Author Topic: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries  (Read 1038 times)

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Offline Sarah L Robinson

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Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« on: January 01, 2020, 06:14:14 pm »
Hi everyone,


Ok this is a weird one. Two years ago at age 50, I finally started hormones and blockers (spiro then cyproterone). After 14 months I began living full time as female and underwent full ffs surgery at 2pass with Dr Bart (followed by a revision/2nd ffs at 20 months). After 23 months on 14 December, my female partner whom I love with all my heart eventually managed to realise that the reason we had not been intimate for 8 months was that she didn’t fancy me anymore. Immediately I decided it was time to cease hormones and blockers and get my now shoulder length hair cut off which I did. This was a huge heart breaking blow to my hopes, efforts to transition, missing bone from my new head, breasts which had grown incredibly well to C cup. It also shattered my feeling of security as I do not ever want to lose my partner and won’t take the risk to achieve happiness of feeling how I want to feel.
For most of you, you’ll find it ridiculous that I gave up after all the pain, the social integration, the telling all my family and friends that I was becoming female. But I have. I don’t want to talk about this being the wrong decision as for many of you it would be. But for myself, being who I want to be, without the knowledge that the person I love is sexually attracted to me as before make no sense. I don’t want to be a woman without her.
I realise that I’ll regret it but that’s my decision.

Where I’m struggling is that my body is now effectively damaged as a man and I’m wondering if anyone knows want I can expect?
My penis is almost half it’s original size. Will it grow back?
I’m getting my T level tested at the end of January by the way. Should that be long enough to know if it’ll return to a sufficient level?
Obviously I’ll need surgery to remove my breasts as I was on the HRT for so long. And to reverse the FFS I’ll need at least brow implants, chin and jaw implants (probably too). Think my small nose will have to remain.
Anyone know anything about this process? My guess is, that anyone who does may well have left the site for obvious reasons. But I really can’t find anything online that can give me an idea of my expectations.

Thank you for reading.

Peter (formally Sarah)

Oh hell I need a new passport and driving licence again!

Offline Rakel

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2020, 06:30:28 pm »
Peter,

Since you have been on estrogen for almost 2 years, I think that most of the changes will be extremely difficult to reverse on their own, if that is possible at all.

You are correct in that there are negative consequences for anyone who transitions. We must all make our own decision and I wish you the best outcomes to your physical issues.




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Offline Maybebaby56

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2020, 06:36:35 pm »
Hello Peter,

Your decision is hardly ridiculous. We all must decide what makes us happy and whether the cost may be worth it. That applies just as much to detransitioning as your original decision to transition. I disagree with Rakel. Other than breast growth and possible sterility or decreased sperm count, I don't think there are any physiological changes from hormones that cannot be reversed after only two years of HRT. You are way past puberty. Reintroduction of testosterone will start changing your skin and muscle mass. Any androgenic alopecia will resume. Your hematocrit levels will return to the male range.

As far as trying to reverse FFS, I would be more cautious.  My suggestion would be to involve your girlfriend.  You are doing this for her, so seek her input. "What would make me attractive to you again?"  Physical appearances are transitory. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, and I am acutely aware of this.  We age, things change. The perception of beauty in those we love changes accordingly. We love who they are, not their wrinkles, or love handles, or sagging jowls. We simply find them irrelevant.

With kindness,

Terri


"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives" - Annie Dillard

Offline Sarah L Robinson

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2020, 06:45:03 pm »
Hi.

Thank you for your kind words. I do hope my thingy grows back though!

Regarding is it for her, yes as I’m 52, she 37 which makes it harder for me to keep my end up and be attractive. She mainly thinks the brows are the issue as they really are high and smooth now quite the opposite of my former self to which I hope to return. She’s not so bothered about the jaw and chin but in my mind, these were the features that made me handsome not just male. Originally we both assumed she’d move along the path beside me and she’d still find me attractive but sadly the birds and the bees can’t be cheated that easily and it’s not worked for her. Frustrating as I totally fancy the pants off her. It’s made me think so hard “what the he’ll was I doing” x

Really worried

Peter x

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2020, 06:48:37 pm »
Hi Peter.
I know that what you want is info to reverse back to male, but I hope you'll allow me to post about making a big life decision based on a partner. Feel free to tell me if you don't want to talk about it at all. If you did not experience dysphoria when you decided to transition, I can understand that there's more flexibility, and that you can live as male. But can you really? If you are female, it will feel like giving a male persona to your partner, not yourself. I think it's important to find someone that loves us for us. It would simply break my heart if you were to detransition and later find that while love is super important to you, living the opposite of who you are inside would take a toll. While love can change hands, as hard as it is when we fall in love. I hope you give yourself a little bit of time to feel things around this, and make the right decision for you. I think it's easier for someone non-binary to detransition.

Breasts can be operated on, and there's definitely things you can do for the rest, but of course you'll need to consult a professional that can help with any of the other surgeries.

Good luck, whatever you choose. <3

Offline Complete

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2020, 07:38:50 pm »
Lynn Conway has a site which deals with de-transition. You might be able to find some help there.
Yes. This is what I look like :-*

Offline AnonyMs

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2020, 08:42:18 pm »
I’d hold off on breast surgery for a while. It’s possible you won’t be able to cope with being male again, and you could end up seriously regretting surgery.

