Author Topic: Taking it slow  (Read 3087 times)

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Offline Heather N

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Taking it slow
« on: January 14, 2020, 04:46:52 pm »
I'm very new here (joined today in fact) but I do believe this is the best place to discuss this so here goes:
I'm mid 50's been in a LTR with a woman. I have always felt like (at a minimum) a crossdresser edging toward trans. I  know they aren't the same but I also think its a giant area of gray. A long time ago I made the decision not to do much about it because of my personal life. It's a decision I am frustratingly comfortable with.

About a year ago i had a bit of a health scare and found my leg was swollen, they checked for a clot and it was all good (whew) but the doctor suggested i wear compression stockings. I started wearing those but they pulled the hair from my legs so I started shaving them. I always wanted to, but this gave me an excuse. My SO was okay with it too. well.. I have skinny legs and they kept slipping so I decided to wear a garter belt and also found some compression stockings that were def more feminine and more sheer and just felt better, so daily I started wearing stockings and a garter belt. My SO was just fine with it. In fact, she suggested I become intimate with her while wearing those. I told her how much that excited me and soon she bought me 5" heels to add to the fun.

I was having trouble with my underwear bunching up  so she suggested panties. She had some hipsters that fit me pretty well and I told her how much better they felt on me than my old male underwear. I now have a drawer full of them that she helped me pick out ;D

We got on the subject of clothing and I told her that I loved crossing my legs with my stockings on. I asked if I could try on her skirt, we both chuckled for a bit as I did, but i told her I really liked it. She said she was okay if I bought some stuff for myself.

Currently, I sleep mostly in nightgowns and panties, I have a dress of my own and a couple pairs of heels.

She has put a line up though (that I want to cross so much) that I am respecting
*No Bra (that is a huge turn off for her)
*nothing above the shoulder (no make up or wig)
*no shaving my stomach, chest or arms

Since we have started this in earnest (prob last 3 months or so) I have been super amorous to her. I want to make sure that she knows that the more we go this direction, the better it can be for her as well

I am curious if this is something that others have experienced?
What might I expect from my SO?
Do you think she might relent on her restrictions or is this a fair compromise?

I know everyone's experience is different but I am afraid if I rush it, she will ask me to put a stop to it and this Genie is out of the bottle now...

Heather

edit:spelling and grammer
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Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 06:44:37 pm »
I am curious if this is something that others have experienced?
What might I expect from my SO?
Do you think she might relent on her restrictions or is this a fair compromise?
I know everyone's experience is different but I am afraid if I rush it, she will ask me to put a stop to it and this Genie is out of the bottle now...

Heather, hello and welcome to SP. You are correct, everyone's journey is different. It's going to be a roll of the dice what your S.O. does.

Another aspect to consider: Crossdressing vs being transgender:

If you are cross dressing - your s.o. might be okay with you wearing feminine clothes and the associated joys/thrills/excitement that goes along with it because you aren't doing anything permanent. If you were to discover you are, in fact, trans, you may experience a wide variety of responses and not only from your s.o.

People are funny when someone comes out as trans. Some will be 100% supportive and others will have nothing to do with you. There is, unfortunately, no way to forecast what acceptances you will encounter. Being TG is an extremely complex medical/social/biological atmosphere that no one source has all the answers, mainly due to the fact everyone experiences being TG differently. While there are many factors that influence how someone will experience transition, if they choose that route, a few common pillars of circumstances seem to prevail in most transgender persons, and acceptance is certainly one of those.

You are wise to proceed cross dressing slowly around your s.o. It's a big change and while they might see this as a fun adventure now, however, you never know when the winds of change will blow their minds in a different direction, prompting an unexpected response, one you may not be okay with.

It's great you are talking about your concerns. Everyone here will always be here to offer support and any guidance we might be able to offer.

All the best,

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
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Online RandyL

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2020, 07:31:52 pm »
Hi Heather, and welcome to Susan's.

My own wife thought it was all in good fun for awhile, and even went out with me when I was wearing a bra.  But then something triggered her fear that this was more than a game, and maybe I'd make a permanent change.  That shut her down for a long time.

You probably should see a counselor with experience in gender issues and see if you can pin down if you're a crossdresser (no permanent bodily changes) or if you want to change your body and go farther.  My other advice would be to go very slow with any further steps.  Good luck!
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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2020, 08:30:27 am »
Thank you for your responses so far!

