Author Topic: Taking it slow  (Read 1667 times)

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Offline JodieC

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2020, 04:21:55 am »
Sorry if I am a little late to the discussion. For what it is worth, your situation has some parallels to mine. I've only recently come out to my partner as trans, and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. I pretty much agree with all of the advice above. The one thing I can add that might be helpful is to keep her perspective in mind.

We've been together for over 10 years. I'm getting a little older and our life is pretty established so my family is more important to me than my gender expression, and this influences how I am thinking about my transition. My self-understanding has been evolving ever since I came out to my partner last summer/spring. She had no clue about my gender, and her initial response was supportive. She says she believes me when I say I was in deep denial about my gender, and that in a sense I really did not know. (I was "cross-dressing" in secret periodically and saw it as a bad habit I was trying to give up. You know, like smoking! ;)  We have talked a lot. We are very good at communicating with one another. We both have therapists skilled with gender issues. We do couples therapy with my therapist who is themselves nonbinary. We both also go to support groups for trans people and partners of trans people. So basically, we're doing everything "right."

Even given all of that and the best intentions, it is hard for my partner even though she is awesome and supportive. It is hard for her for several reasons. First, being the partner of a trans person forces someone to question their own identity. For years, my partner could easily identify as a cis heterosexual woman. Now she has to re-open those kinds of questions all over again. Is she really heterosexual if I am the person she chose to make a life with? What does it mean for her identity if we stay together? Given that these are questions that most people resolve in adolescence, it can be painful and frustrating to have these questions forced upon you once again. There might be some resentment there. 

Second, because my own self-understanding is still evolving, she has to constantly re-think all of the above and our relationship every time I learn something new about my identity. So it's not just a one-time event; it's a continuing process over which she has no control but with which she must cope. Her reactions to my identity have changed over time, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, because she is constantly re-thinking her own identity in response to mine. I don't expect that to end until I have a more stable self-understanding about my identity.

Third, she has no control over whom she can tell or who will know about this part of our relationship. I'm still not out publicly so she constantly has to monitor what she says and to whom she says it. It can feel bad keeping secrets from friends and loved ones. (Boy, do trans people understand that!) It can be stressful having to be careful about what one says. And it can be really hard to feel like you have no control over who does get to know. And this is the case even though I am mindful of her need to tell people so she can have support, and she has told a number of people whom I would not have chosen to share with on my own.

Fourth, while I was in denial, I did keep a very important secret from her. I can't imagine that even though she understands, she doesn't somewhere deep down feel sad, hurt, and a little mistrustful because I could not tell her something so fundamental to our relationship with one another. I would not blame her if the question, "What else haven't they told me?" haunts her mind in some way.

Fifth, as my self-understanding changed, my transition plans change. How out I want to be, the kinds of gender expression I want to show the world, and medical interventions I'm considering also force my partner to rethink how we will relate to each other and the people around us. Like my changing identity, my changing wants and needs about my gender expression force my partner to reflect on fundamental aspects of her life and does so in a way over which she feels like she has no control.

I think I had a sixth, but I think I've also written too much! The basic point is that transitioning is not a solitary act when you are already in a relationship. It is something that you do together. And the partner is always reacting to our needs, which is hard and so unlike the rest of our relationship. None of that means we should always defer to our partners' wants or that transitioning is not a legitimate need. It does mean that we should understand how complicated our partners' experience of transitioning will be and, for me at least, that I need to be clear in my own mind about the difference between what kind of transition I want and the kind I need. Transitions can be pretty diverse, and I am trying to find a path that meets both of our needs.

Jody

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2020, 08:26:57 am »
I think about my SO and other family members as much as I do myself. If I decide to transition, I understand I am the only one who is physically changing and that's by my decision but others around me are forced to mentally change. I'm just not sure if I can put them through that.

