"

I have a huge privacy issue and I don't even let my friends into my apartment but this idiot will insist on inspecting my apartment as he wants to move into my building. Not only will I have to give up wearing skirts at home for the foreseeable future but I will have to sanitize my apartment as I am still in the closet. This is a guy who likes to walk over anybody he can.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2020, 07:57:27 am »
Well I thought I didn't like chocolate much anymore but as it turns out I just don't like cheap chocolate. Lindor chocolates are divine.
Julie

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 28,784
  • Reputation: +37/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2020, 11:44:02 am »
Well I thought I didn't like chocolate much anymore but as it turns out I just don't like cheap chocolate. Lindor chocolates are divine.
@Julie H
I am enjoying your "journal" thread.   It is always nice to read of others journeys, their experiences, thoughts and life-goings-on.

I don't like the cheap gritty and waxy chocolate either.... but I sometimes grow tired of the fancy Swiss and Belgian chocolate and just enjoy a domestic Hershey Bar, with almonds is my favorite.   Add to my list of favorites are Snickers, Kit Kats, and Heath Bars....
Also Russel Stover's and See's Candy are my favorite boxed chocolates....   nut chews usually are my choice.

Please keep your updates coming and sharing your thoughts with me and the rest of your followers of your thread/blog.

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #26 on: January 18, 2020, 01:17:55 pm »
Hugs. Mostly this journal is a record of my descent into madness. :laugh:
But thank you for your kind words.

Most of my friends seem to be transphobic so I am keeping them in the dark as long as I can. They might come around but I am not hopeful most likely my feelings will be dismissed. I mentioned to my main friend last night about social anxiety that I get and that was dismissed. Don't get me wrong if it is something that they can understand then they are great. My friend from last night gave me a place to stay when my apartment burned down and I likely could have stayed longer but I have privacy issues.

I don't have a therapist yet and I am not sure what is going to happen with camh whether I get a councilor or not so I use this journal to vent and get stuff out of my system. Maybe I should try to write more when I am feeling positive as this is getting pretty negative.

Even though I often write negative things over all I am actually doing better on hrt then before. In august I am eligible to get my letter/s for an orchi. I have to think hard my main reason for getting an orchi is it can't be taken away from me. Also I am uncomfortable presenting as female and socially I plan on presenting as male or at least as long as possible. This means that I am unlikely to do the 1 year rle which means no bottom surgery for me so I will have to accept a less then perfect alternative. Honestly the main reason that I am hesitant is that I have no one to pick me up when I am discharged from the hospital.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2020, 11:06:56 pm »
Hmm I wonder if it just me or if my nose actually is getting a bit smaller. I used to hate the width of my nose but now it seems ok.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #28 on: January 21, 2020, 10:15:40 am »
Sigh I am getting confused again.

Once again I am feeling lost, I know that I want bottom surgery and that part of my asexuality comes from hating my own genitals. The problem is I don't want to socially transition, heck while on hormones I am glad to not have noticeable breasts. Also while on hormones I can accept that I will likely never ever get bottom surgery as I am unwilling to do the 1 year RLE, I am not happy about it but I can live with it.

Hormones greatly reduces my dysphoria and feelings of being trans decrease significantly.

I don't feel right saying that I am a woman because I intend on presenting as male for as long as I can. I can't call myself male because of genital dysphoria. I am not sure that non binary fits either but it is the closest I can find.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #29 on: January 21, 2020, 10:22:14 am »
Ugh never forget that it is estrogen in your cheek
Julie

Offline Lucy5

  • *
  • Posts: 64
  • Reputation: +5/-0
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2020, 01:04:47 pm »
Sigh I am getting confused again.

Once again I am feeling lost, I know that I want bottom surgery and that part of my asexuality comes from hating my own genitals. The problem is I don't want to socially transition, heck while on hormones I am glad to not have noticeable breasts. Also while on hormones I can accept that I will likely never ever get bottom surgery as I am unwilling to do the 1 year RLE, I am not happy about it but I can live with it.

Hormones greatly reduces my dysphoria and feelings of being trans decrease significantly.

I don't feel right saying that I am a woman because I intend on presenting as male for as long as I can. I can't call myself male because of genital dysphoria. I am not sure that non binary fits either but it is the closest I can find.
There are a lot of social advantages to presenting as male, especially if your social environment is unlikely to be very accepting of gender transition. Do different doctors have different requirements for GRS? I know presenting as target gender is required for most, but would presenting as androgynous and being on HRT for a length of time be acceptable for some? Might take a fair bit of searching and may not be viable for a variety of reasons, but I would bet there are surgeons out there who would work with you.

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2020, 03:39:19 pm »
I think that most doctors follow the wpath guidelines which requires 1 year rle. I can understand why they want that rule to make sure that people are ready for the surgery and not be something they regret. It is a catch all rule that if you don't follow norms you can get left out in the cold. I don't mind an effort to make sure that I am serious about getting a labiaplasty before I am able to but going 1 year rle means having to something that I will regret. What's between my legs is between me, my doctors and the TSA but being forced out of the closet is for everyone to see.

