Author Topic: I really hate being trans.  (Read 1409 times)

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Offline Erika_

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I really hate being trans.
« on: December 24, 2019, 09:15:42 am »
My life would be so much easier if I wasn't.

I've known I was supposed to be a girl from my earliest memories, and I knew transition was a possibility back in 2006 and I've been trying to transition since. However due to the medical system in this country I wasn't able to get hormones until this year.

I have such a masculine face and body, and had I gotten on hormones when I first started trying to transition I wouldn't have that problem.
I started puberty at nine years old, and I had no way of stopping it. I tried to slow it down by hardly eating anything, but that didn't work.
I spent years calling doctors and gender clinics only to be told "Sorry, we don't do that here." and "Sorry, we aren't taking new patients right now." .

My face is deformed from years of testosterone, and I could have stopped it if I tried harder. Maybe they would have put me on the waiting list if I called every day, maybe if I had come out to people around me more often they would have believed me.

My hips have grown as wide as my ribcage, but they will never be as wide as my shoulders. I look like a telephone pole, and that isn't the most feminine shape. I have a square jawline and a huge Addams apple, along with a massive brow ridge.

I'm jealous of those who were able to start young, I tried to do that but I was a failure like always.

I've been attacked a few times, and when I defended myself I was treated so horribly by the authorities that I wished my attacker had been successful. I was sexually assaulted twice this year, and I still live with the man who raped me the second time. I don't have the money to leave, and the police won't do anything.

Through all of this I look back and see where I went wrong, I thought I wouldn't have a future so I didn't try to improve anything until it was too late. If I knew that I would be able to transition I would have tried,
I thought I didn't have a future, and now I don't have one.

I hate being trans.

Offline BrightWindow

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 09:46:58 am »
My life would be so much easier if I wasn't.

I've known I was supposed to be a girl from my earliest memories, and I knew transition was a possibility back in 2006 and I've been trying to transition since. However due to the medical system in this country I wasn't able to get hormones until this year.

I have such a masculine face and body, and had I gotten on hormones when I first started trying to transition I wouldn't have that problem.
I started puberty at nine years old, and I had no way of stopping it. I tried to slow it down by hardly eating anything, but that didn't work.
I spent years calling doctors and gender clinics only to be told "Sorry, we don't do that here." and "Sorry, we aren't taking new patients right now." .

My face is deformed from years of testosterone, and I could have stopped it if I tried harder. Maybe they would have put me on the waiting list if I called every day, maybe if I had come out to people around me more often they would have believed me.

My hips have grown as wide as my ribcage, but they will never be as wide as my shoulders. I look like a telephone pole, and that isn't the most feminine shape. I have a square jawline and a huge Addams apple, along with a massive brow ridge.

I'm jealous of those who were able to start young, I tried to do that but I was a failure like always.

I've been attacked a few times, and when I defended myself I was treated so horribly by the authorities that I wished my attacker had been successful. I was sexually assaulted twice this year, and I still live with the man who raped me the second time. I don't have the money to leave, and the police won't do anything.

Through all of this I look back and see where I went wrong, I thought I wouldn't have a future so I didn't try to improve anything until it was too late. If I knew that I would be able to transition I would have tried,
I thought I didn't have a future, and now I don't have one.

I hate being trans.

Dear Erika,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

I too regret not being cissexual and obtaining most of the 2SCs I could ever wish for just from my natural gonads. I have my own thread similar to yours, "Not proud."

I could relate to a lot of your experiences. I have always known both that I am transgender and that I am transsexual, but it took me until 12 to know anything whatsoever about transitioning, and even then I thought that only the utmost rich adults could do so. 14 was the age where I realised that medical transitioning is not just for the rich, but I still was getting the impression that it was highly dangerous and everybody told me "accept yourself." So I tried for a long time to accept my male genitals as they are, and I have never suffered sex dysphoria particularly severely, enough so that I feel I need SRS now, but I felt I could do it back then. My relatively mild sex dysphoria is also partly responsible for why my female identity was not picked up on earlier in childhood. I first knew of puberty blockers at 15, which was my first realisation that you don't have to be over 18 to transition, which I had believed previously. But I thought "oh well it's too late anyway." But here I am at 16, knowing I have to change my body and I have to do so as soon as I can.

I too deeply regret not being able to starting before puberty and cannot help being jealous of those who had this opportunity. However coming to Susan's place besides many other things has helped me to realise that in the grand scheme of things, I am still very privileged as almost everyone here that I have encountered transitioned in adulthood, and even though I will not benefit nearly as much as I would have from starting HRT six years ago (I started puberty at 11+3m), I will still feminise very effectively, and my height is the only male characteristic I have which cannot be undone. Though, looking at my sister, who is only 2 or 3 inches shorter than me, I would not even have been immensely shorter had I started sooner. Getting shoes for my size is difficult, but it is not at all impossible and there are still many excellent and beautiful women's shoes I can buy at size 11. People do not really notice the difference between someone's feet if they are size 11 vs size 8, the latter of which is what my sister has. Some MTFs report losing foot size under HRT but I am not relying on that.