I am finding comfort dressing pretty much in 100% clothes made and designed for women without them being dresses/skirts etc. I wear leggings, panties and women's tops every day, sleep in nightgowns most nights but still present myself as male. Not really sure if that will change
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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #22 on: April 11, 2020, 04:08:14 pm »
just an update, I have cleaned out a couple drawers in my dresser, 1 underwear (kept like 3 pair of my old stuff) and 1 t-shirt to replace them with my new wardrobe as it accumulates.  I was also doing laundry and for the first time I realized I had nothing 'male' in there anymore. I am actually having a hard time telling some of my clothes apart from my SO. right now its mostly leggings, tops, panties and nightgowns. Not sure what is next. I still present 100% of the time as male not sure if that will change anytime soon. My SO made the comment. "how would you feel if I cut off all my hair real short and starting acting masculine" she does have a point.. Im not sure Id like that. I am attracted to women and femininity but it would still be her so I would love her just the same, just cant imagine her with a buzz cut (she has VERY thick hair half way down her back)
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Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #23 on: May 08, 2020, 06:17:50 am »
When a partner says something like “how would you feel if I wanted to wear male clothes?” I would take it as a request for empathy and understanding. You, of course, are best off giving that to her. Certainly it is confusing to our female partners and a loss. My wife has said to me more than once “I married a man.” She did, and I was not fully understanding or open about my gender conflict because my shame kept it secret from her. However, (and I would never say this to my wife and I am not recommending that you bring it up in the sense of arguing), my wife does wear many traditionally male clothes—from flannel and jean shirts to baseball caps, etc. And, as she’s gotten older, her hair has gotten shorter and shorter, albeit a very feminine cut. I imagine the the more understanding you can give her, the more you might get from her in return. Best, Nancy

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #24 on: May 08, 2020, 08:18:44 am »
A possible issue with cross dressing is the dreaded "pink fog."  It is very easy to spend so much time obsessing about clothes that more important things, like your relationship, get ignored.  The relationship comes first. 

Marion

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #25 on: May 08, 2020, 01:54:28 pm »
Our relationship is pretty good, it has its times of course..
A recent development was she starting making masks due to the Covid-19 issue and I am helping, she told me somewhere along the way , the idea of me in a french maid apron and heels just does it for her. I jumped all over that and she actually purchased an apron which I wear while I cut and iron. I also wear a black dress under it as its a bit cold where i live now.
She also started calling me Angel (as a name not a pet name) when she wants something or refers to me helping her. I told her how much i like that and she seems to be feeding off of it. We have actually been working very closely making masks, much closer than maybe we ever have. She told me last night that she never thought her life would go this way, but she wasn't complaining.. steps... one by one...
I have mentioned that I am so comfortable in women's clothes  etc that if I had the opportunity to wear dresses full time, I would, she said "I can understand that"  For now I wear almost no men's clothes anymore. About the only thing left of my old clothes that I wear are my socks (which i have big feet, so that prob wont change) shoes and jackets etc.  I even carry a women's wallet now that she helped me pick out. Honestly, when I go out of the house that small accessory makes me feel more feminine than almost anything
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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2020, 02:53:45 pm »
Hi Heather,

Doing stuff together will really help.

Marion

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2020, 08:42:35 am »
My SO is either getting used to it or resigned to the fact she has a feminine mate. We are probably closer than we've been in years. She is referring to me as her "partner" now and made an appointment at a nail salon for me now that they are open again. If was my first time, but def not my last. I just did a clear coat and had my nails rounded off but not clipped. They look amazing!  I keep my toenails painted, she wasnt thrilled about that but now she doesnt seem to care and even made a comment when we go on vacation to get a mani-pedi together. I'll let her pick the color  :icon_bumdance-nerd:
I am finding the more I wear clothes intended for women (which is about 90% of the time now) the more I want to push to 100% and be more open and daring about it. I am finally comfortable with what I wear, though its just leggings and tops. I would so much love it if my body fit the clothes better... I know what that means.. trying to temper it a bit
Everyday is a second chance

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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #28 on: May 20, 2020, 10:51:41 am »
There are several women's departments in stores like Kohl's to fit different body types.  It may help to explore different brands to find what fits.  One way of quickly trying out a lot of brands is to try out stuff in a thrift store.  Ignore the ugly colors and see what fits.  Write down the brands that work best.  Then search online.

Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #29 on: May 20, 2020, 12:48:52 pm »
There are several women's departments in stores like Kohl's to fit different body types.  It may help to explore different brands to find what fits.  One way of quickly trying out a lot of brands is to try out stuff in a thrift store.  Ignore the ugly colors and see what fits.  Write down the brands that work best.  Then search online.

I need long shirts for tall women, I usually like ones that say they are at least 29" in length, but so hard to find. Im not particularly big in my tummy so the length isnt taken up there. The other thing is I am roughly 44" in my chest , so I am usually XL or 2 XL but finding that match of bust and length is a challenge. I have never tried anything on in public, perhaps one day... so far Kohl's  doesnt seem to have much in my size. I'm not really a plus size, more big and tall. I think im discovering some of the mens shirts can actually be quite feminine in color, that may be what I need to do... sigh..
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Offline RandyL

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2020, 02:23:41 pm »
My Mom got me some women's shirts (bless her heart) at Eddie Bauer for Christmas because she could find longer torsos there. But I just measured and they're 26".