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2020, 03:16:26 am »
Hi everyone,


Ok this is a weird one. Two years ago at age 50, I finally started hormones and blockers (spiro then cyproterone). After 14 months I began living full time as female and underwent full ffs surgery at 2pass with Dr Bart (followed by a revision/2nd ffs at 20 months). After 23 months on 14 December, my female partner whom I love with all my heart eventually managed to realise that the reason we had not been intimate for 8 months was that she didn’t fancy me anymore. Immediately I decided it was time to cease hormones and blockers and get my now shoulder length hair cut off which I did. This was a huge heart breaking blow to my hopes, efforts to transition, missing bone from my new head, breasts which had grown incredibly well to C cup. It also shattered my feeling of security as I do not ever want to lose my partner and won’t take the risk to achieve happiness of feeling how I want to feel.
For most of you, you’ll find it ridiculous that I gave up after all the pain, the social integration, the telling all my family and friends that I was becoming female. But I have. I don’t want to talk about this being the wrong decision as for many of you it would be. But for myself, being who I want to be, without the knowledge that the person I love is sexually attracted to me as before make no sense. I don’t want to be a woman without her.
I realise that I’ll regret it but that’s my decision.

Where I’m struggling is that my body is now effectively damaged as a man and I’m wondering if anyone knows want I can expect?
My penis is almost half it’s original size. Will it grow back?
I’m getting my T level tested at the end of January by the way. Should that be long enough to know if it’ll return to a sufficient level?
Obviously I’ll need surgery to remove my breasts as I was on the HRT for so long. And to reverse the FFS I’ll need at least brow implants, chin and jaw implants (probably too). Think my small nose will have to remain.
Anyone know anything about this process? My guess is, that anyone who does may well have left the site for obvious reasons. But I really can’t find anything online that can give me an idea of my expectations.

Thank you for reading.

Peter (formally Sarah)

Oh hell I need a new passport and driving licence again!

Big hug!

You can easily get your levels back in male range. Like all things HRT, YMMV, so there's no telling if you'll regain size and function. Please keep us updated, as your data will surely help someone else down the road.

Speaking of roads, the one we're on is a twisty one indeed. This bus we're on (I'll call it the T line) has a lot of stops, and every other one is called Happiness. For some people, simply accepting themselves as transgender is the answer, and they get off the bus at Happiness. Some people go on HRT, then get off the bus at Happiness. Some fully transition, and get off the bus at Happiness. Some transition, detranstion, and get off the bus at Happiness. Others will eventually retransition, and get off the bus at Happiness. Everyone needs to ride the bus until the driver calls out their stop.

See you at Happiness, my friend.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn
Veteran, US Army

Offline SarahJaneSmith

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2020, 12:59:07 pm »
Hi OP,

Interesting coincidence. Last night I watched a Youtube video about EXACTLY what you described.
You are older than the Youtuber in question but there are details you should watch.

Offline DebbySoufflage

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2020, 07:48:29 pm »
Do what feels right for you, not what your partner wants you to be.
An emotional bond between two people can only develop if both of you are who you want to be.
If one is what the other wants them to be, the relationship will never be truly genuine because there will be a wall between them.

If you want to be a man deep in your heart, detransition.
If you want to be a woman but want to live as a man because she wants you to, what will happen if something happens to her?
Life is not eternal. Even though you are older she might die before you. What will become of you if that ever happens?
Will you retransition in your 70s?
Wish you could get those past 20 years back?

Whatever you decide, make sure you won't look back with regret and second thoughts.

Therapy is a healthy outlet and a good idea.

Remember : there is someone for everyone out there.
Maybe you two would be better off as friends than as lovers.
She wants you to be her beard and you only want to be that beard because she wants you to. Is that healthy?

Only you can decide.

Luv,
Debby

Offline Lucy5

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2020, 09:03:56 pm »
As someone who plans to take things slowly to make sure their partner can manage along the way, I fully understand your need to make sure things are workable with your partner. I would, however, suggest taking things as slowly as possible in the detransitioning process and only go as far as is needed to reach an equilibrium where both you and your partner can handle your physical state. Take things one step at a time, and as soon as she can find you attractive enough to interact with sexually, stop. Also be aware that the age difference alone might have a negative impact on her ability to find you sexually attractive. Both of you will need to work at understanding your own needs and communicating them clearly and effectively to make sure that you don't detransition and find out at the end of it that age alone will prevent a resumption of intimacy. Communication and a careful approach are key, and I wish you best of luck with it!

Lucy

Offline DebbySoufflage

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Re: Detransition after 2 years of MTF. My worries
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2020, 09:14:33 pm »
As someone who plans to take things slowly to make sure their partner can manage along the way, I fully understand your need to make sure things are workable with your partner. I would, however, suggest taking things as slowly as possible in the detransitioning process and only go as far as is needed to reach an equilibrium where both you and your partner can handle your physical state. Take things one step at a time, and as soon as she can find you attractive enough to interact with sexually, stop. Also be aware that the age difference alone might have a negative impact on her ability to find you sexually attractive. Both of you will need to work at understanding your own needs and communicating them clearly and effectively to make sure that you don't detransition and find out at the end of it that age alone will prevent a resumption of intimacy. Communication and a careful approach are key, and I wish you best of luck with it!

Lucy

Exactly.

It's a cumulation of multiple aspects.
Her being much younger than them.
Her being hetero while they are not physically male anymore.

If they detransition, they will still not have their former face back.
FFS changed the bones.
They even risk looking odd for a male because of all the bone work and testosterone working slowly at their age.

Walt Heyer is a detransitioned male who looks odd 3 decades after his detransition.
He had FFS and SRS.
Since op didn't have SRS or orchie, they will not need exogenous testo shots.
It is however a gamble how their face will pack out on testosterone. A feminine bone structure with male fat redistribution might look weird and might make them prone to stigmatization in their assigned at birth sex.

I hope everything will pack out right for OP and that they may find peace with themself.

Luv,
Debby

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