There has been a few times where my SO pulled back and made a snide comment, almost made me want to quit the path I am on. I.E. not long after I started shaving my legs , her hand touched my knee and pulled back in disgust. She said it felt like a woman's leg... that was hurtful and I actually stopped shaving my legs for several days after that, but I went back to it and she actually seemed to accept it better.. 

It's a delicate line for sure. I want/need her support on this but at the same time if I don't have it, I don't see myself going back. That's when counseling will come in I suppose.
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Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 04:09:39 pm »
Heather, I think you are on a slippery slope. I can relate to the joy of dressing in the clothing that seems to provide you comfort on multiple levels (more than sexual arousal if I read between the lines correctly). And, I understand how much it means to you to have the acceptance, and even participation, of a woman who means so much to you and is your lover. But here is the danger: She does not know the meaning of these clothes to you. At this point you’ve not been fully forthright, perhaps sort of guarding the ground you’ve gained. I suspect that you will become increasingly uncomfortable with her limits and she will become equally anxious about what your desire to dress means. At some point you may decide to lay all the cards on the table, tell her that there is a history to these urges that long precedes her and your medical need for compression stockings, and name it as the “gender issue” that it appears to be.

Not easy. It took me years during the course of my committed long-term marriage to come to terms with my “trans-ness,” and admit to myself and my wife that it was way more than bedroom games. She hasn’t taken it well, but we’re still together BECAUSE of what else we have, and although I don’t have her acceptance per se, she knows that I think of myself as trans. Good luck, Nancy

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2020, 05:54:23 pm »
Thank you
I know I am eventually going to have to go down that path. At this point I think it would be too much too soon..perhaps even for me. You are right about the sexual arousal, its not really part of it. I just feel "right" when I wear them. Putting on panties stocking, garters is not even a second thought today. It part of how I get dressed. The only time I even think about it is when I'm running behind and don't have time to shave my legs. I HATE having stubbly legs. There are other folks in my life this will undoubtedly have an adverse impact on and I have to measure.."how much is enough for me?" I think I may find out sooner than later

I have these idealistic thoughts that if I dress some, that will be enough to get by. The more I do, I am afraid it's a tiny bandaid on huge cut
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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2020, 09:59:12 am »
@HeatherNorton
Dear Heather:
Yes indeed, taking it slow and concentrating on your transition details and your goals is the right way to go.   Things will happen in their own time,
It is nice for me to read that your SO is on board with your explorations and your journey.... you should count yourself quite fortunate in that regard.

I see that you are just a few posts away from the "magic" 15 post Forums Rank of "Newbie" and will not longer be a "Visitor" and then most Forums restrictions will be removed....  you can then view other profiles, edit your profile, send and receive forums Private Messages, and perhaps the most enjoyable feature of being able to upload your own Avatar/Profile pictures and include picture attachments in your comment postings around the various threads.

Please keep your updates coming, not only is the ability to share your thoughts very important but you also can are getting reponses from other members regarding their thoughts and questions.

HUGS, and best wishes,
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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2020, 11:54:01 am »
One unfortunate thing I have began to realize is that as I am starting this journey, I am starting to get some bouts of depression that I never had before. Maybe be cause i can see some stuff I want and I may never be able to get. I'm not sure  :eusa_think:
Is this common as girls start the process?

I have always been everybody's rock, now I am feeling a bit lost and frustrated

And yes, that magic 15 seems to be coming quickly  :icon_dance:
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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2020, 03:05:50 pm »
Heather,

A slow transition that is planned and medically supervised, with therapist support as needed for clarifications of gender and any other issues, at a comfortable pace for you, makes a lot of sense.

You are not on anyone’s timetable except your own.  At times you may wish to go faster, then at other times you may wish to go slower. 

Enjoy the journey.   :)

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2020, 05:35:12 pm »
seems to me that part of what I have to decide is how far do I want to go? just dressing some, full time, maybe more than that? Part of my fear is that I have this big heart to heart discussion with my SO and find out that I really dont need it as bad as I think... the grass is always greener and all that
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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2020, 06:30:50 pm »
seems to me that part of what I have to decide is how far do I want to go? just dressing some, full time, maybe more than that? Part of my fear is that I have this big heart to heart discussion with my SO and find out that I really dont need it as bad as I think... the grass is always greener and all that
I think you should have the big talk. If it turns out you don't have to go very far to be happy then it's just happy hand slaps all around and you can go on to live life as you'd both planned. You'll probably never know how far this goes until you go down the path.