There are plenty of cis women with shoulders that are wider than their hips, that is not really a huge problem. And if you have good breast growth from E I am sure that your shoulders and chest will seem narrower and more feminine because there is something between them, rather than a flat chest, even if the bones themselves are the same size. You may wish to consider FFS to feminise your jaw and neck, there are many MTFs who have done so and sure it is not easy but it is probably worthwhile if your face is a big problem for you. I personally am likely to have at least a partial FFS as I am unhappy with my apple and brow but my face is not really that masculine overall and I do not think I need this surgery to pass as female.

I have never been victim to a serious violent or sexual crime, or even so much as cat-calling etc. but I understand that this must have been very difficult for you and I express my condolences to you and hope you are recovered.

I understand you are having a difficult time but do not forget every MTF who has been through the same. I beat myself a little as a 12 year old, because I had a hard time then, but the adults in my life helped me through it, now I am having a hard time again, my GP appointment to start my MTF transition is in less than two weeks and I am completely terrified, but I have the strength to get through it knowing that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

BW BW
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Offline Erika_

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 10:28:25 am »
@BrightWindow

Unfortunately I will never be able to afford FFS so long as I live in this country, it's not covered by the government or any insurance providers. And with what the police did to me I'll never be able to work again here.

I'll be stuck looking like this forever,






Offline BrightWindow

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2019, 12:33:09 pm »
@BrightWindow

Unfortunately I will never be able to afford FFS so long as I live in this country, it's not covered by the government or any insurance providers. And with what the police did to me I'll never be able to work again here.

I'll be stuck looking like this forever,



Dear Erika,

I see no problems with your face! Your brow ridge looks far more subtle than mine, and I am said to pass. Your hair compliments your face nicely, your lipstick is great and you have lovely eyes. I would never guess you were MTF. I do see that your shoulders are a little wide but it's not so bad, there are many MTFs who have them much wider and still pass.

What country do you live in? I live in UK where basically I'm stuck with having to pay for it myself but I'm sure I can do it if I find a good enough job. I hope you can too, if you feel you need it, but I think you already have a great face.

Take care of yourself, and have a lovely Christmas (if you celebrate it)

BW BW
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Offline Erika_

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2019, 01:31:15 pm »
@BrightWindow

I live in Canada, and I'm around four or five months on estrogen. {I don't remember exactly when I started}

And I do celebrate Christmas, So I say a merry Christmas to you as well.


Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2019, 01:32:14 pm »
Erika, I think you are too hard on yourself, you look completely passable, something which close to half the people on this forum will never achieve. You are certainly in a poor life situation and I suspect, blaming being trans for that, but there are things you can do to change that. You need to change your life, not your face! Surely you have some skills, consider moving to another place and starting again, but this time, find better people to surround you. There is a saying, if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. Commit to changing your life as a better one is out there waiting for you!

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2019, 01:37:22 pm »
Your body doesn't really look masculine, I find. There are tons of people who don't look that good.

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2019, 03:23:24 pm »
@Erika, I consider that I have a reasonably good body, and I don't look anywhere near as good as you do!

I'm also not planning any FFS for myself. As I've often said, for me, this is about being me, not about being a woman.

I know I might be simplifying things here. I have no idea why I am happier presenting as female, and to be totally honest, if it were not the case then I'd have money to spend on other things. I also know that I wasn't completely unhappy as male, so strictly speaking I'm probably an enby, but I don't want to be an enby so I now regard myself as female. If I don't know why I want to present as female, why should I pass comment on others?

Why do most men want to present as men? Why do most women want to present as women? Would anyone be able to answer that question? Would it have something to do with fitting into society? Perhaps that's the issue.

If you can draw any comfort at all from this statement, please do so. I think you look female, and good.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
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Offline Pammie

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2019, 03:31:36 pm »
@Erika, I consider that I have a reasonably good body, and I don't look anywhere near as good as you do!

I'm also not planning any FFS for myself. As I've often said, for me, this is about being me, not about being a woman.

I know I might be simplifying things here. I have no idea why I am happier presenting as female, and to be totally honest, if it were not the case then I'd have money to spend on other things. I also know that I wasn't completely unhappy as male, so strictly speaking I'm probably an enby, but I don't want to be an enby so I now regard myself as female. If I don't know why I want to present as female, why should I pass comment on others?

Why do most men want to present as men? Why do most women want to present as women? Would anyone be able to answer that question? Would it have something to do with fitting into society? Perhaps that's the issue.