I am coming up to 52 years old and I have only learned how to be a "man". I have a fairly deep voice with no resources but youtube videos to try to learn how to talk correctly. I have the habits of a male without any real help on learning correct habits. There are things that I can work on like losing a lot of weight but I doubt I will ever look like anything but a man in a dress. Sometimes I get people that actually gender me correctly but they are usually quick to correct themselves. This is due to my long hair although this one elderly gentleman probably still thinks that I was in the wrong washroom.

I will likely never be seen as anything but male and I can live with that (though I hate my full given name). I won't give up on hoping to find a surgeon that doesn't need letters or that they make addendums to the rules so that people like me can find hoops that we can jump through.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2020, 03:42:10 pm »
After 6 months I don't know if my face is having some small changes or that my dysmorphia is lessening. I don't hate looking to the mirror as much as I used to.
Julie

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2020, 04:09:29 pm »
There are a lot of social advantages to presenting as male, especially if your social environment is unlikely to be very accepting of gender transition. Do different doctors have different requirements for GRS? I know presenting as target gender is required for most, but would presenting as androgynous and being on HRT for a length of time be acceptable for some? Might take a fair bit of searching and may not be viable for a variety of reasons, but I would bet there are surgeons out there who would work with you.

Also thanks for trying to keep my spirits up  :)
Julie

Offline AnneK

  • *
  • Posts: 2,321
  • Reputation: +6/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2020, 03:18:57 pm »
Is this your song?   ;)
I'm a 66 year old male who has been thinking about SRS for many years.  I also was a  full cross dresser for a few years.  I wear a bra, pantyhose and nail polish daily because it just feels right.

Started HRT April 17, 2019.

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2020, 03:52:07 pm »
I was actually listening to this song when I made my account. I recently changed my name to Julie.
Julie

Offline Lucy5

  • *
  • Posts: 64
  • Reputation: +5/-0
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #36 on: January 23, 2020, 03:36:18 pm »
I think that most doctors follow the wpath guidelines which requires 1 year rle. I can understand why they want that rule to make sure that people are ready for the surgery and not be something they regret. It is a catch all rule that if you don't follow norms you can get left out in the cold. I don't mind an effort to make sure that I am serious about getting a labiaplasty before I am able to but going 1 year rle means having to something that I will regret. What's between my legs is between me, my doctors and the TSA but being forced out of the closet is for everyone to see.

I will likely never be seen as anything but male and I can live with that (though I hate my full given name). I won't give up on hoping to find a surgeon that doesn't need letters or that they make addendums to the rules so that people like me can find hoops that we can jump through.
The letters may actually be your saving grace if you can find a good therapist/psychologist. With enough discussion they may come to see your need and write the letter for you as WPATH are guidelines but part of the point of a professional is to be able to look at the guidelines and understand that not everyone will fit them perfectly.

I wish you the best of luck finding a good therapist/psychologist, I just got into one myself after 2-3 months on the waitlist, now just waiting for my partner to make it off the waitlist to help get her to the point she can handle me starting HRT.

I was actually listening to this song when I made my account. I recently changed my name to Julie.

It's one of my favorite songs, actually used the version with the extended recorder intro as the entrance music for our wedding ;-}

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #37 on: January 23, 2020, 04:51:49 pm »
Thank you. I go to see a female psychiatrist from Camh in Toronto I am hoping she might be willing to bend on the guidelines a bit. Though ohip (the provincial healthcare) also has the same requirement and they won't budge. So I have to find a therapist and likely a psychiatrist to sign the letters then come up with the funding and loose a lot of weight then I am all set :)

Like I say I hope that my visit to the psychiatrist in April or May will prove helpful. If it is then I better damn well get off of my butt and loose the weight and try to figure out the funding. Maybe a new government will relax the rules a bit we will have to see. Until that point I will just have to learn to love an orchi as they don't require rle for an orchi :)

Edit: Good Luck with your therapist/psychologist appointment's I hope they go well.
Julie

Offline Lucy5

  • *
  • Posts: 64
  • Reputation: +5/-0
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #38 on: January 24, 2020, 02:12:39 pm »
Thank you. I go to see a female psychiatrist from Camh in Toronto I am hoping she might be willing to bend on the guidelines a bit. Though ohip (the provincial healthcare) also has the same requirement and they won't budge. So I have to find a therapist and likely a psychiatrist to sign the letters then come up with the funding and loose a lot of weight then I am all set :)

Like I say I hope that my visit to the psychiatrist in April or May will prove helpful. If it is then I better damn well get off of my butt and loose the weight and try to figure out the funding. Maybe a new government will relax the rules a bit we will have to see. Until that point I will just have to learn to love an orchi as they don't require rle for an orchi :)

Edit: Good Luck with your therapist/psychologist appointment's I hope they go well.

Ahh, yea insurance is a whole other ball of wax beyond finding doctors who will work you. As near as I can tell in the world of insurance, public or private, there is no such thing as a guideline, only hard fast rules. Good luck with the psychiatrist though!

Offline Julie H

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,601
  • Reputation: +33/-0
  • Gender: Queer
  • Formerly known as White Rabbit
Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #39 on: January 24, 2020, 10:53:55 pm »
Thank you :)
Julie

Tags: