Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

A whole lot of trouble

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SweetViper:
Hello everyone. Sorry if my first post here sounds rather confusing and is packed with a lot of information, sexual sensitive material (probably) and other things, that I am having difficulties to understand and to deal with. This is my first ever post in a place like this but I feel, as if everyone here probably knows best, what the underlying problems might be. Also, I will be referring to a couple of personality disorders, or at least I believe that they are involved. That doesn't mean that I want to blame anyone for anything, just pointing out what I found out, trying to explain how and why and actually looking for well meant advice and help because I feel like I am starting to lose the ground under my feet. I hope that it won't get too confusing and nobody feels attacked in any way but I just need to let it out and ask those who know the best, what I could and should do.

For a few months, I have been dating a girl online and I was quite happy for the time being until a couple of problems started to appear, that I couldn't really make any sense of. At first, we started out just being friends, we talked a lot and actually had an amazing time until the point, where I just wanted to know more about her as she sent out clear signals that she was ready to take things between us further. We exchanged pictures and everything, we took part in each others lives as much as possible, considering that we live very very far away but on an occasional basis, doubts started to flare up, from both sides. As time progressed, I noticed a few changes in her behavior towards me, as well as her ability to actually be empathic when it came to certain things. The signals, that were quite clear at first, started to get more and more mixed, the amount of "maybe's", "I don't know's", "Let's wait and see's" kept increasing and I started to become more and more suspicious because while my feelings for her kept growing, her feelings somehow seemed to fade, her insecurities got bigger etc.

The first time, I noticed something rather weird was, when I was told that she was not happy with her body. I believed I had seen enough of her and I never felt that anything was wrong with her. She is a very pretty girl with a very nice shape, a beautiful face etc. but, before she sent me a picture of hers, she told me she had undergone breast surgery as she was unhappy with her "small" boobs, something that I could personally not understand. I tried to tell her, that, in my eyes, a woman is a lot more than boobs and a butt, it's the whole package and that she is perfectly fine the way she is. She then sent me her pics and said, she lied about the breast surgery as she thought I was a boobs-person. And even after knowing her weeks, later months, she kept obsessing about her boobs, saying that other men always talked down on her, for not having "big ones". I started to feel really sad, because to me, she still was as perfect as anyone could be and she kept teasing me, telling me, if I was a good boy, I could even see more. One day, she actually sent me yet another picture and I was a little confused as I didn't expect it but at the same time also even more suspicious because it felt like, the distance between us had already grown bigger again.

We barely agreed on things, she started to be very evasive at times, often passive aggressive and said things that were contradicting each other. She repeated she loved me but then immediately pulled back, saying that she doesn't. She said she wanted me in her life, pulled back and hinted that she really doesn't, which confused me more and more and more as the time went on. I tried to be as supportive as I could be, while I had a lot of work to deal with, a couple of projects that needed my attention so the time for us got more sparse. I tried to do my best but I felt as if things were starting to get worse and worse and one day it did strike me and I wanted to know if that last pic of herself she sent to me was really her or not. I did a quick image reverse search and found out that she lied to me, handing me a picture of someone else, which started to make me doubt about how honest she really was. I was too scared to really confront her with my assumptions but I barely had a chance than to dig a little deeper, seeing what I could find out. I wasn't even sure anymore that I could believe that she is who she said she really was as she always refused to actually talk to me on voice or cam.

Her statements towards me became increasingly mixed and actually hurtful, she started to spend less and less time with me, acted pretty selfish most of the time. It felt like as if she played a game with me which made me increasingly sad, then she came back, said almost the complete opposite of the things she said before, just so that a bit later she could throw another of those hurtful comments at me. I started to get increasingly worried and I wanted to find out more. I tried to talk to her, I tried to make her understand certain aspects about myself but as soon as things became more intimate again, she became super defensive and evasive. I started to confide in a long time friend about what happened in my life and he helped me to get to the bottom of this. He works as a journalist with more skills than me, so he did a little bit of research with the sparse info I had, barely knowing anything and started to find a couple of things out, that somehow left me speechless on the one hand, sad and depressed on the other.