If you can draw any comfort at all from this statement, please do so. I think you look female, and good.
I y the vast majority of cis people have never and will never question how they present. They know they are what they are and they know the norms for what they are.


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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2019, 03:41:27 pm »
I y the vast majority of cis people have never and will never question how they present. They know they are what they are and they know the norms for what they are.

Exactly. Sometimes the obvious questions are the ones that are never asked.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: started 6 Apr 2021 via GenderCare/NHS shared care
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline Rachel

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2019, 09:48:15 pm »
Erica, you look female.

HRT will be changing you after 5 years. So give it time; I think you will look very good.

There are bone structures HRT will not change. Many woman have more masculine facial bone structures than others.

Being critical is part of being trans but give it time. If in time you are not satisfied then you can do something about it. I would recommend going slow.

Rachel
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2019, 10:31:19 pm »
@Erika, I consider that I have a reasonably good body, and I don't look anywhere near as good as you do!

I'm also not planning any FFS for myself. As I've often said, for me, this is about being me, not about being a woman.

I know I might be simplifying things here. I have no idea why I am happier presenting as female, and to be totally honest, if it were not the case then I'd have money to spend on other things. I also know that I wasn't completely unhappy as male, so strictly speaking I'm probably an enby, but I don't want to be an enby so I now regard myself as female. If I don't know why I want to present as female, why should I pass comment on others?

Why do most men want to present as men? Why do most women want to present as women? Would anyone be able to answer that question? Would it have something to do with fitting into society? Perhaps that's the issue.

If you can draw any comfort at all from this statement, please do so. I think you look female, and good.

I like your attitude Ellie, it's much more easeful. From some of your posts I read, you're following your happiness about it, and you don't feel forced to reach a certain point with it, it's a bit refreshing.
I may not be able to feel the same quite as much, but it's nice to see and can offer inspiration in some ways even if you don't even mean to :D

Offline Erika_

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2019, 10:42:04 am »
@Allie Jayne

I'm working on cutting out the bad people, but with my current situation I can't leave the area. I don't know when that will change, but for now I'm unfortunately trapped.

@Ellie_Arroway

For me, transition is about correcting a mistake, I've been trying to correct it for a long time. But I've only recently experienced success after everything else in my life collapsed.

Sierra9165

Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2019, 10:19:51 am »
My life would be so much easier if I wasn't.

I've known I was supposed to be a girl from my earliest memories, and I knew transition was a possibility back in 2006 and I've been trying to transition since. However due to the medical system in this country I wasn't able to get hormones until this year.

I have such a masculine face and body, and had I gotten on hormones when I first started trying to transition I wouldn't have that problem.
I started puberty at nine years old, and I had no way of stopping it. I tried to slow it down by hardly eating anything, but that didn't work.
I spent years calling doctors and gender clinics only to be told "Sorry, we don't do that here." and "Sorry, we aren't taking new patients right now." .

My face is deformed from years of testosterone, and I could have stopped it if I tried harder. Maybe they would have put me on the waiting list if I called every day, maybe if I had come out to people around me more often they would have believed me.

My hips have grown as wide as my ribcage, but they will never be as wide as my shoulders. I look like a telephone pole, and that isn't the most feminine shape. I have a square jawline and a huge Addams apple, along with a massive brow ridge.

I'm jealous of those who were able to start young, I tried to do that but I was a failure like always.

I've been attacked a few times, and when I defended myself I was treated so horribly by the authorities that I wished my attacker had been successful. I was sexually assaulted twice this year, and I still live with the man who raped me the second time. I don't have the money to leave, and the police won't do anything.

Through all of this I look back and see where I went wrong, I thought I wouldn't have a future so I didn't try to improve anything until it was too late. If I knew that I would be able to transition I would have tried,
I thought I didn't have a future, and now I don't have one.

I hate being trans.

Erika, first off you are beautiful.  unfortunately we have no choice, we are trans.  i started transition just before 53,  16 months ago.  people ask me if i could go back to a young age and start over,  the quick answer is yes, but the real answer is no,  i am who i am, and i am molded by my past and it helped make me who i am today.  i cannot change the past, and i refuse to let the past control me.  i understand your problems,  but some things cannot be changed, especially once they are done.  for me, i love being trans,  i love being woman,  i love being both.  we can spend eternity thinking what if, or if i had done this, or been able to do this, or if this had not happened.  you beat yourself up over things you cannot change now.  do not let the past control you,  look ahead and work toward the future.  are there things about me i dont like,  yes but i know i cannot change them, so i learn to embrace them.  live now not then.  you cannot change it.  also, there are cis women of every shape and size,  there is no mold, no real ideal.  you are unique, learn to love you for you.  stop trying to be what you arent, or what cannot be because of biology.  none of us can control our genes.  the Native Americans have the five spirits,  male,female, two spirit male and two spirit female, and transgender.  they did not have hormones or surgery,  yet they existed just fine among their culture.  you can either hate your existence or embrace it and love it.  live with what you have instead of worrying about what you dont have.  be brave, be beautiful because you are.  give love and surround yourself with good people, get rid of negative people. 

