Author Topic: Accepting yourself  (Read 708 times)

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Offline Oliviassecret2019

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Accepting yourself
« on: December 10, 2019, 07:35:37 pm »
Hey ladies.

I'm having trouble accepting myself as transgender. I can admit it to myself but there is still some part of my brain that is trying to cling onto masculinity. Some part ofy brain still tries to tell me that I am some big tough man, and this creates a lot of shame. Does anyone have any advice?

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2019, 08:11:01 pm »
Hey ladies.

I'm having trouble accepting myself as transgender. I can admit it to myself but there is still some part of my brain that is trying to cling onto masculinity. Some part ofy brain still tries to tell me that I am some big tough man, and this creates a lot of shame. Does anyone have any advice?

I suggest talking with a gender therapist.  I think that would help bring more clarity to your situation. 

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2019, 08:29:12 pm »
Olivia, one word comes to mind:   T I M E

I remember I couldn't look myself in the mirror for the longest time. Accepting ourselves is a major hurdle. We are our own worst critics and this is no exception. When I was faced with a similar mental debacle I'd always tell myself "If you come back to the same conclusion over and over, it must be true"

I should have listened to myself back in the late 1980's!  Well here I am, now 51 years old and FINALLY starting to live!

Sometimes our minds cling to things. We often do not have control what that might be. I still have self doubt to this day. I don't let it control me or get the best of me. I allow myself enough [mental] space to let the doubt work itself out, eventually it does and I can go about my day or evening.

That's what I do in situations like this. Let it work itself out. If your inner psyche continues to "hold on" to masculine traits or parts of your life, then, by all means, contact a gender therapist like ChrissyRyan said.

HUGS

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 time for a change....
2-21-2019 Started HRT
2-21-2020 One year HRT
2-21-2021 Two years HRT

Offline Rakel

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2019, 10:55:00 pm »
... Does anyone have any advice?

I held on for over 50 years, then I lost my grip. A person does what a person must do.

Actually, I was hoping that time would run out before I finally accepted myself. I did not accept myself as transgender. I accepted myself as me. This is what I am. All my changes were on the outside. I was the same on the inside. That never changed.

For myself, I hung on as long as I could. Then when there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that certain changes needed to be made and that I could accept the negative consequences, that is when I decided to transition. I only regret not doing this years ago.




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Offline Sinclair

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2019, 07:41:18 pm »
Shame comes from one's perceptions of how society views your feelings and desires. It's time to be bold and explore those aspects of yourself. For me, I only feel shame when I filter my thoughts and desires based on what I think other people will think of me. Screw that. My shame is that I didn't start this process even sooner.  :icon_chick:

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2019, 08:51:10 pm »
Hey ladies.

I'm having trouble accepting myself as transgender. I can admit it to myself but there is still some part of my brain that is trying to cling onto masculinity. Some part ofy brain still tries to tell me that I am some big tough man, and this creates a lot of shame. Does anyone have any advice?
Try to get in your head that acceptance is not a one day decision that you make and from then on, shame and guilt are gone. It is a process that takes time. It is a path where you discover new things about yourself and you let go of old things. I'm transitioned 3 1/2 years full time now. I still hit times or items where I butt up against the old thoughts. Don't expect it with a snap of your fingers.
If you want to actively work to gain self acceptance, you have to open yourself up to becoming more vulnerable. That is key. After all, accepting yourself as trans means you also give up your old self image which represents safety, security, relationships that are not likely to change drastically. Accepting you are trans, if you are trans, is accepting reality. It can be very rewarding but it is not an easy path. What is the alternative, run from it? It isn't something you will ever outrun. I know, I tried over 50 years to run. It is a miserable thing, letting fear run your life instead of you. Admit it and then search for a path that is good for you. I wish you luck.
Moni
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Offline Dorit

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2019, 03:20:48 am »
Try to get in your head that acceptance is not a one day decision that you make and from then on, shame and guilt are gone. It is a process that takes time. It is a path where you discover new things about yourself and you let go of old things. I'm transitioned 3 1/2 years full time now. I still hit times or items where I butt up against the old thoughts. Don't expect it with a snap of your fingers.
If you want to actively work to gain self acceptance, you have to open yourself up to becoming more vulnerable. That is key. After all, accepting yourself as trans means you also give up your old self image which represents safety, security, relationships that are not likely to change drastically. Accepting you are trans, if you are trans, is accepting reality. It can be very rewarding but it is not an easy path. What is the alternative, run from it? It isn't something you will ever outrun. I know, I tried over 50 years to run. It is a miserable thing, letting fear run your life instead of you. Admit it and then search for a path that is good for you. I wish you luck.
Moni

What you wrote is so true.   I think it is especially true for those of us who transitioned late in life.   I had decades of internalized shame and rejection to overcome. As Moni wrote, it does not go away in a day just because you finally accept that you are trans.   The are years of conditioned responses, your brain has to be rewired.  I have been in continuous therapy for the whole time I began my transition over two years ago.   I still have episodes of shame and despair about myself, but I know this is the old, false me that is not completely gone yet.  Maybe someday they will be entirely gone, I am still new at this.
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl in 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
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Online Pammie

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2019, 06:52:19 am »
I guess I was lucky in one way in that i only discovered myself later in life so I had no conscious awareness. Since discovering myself I have been 100% content this is me and I have no residual consciousness from before. Basically, i’m 100% happy and content this is me.