I eventually found out, that all the pictures she sent me weren't her because she actually appeared in a yearbook, displaying her true name, displaying the place where she lived but we were able to cross-verify every finding as not everything I was told was a lie but the majority of it. We also found out, that she wasn't always a woman, something that she never told me. I wasn't even shocked or angry or anything because for me personally, nothing about her changed. My only problem really was and actually still is, that she refuses to be honest with me, that she refuses to tell me the truth. I meanwhile know, what was a lie and what was not, thanks to the help of my friend. I also asked another friend who is studying psychology, how he would describe her behavior. She often switched between saying the one thing, doing the other. Stories she told me started to show inconsistencies and he clearly identified her problem as ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

She made statements about certain events in the past where she made them sound like as if they were entirely normal from a social point of view, while they aren't. She barely showed any empathy, when I made it clear to her that I suffered. A few times, she acknowledged that she believes I am unhappy and that she might be the cause but didn't feel the need to change anything. She told me about her past but it didn't seem like she really learned from past events and even rather hurtful consequences didn't seem to bother her at all.

Meanwhile, we reached a point that feels like it's a point of no return, where we started to fight a lot, almost every day. She kept throwing all kinds of accusations and even insults against my head, things became increasingly difficult, I got more and more confused to a point where I felt pushed into a corner. I tried to fight back but almost immediately felt sorry. I tried to talk to her in a calm way, I tried to make her see that I love her, that I am there for her but she kept getting increasingly distant, almost to a point of unavailability. She told me she cared, then told me she doesn't want me anymore, then said she loved me, then said she didn't. It was a complete confusing mess. I wanted to confront her with my findings but was worried I would be called names again, maybe even accused of being a stalker. She repeated to say that she doesn'T want me in her life, then turned around and said she likes me and wants me in her life... it just didn't make any sense to me.

All of this has gone on for several weeks now and I have thought about what I am going to do. I could just trash her and move on, but I love her, still. Did she hurt me? Yes, she hurt me a lot but with the things I found out, I started to kind of understand, what she might be going through. This eventually made me to not wanting to give up on her, even if we ended as just friends. But how can I be friends with someone that does not trust me enough to be honest with me? I can not just approach her and say "hey, look, I found this, this, this and this" because she will immediately explode and I am scared of losing her. I have tried to be subtle about it, I have tried to hint on me knowing what is going on, yet she keeps these information from me. I even think, that she might be lying to me to keep me around but actually has already found someone else.

I am not sure if any of you ever went through so much but I really could need some help on how to deal with this, how to deal with her. I know that she is transgender, MtF. I know that she is a beautiful woman and I learned to see her caring side. I learned that she suffers from ASPD but don't think it's wise to confront her with that as I am sure, she'll refuse to accept that and rather call me names than to try to think about things she said and did. I have tried many times to show her, that I love her and accept her just as she is and even if she admitted things to me, I wouldn't judge her for that. I am rather sure, stories she told me from her past about abuse and bullying were honest as well so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for her.

There are so many things that I would love to ask her, but I don't dare. I would love her to be honest and stop lying to me but she won't. Am I expecting too much from her? What could be the reason why she would hide from me that she's MtF? I feel as if she can't even accept herself, not even wanting to show herself to me. I don't know what she thinks I will do, I don't know why she is scared or what reason she has to be scared of me the way she is. If any of you can give any ideas, hints, answers on how to cope and deal with that, I'd be more than happy. I am going through a really difficult time, having a whole lot of problems to deal with myself. I don't want to lose her out of my life but I can't see any positive outcome, when she keeps refusing to be honest with me. I don't even think that I can be a loyal friend with someone, that literally 'catfished' me, someone that used me to fill her gap, to give her comfort etc.

Do I believe that she used me? I don't know, I can't tell. I am 100% sure that she has this ASPD though and I know that it will be a very very difficult challenge for me. Maybe she will even read what I write in here and think about what I had to say. There is probably a whole lot that I forgot to mention in here, so I might be giving more answers and questions in further replies. For now, all I know is that I am a disappointed mess, someone who struggles a lot.

Any answers, ideas, hints, suggestions or whatever can help would be very appreciated.
~SweetViper

KathyLauren:
Hi, SweetViper!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am the last person to give relationship advice, since you could count my relationships on one hand with fingers left over.  However, I am not seeing anything in your post to show what this relationship is grounded on.  You have serious trust issues with each other.  To me, that would indicate that it is time to move on.