Sierra9165

Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2019, 10:25:21 am »
@Allie Jayne

I'm working on cutting out the bad people, but with my current situation I can't leave the area. I don't know when that will change, but for now I'm unfortunately trapped.

@Ellie_Arroway

For me, transition is about correcting a mistake, I've been trying to correct it for a long time. But I've only recently experienced success after everything else in my life collapsed.

just because you cant leave the area does not mean you cant cut bad people out.  focus on good people.  i am lucky to work in healthcare and every one of my coworkers is awesome and has a good heart.  i dumped friends who are always negative.  find groups in your area who are supportive.  good people influence good behavior.  often surrounding ourselves with negative will also turn us negative.  positive people have made such a difference in my life, people who compliment instead of criticize.  people who are not ashamed to be seen with you.  people who hug you authentically when you see them, and tell you they love you and mean it.  sometimes life sucks,  but what we do about it makes a world of difference.  message me if you like, i would love to help you best i can.  i actually have my own support group locally.

Offline Rachel_Christina

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2019, 11:15:58 am »
We all think like this, we all had plans, I first got on hormones at 26 and still struggle with notion of being trans and what I see in the mirror.

When I was young my plan was to cut out and flush my testicles in a toilet in hospital, knowing that I would collapse and then be looked after by staff, and thus be ultimately safe.
But I knew this would wind me in a mental probably receiving testosterone injections anyway.

Sometimes I still think about this and wish I had done it :'(

It's so horrible I think to have been thinking things like this, it did plenty damage,
I just hope We can all truly move on one day from things like this in our past :/



Offline BrightWindow

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2019, 11:29:52 am »
We all think like this, we all had plans, I first got on hormones at 26 and still struggle with notion of being trans and what I see in the mirror.

When I was young my plan was to cut out and flush my testicles in a toilet in hospital, knowing that I would collapse and then be looked after by staff, and thus be ultimately safe.
But I knew this would wind me in a mental probably receiving testosterone injections anyway.

Sometimes I still think about this and wish I had done it :'(

It's so horrible I think to have been thinking things like this, it did plenty damage,
I just hope We can all truly move on one day from things like this in our past :/
I have never wanted to remove my genitalia in any way other than controlled surgery. My sex dysphoria has always been mild compared to a lot of transsexual people, significant I think enough that I need the surgery but I never thought things like that.

I did engage in self-harm as a 12 year old though.
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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #17 on: December 28, 2019, 11:37:50 am »
I really liked what you had to share Shawna.

As for getting rid of genitalia, I maybe had one or two flashes of thinking about it, but I'd never do that, I'd rather go through a good process. I still don't like seeing it there, and I remember times being pretty upset about the sack. I guess I'm just kind of ignoring it for now. What shows to the public is more what I care about still.

I'm starting to not hate the mirror as much, slowly. I still have quite bit of trouble with some stuff, but at least I don't break down inside. I'm tired of hating life or what's possible.

Offline Erika_

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #18 on: December 28, 2019, 11:54:17 am »
We all think like this, we all had plans, I first got on hormones at 26 and still struggle with notion of being trans and what I see in the mirror.

When I was young my plan was to cut out and flush my testicles in a toilet in hospital, knowing that I would collapse and then be looked after by staff, and thus be ultimately safe.
But I knew this would wind me in a mental probably receiving testosterone injections anyway.

Sometimes I still think about this and wish I had done it :'(

It's so horrible I think to have been thinking things like this, it did plenty damage,
I just hope We can all truly move on one day from things like this in our past :/

I attempted to remove my genitals a few times as a kid, the closest I got was when I was three. I ended up having to get surgery to put everything back together.
It's funny that the next surgery I have will be to finish what I started.

There were a few more after that, but they mostly stopped when I learned about SRS.


Offline barbie

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Re: I really hate being trans.
« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2019, 12:50:06 pm »
I've been attacked a few times, and when I defended myself I was treated so horribly by the authorities that I wished my attacker had been successful. I was sexually assaulted twice this year, and I still live with the man who raped me the second time. I don't have the money to leave, and the police won't do anything.

Through all of this I look back and see where I went wrong, I thought I wouldn't have a future so I didn't try to improve anything until it was too late. If I knew that I would be able to transition I would have tried,
I thought I didn't have a future, and now I don't have one.

I hate being trans.

Although I have visited only BC just twice during the past 10 years, my impression is that Canada may be one of the best countries where transgender people like to reside. Of course, I know that there are always exceptions.

Have you tried to contact with other transgender people or any supporting group in your area?

Acting alone is always risky. You have better act with the help of other people.

barbie~~

Just do it.