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Offline Heather N

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2020, 09:59:59 pm »
My Mom got me some women's shirts (bless her heart) at Eddie Bauer for Christmas because she could find longer torsos there. But I just measured and they're 26".

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

I really appreciate you checking  :icon_hug:
the issue seems to be the width when i find one long enough, they are way too wide. I had a similar problem with men's shirts. its kinda funny, even though the color can be very feminine in a mens shirt and certainly worn by women on a regular basis, I want one very specifically made for a woman.. silly I know  :icon_weee:
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #32 on: May 21, 2020, 02:01:15 am »
I really appreciate you checking  :icon_hug:
the issue seems to be the width when i find one long enough, they are way too wide. I had a similar problem with men's shirts. its kinda funny, even though the color can be very feminine in a mens shirt and certainly worn by women on a regular basis, I want one very specifically made for a woman.. silly I know  :icon_weee:

Clothes are just clothes. They have no gender as such. As you have observed, there are "men's" clothes that look feminine, just as there are "women's" clothes that look masculine.

Some labels have even stopped specifying an intended gender on their clothes. I think we will see more of that as time goes on.

Most of what I wear is "womenswear," but there are still a few items of "menswear" that I wear. I usually wear male pants (underpants if you're American) because I don't find knickers very comfortable; they're too small.

Of course, there may be differences in the cut and feel of the garments.

One option is to use a tailor, of course, to make adjustments; usually you would need to buy oversize clothes to do that.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
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Offline Lizabeth

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2020, 09:57:59 am »
OK here goes. I am 75 years old and have only worn panties on occasion but my wife.(76) saw what I was surfing on the computer, got curious and started looking the x dressing stuff up. We haven't had sex for 9 years in April as I have Type 2 Diabetes and Depression. Really, the only thing that gets an erection is wearing soft sweet panties.Even surfing x dressing porn doesn't do it for me. My wife stopped initiating sex because I could not orgasm and went soft again so, we stopped for 9 years. She still masturbated secretly and still does.
Last week she asked me if I wanted to wear more of her clothes and also would I mind if she used a strap on on me. She was a nurse before she retired so knows all the physiological stuff and has read up on the psychology so, she is well informed about the location of the prostate and how to stimulate it. I immediately said of course to everything she said and she gave me a cream camisole and a long dress that she never liked but that would fit me. I was also given an old nightdress of hers which she said I could wear as a minidress and a long nightgown. So far so good. We have a lot of stuff on order with Amazon and a local Erotic Store and are waiting for it to arrive and when it comes in ,we will be able to get a better grip on things. Likes and dislikes etc.
Thank you Heather for articulating your problems and doubts so clearly
and I have a lot of the same questions in my head.

Am I asking too much of her?
how far should I take this without turning her off?
How often should I dress outwardly as female
Should I use make up
What shall I tell my hairdresser (female)
Should I chat with my Doctor (female) about it.
What about me wearing a bra or
Should I just use what God gave me up there.
What if anal intercourse is too painful for me.
Should I buy a penis extender to be able to satisfy her.

This isn't as easy as it looks on the computer and thank Goodness there are places like this to be able to chat to other women who have been thru it.






Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2020, 10:00:01 am »
@Lizabeth 
Dear Lizabeth
    Please know that I do not wish to sidetrack and hijack your post and questions but I need to give you the rules and other information regarding the forums... and to Officially Greet you.

    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting telling us about yourself.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #35 on: May 23, 2020, 10:03:01 am »
@Lizabeth
Dear Lizabeth:

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #36 on: May 23, 2020, 01:37:21 pm »
Hi Lizabeth,

I think is it great that you are finally talking about it with your wife.

There are several ways to go with bras.  Bras without cups are sized in from small to large then XL  or plus sizes.

You can also buy breast forms inexpensively on Amazon.  There are also cross dresser places that can help you as well.  A pocket bra can securely hold breast forms.

Marion

Offline RandyL

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #37 on: May 23, 2020, 10:31:12 pm »
Hi Lizabeth,

I'm glad you're finally able to discuss this with your wife and to try some things out. It sounds like she is fairly much on board with your explorations.

You asked a bunch of questions, but the answers with different couples are all over the place. No two couples will answer them the same way. It sounds like your wife may be open to discussing your questions, and that will be the best way to go if communication lines can remain open. If she becomes uncomfortable or if you have a hard time with the conversations, a good marriage counselor should be able to help you both to navigate the situation. My own wife and I have a great counselor who has made a huge difference for us.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how you are doing. We want to help however we can.
Hugs, Randy

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Offline jaysonderulo

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Re: Taking it slow
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2020, 05:58:29 pm »
2nd for the amazon suggestion.
if you dont mind waiting, aliexpress too

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