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Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2020, 06:47:26 am »
Heather, Having “The Talk” and you and your wife learning about gender together does not mean that you must follow any particular course. I suspect that for every trans woman that has made the difficult decision to transition, that there are many, many more like me in the category of non-transitioning transgender. It would be great for you to have your wife’s understanding and acceptance, but of course neither you nor she at this point can know where this journey will lead. I hope she can accept you. It will help you accept you! Nancy

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2020, 07:16:41 am »
There is a lot on the line if it goes south. I'm 10 years or so from retirement. I can not start over again. I do think... for me anyway... the best course of action is slow and steady. Maybe planning a Halloween party weekend where I can go more dressed up etc, That's a long way away though.
If I open up to her, my fear is "I did not marry a woman"   You all know the story.
non-transitioning transgender does seem more like the category I may fall under... there are more than I ever realized and I'm learning more and more about myself as I read through these forums. so who knows where I will end up... I sure dont!    :icon_tetter:
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Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2020, 08:22:18 am »
My wife’s responses to my efforts at “The Talk” have been some of the biggest disappointments of my life. I have attempted it a few different times a few different ways, for example once presenting her with a well-thought out letter that I read to her, then gave her, other times asking to talk about what I had learned about myself or something that I had read that applied to me and asking her to read it. Her lack of acceptance and support has been a great hurt, but here is the thing (and everyone has to make their own decision): we have stayed together because of all the other things we share. This is important, but I have not allowed it to be THE defining aspect either of me or our marriage. Some may not be able to do this (or even agree with this philosophy)—but, since I did not come to terms with my femininity until we’d been married for a long time, I believed that she deserved my loyalty and just as I wanted her understanding, she deserved mine. Don’t let anybody else tell you how to handle your own life. Seeking advice is fine, but the decisions are yours! Nancy

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #14 on: January 21, 2020, 05:04:16 pm »
My wife’s responses to my efforts at “The Talk” have been some of the biggest disappointments of my life.

That is what I am concerned with. I have gained a bit of ground and my thought is if I make it pleasing for her as I make it fulfilling for me, it may grow on it's own...   That's the hope anyway
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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2020, 10:39:14 pm »
we did have a bit of the talk yesterday and it didnt go so well.
its 2 steps forward and 1 step back it seems.

 :icon_weirdface:
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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2020, 06:45:42 am »
interesting comment from my S.O. last night. I bought a new women's bathrobe , but this one is a bit different than the one (hers) i have been using. It doesn't have a tie on the inside. I mentioned that to her  and said " its not like I have to worry about my boobs falling out"
her response...  " not yet anyway "

I just smiled and didn't say much. It could have been snark or something is clicking in her after we have spoken, not sure but I didn't push it,
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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2020, 06:51:50 am »
interesting comment from my S.O. last night. I bought a new women's bathrobe , but this one is a bit different than the one (hers) i have been using. I doesnt have a tie on the inside. I mentioned that to her  and said " its not like I have to worry about my boobs falling out"
her response...  " not yet anyway "

I just smiled and didnt say much. It could have been snark or something is clicking in her after we have spoken, not sure but I didnt push it,

Hi.

I hope everything turns out well for both of you...  transitioning can be hard at times, and at other times it seems sooooo nice. 

Hugs,

Chrissy

Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2020, 07:29:41 pm »
interesting comment from my S.O. last night. I bought a new women's bathrobe , but this one is a bit different than the one (hers) i have been using. It doesn't have a tie on the inside. I mentioned that to her  and said " its not like I have to worry about my boobs falling out"
her response...  " not yet anyway "

I just smiled and didn't say much. It could have been snark or something is clicking in her after we have spoken, not sure but I didn't push it,
Heather, Apologize for the delay in my response. Been traveling and haven’t been on the forum. Her ‘not yet anyway’ comment sure comes across as hostile. Hope the two of you have had a chance for a follow-up talk since, as I’m guessing she has some fears and maybe questions. Sure would be better for her to express in words rather than snark. Hang in there, Nancy

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2020, 09:10:26 am »
I have a weekend planned in May. My SO just introduced me to lularoe leggings.. wow those things are comfy!  :icon_love: I purchased several women's tops recently as well. My plan is to basically spend the entire long weekend in women's clothes. I am going to try to pack nothing but, with the exception of maybe swimwear. Nightgowns at night, panties, leggings and tops during the day along with some androgynous slip on running shoes I just purchased. I realize that I am not (currently) doing anything about my face but I am looking at this is a huge step for me... and my SO if it all works the way I hope
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