I hope you find peace.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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SweetViper:
Hello Kathy and thank you for your welcome.
It's rather difficult to explain what the relationship is grounded on but yes, there are trust issues. I have told her pretty much everything about me, no secrets or anything but for one reason or the other, she can't trust. She keeps repeatedly saying things that give me hope enough, maybe not as a boyfriend or husband but a friend she can turn to when she needs one. She repeatedly said that she is longing for someone to lean on, someone to be there for her, someone for comfort etc. but I don't know how to be there for her, when she can't be honest about who she really is. We live quite far away from each other but Distance should never be an issue and, in fact, is none for me. Even if it just for me being there for her and supporting her through a therapy or whatever but it's difficult, when she keeps lying about things that make a difference. She told me often enough that she is even scared to admit feelings as they may be held against her later on and that by itself is quite a tough statement to deal with. That's the reason why I'm looking for advice on what I can do for her.

Sarah-Red:
Hi Sweet.

I know that even people with problems could use someone to love, but this not only sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, but she has many problems. I don't remember the name of it, but some people lie so much that it becomes normal for them, and they can even come to kind of live in that fiction. She also has major personality problems that sound very negative. I don't know how much the things i mentioned apply to her, but my advice is that unless you're willing to care for someone with extreme problems, stay away from her and carry your love elsewhere. They will keep pulling you in and hurting you away, and pulling you in again. It's relationships filled with drama. Unless you're prepared for that, you know what you have to do.

Some people think they can help make someone better, so they stay with them even though they have problems, but for stuff like this that's rarely the case. Know what you're in for. If you still care about her enough to accept all that, then you either have a super heart, or don't care enough about yourself :P

You deserve love, but there's other people, and I'm sorry it happens to be someone with problems like that, but the question is whether or not this is worth it. I don't like to make hard suggestions, so I at least wanted to say these things so you can better know what your likely choices are.

If you think about leaving her, you could try to shatter some of her fictions (or lies), and see how she reacts. Even if she's mad at you or something, it would be good for her to know she can't just get away with stuff like that. You deserve better. Maybe it would actually open her up, if she feels like she might lose you. If you want her to know that it's ok and that you won't hold it against her, that might be interesting. Just be careful not to be pulled in by any victimhood. It's up to you how you want to work it out or not though.

Sephirah:
Okay, hon, I'm going to say right out of the box that you need to be sure about this person.

The trouble is, on the internet, anyone can be anyone. As a gamer girl I've met some really messed up people online. And this has nothing, NOTHING, to do with gender. I've seen people lead other people on purely because they're lonely and want company. Some stuff you literally wouldn't believe.

You have to be very careful. I hate to say this, because... well, you're here, sweetie. But are you absolutely sure this person is trans? There are a lot of men online who try and pass themselves off as women (it's how the G.I.R.L thing got started... Guy In Real Life). There are people out there who... have issues. I am not saying this person is one, but I am saying that it's a possibility and that this person is deliberately giving you false information and refusing to disclose things to you because... the truth isn't something you can, or want to deal with.

HOW do you know this person is trans, sweetie? Something they've said, or information you've found out?

I don't want to see you be hurt by this, and I know how some people can be. The person inside me who's had to deal with people who aren't who they say they are... the alarm bells are ringing.

See the thing is... giving people fake pictures of yourself and hoping they don't find out... that's optimistic at best and naive at worst. That's not something you do if you ever have any intention of meeting the other person since you know instantly that they'll see through it. My gut tells me there's something very wrong with this, sweetie. And that you're right for feeling the way you do.

I have been through something similar to what you describe. People pretending to be someone other than who they are. The more you get closer to the truth the more agitated they get.

If you want my advice, for what it's worth, you need to rip the band-aid off. You need to confront this. From what you've said... I wouldn't trust this person. Relationships are built on trust, and it sounds as though there is none there. People online are the best liars in the world, because they have the whole of google images to draw on, and you can't look them in the face.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but... I don't know. Intuitively, something feels very wrong about this. The last thing you do with anyone you want a relationship with is to lie about things they could find out the truth of very easily.

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