Author Topic: Telling my wife  (Read 1449 times)

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Offline Jaymilynn

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Telling my wife
« on: January 12, 2020, 08:17:04 pm »
Well, I’ve been doing tons of reading the last few days on how exactly to do this. I’m fairly confident that she will leave me. I don’t think she with want or be able to handle my transition. I was originally going to wait until I had a few sessions with my therapist before but I’ve received what I think is really good advise from so people on here and I agree I need to at least try to include her on every aspect. Even though I don’t think she will stay with me. I am going to tell here within the next 2 weeks. I’ve tried to all weekend but just haven’t gotten the courage to do it yet. I’ve felt so close to it but just can’t form the words. I know my anxieties would at least somewhat calm down if I just come out and tell her. We’ve been together for 22 years and married for 19. I’m 43 and been hiding and suppressing these feelings my entire life. Wish me luck!
Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2020, 08:34:27 pm »
Good luck,

At this early stage you have no answers, you cannot see the future and do not know if transition is right for you. It may well be, it may be the solution to your suffering but there are other reasons you may feel like this. The truth is, you just do not know. Including your significant other in this process allows you both to discover what is the best course of action to go forward. It gives her time to understand the pain. If she leaves at this point then she was ALWAYS going to leave.

Waiting and then presenting the solution would be so much harder. I always try and imagine it from the other perspective.
Would you rather your wife come to you and say 'I have been struggling with thinking I am a male all my life, it is now getting so bad that I need some help to understand how to ease this. I love you and need your support as I value you so much'
or 'I am male, I have been all my life. I have done tons of research, talked to a therapist and they say and, I agree, I need to start to live as a man. I want you to stay, I love you. Is that okay with you'....
The first statement is a chance to explore, the second a decision.
Hope that helps?
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Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2020, 06:54:23 am »
I totally understand the difficulty of getting up the courage to tell her.  It took me six months to get up the courage!  But I think you are wise to tell her as soon as you can.

Sarah is right: offering her a chance to explore this with you is preferable to presenting her with a done deal.  You might be right that your wife will want to leave, but there is a chance that she might be willing to stay.  You don't know until you open the subject.  She will be more open to exploring with you if she feels part of the process.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate; 2021-03-10 consultation for ongoing pain




Offline Jaymilynn

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2020, 08:46:12 am »
Good luck,

At this early stage you have no answers, you cannot see the future and do not know if transition is right for you. It may well be, it may be the solution to your suffering but there are other reasons you may feel like this. The truth is, you just do not know. Including your significant other in this process allows you both to discover what is the best course of action to go forward. It gives her time to understand the pain. If she leaves at this point then she was ALWAYS going to leave.

Waiting and then presenting the solution would be so much harder. I always try and imagine it from the other perspective.
Would you rather your wife come to you and say 'I have been struggling with thinking I am a male all my life, it is now getting so bad that I need some help to understand how to ease this. I love you and need your support as I value you so much'
or 'I am male, I have been all my life. I have done tons of research, talked to a therapist and they say and, I agree, I need to start to live as a man. I want you to stay, I love you. Is that okay with you'....
The first statement is a chance to explore, the second a decision.
Hope that helps?


I do agree that the first statement would be much better. I think I will try this approach. On a different good note, I just found out this morning that the new (and only psychologist) I’m my town does have experience in gender identity. That has been a huge worry for me. She starts taking patients around the first of next month  so excited to be able to talk with a professional finally.
Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain

Offline Jaymilynn

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2020, 07:39:43 am »
Well, I have decided that I’m going to give her a letter to explain what’s going on. I wrote a 4 page letter this morning and more than likely I’m going to give it to her this weekend. I’ve got to get this out in the open. I feel like I’m lying and deceiving her. I’ll be sitting next to her when she reads it so I can answer any questions she might have. Wish me luck. Thanks again for the advise and the support.
Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain

Offline MikaelaA

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2020, 09:00:14 am »
Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.  Try to be as positive as you can, she may very well be supportive.  Also understand that after she reads your letter she will more than likely have just as much anxiety as you.  At the very least you have our support.
Finally discovered the real ME: September 5, 2019
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Out to my wife: October 25, 2019
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Legal name change: September 29, 2020
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Offline Jaymilynn

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2020, 09:11:15 am »
Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.  Try to be as positive as you can, she may very well be supportive.  Also understand that after she reads your letter she will more than likely have just as much anxiety as you.  At the very least you have our support.

I am extremely thankful for that support as well. Something my cousin brought up (I came out to her yesterday) is the possibility of if going wrong and her not wanting me there. Trying to plan for the worst now and come up with a place to crash. I don’t really have any female friends that would be able to and I know that my male friends would ask questions and I’m not ready to come out completely socially yet.
Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain

Offline Wendi

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2020, 09:40:04 pm »
Well, I have decided that I’m going to give her a letter to explain what’s going on. I wrote a 4 page letter this morning and more than likely I’m going to give it to her this weekend. I’ve got to get this out in the open. I feel like I’m lying and deceiving her. I’ll be sitting next to her when she reads it so I can answer any questions she might have. Wish me luck. Thanks again for the advise and the support.
How was your wife's response to the letter,?

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Offline Jaymilynn

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2020, 02:31:11 pm »
How was your wife's response to the letter,?

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Well, I made it about 1/4 the way through and she turned into Reagan from the exorcist. After she calmed down I read her the letter. She went back and forth a few days and she still has her days of doubt but overall it’s been extremely positive. Our relationship since I came out has improved 10 fold and it also brought up some feelings she had buried fell the past. Some feelings about her own sexuality. I think we are going to be ok. She’s still worried about how to deal with the physical changes. Mostly socially but some in the bed room. She is open minded and willing to give it a shot for us. Even if she doesn’t stay with me as my wife she still plans to stay with me as basically a roommate and support me. She did say that after my legal name change and if she is able to cope with me after surgery, she wants us to get a divorce and remarry with my new name. Basically rededicating our lives to one another. She is truly an amazing woman.
Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain

Offline RandiL

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2020, 03:43:58 pm »
That's about the best news I can imagine!

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Offline Wendi

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Re: Telling my wife
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2020, 03:47:11 pm »
Yes that is awesome news. Be prepared for some possible ups and downs but you're off to a great start.

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