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Offline BrightWindow

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2019, 07:08:40 am »
I can empathise as I was very much raised to be a boy, and I had some attachment to manhood that I was not ready to let go of. But I know that I am a woman and I can't deny that.
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Online Pammie

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2019, 07:11:13 am »
I can empathise as I was very much raised to be a boy, and I had some attachment to manhood that I was not ready to let go of. But I know that I am a woman and I can't deny that.
Can’t and would never want to! This is me.


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Offline BrightWindow

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2019, 09:20:51 am »
Can’t and would never want to! This is me.


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To be honest I'm not really proud of my womanhood and I don't celebrate it alongside liking maths or sth like some women do. I just see it as a factual necessity to me and really don't like being reacted to as a man.
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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2019, 10:04:34 am »
To be honest I'm not really proud of my womanhood and I don't celebrate it alongside liking maths or sth like some women do. I just see it as a factual necessity to me and really don't like being reacted to as a man.
Well i’m certainly very happy being the real me and I do get pride from passing


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Online Sephirah

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2019, 01:11:23 pm »
Hey ladies.

I'm having trouble accepting myself as transgender. I can admit it to myself but there is still some part of my brain that is trying to cling onto masculinity. Some part ofy brain still tries to tell me that I am some big tough man, and this creates a lot of shame. Does anyone have any advice?

Just a few musings of mine. Take them as you will. :)

Having masculine parts of yourself is okay. It is. There's nothing wrong with it, okay? A big hurdle for a lot of trans people is getting over this notion that "Okay if I'm actually a woman then I shouldn't like anything masculine, or feel anything masculine, or even be associated with anything masculine, because it's just confusing and doesn't make me feel authentic."

But to do that is to shut off a part of yourself. We all have a mix of masculine and feminine in us. And we express both in different ways, at different times, in different places. That's perfectly okay. Having a masculine part of you is okay, sweetie. We all have it. Some more and some less than others. But it's there.

My advice to you would be... well, you said it in the title of your thread. Accepting yourself. Accepting you, and all the parts of you. For me, being trans is a base. A blank canvas. It's not an expression of who I am. It's something that... hmm... it's kind of hard to explain. A lot of people make threads here such as "What does it mean to be a woman?" or "what does it mean to be a man?" and in them there are a lot of replies that detail feminine or masculine things that people do, or how the world around them reacts to them.

Sure, maybe those things are a part of it, but I don't see it quite that way. My response to anything like that is "It means whatever you want it to mean." It's like... I'm female, because I am. Because that's my self image. Because it's the only image of me that makes sense. But the things I like to do... sometimes the way I act, sometimes a view I have on the world, or something in it... sometimes it's what could be seen as masculine, sometimes it's seen as feminine. But in the end, it's mine.

Yes, I am a woman, but I am my own woman. That's also like saying I am left handed, though. It's just... a thing. WHO I am is kind of influenced by that but not governed by it, if that makes sense. And for me... understanding that was a big step to accepting myself. It's okay to like the things you like. It's okay to feel the way you feel. All of it is a part of you. Being trans is... well... it's something that happened to you during the process of being born.

Just something to think about, sweetie. YOU as a person... all of us, are far more multifaceted than just our gender. And sometimes it just does come down to who you see in your mind's eye. The you which makes you feel right. What shape canvas you want to paint the picture of your life on, okay?

Sorry for being rambly. :) Accepting you as a person is... well, if you can do that, then... I've found the gender stuff tends to fall into place on its own. It's okay to be you. *big hugs*

Offline Lucy5

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2019, 01:58:55 pm »
Hey ladies.

I'm having trouble accepting myself as transgender. I can admit it to myself but there is still some part of my brain that is trying to cling onto masculinity. Some part ofy brain still tries to tell me that I am some big tough man, and this creates a lot of shame. Does anyone have any advice?

I think Sephirah pretty much nailed: worry more about being yourself than being a specific image of feminine or forcing yourself to let masculine parts of you go. I'll add to that don't make the mistake of suppressing parts of yourself in order to fit someone else's image of feminine just because you identify as female. There are a few for feminine aspects of myself I suppressed from childhood on in order to better present a masculine image, which seems to be the case with most late transitioning trans people. It seems to me like it would be a terrible idea to repeat that mistake in the other direction. Be the person you wish to be, no more, no less.

Lucy

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2019, 02:27:13 pm »
I think Sephirah pretty much nailed: worry more about being yourself than being a specific image of feminine or forcing yourself to let masculine parts of you go. I'll add to that don't make the mistake of suppressing parts of yourself in order to fit someone else's image of feminine just because you identify as female. There are a few for feminine aspects of myself I suppressed from childhood on in order to better present a masculine image, which seems to be the case with most late transitioning trans people. It seems to me like it would be a terrible idea to repeat that mistake in the other direction. Be the person you wish to be, no more, no less.

Lucy
Excellent advice Lucy!



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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2019, 03:18:53 pm »
I want the masculine or conditioned part of me to accept that I'm female :D
Maybe that sounds weird, but I feel that's where the acceptance needs to happen for me. I already accept and love my female self. I just want the rest of me to acknowledge it and let me feel it more

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Re: Accepting yourself
« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2019, 03:24:49 pm »
I want the masculine or conditioned part of me to accept that I'm female :D
Maybe that sounds weird, but I feel that's where the acceptance needs to happen for me. I already accept and love my female self. I just want the rest of me to acknowledge it and let me feel it more
That is really interesting. That part of me is history so doesn’t feature at all


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